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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2008Ice Cream
I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they are and what they do. Is it just thoughtlessness? Do some think it takes away some of their own worth if they give out a compliment? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7I5sixwOQlg Maybe we are led to believe we shouldn't need praise from our spouse, that if we have pride in ourself, we shouldn't need to hear it from our partner. That is all well and good, but I think everyone needs to hear it now and again. blah-bu-dee-blah, yep, okay then Vickie > I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Do some think it takes away some of their own worth if they give out a > compliment? That's pretty sad if that's true. > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7I5sixwOQlg Sorry, I'm on dialup. Old school. Plus I wouldn't watch You Tube crapola anyways! > Maybe we are led to believe we shouldn't need praise from our spouse, > that if we have pride in ourself, we shouldn't need to hear it from > our partner. To some degree, yes. > That is all well and good, but I think everyone needs to hear it now > and again. > > blah-bu-dee-blah, ?? Is that from Dion and the Belmonts? Or the Crystals or the Chiffons? On Jun 29, 2:24 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > > the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > That's pretty sad if that's true. When it takes a ton of prodding to coax a compliment it makes you wonder why it is so hard for some people. You end up giving up, and you either go the way of self-doubt or self-discovery. I hope the friend I talked with last eve goes toward self-discovery. > >http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7I5sixwOQlg > > Sorry, I'm on dialup. Old school. Plus I wouldn't watch You Tube > crapola anyways! Shut it! Lyrics: Your love is better than ice cream Better than anything else that I’ve tried And your love is better than ice cream Everyone here know how to cry And it’s a long way down It’s a long way down It’s a long way down to the place Where we started from - S McLaughlin > > Maybe we are led to believe we shouldn't need praise from our spouse, > > that if we have pride in ourself, we shouldn't need to hear it from > > our partner. > > To some degree, yes. Right, to some degree. > > That is all well and good, but I think everyone needs to hear it now > > and again. > > > blah-bu-dee-blah, > > ?? Is that from Dion and the Belmonts? Or the Crystals or the Chiffons? That is, uh, Vickie and the Vengeful Vikings? or ...the Volumptuous Virgins? ...the Vacillant Vagues? ...the Vault of Heaven? V > On Jun 29, 2:24 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > Shut it! It's not open. Sorry. Next? :-) > Lyrics: > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > - S McLaughlin Sarah means it's gotten a lot better? >>> Maybe we are led to believe we shouldn't need praise from our spouse, >>> that if we have pride in ourself, we shouldn't need to hear it from [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > V LOL. On Jun 29, 8:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jun 29, 2:24 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 64 lines] > > LOL. I like chocolate. It's OK to have dark chocolate chunks in the chocolate, milk chocolate. It's OK to have milk chocolate chunks, too, and Macadamia nuts Also caramel can be good by chocolate with chewy and cocoa-y So there > On Jun 29, 8:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 76 lines] > with chewy and cocoa-y > So there- Hide quoted text - Mmm, java chip, yum. V > On Jun 29, 8:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 75 lines] > with chewy and cocoa-y > So there But just where is there, grasshopper? On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jun 29, 2:24 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > It's not open. Sorry. > Next? :-) Such a stink-o. > > Lyrics: > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Sarah means it's gotten a lot better? No, it means, wouldn't you just ride on cloud nine if someone said those words to you? I think people are getting stingier with complements, especially between couples after the honeymoon is over. Vickie > On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] >>> Better than anything else that I've tried >>> And your love is better than ice cream Sounds pretty positive. >>> Everyone here know how to cry ?? But what is that doing in here? >>> And it's a long way down >>> It's a long way down [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > No, it means, wouldn't you just ride on cloud nine if someone said > those words to you? I guess I didn't see that in there. Am I missing something? What I see is what I think she is saying for herself (i.e., that they are up on top). Well, ok, except for that strange cry line (which I don't see how it fits in there). > I think people are getting stingier with complements, especially > between couples after the honeymoon is over. > > Vickie Oh, I'm pretty sure of that, at least to some extent. You kinda get used to each other, and just take each other for granted, to some degree. (But not in a really good marriage). > On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 48 lines] > I think people are getting stingier with complements, especially > between couples after the honeymoon is over. The problem I have with the assumption that this is a siutation/problem with "people" instead of you and your husband is that it sets up an expectation in your head that it just IS, and there is nothing you can do about it. If you *choose* not to address issues with your husband, that is you perogative. But I suspect that your tendency to think of these issues as general and common marital issues, I think leads you to a mental state that is not true. Best of luck, > The problem I have with the assumption that this is a > siutation/problem with "people" instead of you and your husband is [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > your tendency to think of these issues as general and common marital > issues, I think leads you to a mental state that is not true. I see your point, but I also see what she's doing a little differently.... I think if she reminds herself that her DH really isn't that different from anyone else, she keeps from falling into a poor me attitude. And the fact of the matter is that sometimes you can't change what your spouse is like, and you just have to learn to accept it. Xorra > > On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > general and common marital issues, I think leads you to a mental state that > is not true. Maybe it does. I realize the *reasons* for the situation/problem can differ as night to day, but the experience can be shared and maybe lead one to some answers they have not considered and maybe some suggestions of where to go from here. Vickie >>> On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> >>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 64 lines] > > Vickie I suppose. It does strike me as odd that you specifically DON'T attempt to find out what is going on in YOUR situtaion. You seem to focus on generalities to the exclusion of looking at particulars, at least on here. Best of luck. > >>> On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > >>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 67 lines] > I suppose. It does strike me as odd that you specifically DON'T attempt to > find out what is going on in YOUR situtaion. Like hell I don't. > You seem to focus on > generalities to the exclusion of looking at particulars, at least on here. I have spent a good portion of posting my specifics. At this point in my marriage I feel that some of the doozy issues have come to a close. If you have had an issue like that you would understand that when it ends it kind of sends you reeling. I am left with built up feelings and my husband has some as well. So now it is the little things that, try as I might, I want to not make bigger than they are, tamp down on the resentment, not bring in the past, and figure what needs to be addressed or let go. Vickie >>>>> On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> >>>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 71 lines] > > Like hell I don't. Hmmm. Maybe it has been a while or I missed it. >> You seem to focus on >> generalities to the exclusion of looking at particulars, at least on [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > come to a close. If you have had an issue like that you would > understand that when it ends it kind of sends you reeling. I am not sure what yoy mean, did a bad issue end in a good way or the other way around? I remember quite well when things were Bad with a capital B. Reeling is not my scene. It was a simple decision that I was not going to live like that for the next 60 years and that it was going to change and that I was willing to risk losing it to change it. But again, that is me. The gnashing of teeth is short and then on to productive steps. > I am left with built up feelings and my husband has some as well. So > now it is the little things that, try as I might, I want to not make > bigger than they are, tamp down on the resentment, not bring in the > past, and figure what needs to be addressed or let go. > > Vickie I think tamping resentment is a bad idea, personally. When do you get to be you, without excuse or fear of rejection? > >>>>> On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > >>>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 73 lines] > > Hmmm. Maybe it has been a while or I missed it. Yes, you were not around when I first started to post. And sometimes I am more comfortable talking in generals. In any case, posters here couldn't possibly know everything I do to find out what is going on in my situation and the resolutions I strive for. I would not try to hazard a guess or make an assumption as to whether you are doing all you can in your own marriage. I am not living there to see and hear it. Ok, well maybe sometimes I make a guess... > >> You seem to focus on > >> generalities to the exclusion of looking at particulars, at least on [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > I am not sure what yoy mean, did a bad issue end in a good way or the other > way around? Bad to good. > I remember quite well when things were Bad with a capital B. Reeling is not > my scene. It was a simple decision that I was not going to live like that > for the next 60 years and that it was going to change and that I was willing > to risk losing it to change it. But again, that is me. The gnashing of teeth > is short and then on to productive steps. Kudos, sincerely. For me after many consecutive years of fighting and arguing and quiet acceptance, then round and round again, well, when it ends, I *am* left floundering. > > I am left with built up feelings and my husband has some as well. So > > now it is the little things that, try as I might, I want to not make > > bigger than they are, tamp down on the resentment, not bring in the > > past, and figure what needs to be addressed or let go. > I think tamping resentment is a bad idea, personally. When do you get to be > you, without excuse or fear of rejection?- Hide quoted text - Not sure really. It is a sad, pathetic place to be in. I want those feelings to just go away, but they won't. I am hoping with time they will diminsh. In regards to this post, I was thinking how maybe my DH telling me he is proud of me may help to quicken the fade of those bad feelings. I thought I would post to the others who are in similar situations and see if they felt it would make a big difference in their own lives if they heard something like that on occassion. Vickie >>>>> On Jun 30, 5:30 am, "Stephanie" <nothanks.nevergonedoit.com> >>>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 112 lines] > acceptance, then round and round again, well, when it ends, I *am* > left floundering. Have you read "Passionate Marriage?" It may be interesting to you. >>> I am left with built up feelings and my husband has some as well. So >>> now it is the little things that, try as I might, I want to not make [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > Vickie > >>>>> On Jun 30, 5:30 am, "Stephanie" <nothanks.nevergonedoit.com> > >>>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 114 lines] > > Have you read "Passionate Marriage?" It may be interesting to you. I have heard it mentioned here before, but give me an idea what it is about, if you don't mind. Vickie >>>>>>> On Jun 30, 5:30 am, "Stephanie" <nothanks.nevergonedoit.com> >>>>>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 107 lines] >>>> that is me. The gnashing of teeth is short and then on to productive >>>> steps. ?? But you explained what it was you did to get it that way. >>> Kudos, sincerely. >>> For me after many consecutive years of fighting and arguing and quiet [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Vickie You can probably get a fair idea about it from wikipedia and amazon.com. I love those sites. And heck, I'm on dialup, so I gotta work harder to get it. :-) >>>>>>> On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> >>>>>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 134 lines] > > Vickie I think if you have to depend on his being proud of you, and telling you so, that is a bit risky. You just need to feel better about this within yourself, and yes, largely independent of him (or anyone else). So when he offers kudos, that's like adding some celantro to the boiled potatoes! But the potatoes are already well in place, and can stand on their own. :-) On Jul 3, 12:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > >>>>>>> On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > >>>>>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 141 lines] > But the potatoes are already well in place, and can stand on their own. > :-)- Hide quoted text - Yeah, you're right. It is just so dang hard. I don't want to turn into one of those wives who jumps to conclusions and thinks everything has more meaning than it does. I don't know, I kind of think I already do. I think that is part of the fall-out after big problems/issues have been resolved. The reason for the post though, was something I had never considered. You want to hear I love you, and I get that, but to have someone appreciate you, that is kind of big. It has always come easy for me to be excited and proud of people I know and most importantly to *let* them know. I guess it doesn't come quite as easy for others and that makes it hard for me to understand when I think I deserve some sugar, but it isn't sprinkled. Vickie > On Jul 3, 12:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 156 lines] > know and most importantly to *let* them know. I guess it doesn't come > quite as easy for others Right. Or it's not even on their radar. (we all have somewhat different radars :-) > and that makes it hard for me to understand > when I think I deserve some sugar, but it isn't sprinkled. Well - but we're all different. If your (or anyone's, for that matter) expectations are different, we're bound to be disappointed. On Jul 3, 7:16 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 3, 12:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 165 lines] > Well - but we're all different. If your (or anyone's, for that matter) > expectations are different, we're bound to be disappointed.- Hide quoted text - Gads, is that the key to life or what? Anyway you can teach someone to live without any expectations? Sign me up. Vickie > On Jul 3, 7:16 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 180 lines] > > Gads, is that the key to life or what? It would be great in an ideal world. :-) > Anyway you can teach someone to live without any expectations? Sign > me up. > > Vickie LOL. I've heard that drugs "help". :-) On Jul 4, 2:18 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 3, 7:16 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 189 lines] > > LOL. I've heard that drugs "help". :-) Drugs help teaching or living without expectations? :) > On Jul 4, 2:18 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 215 lines] > > Drugs help teaching or living without expectations? :) Living without expectations, as in, everything is bliss. Errr, at least for awhile. :-) On Jul 8, 3:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 4, 2:18 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 218 lines] > Living without expectations, as in, everything is bliss. Errr, at least > for awhile. :-) What kind of drugs do that? Sign me up. I have a nonblissful situation or two I'd just as soon morph into bliss. > On Jul 8, 3:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 230 lines] > What kind of drugs do that? Sign me up. I have a nonblissful situation > or two I'd just as soon morph into bliss. I thought dope was supposed to do that ... at least for a limited while. :-) Heroin? Morphine? Ecstasy? Seriously, isn't that why drug addicts are addicts? They find some "good stuff" which gives them pleasure and a good "high". And then it either stops working, or the required dosage keeps going up, or a host of other complications and health problems ensue, least of all financing it. Such a bummer... On Jul 10, 1:35 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 8, 3:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 240 lines] > > Such a bummer... Well, too, Moonbeams, if you take away the nonblissful situations, then you can't enjoy the blissful ones as much, can you? I mean, isn't part of what makes the good things in our lives so unbelievably blissful (like my husband) heightened by the juxtaposition to the nonblissful -- either crummy first marriage, in my case, or perhaps extended family toxicity...heh, heh (I've been reading The Invisible Man, HG Wells, so I'm heh heh-ing a lot these days) Fill > On Jul 10, 1:35 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 264 lines] > Well, too, Moonbeams, if you take away the nonblissful situations, > then you can't enjoy the blissful ones as much, can you? Ummm, I'm willing to give it a go. Where's the sign up sheet? > I mean, isn't part of what makes the good things in our lives so > unbelievably > blissful (like my husband) heightened by the juxtaposition to the > nonblissful -- either crummy first marriage, in my case, or perhaps > extended family toxicity...heh, heh I'm tired of the juxtaposition. (But if you want more, I'll gladly ship ya some. :-) Or as the saying goes, I think I've lived too long already. > (I've been reading The Invisible Man, HG Wells, so I'm heh heh-ing a > lot these days) > Fill That was another classic. Haven't been reading much lately over here, but I do watch Book TV (on CSPAN2), and love it. (along with TCM, one of my favorite channels, esp the 40's flicks) On Jul 12, 2:10 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 10, 1:35 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 285 lines] > CSPAN2), and love it. (along with TCM, one of my favorite channels, esp > the 40's flicks) Explain "tired of the juxtapostion" and what anything might be like without it, and leave out the pills you were telling me about I think juxtaposing is how we make sense of a lot of things. I talked with my students, many who thought Iraq was responsible for 9-11, and they talked about how the images of 9-11 were juxtaposed to Bush's talking about Iraq and Saddam Hussein. They put them together, made meaning. Hhhhrrrumpppthhhh. But at least they had good reasons WHY they thought the two were connected. Read a book, don't watch book tv! Sheesh, Bill, Fill > On Jul 12, 2:10 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 294 lines] > Explain "tired of the juxtapostion" and what anything might be like > without it, and leave out the pills you were telling me about Ummm. I'm not sure I can.... Either you see it, or you don't. :-) > I think juxtaposing is how we make sense of a lot of things. I talked > with my students, many who thought Iraq was responsible for 9-11, Oh lovely...! Talking about being clueless! (are we talking about those students, or about Bush and Cheney? (nevermind, it's a rather poor joke) > and they talked about how the images of 9-11 were juxtaposed to Bush's > talking about Iraq and Saddam Hussein. They put them together, made [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Read a book, don't watch book tv! Sheesh, Bill, Fill Hey, there is nothing wrong with watching Book TV on CSPAN2. Have you ever even done it? Don't knock it till you've tried it. It's where the author (often very well-reknown) discusses his/her book, and then afterwards, takes questions from the folks in the audience (it's almost always hosted in a local bookstore), and then does some booksigning at the end. It is good, and the interactivity is nice. On Jul 14, 2:41 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 12, 2:10 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> SNIP > It's where the author (often very well-reknown) discusses his/her book, and > then afterwards, takes questions from the folks in the audience (it's almost > always hosted in a local bookstore), and then does some booksigning at the > end. It is good, and the interactivity is nice. Yes, I know the program and it is good--but you, Bill, just need to join a book group for interactivity. A real flesh and blood experience! It will help your moonbeams shine. (Actually, tho, I was j/k because I think pretty much any way that anyone reads almost anything is good.) I love teaching in the summer. I have a small class (only 12) and a good half of them are ace-ing it. This is typical for a summer course. Makes the days fly by. I think, too, novels just work well in the summer readign scheme. how's CO > On Jul 14, 2:41 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > join a book group for interactivity. A real flesh and blood > experience! I don't wanna! > It will help your moonbeams shine. LOL Well, so you think. (ok, ok, maybe part of it is true) > (Actually, tho, I was j/k because I think pretty much any way that > anyone reads almost anything is good.) > > I love teaching in the summer. I have a small class (only 12) and a > good half of them are ace-ing it. This is typical for a summer course. Hey, that sounds good! Only 12 - is NICE!! > Makes the days fly by. I think, too, novels just work well in the > summer readign scheme. When I read, I tend read more non-fiction than fiction. For fiction (and some non-fiction), I watch HBO, TCM, CSPAN, etc. :-) > how's CO Lovely, but a bit hot. And VERY sunny out here (and nearly always is). Dry and hot. There is rarely much humidity out here (unlike back East). Sometimes I miss that. And I miss all that GREEN lushness back East, because it is sooo lush out there, and GREEN. And all the TREES!!! (but I don' miss the humid summers back East - especially when it's over 80 degrees out there!) :-) How's it out there? On Jul 14, 3:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 14, 2:41 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > > How's it out there? Lovely here--not too many really hot days (tho today is)--we've only had our AC on twice all summer. But mostly sunny with rain every4 or 5 days, good for the corn y'know. Getting in lots of biking and boating. 12 is just soooooo nice. It's really how it should be, if we really value teaching/education. Well, OK, even 15-18. I wish I could post some of the creative work I'm getting here. You'd think it was cool. Fill > On Jul 14, 3:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 60 lines] > > Fill I usually had small classes too due the nature of the subject. It was nice. 30 was large for me, but 10 -15 was ideal. :-) I'm surprised it's not really hot out there! (by really hot, I mean over 80, and with the humidity) On Jul 15, 5:33 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 14, 3:30 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] > I'm surprised it's not really hot out there! (by really hot, I mean over > 80, and with the humidity) Nope--most days 78-82 with low humidity. We love it! Today is my son's (actually, my stepson, but he's a love and joy of my life, too) 21st b-day! He's coming in from the Twin Cities. I just put three layers of from-scratch Devil's Food Cake in the oven! It will be good to see him. (He's the only member of my husband's family who is not "toxic"--by this I mean, of course, toxic for me, I'm sure they're all lovely people in their own inclusive world, but my trying to fit in--as I've mentioned before in this group--is really toxic, harmful to my health. (And for those of you who forgot, I sucked in toxicity for three years before "removing myself"--and said "removal" came largely from the good people's here help.) Anyhow, this young man is the only one who I lived with (starting when he was about 16) and I just love him to pieces. And I'm glad he loves me too! >>>>>> On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> >>>>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 96 lines] > teeth > is short and then on to productive steps. Well, what did you do (if you care to share)? >> I am left with built up feelings and my husband has some as well. So >> now it is the little things that, try as I might, I want to not make [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > be > you, without excuse or fear of rejection? Stephanie wrote: > Vickie wrote: >> On Jul 1, 5:06 am, "Stephanie" <nothanks.nevergonedoit.com> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 102 lines] > teeth > is short and then on to productive steps. Well, what did you do (if you care to share)? >>>> On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> >>>> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 67 lines] > I suppose. It does strike me as odd that you specifically DON'T attempt to > find out what is going on in YOUR situtation. What makes you think she doesn't know what is going on? That's not the issue - the issue is, HOW to resolve it. > You seem to focus on > generalities to the exclusion of looking at particulars, at least on here. > > Best of luck. On Jun 29, 6:46 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jun 29, 2:24 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 68 lines] > > - Show quoted text - sp correction compliments V > When it takes a ton of prodding to coax a compliment it makes you > wonder why it is so hard for some people. You end up giving up, and > you either go the way of self-doubt or self-discovery. I hope the > friend I talked with last eve goes toward self-discovery. well I for one think you are way hot....no prodding required > > When it takes a ton of prodding to coax a compliment it makes you > > wonder why it is so hard for some people. You end up giving up, and > > you either go the way of self-doubt or self-discovery. I hope the > > friend I talked with last eve goes toward self-discovery. > > well I for one think you are way hot....no prodding required 1. - you made my day 2. - right back at ya 3. - the check is in the mail Vickie >>> When it takes a ton of prodding to coax a compliment it makes you >>> wonder why it is so hard for some people. You end up giving up, and [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Vickie LOL!! And I agree with Lone Wolf. (long time no see, LW!). Although I'm still trying to figure out the deep inner meaning behind the term "Canuck" (when I looked it up, it said it normally refers to French Canadians, and that it was a bit derogatory. But why so, I have no idea) Besides which, I thought the French Canadians were predominantly in EASTERN Canada, and not Western. Eastern, as in Quebec province. But maybe that's an incorrect assumption. Still, as I understand it, Quebec (and only Quebec) is heavily French, and even wanted to secede, at one point. On Jun 30, 4:17 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > >>> When it takes a ton of prodding to coax a compliment it makes you > >>> wonder why it is so hard for some people. You end up giving up, and [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > > - Show quoted text - uh Bill.. you have me confused with another Canuk ( We REALLY do all look alike). Lone wolf is on the west coast, I'm on the east coast in Quebec, and yes the majority of people here speak French. Deux langues le font très intéressant et exciter. > On Jun 30, 4:17 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > Quebec, and yes the majority of people here speak French. Deux langues > le font très intéressant et exciter. LOL. OK, thanks for the clarification (although I'm still confused). :-) But I thought it was Lone Wolf who mentioned Canuk. Or maybe it was you, kato. Did you both post in here recently? Damn, I must be losing my mind. But maybe that's a blessing in disguise. On Jun 30, 6:53 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > kato...@live.ca wrote: > > On Jun 30, 4:17 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> [quoted text clipped - 36 lines] > kato. Did you both post in here recently? Damn, I must be losing my > mind. But maybe that's a blessing in disguise.- Hide quoted text - Okay, I think I got it. Slightly Greying Wolf who is over the moon with luck and life posted recently. He is Canadian, I think. I did not congratulate him, as I don't know him, but still I should remedy that. Lone Wolf is a cuz of Saul's, whose girl is having his baby, probably also quite happy over that. kato, mmmm, kato, well, he speaks French (Canadian).....etre encore mon coeur ...or something like that, lol. Vickie Oh, it's this one. OK. It was Kato, not Lone Wolf. Amended and corrected below. My bad. >>>> When it takes a ton of prodding to coax a compliment it makes you >>>> wonder why it is so hard for some people. You end up giving up, and [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >> >> Vickie LOL!! And I agree with Kato above. (I corrected the name here, my bad). Long time no see, Kato! > Although I'm still trying to figure out the deep inner meaning behind the > term "Canuck" (when I looked it up, it said it normally refers to French > Canadians, and that it was a bit derogatory. But why so, I have no idea) The rest of this snipped, since I was a bit out to lunch. :-) On Jun 30, 7:10 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > Oh, it's this one. OK. It was Kato, not Lone Wolf. > Amended and corrected below. My bad. [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > LOL!! > And I agree with Kato above. I knew there was a reason I liked you, lol. well, what can I say...you know....totally dorkin' out now...LOL....blehhh thanks and all that sheesh! V > I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they > are and what they do. Why do you persist in the belief that this is normal, natural, happens frequently to others....? Does it make it easier thinking that it is not just you and a problem between you and your husband? > Is it just thoughtlessness? > Do some think it takes away some of their own worth if they give out a [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > That is all well and good, but I think everyone needs to hear it now > and again. We do too. That's why we do it. Does your husband share your belief? > blah-bu-dee-blah, yep, okay then > > Vickie > > I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > > the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > frequently to others....? Does it make it easier thinking that it is not > just you and a problem between you and your husband? I don't think I am going too far out on a limb here. Sure my own personal experience comes into play, but I think there is other proof out there. Why would we hear phrases such as "The honeymoon is over."? Why are there books written about how to get close to your spouse or to re-kindle the intimacy? Goodness, in this NG I see it; momof4 and saddened, not to mention some of the regulars. Does it make it easier thinking it is a normal difficulty in marriage? Yeah, yeah it does. To condole with, sympathize with, basically to care, that is what is natural for me. And to think I went to the trouble of *not* making it a male/female thing! lol > > Is it just thoughtlessness? > > Do some think it takes away some of their own worth if they give out a [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > We do too. That's why we do it. Does your husband share your belief? I think he would, if perhaps he thought about it. Other spouses probably have to get over whatever it is holding them back from doing it. It is why I proposed the questions I orginally did. Vickie > I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > Vickie Vickie, Recieving encouragement & compliments from our loved ones is wanted because it's gives us self value through others we love and respect. When we don't receive this consideration from them we question what they think of us. Moving forward sometimes is a must because they might not be able to give us what we desire. Placing yourself with people who encourage and lift your spirits is the key. Jack Canfield "chicken soup for the soul" recommends making a list of all the people in your life and then review to see if they are a positive or negitive to your inner self. You can't always remove these people from your life, yet you can see it for what it is and find positive people to place yourself with. We all need to hear the Good things about ourselves to reach our true self worth. Cindi Q. > I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they > are and what they do. You use the word "natural"; I would use "unnatural" if romance still soaks the sheets. If opposite grains have attracted, time can easily turn into the rocks that separate. > Is it just thoughtlessness? No - it's being taken for granted. > Do some think it takes away some of their own worth if they give out a > compliment? Yes, some are so out-of-touch and lacking self-esteem that complements might have to much of an uplifting effect. > Maybe we are led to believe we shouldn't need praise from our spouse, > that if we have pride in ourself, we shouldn't need to hear it from > our partner. In a world far far away in another galaxy, that might be so; when man/woman have evolved into a unisex robotic object. But, here on earth - we all need praise. The question is how often and for what. > > I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > > the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > man/woman have evolved into a unisex robotic object. But, here on earth > - we all need praise. The question is how often and for what. We do need praise, or at least someone to recognize we're trying (my feeling it doensnt have to be praise, as in ya did a good job, but recognition, as in I know how hard ya tried). You did a good job=soemone else's appraisal of you and your efforts, based on their beliefs, (usually). "I know how hard you tried" means that who ever said that recognizes who you are, how you try in your own way, and even if it's not "as good as" that person's own attempts/effots at whatever, it recognizes your position in the world. My entire in-laws and steps, excpet for stepson, can neither say "Ya did a good job Fill" or "Ya tried the best ya could Fill." For them, it's always in terms of what I did wrong. For me, they remain TOXIC. Name that Tune (Bill?) Stay away from/my window Leave at your own chosen speed I'm not the/one you want [babe] I'm not the one you need ice cream sherbet frozen yogurt >>> I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget >>> the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > I'm not the/one you want [babe] > I'm not the one you need "It ain't me babe, no no no, it ain't me babe, it ain't me you're looking for...." circa 1965 Turtles? On Jul 21, 8:43 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > >>> I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > >>> the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > > - Show quoted text - me thinks bob dylan lemme google it, beams > On Jul 21, 8:43 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 50 lines] > > lemme google it, beams Hmmm. Maybe they both did it. Can't recall now. On Jul 21, 9:02 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Jul 21, 8:43 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 54 lines] > > - Show quoted text - google it darlin missed me didn'tcha :) heh heh On Jul 21, 8:43 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > >>> I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget > >>> the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who they [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > > - Show quoted text - yeah, bob dylan. don't see no ref to turtles previous, but you tell me if i'm worng. love being wrong > On Jul 21, 8:43 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 49 lines] > yeah, bob dylan. don't see no ref to turtles previous, but you tell me > if i'm worng. love being wrong I think they BOTH covered it. Try again. And the Turtles version came out somewhere around 1965, at the time of the British Invasion (in music, that is). Speak of which... Anyone tried hot blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream? To die for. Almost orgasmic. > Speak of which... > Anyone tried hot blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream? > To die for. Almost orgasmic. Or better yet, ICE CREAM CAKE. Now THAT is to die for! > Speak of which... > Anyone tried hot blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream? > To die for. Almost orgasmic. Sub the ice cream with ice cold heavy cream and I am orgasming with ya. Well, I mean, yeah, I really, really like it. Vickie > > Speak of which... > > Anyone tried hot blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream? [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Vickie dylan did it first then turtles tho they mis did it if ya axe me oh hell. i made a from-scratch devil's food cake with buttercream frosting for the sn's 21! (wow, the baby is 21!!!) tho there is still a beloved stepson turning 21 soon! anyway, w2ith 2 freaking pounds of conf. sugar Just In the Frosting--who needs ice cream?? heh heh sniffle, sniffle a-choo > My entire in-laws and steps, excpet for stepson, can neither say "Ya > did a good job Fill" or "Ya tried the best ya could Fill." For them, > it's always in terms of what I did wrong. For me, they remain TOXIC. Sounds as if those you speak of are somewhat dysfunctional. Sorry, coping with that can be frustrating and ungratifying. > > My entire in-laws and steps, excpet for stepson, can neither say "Ya > > did a good job Fill" or "Ya tried the best ya could Fill." For them, > > it's always in terms of what I did wrong. For me, they remain TOXIC. > > Sounds as if those you speak of are somewhat dysfunctional. Sorry, > coping with that can be frustrating and ungratifying. Well, they function well as they can in the world they know. They just kinda need me to validate their world by not being like it. If I'm unlike it, I'm wrong, which validates their correctness. Example: Stepdaughter. For five years, wouldn't speak to me (except once, when she needed me to help her write an essay to get into a top notch grad school. Silly me was snowed, thinking she was accepting me, helped a lot.) Anway, wouldn't speak to me for five years--everything I did--write letters, send emails, photos, gifts, make cards (I like to scrap) was not good enuf/said wrong. So, after five years, I stop. Now, suddenly, she's sending these "joint' emials to me and her dad, and bitching that I don;t respond. So not saying/doing anything isn't good enuf either. Lose Lose!! I just don't play. Let my husband play the silly stuff. I got my own kids with their own F-ked upedness from all kinds of stuff I did wrong and their dad dying when they were young too. We all function the best we can in whatever worlds we can see. I understand their perspective, but I won't join it or support it. Make sense? >>> My entire in-laws and steps, excpet for stepson, can neither say "Ya >>> did a good job Fill" or "Ya tried the best ya could Fill." For them, [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Well, they function well as they can in the world they know. Perhaps. This may be the essence of it. > They just kinda need me to validate their world by not being like it. If > I'm > unlike it, I'm wrong, which validates their correctness. :-( > Example: Stepdaughter. For five years, wouldn't speak to me (except > once, when she needed me to help her write an essay to get into a top > notch grad school. Silly me was snowed, thinking she was accepting me, > helped a lot.) Anway, wouldn't speak to me for five years--everything > I did--write letters, send emails, photos, gifts, make cards (I like > to scrap) was not good enuf/said wrong. That's pretty sad. > So, after five years, I stop. > Now, suddenly, she's sending these "joint' emails to me and her dad, [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > We all function the best we can in whatever worlds we can see. I guess so. I'm not sure about the "best" part, but, whatever. On Jul 25, 11:09 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > >>> My entire in-laws and steps, excpet for stepson, can neither say "Ya > >>> did a good job Fill" or "Ya tried the best ya could Fill." For them, [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > > I guess so. I'm not sure about the "best" part, but, whatever. I stand humbly corrected. Many of us function to the best of our abilities at the time in whatever worlds we can. Does that work :) (Clearly, there are times in past worlds where I was not functioning the best I could, tho sadly, it was the best I was able to at that time. Shameful to think back on some of those moments) It's a new day, Bill! How are things with you? (I've rambled about me a lot lately, sorry. Just a lot of self-reflection going on. And some underlying sadness that I just can't quite pinpoint. Sometimes I wish I'd just believe in the simple black/white ways so many others do. For example, whenever I watch any war movie, I start crying. Because here I am watching the movie 300 (which I love) and I start balling because I start thinking about all the people dying in Iraq, Afg., the Sudan, Darfur, etc etc etc and how I'm just sitting around watching a movie. dear allah i am Weird. > On Jul 25, 11:09 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > I stand humbly corrected. Many of us function to the best of our > abilities at the time in whatever worlds we can. Does that work :) It is the best of our "abilities"? Or is it simply the only thing we can see, and it's just a dumb, primordial, Pavlov-like response? But perhaps the distinction is moot. (I can be pretty harshfully judgemental of myself too, so at least that's not hypocritical) > (Clearly, there are times in past worlds where I was not functioning > the best I could, tho sadly, it was the best I was able to at that > time. Shameful to think back on some of those moments) Yeah, I expect that is true for all of us. I'm not too good in the forgiveness dept, and that includes me - and the rest of the world. > It's a new day, Bill! How are things with you? (I've rambled about me > a lot lately, sorry. Don't be. > Just a lot of self-reflection going on. I know how that goes.... > And some underlying sadness that I just can't quite pinpoint. And that too. All too well. > Sometimes I wish > I'd just believe in the simple black/white ways so many others do. For [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > dear allah, i am Weird. Me too. >>> I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and forget >>> the need to tell that special someone that you have pride in who >>> they are and what they do. >> >> You use the word "natural"; I would use "unnatural" if romance still >> soaks the sheets. If opposite grains have attracted, time can easily >> turn into the rocks that separate. >> [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >>> Maybe we are led to believe we shouldn't need praise from our >>> spouse, that if we have pride in ourself, we shouldn't need to hear >>> it from our partner. >> [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > even if it's not "as good as" that person's own attempts/effots at > whatever, it recognizes your position in the world. I agree fully. Everyone just wants to be recognised/acknowledged. It's incredible how even the most vociferous ego (I've noticed this with my own) can be instantaneously quelled once recognised. > My entire in-laws and steps, excpet for stepson, can neither say "Ya > did a good job Fill" or "Ya tried the best ya could Fill." For them, > it's always in terms of what I did wrong. For me, they remain TOXIC. Perhaps there's something you could do to help? I only say this because I've often spoken about my in-laws and how it took *my* change of attitude "to change them". - Michaela > >>> I suppose it is natural to be in a long term relationship and > forget [quoted text clipped - 48 lines] > > - Michaela Well, I just about bent over backwards "doing things to help"--many members of this newsgroup were telling me to not be such a doormat, to not take that kind of #%*@, for quite some time before I decided quiet resignation would be the only strategy I could live with. You might not have joined the group when I was going thru all that. So, yeah, I guess I did change my attitude--from that of "doing whatever I could to try to connect" to "doing nothing." I don't think they need to change. They are who they are, and that they cannot accept who I am is part of who they are. While this is a relatively unusual occurence for me, of course there have been other people who don't like me for whatever reasons, and that's OK, too. It just smarts more when you want a strong extended/blended family, and you work for it, and find that you're the only one who really wants that--the others might just prefer you dead. |
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