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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / August 2008My husband is still a nice person
I am willing to adopt the perspective of a crisis-- i have interesting experiences to compare this one to; he's not as bad as i believed him to be during my own emotional insecurity. Remember all you who kindly spent your time trying to help me, that not every card is on the table when you talk to someone, not only on the net but in RL as well. I believe that counsellors are at a disadvantage in this respect-- whey they do not know the history of the person. tx Erin > I am willing to adopt the perspective of a crisis-- > i have interesting experiences to compare this one [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Erin He can be nice in some respects, but not so nice in others, so it may not simply be a question of "being a nice person or not". > > I am willing to adopt the perspective of a crisis-- > > i have interesting experiences to compare this one [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > He can be nice in some respects, but not so nice in others, so it may not > simply be a question of "being a nice person or not". For sure, he has offended me, but i could have taken it easier had my personal conditions been different. Erin >> I am willing to adopt the perspective of a crisis-- >> i have interesting experiences to compare this one [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > He can be nice in some respects, but not so nice in others, so it may not > simply be a question of "being a nice person or not". And relationships depend on other things as well. That is what "The Five Love Languages" is all about. Two nice people who don't meet each other's needs won't have a satisfactory relationship. Two dominating people will quarrel. Two followers won't see the other as a leader, and both will feel let down. That is why my wife's forthcoming holiday with a friend who is even more dominating than she is, looks like an interesting experiment. We husbands are staying home to take delivery of the pieces on their return. (But I am becoming a not-so-nice person. I am tending to be derogatory of anybody. The friend and her husband were "love at first sight.") As for counsellors not knowing the history, forgiveness puts the history behind you. Solution-focused counseling doesn't even want to know the history. It deals with what you two are today. It is only today's couple that can go forward. Living in history, nursing old grievances, stops progress. Even DH's depression and bad record of not taking his medication, is important only to the extent that it may happen again. An old-style fault-type divorce application I read was a good example of "trading stamps" as one book called them. During the marriage every grievance, every disagreement, becomes a "coupon," and is put away for later use. In her divorce application, the wife cashed every one. There were things that a healthy relationship would have forgotten years ago. On the other hand, marriage therapists advise: never go to bed fighting. Settle your differences first. Then forget them, as Eleanor Roosevelt did. A book claimed that retributive punishment evens the score. It "cancels out" the crime. Couples need to do the same with "matrimonial offenses." Doug L. > >> I am willing to adopt the perspective of a crisis-- > >> i have interesting experiences to compare this one [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > > Doug L. Apologies to the group for replying, but Doug is talking to me: I think ignoring the history is aburd. Taken to extremes there may be serious crimes in the marriage that CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be swept under the carpet at most, and at least redeemed. Also, knowing the character and what he/she has gone through in details is a far more complex picture than a questionnaire guideline. Erin > I am willing to adopt the perspective of a crisis-- > i have interesting experiences to compare this one [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Erin Well, yeah, Hitler had his nice side, too. You described your husband doing a number of things that many (most?) of us would consider unconscionable, things that were sufficiently blatant that it wasn't a question of interpretation. For example, that he had (has?) a mistress who he brings to social events where you are expected to be present. Are you saying that you are clinically delusional, and that you simply made these events up? If so, why not say so and say what you are doing to become less delusional? If not, then it is your conviction that he is a "nice guy" and that his behavior is in any way excusable that is a delusion, (no doubt caused by your "emotional insecurity" which leads you to believe that any amount of abuse is better than being alone. Or something.) Either way, you're playing the same game you have been playing all along -- tell us horrific stories to get our sympathy, then insist we don't know what we're talking about when we give the obvious advice. Nothing has changed, Erin, least of all you. > > I am willing to adopt the perspective of a crisis-- > > i have interesting experiences to compare this one [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > > Nothing has changed, Erin, least of all you. Actually, he is changing. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because he was off the antidepressant for more than a year - if you want to kill someone, through suicide, that's a good way to do it. Erin In news:f513f782-2e50-4cea-8852-2515de76dec7@8g2000hse.googlegroups.com, AMM <a_m_m51@yahoo.com> mused: >> I am willing to adopt the perspective of a crisis-- >> i have interesting experiences to compare this one [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > so, why not say so and say what you are doing to > become less delusional? Why would the behavior with the other woman be unconscionable if he told Erin, in advance of his relationship with the OW, and that he reserved the right to behave exactly as he then behaved. If he did all of that, wouldn't her continuance in such a relationship be voluntary on her part? > In > news:f513f782-2e50-4cea-8852-2515de76dec7@8g2000hse.googlegroups.com, [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > all of that, wouldn't her continuance in such a relationship be > voluntary on her part? AY, the natives are grumbling on usenet-- did not thing it was possible; so i think i have had to say all i have had to say. Final words: he is getting sicker and sicker. Our health care system is overwhelmed; hopefully doctors won't keep leaving for the States. Erin In news:07cfbbb7-de85-4dfe-add9-77a5e2a8b4fd@y38g2000hsy.googlegroups.com, Erin <squiggle@sympatico.ca> mused: >> In >> news:f513f782-2e50-4cea-8852-2515de76dec7@8g2000hse.googlegroups.com, [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] > getting sicker and sicker. Our health care system is > overwhelmed; hopefully doctors won't keep leaving for the States. And none of that makes any difference wrt the point that I just made. In news:07cfbbb7-de85-4dfe-add9-77a5e2a8b4fd@y38g2000hsy.googlegroups.com, Erin <squiggle@sympatico.ca> mused: > Final words: ....... Really? |
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