Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2008

You are right that sometimes counselors stink, or at the very least just
don't "click" with you both.
I think it is important to find a therapist you both agree on.  I am not
sure if you can ask a couples counselor if they can meet you both seperately
first and then you and your husband can converse and decide if you feel they
fit right with both of you.  The idea is that as long as you both agree that
you are comfortable, the picked on issue might not come up.  But maybe not.
And it may mean more work initially which can make it slide down in priority
even more.

Our counselor was not well versed in the problem we were having.  Husband
was addicted to WOW (an online game) and this was kind of a new thing at the
time.
I think she did okay, probably the best should could do.  My husband is an
arrogant man and is highly intelligent in certain subjects.  The combination
makes him think he is superior in *all* things in life, and would master
which ever he chooses *if* he finds the subject engaging enough (gag), lol.
Needless to say, he felt "smarter" than the counselor so we didn't get very
far.

This may be sexist, but I think we might have done better with a male
therapist.

I can say, at least words were spoken, and not from his nagging wife.  So
although he felt superior it was an outside person looking in, listening,
seeing what *he* was making of his relationship with me and his children.
He has ears, he heard it.
I asked him to go again, about, say, 6 months ago, and he refused.
I think that the both of you agreeing to it makes you ahead of the game.
You do know that more than likely *you* will probably be the one doing the
leg work to find a therapist.  I mean, that's my guess, but it's worth it,
just to get you both talking and out together.

Vickie

At first i did not want to go to one, because i thought that
we could work things out on our own as we were smart
enough to see the problems.  But I find i have changed
my mind.  Marriage counselling can be very helpful in
pin-pointing the weak parts of a potentially good marriage
and trying to strengthen them.  I think that is what our
counsellor is trying to do.  If you want your marriage to
work and listen to constructive criticism, it may actually
save your marriage.  It's not a miracle cure of course,
because some issues depend on personality and
serious problems such as abuse, or medical problems.

A practical approach is the best and most honest i think.
I think my husband has shown good will in taking me to
one, desite my intitial strong objections.  My objections
are based on my belief that medical problems have to
solved first and were the major cause--- i stand by
that actually.

Erin

If you would like to see my history it is on display on this site. My
marriage was in the pitts and to complicate matters I had an affair to
really screw things up.  My pleas for couples counseling fell on deaf
ears, and at that point I checked out and left myself open to another
woman (my fault).  I ended the affair and told my wife about it and we
decided to both enter individual therapy to deal with our own issues.
That was painful, dealing with issues by yourself without anyone (but
the therapist) to talk to was hard.  Eventually when we felt we were
better able to deal with it we had joint consoling and as long as both
parties go into it with an open mind, it is very rewarding.

So my advice would be if you have individual issues to work on take
care of that first.  Then and only then can you really make headway in
your marriage

Many of the problems you may be facing could be just the tip of the
iceberg on what is really happening in your marriage.  I don't mean to
scare you, but many problems, when they either first show up or if
they keep reoccurring could be just what's showing from a larger
problem that neither you nor your spouse can even see.  One of the
only things you can do to help is to talk honestly and openly with
each other in the marriage.  If things become more serious, more
serious options need to be looked at as possibilities.  I have a blog
that has more information on some of what I've been writing about.  If
you feel like checking it out, I would completely suggest it.
http://online-marriagecounseling.blogspot.com/

Love is a choice that is made every day when you wake up and every
night when you go to sleep.  Some days you may not feel the original
feeling, but love isn't a feeling or emotion.  It is an action, a
verb.  Falling out of love may just mean that you need to spice things
up a little, or that you were never in love in the first place.  Don't
get out of a marriage just because you don't think you like the person
anymore.

I don't think there is a real answer to what marriage counseling is
like since counselors and couples vary so much.

Other posters have brought up good points about finding counselors.
You need to find someone that both of you can respect and who won't
make either of you feel that he or she is on the other partner's
"side."

We had two marriage counselors.  We switched from the first one
because we felt like she didn't have an overall picture or plan and
each time we walked in it was too much like starting from scratch
again.  In other respects she was good.

Both of our counselors concentrated on the following approach (to each
of us):

you (individually) are not getting what you want out of your
marriage.  What behaviors of yours can you change that will have the
result of you getting more of what you want out of your marriage?

An individual counselor could have done this to some extent, but not
as well as someone talking to both of us at once.  For example, if I
want more intimacy, the counselor could ask my wife what things I
could do which would make her feel closer to me.

Then we try them.  If it works, great. If it doesn't, we've learned
something (me, my wife, and the counselor) and we keep trying.
[Actually this was why we fired the first counselor - she didn't seem
to learn from this process when things didn't work.]