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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / May 2008A little help, Please
Hi, I need someone else's opinion/help. I have been married going on 14 years. I have two wonderful boys 6 and 9. I'm so upset that I don't know if this will even make any sense, but here goes. Here is the deal. For as long as I can remember, my wife has had a bad temper. We have always had out ups and downs. I know I'm not perfect, but I really do try to be a good, UNDERSTANDING husband. It seems like my wife really hates me for the past several months. Almost constantly now. The other day she was on the computer and I simply asked her if she knew what the weather forecast for the day was. She just blew up at me, "why am I asking her, that's so rude" is her answer (she was on the news page). I refused to fight about this. It was first thing in the morning and I was in a good mood. She says its stress and the effects of being a stay at home mom. It used to be (going back several years now) that we had the occasional bad day, and yes she did blow up, call me names and belittle me (call me stupid, lazy, a jerk...with a cruel tone) in front of the kids. Now, we have the occasional good day. She is getting a lot more hostile and cutting a lot deeper. For example: yesterday I came home from work early, cleaned the deck and all the furniture on it, mowed the lawn, grilled dinner, and took my oldest son to a sporting event he had. I came home and started him on his homework and my wife came in and started yelling at him for not working hard enough on his homework (he gets almost all A s, so there is not a problem, and getting him really upset (not a good thing before starting homework when you are 9). She then started on me in front of the kids and how someone besides her needs to do some real work and goes into how I only care about myself, I don't do anything to help out, and I just sit around doing nothing all day and she does not want her boys to be like that. The sad thing is that I work hard. Oh, I also went to the store after the boys went to bed and picked up a switch and fixed the bathroom light. So it's not like I sit around doing nothing. I'm rarely even mad at her about this stuff, and I'm definitely the "smoother outer" in this relationship. I'm just sad more and more, like I'm becoming a sad person. I could probably go a year or two without getting angry, and my wife is YELLING at me 4 out of five days. We do sit down and talk about this stuff later (I ALWAYS instigate the discussion), and we/she usually apologizes, and we get on the same page again.....for a day or two. The bottom line here is that I just feel hurt and sad all the time. I feel like she is just not happy with me as a man. She acts like she is frustrated with this huge slacker she married (I'm not a slacker, but no, I'm not the VP of my company, but I do fine, 3 cars, Nice house, stay at home wife (that's what she wanted and I think it's great for the kids), I put family first, and try to understand and get along with my wife rather than just leaving, but it's not enough. She is the type that tries to modify others behavior by making them feel bad or guilty. I could go on and on... When we have had calm times and are able to talk (again, ALWAYS instigated by me), I've told her that I'm not built for that kind of constant friction (emotional bullying really), and I just want peace and understanding for both of us. I grew up in a similar household to the Cleavers (Leave it to Beaver), and every last grandparent, aunt, uncle, sister, mom and dad on her side are divorced. Nobody on her side made it. I would NEVER use this against her or even bring it up to her; I know that would not be fair, but perhaps that is why we differ on what normal is. She says that what we have is "normal" and that's just what marriage is. Is this normal? Do other guy’s wives make them feel tiny and call them names? Constantly mad and yelling almost every day. I'm getting the feeling that she is not really into me anymore and is frustrated/ stuck. I can't imagine being in love with someone and being so hostile to them. I am sick and tired of having my shortcomings constantly thrown in my face. I don't want to leave, because I know that the sweet girl I married is still in there somewhere. I still see her on occasion and lover her very much. I can't even think about being away from my kids. But, currently she is not talking to me and super mad and I don't even know why. She says that I don't care about anything important, and have no stress or worries in my life, must be nice to go thru life with not caring about responsibilities, she says. But I feel like I spend over half my time thinking/obsessing about my marriage and what to do about it and the feelings I'm having in my stomach and my heart. Comments?? If you got to the end of this, thanks. > Hi, > I need someone else's opinion/help. I have been married going on 14 [quoted text clipped - 73 lines] > > If you got to the end of this, thanks. Hi, first of all I'm not a man but I am a wife, mother and employed full time. If I may for a second play devils advocate and give you a tiny glimpses into what your wife may be feeling. Say for instance you were trapped inside a glass cell and everyone could see you and you could see them and each day the walls in that ceil move in just a little closer. Now while you're in the cell no one can touch you, communicate with you, nor can you move outside that ceil. Each day you watch as people you know carry one with life they go to work, they have friends, they laugh, they according to your perception is enjoying a full life yet you can't because of the ceils you are force to live in. How sad would that be to know you are missing out on something as important as life, that you can't experience those feeling of joy that other have so abundantly. In my opinion your wife is more sad then she is angry, her life has been halted (a sacrifice that I'm sure she freely made in the beginning), the things she may have once enjoyed doing for you and the family is now done in a resentful manner. When woman don't feel like what they're doing is valued, important, or makes a difference we have a tendency to feel as if our life doesn't have any purpose. And yes we will and can still love our spouse, our children but we hate who we are or who we have become (our own opinion about ourselves) I once heard a person say “I can't stand to see me hurt" that's true we can't stand the thought of failure. I would suggest that maybe you seeks some professional help to strength your our mind. Because believe me it will take a lot of endurance to work this thing out. Then seek help together. A marriage is too important to walk away from when the potential to work out the issues is a possibility. May God Bless and strengthen you during your Test. Remember: On the other side of a test is a testimony. J.Hills Hi, Jakalope, I'm going to insert some comments into you post below: > along with my wife rather than just leaving, but it's not enough. She > is the type that tries to modify others behavior by making them feel [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > Is this normal? Do other guy’s wives make them feel tiny and call > them names? Constantly mad and yelling almost every day. No, frequent anger and yelling is not what most people call normal. However, a person who grew up in an environment like that might very well view it as normal. I'm getting > the feeling that she is not really into me anymore and is frustrated/ > stuck. I can't imagine being in love with someone and being so > hostile to them. I'm sure you can't imagine that - it obviously isn't your style. But, if your wife grew up in an environment where people yelled and called names, she might not even think of it as particularly hostile - if this is really what she views as normal family behavior, it might not have anything at all to do with being "not really into" you, or feeling stuck. I am sick and tired of having my shortcomings > constantly thrown in my face. I don't want to leave, because I know > that the sweet girl I married is still in there somewhere. I still [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > about my marriage and what to do about it and the feelings I'm having > in my stomach and my heart. My advice would be marriage counseling for you guys - there won't be any magic quick fix, but a good counselor might help you both sort things out. Jak, how wonderful you are to still believe in your wife, and her sweet inner core. If she grew up with divorce and strife as the norm, she maybe has trust issues. She probably saw a lot of women working overtime to keep households intact. And since she became a mother, she has probably struggled with her identity... because her role models were women who had to bust their a$%es to make ends meet. Maybe she grew up with stress as her constant companion. And here you are.. a relaxed, generous man, willing to provide and take care. I have seen this happen: some women go zinging the other way, reluctant to relax, absolutely unwilling to trust. Some women have a deep mistrust of love. Girls/women like this have decided that men(or people in general) cannot be counted on, and they isolate themselves within a wall of anger/toughness/bitterness. My advice is this: DON'T think that you can prove yourself to her with kindness alone. It could take forever. Instead, step up as a man.....show her what men do when they don't give up/leave/divorce. Tell her straight out that she is out of line. Show her that you think she is sexy, beautiful, important... and WRONG!!!! If you are not good at arguing, read a book about logic.... gain the ability to see her clearly and then step right in and shut her up when she tries to go on a spiel about how your marriage sucks. Force her to see that she is projecting her old, bad feelings about marriages she saw fail onto her own marriage. I have been a nagging, bitchy woman to my own husband.... consumed by loneliness and uncertainty. The very worst feeling is seeing that my horrible attitude is successful in alienating him. Thank goodness, I snapped out of it, but really..... don't mollycoddle her. Be kind, but be firm and straightforward. Thanks for the help. It was very useful. We had a pretty good weekend. I don't think I'll be posting here. You have to wade thru too much spam and garbage to find any real posts. Thanks again for taking the time to reply. Good Luck to all!! > Hi, Jakalope, I'm going to insert some comments into you post below: That's been UseNet standard style since before UseNet was connected to the ARPAnet. > > She > > says that what we have is "normal" and that's just what marriage is. Abuse is *not* normal. > > Is this normal? Do other guy’s wives make them feel tiny and call > > them names? Constantly mad and yelling almost every day. > > No, frequent anger and yelling is not what most people call normal. What was described is abuse. It needs to be called that. Constant screaming and anger in a pattern of escalation will turn to violence if not stopped. That's the direction it is headed. Been there, done that, got the divorce to get out from under the abuse. Maybe there's some magical psychological barrier that will prevent it from ever turning violent that I don't know aqbout but what was described was increasing frequency of verbal abuse. > However, a person who grew up in an environment like that might very well > view it as normal. Normal doesn't mean acceptable. If someone grew up in an abusive environment then their goal in life needs to be not passing it on to the next generation. > > I'm getting > > the feeling that she is not really into me anymore and is frustrated/ > > stuck. I can't imagine being in love with someone and being so > > hostile to them. Words that hurt are eroding your love. Nothing wrong with having bad feelings towards a person hurting you. The question is not how to tolerate it but what to do about it to make it not happen any more. That it, to turn off the abuse permanently with her still there or to remove the kids from an abusive environment. > I'm sure you can't imagine that - it obviously isn't your style. But, if > your wife grew up in an environment where people yelled and called names, > she might not even think of it as particularly hostile I wonder. Does anyone ever get a dictaphone, record one of the rants, play it back during a coherent time so the abuser finds out what they are like to others. I considered doing that and decided my abusive ex would kill me if I did it. That's when I figured out it was time to work on separation and divorce. Jakalope could use his imagination to tell if her experiencing her own screaming would help or hurt. > - if this is really > what she views as normal family behavior, it might not have anything at all > to do with being "not really into" you, or feeling stuck. While this is true, it is also true that words that hurt erode feelings of genuine love. > > I am sick and tired of having my shortcomings > > constantly thrown in my face. I don't want to leave, because I know > > that the sweet girl I married is still in there somewhere. I still > > see her on occasion and lover her very much. But how to turn off the abuse. Is she a person raised in it who does not know it's unacceptable and that she must not do it? Or is she an abuser who won't decide to change? Only she can supply the actual answer but Jakalope does need to make some judgement calls and they do need to be based on recognition that escalating verbal abuse has one place to escalate to - violent abuse. > > I can't even think about being away from my kids. My suggestion about a dictaphone fits in here. Record and store. Should you decide a separation is mandatory take the recordings with you to play at the custody hearing. The courts don't actually give a flip about the children but their rules say they are supposed to. Clear cut evidence of abuse like playing tapes of rants separating by weeks would make it clear who needs to be away from the kids for their own safety. And note well - Raising kids in an envirnoment of abuse where the abuse is not aimed at them, that sounds like how she was raised. > > But, currently she is not talking to me and > > super mad and I don't even know why. She says that I don't care about [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > about my marriage and what to do about it and the feelings I'm having > > in my stomach and my heart. Ah, the horrible memories of irrational screaming matches I experienced. Crazy is as crazy does. > My advice would be marriage counseling for you guys - there won't be any > magic quick fix, but a good counselor might help you both sort things out. Professional help is a high priority. And if it fails remember my advice on the dictiphone. They are small and they fit in a pocket nowadays. |
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