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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2008Fighting with spouse
I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only 20 and was married at age 18....we have a young baby together at 16 months of age who is both my husbands and my life. When we were just married we had our problems and we worked them out as any normal couple would,in the past year we have began to argue more and more frequently. I am not a drinker nor do I use drugs on any occasion so this is not a strain on our marriage... neither on his part because he has no time for it either. We have had incidences when He has yelled and been somewhat abusive but I have learbed to live with it... we live very far away from home so i have no members of my family to talk too. My brother in law was living with us for several months and I think that could have been the reason why there was such a strain on our marriage to begin with...my BIL ripped up our floor underneath our fridge and My husband did not do anything about it...he was smoking (not cigs) outside our apartment and no matter how many times i had told him he would not stop it... As I would tell my husband he would just get mad at me if i said anything. I love my brother in law but it was too much for me too handle...I just need somebody to talk too... > I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only 20 and > was married at age 18....we have a young baby together at 16 months of age [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > love my brother in law but it was too much for me too handle...I just need > somebody to talk too... I'll take your word that the abuse, whatever that may be, is fine to live with. Is BIL gone now? If so, is it that you are both still having hard feelings and disagreeing over his disrespectful behavior? If he is not gone yet,... time to go, bud! Vickie >> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only 20 and >> was married at age 18....we have a young baby together at 16 months of age [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > >Vickie Yes he is gone now, and it has been much better since he has left...although when he did leave the night before he had ripped up our kitchen floor, and carpet in his room all ripped up...how he did it i have no idea...anyways we cannot get a hold of him and he has not called or anything and now me and my husband are arguing over that and it just doesnt seem to end >>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only 20 and >>> was married at age 18....we have a young baby together at 16 months of age [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >cannot get a hold of him and he has not called or anything and now me and my >husband are arguing over that and it just doesnt seem to end But why would you want to get in touch with him? Move on. Whatever happened, happened. Let it go. Work on the real problems with your husband, not what his brother did. And consider counseling seriously. >>>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only 20 and >>>> was married at age 18....we have a young baby together at 16 months of age [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >Work on the real problems with your husband, not what his brother did. >And consider counseling seriously. Actually not really...since he left it hasnt been a problem....When my brother in law was here thats when the problems began but now that he is gone everything is much better...My husband actually told me that I was always depressed looking so he is moving back to my home place so I wont be so cranky all the time....I think that was the problem was with me and not with him >>>>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only 20 and >>>>> was married at age 18....we have a young baby together at 16 months of age [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] >cranky all the time....I think that was the problem was with me and not with >him "my husband are arguing over that and it just doesnt seem to end" "He has yelled and been somewhat abusive but I have learbed to live with it..." Good luck. I suspect that your problems may be helped by location, but that's only part of a behavioral pattern that is really unlikely to be all about you. >>>>>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only 20 and >>>>>> was married at age 18....we have a young baby together at 16 months of age [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >but that's only part of a behavioral pattern that is really unlikely >to be all about you. Well thanks for all the help...I really have learned to live with what this marriage seems to come with...but we can have bad days and good days like everybody else I guess >>>>>>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young >>>>>>> only [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > marriage seems to come with...but we can have bad days and good days like > everybody else I guess You shouldn't be tolerating abuse. That part is wrong. > You shouldn't be tolerating abuse. That part is wrong. Genius. Absolute genius. > Bill in Co <surly_curmudgeon@earthlink.net> mused: > You shouldn't be tolerating abuse. That part is wrong. "AllYou!" <idaman@conversent.net> wrote in message > Genius. Absolute genius. You would think that would be a given, but there are so many people staying in abusive relationships that one should wonder why it didn't occur to them to leave.  SignatureSue (mom to three girls) >> Bill in Co <surly_curmudgeon@earthlink.net> mused: >> You shouldn't be tolerating abuse. That part is wrong. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > -- > Sue (mom to three girls) I am sure it has at least occurred to them (to leave). But I think they feel they can't, primarily due to an inordinate amount of FEAR: Fear of some potential retaliation from abusive spouse; fear of being able to afford it, financially; and in general, fear of that huge change, and of being able to make it on their own (and even more especially if they have children to take care of). Are their confidence and self image (and perhaps even the resources available to them) all that strong and well developed? For some (and probably most), I expect not. The whole situation truly is dismally sad. It's really depressing thinking about it. >>> Bill in Co <surly_curmudgeon@earthlink.net> mused: >>> You shouldn't be tolerating abuse. That part is wrong. [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >The whole situation truly is dismally sad. >It's really depressing thinking about it. This post I believe in the most...I have had fear that if I DID leave it would mean disaster for me. >>>>>>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very >>>>>>> young only 20 and was married at age 18....we have a young baby [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > what this marriage seems to come with...but we can have bad days and > good days like everybody else I guess Marriage does not have to "come with" abuse. Believe it or not, some people manage to be married with mutual respect, caring, teamwork. If you believe that abusive behavior is part of marriage, then abusive behavior is what you will get. If you beleive that you deserve respect, caring, constructive rather than destructive arguments... (you thought I was going to say that is what you will get. I wish I could say that...) at least you know what to work toward either within your current marriage or after you let someone who is incapable of such positive interaction, whichever way it turns out. I am not re-reading that before I post. I fear it makes no sense, but I have no time to change it. Best of luck. >>>>>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only >>>>>> 20 [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > but that's only part of a behavioral pattern that is really unlikely > to be all about you. Exactly. Or more likely not even mostly about her. I'd bet it's mostly about HIM. > I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young > only 20 and was married at age 18....we have a young baby [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > at me if i said anything. I love my brother in law but it was > too much for me too handle...I just need somebody to talk too... I think that you've got to bring some clarity to your life. First of all, you can't possibly live far from home. At your age, and being married, your home is where YOU live, not where your parents live. For as long as you choose, your family and your home is with your DH. Secondly, you and your DH need to have a discussion about the whole concept of marital partnership. You each have to acknowledge that the other is the most important person in your life. And this can't be a discussion that sounds more like a fight. It has to be a mature, grown-up discussion about priorities. Thirdly, there is no 'learning to live' with being abused. I think that's quite a bit, for starters. >> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young >> only 20 and was married at age 18....we have a young baby [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > >I think that's quite a bit, for starters. Yes I know my family is my husband and child, but where I am too, I am not happy. I dont want to go back to Newfoundland because I want to be around my family its because I want to be IN Newfoundland. Its my home and always will be. >>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very >>> young only 20 and was married at age 18....we have a young baby [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > because I want to be around my family its because I want to be > IN Newfoundland. Its my home and always will be. Well, IMHO, I don't believe that to be a healthy attitude. >>>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very >>>> young only 20 and was married at age 18....we have a young baby [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > > Well, IMHO, I don't believe that to be a healthy attitude. You don't have a "H". (Just write it as IMO, and leave it at that). >>>>> I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very >>>>> young only 20 and was married at age 18....we have a young [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > You don't have a "H". (Just write it as IMO, and leave it at > that). There you go again. Projection. It's always about projection for you. When younger people marry, especially because there is a pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a parent. I think it would do your marriage and your parenting skills a great honor by taking marital classes and/or seeing a counselor on how to communicate to each other and how to be married. Being married is hard enough, being a parent right away and trying to learn how to be married can be a cause for a unhappy life. SignatureSue (mom to three girls) >I will be married for 2 years now in september...I am very young only 20 >and [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > love my brother in law but it was too much for me too handle...I just need > somebody to talk too... >When younger people marry, especially because there is a pregnancy, they >don't know how to be married, let alone be a parent. I think it would do [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >> love my brother in law but it was too much for me too handle...I just need >> somebody to talk too... I know very well how to be a parent and I know that I make a good mother. Do I make a good wife is a different story. The marital classes!! That would be another argument. He does not want to hear anything about that. Although he has been listening to me a bit more since my BIL left, I know he would not have anything to do with any class that would help us out because he thinks our marriage is doing fine. I know this sounds bad but Im sure it would only turn out to be another fight. I want it to work sooooo badly but Im wondering how much more I can take with the arguments all the time. "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message > I know very well how to be a parent and I know that I make a good mother. I am not suggesting that you are not a good mother. I have been a mother for 16 years and still feel the need to take classes now and again to help with different aspects of being a mom. Children go through so many stages and phases and it helps to understand the developmental process children go through. Classes can also cultivate friendships for yourself so you have other things that you are interested in. You are still very young and getting married at such a young age is hard enough, but when you add the fact that you had a baby so early in the marriage makes life even more complicated. > another argument. He does not want to hear anything about that. >Although > he has been listening to me a bit more since my BIL left, I know >he would [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > but Im wondering how much more I can take with the >arguments all the > time. That's too bad because I feel that any marriage could use help every now and then. To have a partner care about the marriage and to keep it on even track is the greatest blessing one could give to each other. My husband and I have been married 18 years and there was a time when we sought marriage counseling and it helped both of us so much. Because he valued the marriage meant that he was willing to try anything to make sure that we stayed together. Learning how to argue is also a valuable skill to learn in a marriage. Not getting mad at the little things also helps, not trying to change one another is also important. I truly wish you good luck. Being married is not easy. SignatureSue (mom to three girls) >"tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >> I know very well how to be a parent and I know that I make a good mother. [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] >change one another is also important. I truly wish you good luck. Being >married is not easy. It's not easy I know and I have been married for only 2 years, congrats on 18 lol. I believe that every couple needs to have an argument every now and then (not abusive but progressive) because if you do not let out that steam every now and then the pot is just going to boil over. Then look out. We have the tendency to bicker than 5 minutes later talk like nothing happened. I just worry about the big fights that lead me to wanting to leave him. I know that he does love and care about me but he just does not know how to show it...so I always have to ask!!! I dont like that :( >> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > I know very well how to be a parent and I know that I make a > good mother. Everyone believes that, and sometimes it's true, and sometimes it's not. So maybe you are, and maybe there are a few things you could learn. That's not to say that you've got to spend the rest of your life doing research on the subject. However, for most of us, you weren't much more than a child yourself when you had your fisrt child, and so I think it was wise to advise you to look into some parenting skills tips. > Do I make a good wife is a different story. The > marital classes!! That would be another argument. He does not [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > work sooooo badly but Im wondering how much more I can take with > the arguments all the time. You don't need him to go to marital classes to take them yourself. >>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > >You don't need him to go to marital classes to take them yourself. I dont expect you to look at me as no more than a child...but I am very capable of taking care of my child so dont worry about me having to get parenting classes. This is about me and my husband and yes maybe having a child early would have a big impact on the arguments but that still dont meen that i need to take parenting classes....do you think im too stupid to take care of my own child??? >>>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > but that still dont meen that i need to take parenting classes....do > you think im too stupid to take care of my own child??? I'm beginning to wonder about your own self doubts. You're defending against something he didn't say. Look up there,...he said "marital classes" not "parenting classes". IOW,..."methinks the lady doth protest too much". ...and besides, there are plenty of us out here who have *already* raised our kids that still wonder if we did it right. There is no "test" other than seeing how they do as adults. Mine are 30, 25 and 22 and there is *still* plenty of time for one (or more,...shudder) of them to end up incarcerated. I personally think anyone who proclaims themselves a fully informed "expert parent" is lying to themselves and the rest of the world. There is *always* something to learn. >>>>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>>>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >informed "expert parent" is lying to themselves and the rest of the world. >There is *always* something to learn. Yes I know that Im not perfect...and every parent worries about their kids and they worry to the grave...thats not what I said and thats not what I meant. I came in to get help with my marriage not with my parenting skills. Im pretty sure like I said that I am a good mother...not a "perfect" one but if I didnt protest Id again have to listen to you telling me I am a mother who needs parenting skills, which I don't need...I am quite capable thank you. ...no back to my original post please and thank you!!!! > I came in to get help with my marriage not with my > parenting skills. Look, I understand. I really do. For clarity you should know that AY has been in my killfile for quite some time. He gets a little "holier than thou" for my tastes, but I just happened to notice that you got a bit defensive about your parenting when he suggested "marital counselling". I'm not quite sure how separating the two helps any great deal, though. They go hand in hand. Each affects the other. I'll jump back out of this thread and lurk again. >> I came in to get help with my marriage not with my >> parenting skills. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > >I'll jump back out of this thread and lurk again. I know he said marital counseling but a top of that he metioned that I needed to seek parenting skills and that made me pretty angry...just because of the fact that Im not looking for help with being a parent but I want to talk about my marriage....I dont think he understood my post correctly or he just likes to put people down Im not sure...but I noticed in a lot of other peoples post he also gets a bit snobby and he won't be talking to me like that.....Thank you for your honesty though :) >>>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > take parenting classes....do you think im too stupid to take > care of my own child??? One of the problems that I've seen in your posts is that instead of taking what people say at face value, you ignore what they say, and respond as though they said something completely different. This is a good case. I explained to you why I thought the advice to take a parenting class might be a good idea, and nowhere in there was there any suggestion that you are stupid. Instead, I said that it was good advice because to many of us, you are very young to have had a child, and that it's not unusual for very young mothers to be a little more prone to making mistakes than those who are a little bit older, and a little bit more prepared. If you react to very good, and very non-threatening advice or comments like this in RL, then I would not be surprised that you would have problems in your marriage. >>>>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>>>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >comments like this in RL, then I would not be surprised that you >would have problems in your marriage. Thank you....that helped me with my problems soooo much....maybe it is my fault but if you read the post called sorry...you may understand where I am coming from >>>>>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>>>>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > it is my fault but if you read the post called sorry...you may > understand where I am coming from Yes, it does help to see from where you are coming, and I hope that you genuinely understand that there was nothing in my post that was intended to put you down in any way whatsoever. In fact, the whole issue of parenting advice was only an aside by Sue in the first place. And because understanding from where people are coming helps to accept what they've said, it might help you to understand from where many people, especially those of us who have already raised their kids, and who are companionate, are coming from as well. Speaking only for me, I full well know how challenging it is to raise a child. I full well know how incredibly difficult it is on the parent, on the marriage, and, most especially, on the child. It is because, in addition to the tremendous joy and happiness which I'm sure your child will provide you for the rest of your life, raising them will also present very many painful obstacles with which I hope that you're as prepared as possible to deal, and maybe even prepared to avoid. It must be tiresome to keep having people point to your youth as a mother. But understand that even though it does, it all stems from the good in people, and not meanness, and not indifference, and most certainly not because anyone thinks that you are stupid. >>>>>>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>>>>>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] >the good in people, and not meanness, and not indifference, and most >certainly not because anyone thinks that you are stupid. Yes I am sorry for the rudeness,as long as you understand where I am coming from with this. I try to avoid the eyes every where I go but its hard. I want to go out with friends and I get from people "dont you have a kid" Im like well yah his dad is watching him " well shouldnt you be home with him" and maybe thats why I hate to go out anywhere and enjoy myself...That hurts pretty deep and thats why I jump to conclusions when I see anybody make remarks about me being a young mother....im sorry for insulting you :( >>>>>>>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>>>>>>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] >> you genuinely understand that there was nothing in my post that was >> intended to put you down in any way whatsoever. This is (almost) funny, coming from you. Actually, it's a bit pathetic. You still have my pity, but only marginally so - don't push it. To Tara: he's toying with you. (Watch out for his little fishies game, which he gets off on, due to his own unresolved issues; and yes, it is pitiful). >>>>>> When younger people marry, especially because there is a >>>>>> pregnancy, they don't know how to be married, let alone be a [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > am > coming from Not likely, Tara. (Don't let his toying around with you, get to you - it's a game for him). ......yet more poison. :-) < tabula rasa dribble snipped> > -- > NOTICE: [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > useless opinion or a wild speculation, and must never be taken > seriously or as having any positive value to anyone for any reasons. No sh.t. > I never assume that there's any more to a story than what I have > read, no matter what else the author or anyone else may have posted > anywhere. Be advised that my remarks are that of an ignorant > layperson, and no one should ever base their decisions upon them > under any circumstances. We know. SignatureNOTICE: I treat everything which anyone posts in Usenet as nothing more than a work of fiction with no basis in fact or reality whatsoever. Every comment in every one of my posts is nothing more than a useless opinion or a wild speculation, and must never be taken seriously or as having any positive value to anyone for any reasons. I never assume that there’s any more to a story than what I have read, no matter what else the author or anyone else may have posted anywhere. Be advised that my remarks are that of an ignorant layperson, and no one should ever base their decisions upon them under any circumstances. > -- > NOTICE: [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > useless opinion or a wild speculation, and must never be taken > seriously or as having any positive value to anyone for any reasons. No sh.t. > I never assume that there's any more to a story than what I have > read, no matter what else the author or anyone else may have posted > anywhere. Be advised that my remarks are that of an Ignorant > layperson, and no one should ever base their decisions upon them > under any circumstances. We know. SignatureNOTICE: I treat everything which anyone posts in Usenet as nothing more than a work of fiction with no basis in fact or reality whatsoever. Every comment in every one of my posts is nothing more than a useless opinion or a wild speculation, and must never be taken seriously or as having any positive value to anyone for any reasons. I never assume that there’s any more to a story than what I have read, no matter what else the author or anyone else may have posted anywhere. Be advised that my remarks are that of an ignorant layperson, and no one should ever base their decisions upon them under any circumstances. > I dont expect you to look at me as no more than a child...but I am very > capable of taking care of my child so dont worry about me having to get > parenting classes. This is about me and my husband and yes maybe having a > child early would have a big impact on the arguments but that still dont meen > that i need to take parenting classes....do you think im too stupid to take > care of my own child??? Pick any subject you care to imagine. Unless you have a PhD and a tecahing certificate in that topic then you have stuff to learn from the folks that do have a PhD and teaching certificate. For that matter if you do have both you still have stuff to learn from others who also have both. Take work. I've been in my field since 1978 or 1981 depending on exactly where you draw the boundaries of the field. I'm published in the field. I have neither a PhD in the field nor a teaching certificate. I still have a lot to learn about my field of work. Now consider that fact, then step back and ask yourself why you're getting defensive here. Do you really think there's even one parent in the world who would not benefit from taking parenting courses? Seriously? There isn't. Do you think there's one married couple in the world who wouldn't benefit from taking marriage courses? Seriously? There isn't. Relax - It's good advice. You're young (that means under 40 so you haven't even entered your prime yet, except that the 40-60 prime years are young so that doesn't work either), newlywed (no 25th anniversary party yet), have a child who's new (still hasn't moved out on her own yet). All these issues will settle themselves out in time with work, but don't imagine that you aren't going to benefit from courses or commentary by folks who have children older than you are. At this point I think you and your husband need to take a course in how to fight fair and what it means to use words that hurt. When you're fighting with your spouse, is the purpose of the fight to win? Oh yeah? At what cost? To the point you say things to shut your spouse down to win the fight? Oh yeah? To what cost? Is the fight worth hurting your spouse? That's hurting yourself when it comes down to it. Insults, words that hurt, turning abusive even once - It all says time to take a course in fair fighting. > > I dont expect you to look at me as no more than a child...but I am very > > capable of taking care of my child so dont worry about me having to get [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > certificate. For that matter if you do have both you still have > stuff to learn from others who also have both. I'd say something much more general than that. On virtually any subject (regardless of the level of your expertise) there is always more to learn. >>> I dont expect you to look at me as no more than a child...but I am >>> very capable of taking care of my child so dont worry about me [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > subject (regardless of the level of your expertise) there is always > more to learn. The more I learn, the less I realize I know. > > I dont expect you to look at me as no more than a child...but I am very > > capable of taking care of my child so dont worry about me having to get [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > about my field of work. Now consider that fact, then step > back and ask yourself why you're getting defensive here. I think the reason she is getting defensive here is because some of the earlier posts seemed to insinuate, if you will, that just because of her youth, in order for her to be a good parent, she needed to go to a class. In her defense, one does not have to go to class in order to be a successful parent. That wasn't even the subject of why she posted in the first place. It was kind of a "side item". I think the subject is that her and her husband aren't getting along. > Do you really think there's even one parent in the world who > would not benefit from taking parenting courses? Seriously? > There isn't. Do you think there's one married couple in > the world who wouldn't benefit from taking marriage courses? > Seriously? There isn't. Relax - It's good advice. Of course the advice is good, but it sounds like Mr. Husband isn't open to that kind of thing, thus the advice is somewhat worthless. Sounds good in a post. > You're young (that means under 40 so you haven't even > entered your prime yet, except that the 40-60 prime years [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > down to it. Insults, words that hurt, turning abusive even > once - It all says time to take a course in fairfighting. There again, great advice on paper, but for a husband totally against counselling and classes, worthless. It sounds like her husband needs the classes but refuses or will refuse to go. In news:8c1de1d1-5d18-4f67-b934-b10ffbd53a3d@a1g2000hsb.googlegroups.com, tbd <tbd888@gmail.com> mused: > X-No-Archive:yes > [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > think the > subject is that her and her husband aren't getting along. I fully agree with all of that. However, I still think that whereas she did make mention of being a very young parent as it pertains to some of the pressure on her, and her marriage, that Sue's advice that she take a parenting class of some sort was very good. And I also think that even if the sole basis of that advice was that she is so very young, while youth does not mean that she will be less than a superb parent, the chances are not very much in her favor in that regard. > X-No-Archive:yes > [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > of her youth, in order for her to be a good parent, she needed to go > to a class. Yup. Some? You mean from AY (what a surprise). (That's one, not some). > In her defense, one does not have to go to class in order > to be a successful parent. That wasn't even the subject of why she > posted in the first place. It was kind of a "side item". I think the > subject is that her and her husband aren't getting along. Exactly! >> Do you really think there's even one parent in the world who >> would not benefit from taking parenting courses? Seriously? [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > counselling and classes, worthless. It sounds like her husband needs > the classes but refuses or will refuse to go. Not much of anything. . >> I dont expect you to look at me as no more than a child...but I am very >> capable of taking care of my child so dont worry about me having to get [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Do you really think there's even one parent in the world who > would not benefit from taking parenting courses? Seriously? Yes. Fred Rogers. > There isn't. Do you think there's one married couple in > the world who wouldn't benefit from taking marriage courses? [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > down to it. Insults, words that hurt, turning abusive even > once - It all says time to take a course in fair fighting. >> Do you really think there's even one parent in the world who >> would not benefit from taking parenting courses? Seriously? > > Yes. Fred Rogers. LOL! And that's your best effort at being serious. Seriously, it is. >When younger people marry, especially because there is a pregnancy, they >don't know how to be married, let alone be a parent. I think it would do [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >> love my brother in law but it was too much for me too handle...I just need >> somebody to talk too... We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry him before that. I was pregnant at the time but did not know it...so it's not because we had too but because we wanted too. He asked my father if he could marry me, and a couple months later we were married. :) "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message > We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry >him > before that. I was pregnant at the time but did not know it...so it's not > because we had too but because we wanted too. He asked my father if >he > could marry me, and a couple months later we were married. :) I understand, but you had a baby extremely early in the marriage. Your husband and yourself did not learn how to live with each other and have time to yourselves to get to know each other by living with each other by having a child so soon. Having children adds such a huge change and dynamic to a family who has been married for a while that having one so early can make things even more difficult. It can work with hard work, but both of you need to be on the same page as to making it work. The fact that you are arguing so much tells me that there are a lot of unresolved problems that need to be addressed, that is why seeing a marriage counselor would be so beneficial to you both and your child. Are you going to school at all, do you have any kind of job or career to fall back on or to help you get out of the house at all? Do you have any outside interests? SignatureSue (mom to three girls) >"tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry >him [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] >kind of job or career to fall back on or to help you get out of the house at >all? Do you have any outside interests? Actually this coming september I am going to school to become a nurse...and as for outside activities I love camping and fishing..maybe I could spend some time with my friends fishing and camping. Im also a girl for going on road trips but it's hard when he doesn't let me go...well there we go, husband again...he hates it when i do things for myself...its either he is with me or I usually dont go anywhere. I had a trip planned with a friend to go down island for the day. My husband took off fishing before I got up and i was stuck home once again...i think I may have too much time on my hands >>"tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry >him [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >go down island for the day. My husband took off fishing before I got up and i >was stuck home once again...i think I may have too much time on my hands I just need to set some time aside for myself and make sure it DOES go ahead. Not having to stay home all day by myself sounds soooo nice >> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > some time with my friends fishing and camping. Im also a girl for going on > road trips but it's hard when he doesn't let me go... HE doesn't "let" you go??? I don't get it! (I mean: YOU are in charge of your own life, not him. And if you aren't, there is something fundamentally wrong here). > well there we go, > husband again...he hates it when i do things for myself... That is on him! That is HIS issue, and I do mean, issue. And NOT your problem. > its either he is > with me or I usually dont go anywhere. I had a trip planned with a friend > to > go down island for the day. And you should be able to do that. > My husband took off fishing before I got up and i > was stuck home once again...i think I may have too much time on my hands I think your husband sounds a bit like a self-centered a.s. (no offense) >>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > >I think your husband sounds a bit like a self-centered a.s. (no offense) well no offense taken...it's not that he don't let me go out, but he makes me feel like s*** if i do. So in that case I hate to go out anywhere and I cant enjoy myself because Im worried about what will be said the next day > >>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message > >>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] > feel like s*** if i do. So in that case I hate to go out anywhere and I cant > enjoy myself because Im worried about what will be said the next day- Hide quoted text - Have you told him that his remarks make you feel so bad and guilty? I tell ya, sometimes you really got to knock the guy over the head with a frying pan to get them to understand that we take those words to heart. For me one remark can stay with me for a long, long time, that eventually if I do have a go out and he doesn't say much of anything, I *still* feel so guilty. It ends up turning against you and starts to be your own problem. Do you think he really wants to keep you chained to the house? Vickie >> >>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >> >>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > >Vickie Maybe it's just me but it seems like he wants me all to himself and it bothers me....I try telling him but the more I cry the more he puts me down >>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > and it bothers me....I try telling him but the more I cry the > more he puts me down Maybe he isn't putting you down at all, but you just over-react to what he does say. > >> >>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message > >> >>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > Maybe it's just me but it seems like he wants me all to himself and it > bothers me....> That would be flattering of course, but would also get old very quickly. I try telling him but the more I cry the more he puts me down- Hide quoted text - Arm chair diagnosis, he feels guilty. My DH gets very upset when he feels guilty and takes it out in the form of put-downs and bellowing. Your husband probably *knows* deep-down, somewhere, that keeping you capitive (so to speak) is wrong, but is either unwilling or having a really hard time changing his ways. You probably need to just close your ears to it and ignore the guilt as best you can and go. When he starts in on you when you return tell him you understand he would rather you didn't go, but you need to re- charge and live. Vickie >>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > >I think your husband sounds a bit like a self-centered a.s. (no offense) by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who seems to understand where I come from...you never seem to judge and tend to help me instead of put me down like most of the rest of these people. I know their only trying to help but their only making it worst by talking bull saying i need parenting skills............Think of it this way if I was 50 with problems in my marriage they wouldnt think twice about my children....so they just really need to look at what my real problem is...not make me feel like a unexperienced mother.... >>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >need to look at what my real problem is...not make me feel like a >unexperienced mother.... This is not to everybody but mostly to ALL IN WHATEVER the hell you call yourself >>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > This is not to everybody but mostly to ALL IN WHATEVER the hell > you call yourself Thank you, although I've got to wonder why you'd react that way just because I said that someone else's avice was good advice. I don't think these kinds of overreactions will serve you that well in life very much. but if you think I've put you down, I'd like you to back up that accusation with an explanation, if you can. >>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > very much. but if you think I've put you down, I'd like you to back > up that accusation with an explanation, if you can. LOL. This is ripe - AY giving lectures on how to live. ROFLMAO! More nonsense from the 'lil guy. >>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > very much. but if you think I've put you down, I'd like you to back > up that accusation with an explanation, if you can. (Don't bother, Tara. He's just toying with you - that's his game). More nonsense from the 'lil guy. > >>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message > >>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > need to look at what my real problem is...not make me feel like a > unexperienced mother....- Hide quoted text - Bill has good insight. He knows when someone is hurting and needs empathy. He is a good guy and I'm glad you noticed. :-) Vickie >> >>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >> >>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to marry [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > >Vickie Im glad you feel the same way :) >>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to [quoted text clipped - 39 lines] > Bill has good insight. He knows when someone is hurting and needs > empathy. Well,...as long as he thinks you're female and you haven't "turned" on him yet. Outside of that he can be quite vicious. > He is a good guy and I'm glad you noticed. :-) > > Vickie >>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >> >> Vickie hehehe thats okay...hes been nice to me so thats all that matters...as far as ive seen hes been the only one NOT vicious in ways lol >>>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>>> We did not marry because I was pregnant either...he asked me to [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] >> him >> yet. Outside of that he can be quite vicious. Pot, Kettle. (self projection noted) >>> He is a good guy and I'm glad you noticed. :-) >>> [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > as > ive seen hes been the only one NOT vicious in ways lol Well, I can be a bit steely, that is true. Particularly against the dumbasses who really deserve it. :-) > Pot, Kettle. (self projection noted) It's good that you've taken to noting your own self-projection. That's a start, anyway. "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message > by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who seems to > >understand where I come from...you never seem to judge and tend to >help [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > children....so >they just really need to look at what my real problem > is...not make me >feel like a unexperienced mother.... Hmm, I only suggested classes and I meant marital, but I threw in parenting classes because a mother of a 16 month old has not experienced everything about parenting. You haven't started the real parenting. Right now is just taking care of the child. When my first child was around the age of yours, I went to a baby and me class because I was bored stiff and needed people to talk to. They also gave out wonderful advice about teething, sleeping problems, tantrums that were coming up, and other things that a new mother could worry about. I was also able to make friends with others who helped me out a lot and gave lots of support. You seem to have only a focus on that one thing I mentioned. And it also seems you are being too defensive because you are a young mom. My kids are teens and I want to take a class on how to deal with teens, lol because they just blow me away sometimes. Just because someone suggested a class doesn't mean that you are inadequate. If you know everything there is to know about parenting, then good for you. I saw in your posts that you didn't know too many people and personally thought that was a good way to get to know others. Personally though, I think marriage counseling and/or relationship counseling might be better for you at this time. Also, if your husband is not letting you have a life and getting out of the house for a break, that is a huge problem and something that he needs to work on, which counseling would help with that. He should not be controlling you in that way. Happy mothers makes happy wives. SignatureSue (mom to three girls) >"tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who seems to [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] >to work on, which counseling would help with that. He should not be >controlling you in that way. Happy mothers makes happy wives. Thank you for that....It was not your post on saying I should get some parenting classes that angered me, it was the way another person said it...I dont have any time for people who try to put me down in a situation when im trying to solve another one. Anyways I have been to first steps...which is a program for children under 12 months...you get to meet new people, get your child interactive with other children, and you get to learn lots of great things. Like I said I am not a prefect person and no, I dont know everything about motherhood. Who do??? lol... And as regards to the marriage counseling like I have said...he will not take them because he thinks our marriage is fine!! and to him maybe it is because Im like a little mouse in the corner all the time afraid to say anything....but the moment I do say anything like i want to go out for the day with a friend he will roll his eyes, and that alone is enough to make you sick. He is always gone...I mean always, and its funny because everybody here in this town notices it besides him. Even his cousin has said that he does a poor job of entertaining me...and had said that he should take me out sometime!!! That I fear..Is sad. Happy mothers makes happy wives is a very true statement and I believe he do not know the meaning of it :( X-No-Arhive:yes > Thank you for that....It was not your post on saying I should get some > parenting classes that angered me, it was the way another person said it...I [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Just out of curiosity, where is he going? Always gone? Is he out with friends having a good time? I'm sure you are doing a fine job as a parent. My wife and I are in our 30s, parents of 2 very young children (2 and 5 months). We haven't had any parenting classes. We go on the values taught us by our own parents and our own Christian beliefs. I think we are doing a pretty good job so far. Anyway, the point I was going to come around to, is beyond the fact that you are basically "stuck" at home all the time, one thing I have learned in my short stint at parenthood, is that just being there is HUGE. My daugthers notice big time when I am not there. Same goes for mom, too; probably not as much b/c she is there all day. When I have to travel with my job, though, or even just go to work, my wife hears a lot of "where's Daddy?....is Daddy hiding?" I know it might lead to another fight, but it may not hurt to remind him that he IS a father and needs to be there. Don't think it is a bad thing to stand up for yourself. Don't just concede to being a mouse in the corner. The more you allow that, the more it is going to happen because he is getting away with it. It may mean some arguments right now, but after a while, if he has any sense, he is going to realize that his opinions and wishes aren't always the final word. I've been that mouse in the corner and sometimes you need to "squeak". >X-No-Arhive:yes > [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] >and wishes aren't always the final word. I've been that mouse in the >corner and sometimes you need to "squeak". Yes he goes out with his friends and leaves me behind...I never get to do anything for myself and when I do get the chance to go out, I get questioned when i get home...where were you??? why didnt you call??? and not that i mentioned this but he has the tendency to pass our son off to me....just the other day he brought him outside to me...I was cleaning up and he said.."here change him would you" Im like "well cant you?" hes like" well you do it better than me" Thats BAD.....If I DO get to go out he wont let me go until the baby is asleep...I have to put him down or Im not "aloud"...it sucks and I hope you see where Im comming from X-No-Archive > >X-No-Arhive:yes > [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > - Show quoted text - I totally see where you are coming from. That does suck. He needs to be a dad. That includes diaper changes and taking care of the baby so you can have a life, too. It's hard to conceive of you not being permitted to go do something. That doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. When you first mentioned "abuse", I kind of got the notion that it went as far as verbal abuse. He "threw" you into a mirror? Now, I don't know what the circumstances of that were, but as much as I believe in the intstitution of marriage, I don't believe in a woman having stay around to be physically abused...especially with a child, who is likely to face the same type of interaction. > X-No-Arhive:yes > [quoted text clipped - 50 lines] > more you allow that, the more it is going to happen because he is > getting away with it. Exactly. > It may mean some arguments right now, but after > a while, if he has any sense, he is going to realize that his opinions > and wishes aren't always the final word. And that is the point. > I've been that mouse in the > corner and sometimes you need to "squeak". >> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who seems [quoted text clipped - 36 lines] > to put me down in a situation when im trying to solve another > one. You mean by simply saying that you're very young, and that it's not unusual for very young mothers to find parenting advice valuable? How is that putting you down? And if *that* is putting you down, then I've got to wonder how valid your claim might be that your DH is putting you down. >>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who seems [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >then I've got to wonder how valid your claim might be that your DH >is putting you down. Im sorry you seem to think that Im lying about this problem with my husband... which is not the case at all...there are good days and there are bad days, and its not me at all...not too long ago he threw me into a mirror along with the closet behind me which the door came completely off and fell on top of me! !!! was that because he was being nice???? am I wrong to say he is putting me down??? >>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Im sorry you seem to think that Im lying about this problem with > my husband... which is not the case at all. I have no idea how you came to the conclusion that I thought that you were lying. I said that, given how easily you came to the conclusion that I was putting you down, I wondered how valid your claims of other people (e.g., your DH) putting you down might be. >..there are good days > and there are bad days, and its not me at all...not too long ago > he threw me into a mirror along with the closet behind me which > the door came completely off and fell on top of me! !!! was that > because he was being nice???? am I wrong to say he is putting me > down??? No, you're not. Thank you for adding that information to my understanding of the situation. But I still believe that you are much too quick to think others are putting you down. >>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > I have no idea... Exactly. >>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] >understanding of the situation. But I still believe that you are >much too quick to think others are putting you down. Maybe I am a little quick at drawing conclusions...but you should also re- read what your trying to put across to people...you seem to jump a little at Bill I see and whatever he means to say... so you should have no room to talk about me !!!....you spew some poison yourself "lil guy" >>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > Bill I see and whatever he means to say... so you should have no room to > talk about me !!!....you spew some poison yourself "lil guy" LOL. But he "can't" really see himself (aka: puts up a good act), so he deserves some pity. But maybe you can "help" him. Good luck! :-) >>>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >LOL. But he "can't" really see himself (aka: puts up a good act), so he >deserves some pity. But maybe you can "help" him. Good luck! :-) If he can't help himself, than Im pretty sure I can't. Wish I could give him a taste of his own little games >>>>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > If he can't help himself, than Im pretty sure I can't. Wish I > could give him a taste of his own little games I'm right here. If you want to put yourself on the same level as that other a.shole, go right ahead. Your choice. But it certainly explains why your life is so incredibly screwed up. SignatureNOTICE: I treat everything which anyone posts in Usenet as nothing more than a work of fiction with no basis in fact or reality whatsoever. Every comment in every one of my posts is nothing more than a useless opinion or a wild speculation, and must never be taken seriously or as having any positive value to anyone for any reasons. I never assume that there’s any more to a story than what I have read, no matter what else the author or anyone else may have posted anywhere. Be advised that my remarks are that of an ignorant layperson, and no one should ever base their decisions upon them under any circumstances. >>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > means to say... so you should have no room to talk about me > !!!....you spew some poison yourself "lil guy" You've got to be kidding. >>>>>>> "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message >>>>>>>> by the way Bill in co your prob the only one in here who [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > > You've got to be kidding. Another whooosh moment for our tabula rasa. She was talking about you, dipshit. Look within yourself. - ~00 > - SignatureNOTICE: I treat everything which anyone posts in Usenet as nothing more than a work of fiction with no basis in fact or reality whatsoever. Every comment in every one of my posts is nothing more than a useless opinion or a wild speculation, and must never be taken seriously or as having any positive value to anyone for any reasons. I never assume that there’s any more to a story than what I have read, no matter what else the author or anyone else may have posted anywhere. Be advised that my remarks are that of an ignorant layperson, and no one should ever base their decisions upon them under any circumstances. > ..not too long ago he threw me into a mirror along with > the closet behind me which the door came completely off and fell on top of me! One chance to go to councelling with you fully engaged. Pass on the chance, you go to a shelter with the kid. Seriously. If it was one time and one time only he will not hesitate to go to councelling with you. Be clear it was far beyond the point of unacceptable and it put both the marriage on the line and also his participation in raising the child. "tarapower08" <u44525@uwe> wrote in message > Thank you for that....It was not your post on saying I should get some > parenting classes that angered me, it was the way another person said > >it... Oh okay. I thought it was me because I had suggested it too, but not because I thought you were a bad mom, just making new friends was what I was thinking. >I dont have any time for people who try to put me down in a situation >when >im trying to solve another one. I understand. >Anyways I have been to first steps...which is a program for children >under >12 months...you get to meet new people, get your > child interactive with other children, and you get to learn lots of great > things. That's great. I loved the classes when my kids were small. It was something to do, lol. >And as regards to the marriage counseling like I have said...he will not > >take them because he thinks our marriage is fine!! and to him maybe it is [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > Happy .mothers makes happy wives is a very true statement and I >believe > he do not know the meaning of it :( Perhaps you could go to counseling yourself. It might do wonders for your relationship and how you deal with it. And also, I understand you are having trouble with your MIL, talking to someone nonjudgmental may help with that matter to. I remember when I was first married and the |
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