 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2008Out of a marriage
So I have just come out (6 weeks ago) of a 12 year marriage. The break up is quite amicable, which is good for our two kids sake and we have talked about all the things that have gone wrong, but the love just isn't there anymore. The thing that scares me the most, is the next relationship, not that I'm looking, but I suppose I was hoping to get an idea or comments from others, who may have experienced the fear of the next relationship. I do plan on taking any next steps really slow and hopefully becoming friends before lovers. Thanks in advance for any comments. > So I have just come out (6 weeks ago) of a 12 year marriage. The break > up is quite amicable, which is good for our two kids sake and we have [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Thanks in advance for any comments. Well, I figured if I couldn't make it work after 30 years of marriage, the hell with it. But I expect MOST do NOT feel that way, and are willing to give it another shot. And taking it slowly sounds like a *very* prudent idea! In news:7af3ca67-d0d6-44cb-a13d-1ed30265b499@v26g2000prm.googlegroups.com, mercieca <mercieca1@hotmail.com> mused: > So I have just come out (6 weeks ago) of a 12 year marriage. The > break up is quite amicable, which is good for our two kids sake [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Thanks in advance for any comments. My advice is that while it's natural to be thinking about the next relationship, don't do it for a while. There's a huge void in your life right now, no matter how dead the marriage might've been before the divorce, and no matter how happy you might feel today. Getting involved with another person right now leaves you open to may possibilities, and one of them is that the bond you may forge with the new person. It's like laying a brick onto very new, very adhesive mortar. You may find that it's an irrational bond which you might find very difficult - irrationally difficult - to break. > Innews:7af3ca67-d0d6-44cb-a13d-1ed30265b499@v26g2000prm.googlegroups.com, > mercieca <mercie...@hotmail.com> mused: [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > adhesive mortar. You may find that it's an irrational bond which > you might find very difficult - irrationally difficult - to break. Thanks for the comment guys....anyone else??? >> Innews:7af3ca67-d0d6-44cb-a13d-1ed30265b499@v26g2000prm.googlegroups.com, >> mercieca <mercie...@hotmail.com> mused: [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > >Thanks for the comment guys....anyone else??? Despite your best intentions, you might find that -- out of eagerness or loneliness -- you get involved with someone more quickly than you said you wanted. Many of us who divorced did the same thing and have gone on to warn against this ;-) Recovering from divorce takes a lot longer than anyone first heading down that path appreciates. It's easy, looking back, to see I wasn't proper relationship material for a lot longer than I thought at the time. While some of the lessons were harsh, they were important for me to learn, and ultimately led to my taking a long break from relationships to focus on really getting my life in order. You almost can't go wrong by keeping your focus on yourself and your kids as you take the time to heal yourself and learn to be on your own again. I'm not saying be a hermit, either. I hate artificial time limits because everyone is different, but I do feel pretty comfortable in saying not to make any relationship decisions (like re-marriage) unless you've been in a relationship for at least a year -- preferably in the same city (long-distance relationships have difficulty reaching that "really real" place). Two last pieces of advice I got that I found helpful on my own journey -- don't get involved with anyone who has more problems than you do. And second, try to think about dating as forming new friendships and providing opportunities to get to know yourself better - not as a way of meeting "the one." Barb >>> Innews:7af3ca67-d0d6-44cb-a13d-1ed30265b499@v26g2000prm.googlegroups.com, >>> mercieca <mercie...@hotmail.com> mused: [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > said you wanted. Many of us who divorced did the same thing and have > gone on to warn against this ;-) The problem with rebound relationships. Like filling a void. It has to be done from within, first. :-) > Recovering from divorce takes a lot longer than anyone first heading > down that path appreciates. It's easy, looking back, to see I wasn't > proper relationship material for a lot longer than I thought at the > time. How so? (if you care to share) (I had thought most of the problems had to do with him and his own issues, and not you. You mean like being somewhat overcontrolling, or something like that)? > While some of the lessons were harsh, they were important for > me to learn, and ultimately led to my taking a long break from > relationships to focus on really getting my life in order. "harsh lessons"?? Can you give an example? (again, only if you care to share) > You almost can't go wrong by keeping your focus on yourself and your > kids as you take the time to heal yourself and learn to be on your own [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > Two last pieces of advice I got that I found helpful on my own journey > -- don't get involved with anyone who has more problems than you do. I expect that's hard to do, unless you really know the person. Although many may be pretty obvious right at the start. > And second, try to think about dating as forming new friendships and > providing opportunities to get to know yourself better - not as a way > of meeting "the one." > > Barb Sounds like good, sage advice (as usual). :-) Barb D. wrote: > On Mon, 7 Jul 2008 17:24:19 -0700 (PDT), mercieca > <mercieca1@hotmail.com> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > said you wanted. Many of us who divorced did the same thing and have > gone on to warn against this ;-) The problem with rebound relationships. Like filling a void. It has to be done from within, first. :-) > Recovering from divorce takes a lot longer than anyone first heading > down that path appreciates. It's easy, looking back, to see I wasn't > proper relationship material for a lot longer than I thought at the time. How so? (if you care to share) (I had thought most of the problems had to do with him and his own issues, and not you. You mean like being somewhat overcontrolling, or something like that)? > While some of the lessons were harsh, they were important for > me to learn, and ultimately led to my taking a long break from > relationships to focus on really getting my life in order. "harsh lessons"?? Can you give an example? (again, only if you care to share) > You almost can't go wrong by keeping your focus on yourself and your > kids as you take the time to heal yourself and learn to be on your own [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > Two last pieces of advice I got that I found helpful on my own journey > -- don't get involved with anyone who has more problems than you do. I expect that's hard to do, unless you really know the person. Although many may be pretty obvious right at the start. > And second, try to think about dating as forming new friendships and > providing opportunities to get to know yourself better - not as a way > of meeting "the one." > > Barb Sounds like good, sage advice (as usual). :-) >>>> The thing that scares me the most, is the next relationship, Hi, what I did was: just go down to the pub for a few nights... it had been so long since I'd just been out to a bar/pub alone it was a good start. then I got on Match... and worked it like a salesman doing cold calls from a new rolodex. after a couple of weeks I had dates 3-4 nights a week... some first dates (mon/tues) some proven producers (thurs/fri) and saturday is reserved for #1. this gave me a chance to play, have fun, get laid, meet people and see what was out there. when I finally found "the one" I knew it was different and she quickly took top position. and with this one... since it was clear that it wasn't just a primarily sexual relationship (i.e. we both weren't just trying to get laid) it WAS SCARY that first night "alone". we were married this past march and all is well. and the Sex is GREAT. :-}  Signature>>>==>> Hackamore <<==<<< http://www.hackamore.com/ http://hackamoretravel.blogspot.com/ |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2009 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.