Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2008

Can't you ever contribute anything of substance?  Anything at all,
'lil Fraudo?

You're still looking for a somewhat elusive medical "cause", as if 1) it
could be pinned down and identified and put in a box, and that 2) that would
answer this whole problem in the relationship (and with him) and between you
two.

Well, I rest my case.  I don't know what you mean by multi-coloured,
but it seems your entire response to my post is to say that it is
completely irrelevant because you know that all the problems you are
having are due to his anti-depressant withdrawal and the stressful
events that occured in your life.  I'm sorry, but that, by definition,
is denial, and abdication of accountability.  It is also not very
realistic.

Let me tell you something about anti-depressant withdrawal.  The
withdrawal of any psychotropic drug is going to result in a period of
instability while the brain's chemicals re-equilibrate.  This is true
for any patient, and I had read the current literature that you claim
is "evidenced".  It is not, by any means, definitive on the subject of
who will respond in a negative way and who will come off just fine.
But, I assure you, the vast majority of patients who come off of anti-
depressants survive the experience and their families and lives are
intact afterwards.  The literature that suggests that there are some
patients who respond otherwise is extremely controversial and by no
means crystal clear.  And it is totally unestablished that these
patients with poor outcomes were not victims of the original
psychopathology that put them on the medication in the first place and
their behaviour may have had nothing to do with the drug or the
withdrawal.

There is no way for science to distinguish yet between the patient who
comes off of anti-depressant medication and has a bad reaction to the
withdrawal, from the patient who has a rebound resurgence of his
depressive symptoms.  The "personality change" you are attributing to
withdrawal, however, is only remotely possible as the vast majority of
reactions to withdrawal are only an increase of depression symptoms
and occasional suicide attempts, not personality changes.  It has been
established for many years in the field of psychology that it is
extremely difficult, if not impossible, to change the basic
personality of a human.

Bear in mind that it takes only a very few patients with a bad
reaction for the media to jump all over it and cause such a furor that
the pharmaceutical companies feel obliged to add a black box warning
on the drug.  But it is not very realistic for you to assume that this
is the magic bullet that, together with the "unique" sequence of bad
luck events in your lives just happened to hit the spot required to
turn your husband into someone incapable of controlling his actions or
knowing what he was doing.  None of these drugs, nor their
withdrawals, cause such psychosis that your husband can be said to be
unaware of his actions or incapable of stopping them.

Stresses occuring at vulnerable times, as you suggest in your post, DO
HAPPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE.  You seem to think that if the very same
occurences happened to someone else, that there is some math dictating
that they too would react in the same way as you and your husband
reacted.  This is simply not true.  If it were, the murder rates in
this country would be absolutely sky-high.  And I mean much higher
than they already are.  The reaction is not determined by outside
occurences multiplied by midlife crisis, etc.  The reaction is
determined by the sum total of that person's basic ability to adapt to
crisis...and that is determined partly by genetic makeup, accumulated
life-experience (including, but not limited to the stresses in one's
life), how one was raised as a child, one's moral and values paradigm,
and one's basic temperament or personality (which so far, science has
not been able to find a way to significantly change at all).

So whether you like it or not, the outcome is most definitely "multi-
coloured" as you call it.  Perhaps what you meant was "shades of gray"
or, more accurately....multifactorial.  It has long been established
that all of human behaviour is multifactorial and that there is no
quick explanation for anything in human psychology.  The fact that you
still insist that there is, is not really helpful for you or your
marriage.

--tension

I would like to add though, that I would have "let him go" in the
first
year, had he not misrepresented his true motives.
I always had an inkling that his depression was partly due to
an inherited conflict between what he wanted to do and what he
was raised in a morally strict way, to do.   I always found his
Kantian ethics and intolerance of human follies, a bit harsh.
I always told him that he might be happier if he would allow
a bit more liberty into his own life and principles.  People do
what they want after all in the end.  He hated it when i said that to
him.
There may be many people in his life whom he secretly holds
in contempt, including his own, and there may be others with
whom he feels free.  Perhaps, events presented an opportunity
for him to loosen the shackles of morality.  If that is the case,
then it's a good transition into self-awareness for him.  And
that has nothing to do with our troubled marriage, as the
OW rudely and presumtuously informed me.  Infact, it has nothing to do
with me.
It has something to do with his character.

Erin

How come i have to do all the work and he can go scott-free
with no effort or acceptance of remorse?  I think that's sexist
at least, and unjust at most.  If he has no conscience, then
what is the use of me sweetening the pot?  And if you guys
refuse to accept the medical explanation, then there won't
be any kind of redemption further down the road.

Erin

Erin