Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / September 2008

Hello Members,

Not looking for sympathy, not looking for replies, not looking for
forgiveness. I don't even want to come back and read this thread.

Just wanted to tell you that that I've been a Grade AAA a.shole, and I
wanted to apologize for making your lives miserable. A lot of my anger
was from jealousy for the love you have for your relatives.

My father is alive at least 3 months past his death date. He is
wasting away with lung cancer and mesothelioma. During the 60's he
used to cool welded parts in bins of asbestos fibers surrounded by
asbestos curtains.  Decades of smoking haven't helped.

He's dying a slow, agonizing and painful death. At times I was not
unhappy about his fate. In my opinion he has gotten back tenfold all
the abuse he dished out to me and others. Enough is enough - the guy
has suffered a lot, he's a shell of himself, and the only person who
he will allow to take care of him is my Mother. She's going through
her own hell.

He won't talk to me or my sibling. Hasn't for years. Decades for his
sister. I tried to reach out for 30 seconds on Good Friday. He refused
to speak to me, telling me I "always was nothing but a god damned pain
in the a.s."

He's got a "personality disorder." I now believe he can't help it, and
there may be a part of him that actually does not want to be that way.
He's my Anakin Skywalker. (I don't think I have a personality
disorder, I'm just a douche bag.)

On a personal note, I have a severe back condition that needs surgery.
It's messed up bad, I saw the MRI. I have been in severe pain since
early May. I am very tempted to go to Home Depot, rent tools and
operate on myself.

If you can walk to the end of a parking lot and sh.t without effort
you are a lot more blessed than me.   :)

Almost 2 weeks ago my leg on the "bad side" swelled up. I got a blood
clot. That became a pulmonary embolism. I was told I had a 50/50
chance of survival. I'm home, after an extensive hospital stay. I'm
still not out of the woods and I have a strange, mysterious pain in my
lower right side. I sincerely believe I might die any day.

My wife has insurance, but if they get hinkey on us, I'll have to file
for bankruptcy. It's money and when you ain't really got nothin' you
don't have much to loose.

I'm on blood thinners now and that might remain for the rest of my
life. The medicine is a form of rat poison.

So I am kind of sorry I was an a.shole. I'm very sorry that I brought
pain and sadness into the lives of others. I was sick and f*cked up,
but that is not a good excuse in my book. I can't promise I'll never
be an a.shole again, but I prefer not to travel that path.

I believe in a Christian Religion and that I will go to Heaven,
because Jesus died for the sins of all men. I might have to spend
10,000 years in Purgatory, but if I go there, it's what I deserve.

While I have been sick, a neighbor was nice to me and said we are
supposed to do good things for each other.

If I can make a request, PLEASE BE NICE TO THE PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY.
Don't talk sh.t to each other. Don't swear at other people, don't
threaten them.

DON'T HIT OTHER PEOPLE. It ain't fun getting the crap beaten out of
you and to live in fear.

I don't know if I will come back here. It's like looking in a Port-a-
potty, you know it will be an unpleasant sight but you're still driven
to take a peek. Discuss this in your Sanctuary.

I'm firmly convinced there is karma. I also believe God takes care of
things in his way, in his time.

Thanks for reading this far. I don't want or deserve any
congratulations on my insight.

Be nice to each other.

Thank God or whomever, every day for 10 things.

Peace to you all. Hopefully the love we make will be equal to the love
we take.

LaTreen Washington