Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / July 2008

ok, lots of people don't spell very well, but if you reread
what you write, you may catch your errors.
anyway, on moving back... do you have to move back to the
same town, or would just being somewhat close work out for
you?
also, since you have been away & are coming back, now would
be an ideal time to set the new ground rules for Nana. since
you are sick & tired of your mother in law running your
family, you need to sit down with hubby before you move back
and set some rules you both can stick with. since neither one
of you has a spine you really need to support each other when
she's around. but the important thing is *both of you* have to
agree on what is acceptable & what is not.
a 16 month old does not need either a swimming pool (unless
it's a little inflatable cheapie pool) or a bicycle. ask her
to return those items & get the poor kid something age
appropriate. it's not doing him any favors giving him things
he can't use. seriously, where is Nana's brain when she buys
this stuff? tell her that gifts are only allowed on birthdays
& holidays (pick one or two holidays, not everything that can
possibly be taken as one. no gifts for Armistace day, or Labor
Day, for example). limit gifts on those occaisions to no more
than 2, or set a dollar amount. if she gives gifts on non-gift
days, refuse it. if she won't take it back, donate it (really
make sure your husband is going to go along with this before
you do it. it could cause a huge rift otherwise), or donate an
older toy/outfit for every new one she gives him. your son is
at an age where you can easily impress on him the value of
charity & donating excess clothing or toys (i've had to do
this. having an only child can be a little tricky when he's
also the only grandchild, & nephew). the other advantage of
old out when new comes in is that if you don't, you *will* be
buried in clutter in very short order (and i bet she then
starts in on your housekeeping...)
BTW, i live in a smallish town, & it *is* hard because there
are no kids within miles for my kid to play with, but my town
isn't all drugs & stuff either.

lee

Then why don't you?  I have no idea where you're located, but I also know
there's no such thing as "grandparents' rights".  Grandparents here have no
"rights" and no, a grandparent cannot just take a grandchild whenever,
wherever.  They especially have no rights over a parents' - I've even heard
of grandparents trying to get custody of a child after a single parent has
passed away.  The other parent never showed face until the other died - then
the grandparents of the single parent tried hard to get custody of the child
and lost to the other parent that was never even in the child's life - and
this child was old enough to know who was and wasn't in their life.

N is a real mama's boy, although he won't admit it or ever see it.  I also
know he follows.  Basically, someone will say jump, and if he's out to try
and impress that person, he'll jump, but only after asking how high.  *I*
have set the ground rules as far as how HIS side of the family goes.  DD1's
first Christmas - she was not quite 5 months old at the time - BIL gave all
the children a $20 bill instead of an actual gift.  Every child, that is,
except DS.  He offered $20 for DD1, but left DS out, so I told him to keep
his money, he's not giving one child something and not the other, and the
other being the one that was nearly 5 and old enough to know the difference
and care.
*I've* been the one to put my foot down with MIL.  She went out and got some
car seat with the idea that she was going to take DD1 on her school bus in
the morning because she could (this is the bus rules, you can take a child
in a proper seat on a school bus run, and DS was in school at this time) and
I simply told her no.  No debating.
MIL told me to stop nursing DD1 (basically right from the start) so she
could keep the kids and give DD1 a bottle.  I told her no, for so many
reasons, but the one I made as the biggest reason was that one reason I
choose to breastfeed my children is it's free and we really can't afford
formula (to which she replied give the baby homo milk and brown sugar)  I
said no and end of discussion.
I've also had to be the one to tell MIL she is not to discipline my
children.  She's not to send them to a corner, spank them, yell at them,
nothing.  These are *my* children, not hers, and if she wants to tell me how
to deal with or raise my children, she can go and have some more of her own.
I've also told N that I will not take any garbage with MIL.  He knows our
parenting style, and it's something we agree on.  I have outwardly told him
that either he will say something to his mother or I will.  And I do, and he
knows I will.  He also will stand behind me 100% if I say something
regarding the kids - and this goes for both his side AND my side.  We've
made that clear and there's no discussion on that.
This is YOUR child, not your MIL's.  You set the rules, and if you don't,
that's just asking for trouble.  Start the rules now or soon it will be too
late.

Well, there are many places not like that - you can move to many other places
than there, or where your MIL lives.  Don't set up a false dilemma for yourself;
there's more than two places in the world.

Is your family and MIL in the same town?  Can you live somewhere close enough to
your family and far enough from MIL to at least keep dealing with her from being
a daily or even weekly affair?  Possibly, you'll need to make a tradeoff between
sanity and being really proximal to your family.  At least you need to recognize
that it's a tradeoff.

There are lots of little ways to stand up to family, but its very effective to
have some distance - that in itself solves certain problems.

Banty