Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / November 2007

warning LOOONNGGG....much longer than I intended.

I guess I should start by telling you the family history. DH's father has
basically been a crappy father to him and his brother. Often didn't show to
pick them up..ending up drunk in a bar somewhere instead. According to the
MIL he wasn't ready to be a father (he was 18 when they were born.no I'm not
excusing it because of how young he was). When my DH was about 13 or 14 he
remarried and they eventually had a child who is now 20 and she gets
everything.

I get that he resents his father (or at least I think he does as he doesn't
talk about it much.to anyone) but he is still father and ever since a year
after we started dating (so for about 11 years now) I have made efforts for
us to visit them on a regular basis. It was always us going to visit them.
Since we have had 2 children it is much harder (financially and finding the
time) to go over and visit them. We have to take a ferry to see them but
once on the other side they live 10 minutes away from the ferry (we live 25
minutes away from it on our side).

So since we don't go over often we see them maybe twice a year at best..and
it's always us who goes to see them. Since we have lived in Victoria I can
count on one hand the number of times they have come here to see us and
their grandchildren. I had basically given up trying to coax out a
relationship between DH and his father. I have become a little resentful of
them actually..they have beautiful grandchildren.how could they NOT want to
see them)

Anywho.the other night I guess I was feeling like we should visit them over
Christmas since we will be there any way. So I called DH and said "I have to
call (step mother) and tell her what we are doing for Christmas. Can I tell
her we will stay there Christmas Eve?" he said "Ya, whatever you want". So I
tell her we will be there for dinner and will stay overnight but will have
to leave first thing Christmas morning to be back at DH's mothers house.

DH got home and I told him. He got really mad at me saying that I didn't
tell him we were staying the night. I said sorry I thought I made that
clear. He still ticked at me and thinks I did it on purpose. I told him he
was free to call and cancel the plans but of course he doesn't want to look
like the "bad guy".

Today I get a call from his mother and she says "So I hear you won't be here
for Christmas". Me: Huh? Her: (my SIL, DH's brother's wife) says you have
changed your plans. She sounded REALLY pissed off.

So now I feel like I'm getting it from both sides. I freaked out a little
and asked her not very nicely if she was pissed. And told her that they are
the kids grandparents and have every right to see them as well. I asked her
if it would make her happy if we didn't see them at all.

We both settled down in the end and she asked me not to change the plans I've
made as to not get people (DH's father and family) ticked off. She did
mention to me that it was once particular incident that made my DH and his
brother decide not to go back to their fathers.it was when they were 13ish
and neither one of them have ever talked about it to anyone (even though
their mother tried to get them to talk)

SO..(sorry this has been so long!) I'm not sure what to do. I do know that I
am NEVER making plans with DH's Fathers family again. I will leave that up
to him and if we never see them again so be it.

But what do I do now? I feel like telling DH's step mother that I have to
withdraw the plans as apparently there was a miscommunication about what was
happening over Christmas and that if she want' to try and make other
arrangements to call my DH. But should I do this or just leave it for
now..or tell her we will be there for lunch on Christmas eve but have to
leave to be at DHs mom's for dinner. I hate to do this to her (step mother)
as she is sooooo excited about having the grandchildren on Christmas
morning.

This is stressing me out and I don't normally stress out easily. I feel like
I've pissed everyone off.