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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / June 2008Venting time - it is my week for depression.
As objectively as I can be, marriage can be a mystery. There are things about my wife that I think don't meet my needs; I have sensed in the company of other women that they would be far more suitable in those regards. I could say that I waited too long, until the field was limited. But despite all that, there is a solid bond between us. I find the relationship very satisfying and very dissatisfying at the same time. As I said, a mystery. Doug L. > As objectively as I can be, marriage can be a mystery. There > are things about my wife that I think don't meet my needs; I > have sensed in the company of other women that they would be far > more suitable in those regards. I could say that I waited too > long, until the field was limited. I would've felt better about this had you acknowledged that you understand that it's a mirage (i.e., not real). While there may very well be someone or other out there that would be a better fit for you, the chances that they can be found almost anywhere (which is what I infer by the phrase 'in the company of other women', as though it happens with almost any other women) are very, very slim. You were attracted to your DW because, at one time, you thought the same thing about her, and as you got to know her better, you felt that way increasingly more. > But despite all that, there is a solid bond between us. I find > the relationship very satisfying and very dissatisfying at the > same time. > > As I said, a mystery. In this context, 'mysterious' is a relative term. and so it's not all that mysterious if you realize that all human interactions are filled with mysteries that we may never understand. You strike me as an incredibly intelligent, articulate person who is more than capable of figuring out how to have discussions with his DW so that you can explore those things that are dissatisfying in your marriage. The mystery for me is why you don't do more of that with her. >> As objectively as I can be, marriage can be a mystery. There >> are things about my wife that I think don't meet my needs; I [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > marriage. The mystery for me is why you don't do more of that with > her. I can explore all I like. To her, it is irrelevant. I think that I empathised with Xorra on this - it is like talking a different language. The language, the concepts that I use, are like Greek to her. We were both loners - I because of depression, probably, and she because she was an only child. I want a momma; she wants a substitute father, she told me. Both wanting to be followers makes both dissatisfied. Her father was a passive type, but intelligent; her mother was the driving force. My father was dominating, but my mother wasn't the opposite of hers. Neither of us was exposed to much affection or display of affection in the home. We are basically from very similar backgrounds, socially, financially, in education and religion. I do wish that we had done more interacting in the early days, but she couldn't see the need. At about our second Christmas, I suggested that we do a bit of marriage strengthening, only vaguely conceived. She thought it unnecessary. Like many couples we became team workers, bringing up the children as a team more than a couple. Before that, we were often a team in the youth club where we met. That teamwork IMO, is the strength of our relationship. But we still tend to keep away from intimacy. My depression seems to add the barrier of anhedonia - the inability to enjoy things. I am not looking for a better fit. I am more monogamous by constitution than many. I keep coming back to the Hippie idea of one partner for each of several qualities. It can't work, because really, that isn't what it is all about. A person as a whole is more important than the sum of the parts. I know about "distant fields are always greener." Somebody else will always have the missing piece of the jigsaw, but only the missing piece. As you say, the ideal partner doesn't exist, and near enough can be made to work with a bit of application. In the days of arranged marriages, the couple usually made it work, and some of those marriages were extremely happy (if the arranging was done with their interests in mind, not the parents' empire-building.) I think that I tend to verbalise what others simply accept. Doug L. >>> As objectively as I can be, marriage can be a mystery. There >>> are things about my wife that I think don't meet my needs; I [quoted text clipped - 68 lines] > > I think that I tend to verbalise what others simply accept. Thanks for the insight. I feel badly for you that your wife seems to refuse to engage in a dialog with you about all of this. It may be that she believes that it's irrelevant, or, as I suspect, the claim of irrelevance is a red-herring. I suggest to you that she suspects that the dialog will take her to places which are well outside of her comfort zone, and that this intense discomfort is what is causing her kill the dialog before it ever begins. Somehow, some way, you've got to figure out a way to attract her to that dialog, or at least reduce her discomfort for having it. It will take someone a whole lot smarter than me in the matters of the mind to offer any advice of any value to you o how to do that, but it seems to me that you're much better equipped than most, including me, to make the attempt. Good Luck to you. >>>> As objectively as I can be, marriage can be a mystery. There >>>> are things about my wife that I think don't meet my needs; I [quoted text clipped - 85 lines] > > Good Luck to you. It isn't so much that, as am I wanting something unrealistic? I can't think too clearly at the moment, but what I am trying to say is that a really close marriage isn't our style. We are both over 60. I have been a matrimonial lawyer, and we have "no-fault" divorce, based on one year's separation. When relationships vary from couples that are never seen apart to "open marriages", it is often difficult to decide when an open-style marriage has broken down. I myself have a tendency to withdraw. The depression complicates it in two ways: the depression itself means I can't enjoy the relationship, and my medication affects my sexual functioning, but not the longing for sex. My wife has the usual lack of interest as her hormone levels go down. (That is one thing that I read about HRT: when it is prescribed for other reasons, interest in sex goes up, and the husband may be unable to meet the increased demand.) But HRT has its dangers, and we have never considered it. She now has health issues as well. Her upbringing that sex is to be avoided outside marriage seems to have become an emotional barrier again within marriage, or it may be simply an excuse. But it is more the closeness that I miss, and that may be largely on my side. In the long run, I think that its a question of being thankful for what I have. I try to look on the depression as a disability rather than an illness. The disabled demonstrate that they aren't write-offs. They find ways around their disability. Doug L. > As objectively as I can be, marriage can be a mystery. There are things > about my wife that I think don't meet my needs; I have sensed in the [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > As I said, a mystery. C'est la vie, n'est pas? That's the way it is with life. Even the best of friends aren't a perfect fit in every aspect. But that keeps the challenge going. :-) Kitten > As objectively as I can be, marriage can be a mystery. There are > things about my wife that I think don't meet my needs; I have sensed > in the company of other women that they would be far more suitable in > those regards. I could say that I waited too long, until the field > was limited. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Doug L. I think the problem may be that we think monogamy is the way to go. I'm not saying that anyone should consider sleeping around, just that perhaps we need as many friends/mentors/people we can help/whatever as we can get in life. Sometimes those who need the most get the least. I think there may be a pattern to that. i.e. the more love we are able to give the more love we have in our lives. - Michaela |
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