Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2008

On Jun 24, 4:37 pm, pennyshiny...@gmail.com wrote:

Oh, either I didn't remember or wasn't about yet.
I don't usually research before posting.
Maybe I ought to.

Vickie

"Elementary, my dear Watsonette"    :-)

On Jun 24, 11:23 am, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net>
wrote:

If it is sad, I am out....for now at least.  D in the D wiped me out,
utterly.

snip

Right.
I feel so elated inside now; bursting with joy.  lol

Vickie

This is goig to be VERY LONG
I found this the other night on the internet.  It is from a Christian
site, and I am not religious, but here were some words of advice for
unhappy wives:


******************************************************************************
"Genuinely thank him for helping you in so many areas of your life
over the past years. If you come up and only voice your difficulties,
he might think you are only going through another emotionally
unbalanced time. By speaking the truth in love, you are able to help
him realize you are not responding to a situation but a general
circumstance. By thanking him, he sees that you have been thinking
about your whole circumstances.

There is no promise that he will not be threatened and act
defensively. If he does, first again remind him that you really do see
how he does well in certain areas of caring for the family. And again
mention that you are not responding to just something that happened
this week but a whole pattern of things over a period of time. After
this, go and mention that you would like for him to share how he
thinks things could be better. We cannot fully answer his every
possible response, but we are anticipating the more negative response.
If he answered nicely and concerned, you would need less guidance in
this matter.

But if he begins to state big inclusive statements, don't respond
quickly or shout back. You might be hurt. But keep reminding
yourselves of the greater goal of intimacy. He in fact should take
your cue and lead this inquiry. One of these sweeping accusations that
he might make goes like, "You always are hounding me about ....." It
is important for you to respond truthfully. If you have failed by
continually bringing this subject up again and again, then you indeed
have failed the scriptural warning by being like a constant dripping.

"A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman
are alike." (Proverbs 27:15)

Openly apologize for this. You must realize how irritating your
responses have been. Ask for forgiveness. Tell him of your earnestness
that you do not want to do this but also that you don't know how to
address this problem and would like his help. It is very possible that
he might go on with some words about how he has spoken to you about
this before. They probably will not reach your feelings and satisfy
you. Refrain from any negative reaction to his response.

He might be exasperated with how you do not listen to him. Allow him
to have his man answers. This is how God has made him. Listen. Listen
carefully. If he is genuine, trust God to give at least part of the
answer to your problem through his words. This means that you will
actually believe he is addressing the problem even if you have heard
it before. Instead of rejecting what he says, try to understand. Ask
him to explain. Don't reject outright what he says.

This might be only as far as you can go at one time. But if you
listen, you are already obtaining what you haven't had: his attention.
He has shared some words from his heart, even though they might be
roughly shared. Your bad response in the past might be partly
responsible for the way he responds.

He might only focus on "your" problem and this might infuriate you.
Don't worry about this. God's clue for you to work through these
circumstances is subjection to your husband. You must do this or you
will end up contesting him. This is not God's design in solving your
marital problems. If he senses a genuine humble and responsive spirit,
he will get more and more responsible for his answers. There might be
extenuating problems such as adultery, alcoholism, drug problems,
etc., that keep him from being fully honest. But if you can present a
humble and learning heart, he will know that he can talk to you
without getting yelled at.

Let me go back one step and help you understand a bit more his
possible response. His response might not be well thought out or
totally irrelevant. Don't get upset about this. Be patient. This will
happen if he has told you something before, and you did not rightly
respond to him. A bad response pattern has developed. That is still on
his mind. So out it comes even if it is not too relevant. After
listening, humbling your heart, responding and praying, you can if
appropriate answer whether he has any other suggestions. Or you could
ask for another time you could discuss this again. If you have
received what he has said, then he will probably be open to this. You
could also mention that this has helped you a bit, but you still need
further help. Be constantly praying for him even if he is a non-
Christian. Ask God to speak to you through him. Focus on how you can
be better even though we know it takes both sides to grow.

A man is able to see the truth better if the wife is humble and
subjective. Think of the wife as a mirror. If she is unresponsive, he
can blame the wife for all the problems. His wife acts as a blurry
mirror. He sees the blurry mirror and blames everything on her.
However, if she is humble and responsive, then the mirror is clear. He
knows he cannot blame her even if he does. The truth comes right back
to him. He can see his imperfections in this way. The man might bluff
from seeing his problems or masquerade it through some bellowing, but
he is able to see it. This is one practical reason the scriptures warn
a wife not to bother her husband with his problems and instead treat
his words as God-sent. It will not be a total solution, but it has
given you a key in which you might be able to snuggle a bit closer to
a man who has become rather incommunicable.

Wives Special Guidelines if She is Uninterested
It is difficult for the wife to appropriately vocalize her concern for
two reasons.

Firstly, it is difficult for the wife to break her more subjective
mode and introduce a solution. She knows there is a problem but often
doesn't know what it is or how to handle it. It just sits there and
gets worse and worse.
Secondly, she was designed to be a responder. More than often she will
use subtle tests to confirm her suspicions that her husband does not
care for her. Actually, they easily become ways to justify her own
unresponsiveness toward him. Being a responder does not mean that she
doesn't mention her concerns. She needs to know how to subtly step
back to allow for his leadership.

I would encourage this wife who finds her waning affection for her
husband to step forward to correct it. She is probably right with her
feelings. Something is wrong. She, however, must not think she needs
to know the solution. In fact, she should be very guarded about her
subjective conclusions. They are often misleading and wrong. But her
gut response is probably right. She needs to introduce the problem or
her husband will just get less and less interested in her. She can
come and say that she has noticed that she has not been too responsive
to him and sorry about how this might affect him. She might point out
reasons for this distance. This would help him start thinking. But try
to stay clear of making any suggestions on how he is the cause of her
non-interest unless he asks. And then, make your suggestions prefaced
with "I'm not sure but... ."

She should be able to ask him where he believes she has not been very
affectionate and caring. This is your key to apologize. I know it
sounds very unfair to focus on yourself but this is the way to break
the wall between you two. You take out your bricks on your side first.
After this, he will be much more willing to ask you where he himself
has done wrong. Don't answer quickly. First assure him how he has been
so good in certain areas. Then kindly mention how this or that has
disappointed you. You do not need to stay on the topic unless he asks
for clarification. He probably can see through to his faults very
quickly but slow in admitting them.

If the wife if uninterested, she might fear the marriage is over. She
doesn't love him. Again, as discussed before, affirm that love is
primarily a commitment rather than a feeling. Her feelings come and
go. Don't discard the marriage. Be careful lest the evil one comes in
and makes you feel like you need to give up. Don't. Divorce is not an
option. Look to the Lord to help you be more affectionate and kind
even if you don't feel like it.


***************************************************************************************
                                   Some of this advice chafes at me,
but some of it is good.  It isn't completely foreign to me, either.
When we have a 'blockage' (as now), it usually ends with me finally
becoming exhausted and just giving up, lowering my expectations, and
seeing how useless it is to be angry.  And then go back to being
nice.  So I read those words, went up to bed (it was very late) and
snuggled up against my husband.  I shut my eyes and just relaxed,
thinking no thoughts about him except 'How nice and warm he is to be
next to'.  He woke up a little and put his arm over me, and I held his
hand.  Sometimes I come to bed late and I just want to have sex, and
it's like strangers.  It makes me feel so cold and mean to use him
like that... to take that from him even when I don't like HIM.  So I
just held his hand.  And he woke up more and things were good.
                  Since then, my negative feelings have been
suspended somewhere else.  I haven't spoken a word of criticism.  I've
been cheerful and said 'OK' to anything he decides.  I invited him to
sit out back last night for a cup of coffee... I was hoping he'd say
something like 'Last night was nice.." or whatever, but it seems that
maybe all he perceives is 'OK, good, the storm has passed'.  He just
talked about little things that had happened that day.  And I'm trying
to be fine with that.  But writing this now, I suddenly have tears in
my eyes... because what storm passed?  Me?  I have all this power to
make things shitty or nice just by how I behave, by what I express.
If I express the frustration and anger and loneliness, I end up more
lonely, frustrated and angry.  But if I put on a game face and go by a
list of 'Do's and Don'ts'..(DO show appreciation for good things,
DON'T keep bringing up problems)... then suddenly the world around me
operates more smoothely and pleasantly.  In a way, it's like having
magic powers.
                    But sometimes I feel like I'm NEVER going to feel
truly engaged and alive.  Like I am sitting in some control room
somewhere with no exit or entry... only a window to see out of.