 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / November 2007In-Laws and Step daughters
After four years of extending invitations to my in-laws (4 sisters-in- law + mom and pop in-law, and I'm the second wife), I've stopped. During this time, virtually none were even responded to! My mid- twenty-ish 2 stepdaughters, who jealously tried to dismantle our marriage through gossip and victimization, have made it impossible for forward progress. For these same 4 years, my stepdaughters have made it perfectly clear that they'd not go to any family gatherings if I was present. So I leave my home at Xmas and Easter so that they will come visit their dad (who is supportive of me, but he's in a tight spot here), and I don't go to the in-laws for large gatherings (so that the stepkids- grandchildren-nieces will go). I am feeling overwhlemed by all this. Is there anyone out there who has gone thru these things? I tried playing the ever-so-kind doormat for the first three years, but since then I've withdrawn. The only reaction has been futher hostility toward me. I can't seem to do ANYTHING right and I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of. My husband and I have gone to counselors, both before and during our marriage, to try to sort this out. Every plan has no success b/c no one is trying but us. Is it OK to just stop??? > After four years of extending invitations to my in-laws (4 sisters-in- > law + mom and pop in-law, and I'm the second wife), I've stopped. [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > try to sort this out. Every plan has no success b/c no one is trying > but us. Is it OK to just stop??? What a hurtful experience for you. I am amazed you have been so patient with them for so long. I have no experience with this type of situation but my thoughts are thus: If all concerned are adults then I don't feel that you should be the one making all the moves or all the concessions. At some point the extended family have to learn that this marriage is reality and that if they can't grow up and act civilly then they need to understand that they won't be included in your activities. You shouldn't feel that, after four years, you need to keep inviting these ingrates. However, you withdrawing from everything just gives them what they want. They want you to disappear - and you have! As far as your husband and his daughters go - it is not fair that you are the one who has to leave every time they come for a visit. This is your home too. He needs to arrange a more neutral place to meet with them and explain that if they want to visit his and your home they can't dictate the terms. He needs to set boundaries that don't justify their snotty behaviour. Your husband needs to decide how to handle/approach his family so that it is made clear that you are part of the family and that he expects you to be included from now on. Yes, it's a tight spot but he needs to be strong enough to make an ultimatum and stick by it. Don't you think that all his family have made their demands knowing he's a softy who will do whatever they have demanded? He needs to stand up and stay supportive of his marriage. The other thing he can do is approach his mum or dad (whoever holds the most family power) and talk to them about how he needs to have you included in future family events and get their support. Maybe start by attending smaller events and have them get to know you better, basically dealing with individuals rather than the entire pack. If they see that he's dead serious and that he won't be there without you in the future they will need to soften their stance. However, it is likely that these visits will be uncomfortable. You need to stop being the doormat and just try to be you. To be honest I wonder that if your DH just put his foot down whether they would give in. No-one else in the family needs to try atm because they are getting what they want. He needs to make it clear that you and he are a done deal. All this pussy-footing around for four years has done is make them think that he doesn't care enough for you because he keeps putting the rest of the family before you. Good luck with it. Liz > > After four years of extending invitations to my in-laws (4 sisters-in- > > law + mom and pop in-law, and I'm the second wife), I've stopped. [quoted text clipped - 64 lines] > > Liz Hi, and thanks for the advice, staycalm. Well, we did start by trying the "smaller group to get to know each other"--that was the years of extending invitations to sister-in-laws (+ husbands). It wasn't that I minded the few "I can't make that" but that, overwhelmingly, there was just an ignoring of our invitation--no response at all. Over and over and over. So, while that would ideally work (and this was one tactic we did come up with thru counselling), it won't with this closed group. My husband's mom stopped over yesterday. She has a litany of things we did wrong. First, we announced our marriage at the wrong time. Second, after deciding to elope so we could actually have a "happy wedding day" away from these nasty family dynamics, we "should not have eloped." (Here, I asked her--what would have been right? Inviting a bunch of people to a civil ceremony so they could talk about how I should be a Catholic and their son/brother/dad is going to hell now instead? Inviting a bunch of people who outspokenly objected to our marriage to our wedding? Why would we do that????) Third, I didn't go to my husband's daughter's wedding--only because she had made it clear that she did not want me our my children (also twenty- something, but males) there; and, too, I was very clear with telling the daughter I wanted her to have the best day of her life and would not go in honor of her wishes. The daughter never objected! The list went on and on. It was ridiculous! It was all target at ME-- tho my husband did interrupt several times to try to show how crazy it is. Anyway, I was listening to all this and wondering why it was going on and then, click! She's worried about her son not coming to Xmas--she doesn't care if I'm there or not, but her son better be. And he will be. Yes, maybe he's a little soft, but his folks are old, in their 80s. He's a good man, good son and good father. He feels a duty to be there, and I feel a duty to keep our home open to his children, as much as they dislike me, so some type of relationship can continue. I just cannot put him in the position of "having to choose"--not b/c he'd choose them, but b/c he'd choose me, and he'd be sad about the loss of this very limited time they all spend together. So, what it comes down to, is me. I have to somehow Give Up the Fight. You know, fight or flight, and I am having to fly, keep away from these dynamics. They bring me down! Why is it so hard? Because, 1, most people like me (I teach college, and kids the age of his daughters when I met them tend to respond favorably to me), and 2, like most women I want everyone to get a long. But NOT at the cost of me being mistreated. So how do I reconcile this? Thanks for your thoughtful response earlier. I hope to hear what you and others think. > Hi, and thanks for the advice, staycalm. Well, we did start by trying > the "smaller group to get to know each other"--that was the years of [quoted text clipped - 45 lines] > Thanks for your thoughtful response earlier. I hope to hear what you > and others think. Yikes, your husband's family are certainly stubborn about their convictions. Some more thoughts: Issuing invitations is something you can keep doing if you want. I don't think it does any harm either way. The main thing is to know that there is a good chance it won't be acknowledged, let alone accepted. However, it is a really positive move so long as you know in your own mind that you are doing the right thing. You are taking the high ground and have nothing to be ashamed of. My BIL is this for us. DH and his brother have never had a great relationship but I keep inviting them and sending their children presents. To be honest I am quite happy we don't see them. You can probably tell yourself the same thing. My first response to your MIL's gripes about the wedding - it's been four years - let it go already! My feelings here are that you should stop allowing yourself to be drawn in to discussions and post-mortems about the past. Stop letting them bring it up. Each time it's mentioned make a polite comment about it being a long time ago and it can't be changed. You did the right thing not going to his daughter's wedding if she made it clear. That was not the occasion to make a stand. I think that here you also need to have a stock statement to roll off if it is brought up. Something like "This was x's wedding and I was not comfortable attending if she did not wish me to be there". Now, I find it really strange that MIL was attacking you about things that BOTH of you probably decided (unless you have railroaded your DH in the past) and that you see that it's really about whether DH is going to be with them at Christmas. The short point I would like to make is this: she has criticised you and has then been rewarded with him acknowledging (either openly or to you) that he will be there at Christmas. Negative behaviour has been rewarded. I really think this is the crux of your problems with the family. For four years these people have been getting exactly what they wanted from the two of you by being rude, selfish and inconsiderate. I can understand he is worried about his parents being elderly (mine are also) but for him to have any sort of peace between you and his family he needs to see what his enabling behaviour is doing. By letting his mother attack you verbally he has let her and the rest of the family know that their needs come before yours. Do they really think that you and he don't want to be together at Christmas and other special occasions? Also, what do you think will happen if he says (for example) that this Christmas he will be with you at your home and they are all welcome to drop by but he'll come and visit them on Boxing Day? Do you both think that unless he does what they want they will cut all ties? If so, that's not the relationship I would like with my family. It would be so toxic and uncomfortable to all concerned. I just think he needs to decide with you which occasions are for the two of you and other supportive/positive members of your families, and then let the rest of the family know the terms. If they love him and appreciate such "a good man, good son and good father" then they must finally recognise that he is being affected negatively by all this. To make a stand now must show them how much it means to him. Unless it doesn't and he can talk about it but is not prepared to support you over his emotionally manipulative family. You talk about how "he'd be sad about the loss of this very limited time they all spend together". Do you reallly think it's so great? It can't be much fun for him when you aren't there. What worries me the most about all this is that unless HE does something the situation will just keep on for your whole relationship together. Can you really both keep doing this for years? I would think it wouldn't be good for your relationship together. I know I would not have put up with it for so long. I have two difficult family members (my brother and his brother). It took time and maturity but we have worked out ways for us to keep having totally positive relationships with the rest of our families but have not completely closed the lines of communication between us and the brothers. Too much contact and it would be quite toxic for us. A little contact is enough. It's been awfully shaky at times but I think that if you have a firm, reasonable stance about what your boundaries are, then it's clear to everyone else and they need to accept it. Just to conclude - work out, you and DH, what the two of you want together. I think it's worth some short-term anxiety if it will improve the family situation. If you and DH present a totally united front then it is up to them to deal with it. I think they've had enough power over your marriage. Good luck Liz >> Hi, and thanks for the advice, staycalm. Well, we did start by trying >> the "smaller group to get to know each other"--that was the years of [quoted text clipped - 127 lines] > Good luck > Liz ditto everything staycalm said. wise woman!! good luck simple simon, and change your real email out of your news sender thingy too?? chris > >> Hi, and thanks for the advice, staycalm. Well, we did start by trying > >> the "smaller group to get to know each other"--that was the years of [quoted text clipped - 134 lines] > > chris How do I change my real name out of the news sender, and what is that? thanks, simple >How do I change my real name out of the news sender, and what is that? > >thanks, simple You are posting through google and they require a real email addy, but you do not have to use your names in it. I think gmail can give you several accounts. For your newsgroups, you should use a pseudonym and use it only for news. Then you will be able to sort out any spam or threats because they will not go to your main email addy. Of course, it is even better not to use google, but to use a service that allows you to munge your addy in various ways. Your ISP may have a news service and allow that. Or you can get a pay service like easynews. My email addy is not real so if anyone emails me it bounces. I give out my *real* email to some people, but not to the group in general. -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits >> How do I change my real name out of the news sender, and what is >> that? [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > you do not have to use your names in it. I think gmail can give you > several accounts. Oh yes, plenty :-). I have several :-D. I'm not sure if Gmail is still invitation only, but if it is, you can just send an invite to yourself, no problem whatsoever.  SignatureMo (she with many Gmail accounts LOL) On Nov 26, 4:34 pm, "Mo" <send dot mail dot to dot m...@gmail.com> wrote: > >> How do I change my real name out of the news sender, and what is > >> that? [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > -- > Mo (she with many Gmail accounts LOL) Thanks! I'll do that. It seems kind of weird tho...making up an identity. :) > On Nov 26, 4:34 pm, "Mo" <send dot mail dot to dot m...@gmail.com> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > Thanks! I'll do that. It seems kind of weird tho...making up an > identity. :) You're welcome. I think the main reason why people munge their email addresses and use alternative nick names is to protect themselves from unwanted contacts, whether that be spam or people actually harrassing them. Since munging the email addy through Google Groups apparently isn't possible, it would indeed be a good idea to use an alternative addy to post. Any spam and other unwanted stuff will then go to the alternative addy and not bother you at your 'real' email address. As far as choosing another identity is concerned: it all depends on to what extent you would want to be recognised by someone IRL (= In Real Life). If you always use the email addy you are posting under now, any person that knows you IRL could find you here and read your posts. In your particular case, I doubt you'd want the in-laws and step daughters to trace back your posts to you, do you ;-)? Take me, I'm from the Netherlands and IRL I have a first name that is /very/ rare for this country. My last name is not very common either (in a population of nearly 17m, there are just a few hundred people with the same last name). AFAIK I am the only person in the world with my first name - last name combination. Posting under my full real name would - to me - be as much as handing out directions to my house LOL. There are many weirdos online, you certainly don't want them knocking on your doorstep ;-). It's all about balancing privacy and the very public place that this news group is. You can still post as Simplesimon, but, for your own safety, just do so by using an alternative email address. SignatureMo >After four years of extending invitations to my in-laws (4 sisters-in- >law + mom and pop in-law, and I'm the second wife), I've stopped. [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] >try to sort this out. Every plan has no success b/c no one is trying >but us. Is it OK to just stop??? Yes. You stop, and hubby can visit *them* (don't you ever leave your own home again) with your support. If you *want* to visit some part of that family, do so. If they show, be civil but don't go out of your way about them. If they don't show, don't mention them or let it bother you (it wuld be their decision). Banty |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2009 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.