Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / February 2007

    It's a big challenge.  He will start stepping outside
his comfort zone more when he has more experience to tell him
that when he does it, it's not such a huge deal (even if he
"fails").  The problem is that it becomes a chicken-and-egg
sort of problem.  The more time that goes by without him
trying something, the more he becomes entrenched in avoiding
the possibility of discomfort.
    He has to have consistent little successes.  By
"successes," I don't mean that he's fabulous at everything
he tries (which is a common misconception).  It means that
he tries things, and sometimes he does well or enjoys it
and sometimes he doesn't, but in either case he realizes
that it's not the end of the world.  He needs to learn that
he can handle discomfort.
    At the same time, kids are too smart not to realize
that all challenges are not created equal.  Some things are
more important to try, and some are less important.  Some
things you have to do whether you like them or not, and
other things just don't really matter.  You're likely to
get a lot of resistance if you just start insisting on
doing things that obviously don't really matter.  You can
have some discussions about learning to try new things,
and how you'd like to help him experiment a bit trying
things that aren't a big deal so that he can feel more
comfortable trying new things when he doesn't have a choice.
    For example, it really doesn't matter in the
grand scheme of things whether he plays a new board game
or not.  Nothing bad is going to happen in his life if
he never plays Parcheesi.  However, you can talk to him
about trying new games as a way to try something new
among friends where it doesn't matter if he's really good
at it right away.  (And watch the dynamic with big brother--
is he motivated by fear of being "less than" his bigger,
more competent brother?)  Model lots of coping with
"failure" yourself.  Does he see others in the family
try and fail, or is he surrounded by people who appear to
him to be good at everything they do?

Best wishes,
Ericka

This one is hard, but you can try some of these strategies:

Have him set a goal for himself and meet it.  Start small at first.

Make mistakes yourself and comment on them.  *Oh, dear, I added that
incorrectly. I will have to try again.*  

Set up some chores for him that you know he can succeed at.

Get him into a sport like Karate.

If he has something he is really interested in, have him research it
and become the *family expert* on the topic.  Let him teach you and
his siblings all about it.

Tell family and friends about his accomplishments when he can overhear
you, but be careful to be realistic in this.

Leave encouraging notes for him (in his lunchbox)

Model and encourage positive self-talk.  

Good things to say to your kids

  1. You really worked hard. (Be specific)
  2. We all make mistakes. (Maybe pointing out some you have made.
  3. Thanks for helping. (Be specific)
  4. I think you can be trusted to handle this!
  5. You’re right. (about....)
  6. I love you.
  7. Great try.  (point out the parts that he succeeded at too)
  8. How thoughtful. (Be specific)
  9. You figured that out.  (Be specific)
10. I have faith in you.
 

--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits