Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / November 2004

Yeah, but I'd put that in the mentally unstable category.

Nan

She's unlikely to respond to this because she won't be back till the
11th of December, but I can certainly answer for myself.

These are my opinions, and only my opinions. They are directly from my
experience as a father to two children, a son and a daughter.

I have no idea how Dorothy will answer this, I only speak for myself.

I do not believe physical punishment in the form of pain is necessary
to get a child to respect you.  The more aggression you show to a
child, the less they respect you, and the more they fear you...fear is
not a prerequisite for a child to obey, and neither is pain.  Although
both can be an effective deterrent for a child to listen, there are
other manners of teaching a child that can help the relationship
between them and their parents. They can also further that child to
have more confidence in themselves as they progress through life.

I have never 'smacked' my kids, I have never spanked them for any
reason whatsoever. And they are two of the most polite kids I have
ever had the pleasure of knowing. They are my friends as well as my
children, and they obey me without question.

I *have* 'swatted' them lightly on the bottom to correct them and get
their attention...but only when they were very young. When they both
turned 5 and 8, that ended because it was unnecessary.

IMO, the number one rule, *never* administer punishment when you are
angry, and *always* make sure that the child understands the reasons
behind the punishment. And never let the anger linger in your attitude
towards the child...they must understand that regardless of their
mistake and your corrections...you will always love them.

Listen to their side of the story...parents can misunderstand just as
much as the next person...and it might shed light as to the reasons
why  the child misbehaved in the first place and how to prevent a
particular situation from repeating before it even starts.

Correcting a child in the form of a smack on the bottom when they're
toddlers and acting up...can go a long way towards giving a child the
respect they crave...and allowing them to eventually return it right
back to you.

Beating a child can be considered pretty much losing control out of
anger...and taking a punishment too far.  The child won't learn
respect, they'll learn to fear you.

Where a child is concerned...there's a *big* difference between the
two.
--
X

You hit a newborn?

How old are your children?

Do you really think that hitting (which is being mean
to them) will teach them not to be mean to others?

What do you think they will do when they believe they
will not be caught?

ImNsho, punishment is unnecessary *and* insufficient.
Positive Parenting works better and makes for a much
better family atmosphere.  It *is* hard work because
most of us were raised with behavioristic solutions
including external rewards and punishment, but on the
whole, it produces self-disciplined people rather than
people who rely on *authority* to know what to do.

Here is a brief summary of positive parenting for you to
ponder.  It's not a prescription.  Take only what you feel
resonates well with you and *do* think about adding
things to it as you learn.  The thing is that positive
parenting is mainly about a change of attitude toward
our children and not so much with techniques to control
their behavior.

****************************************************************

Positive Parenting Methods

First and foremost, model the behavior you want
your child to emulate.  Children learn what they
live.  Teach by example, not words.

Second, assume your child is good even when she
misbehaves. Understand that her actions have an
underlying developmental reason.

Third, state your rules and requests in positive
ways, not negative ones.  Redirect him to things
he can do rather than trying to keep him away
from things without alternatives.

Fourth, explain.  Make sure you have her
attention.  You may need to go closer to her,
to touch her shoulder, to look directly in
her eyes.  

Fifth, always try to look for the underlying
cause of the behavior and address that so that
the need is actually met in acceptable ways.
Give him choices between many things that are
acceptable to you

Sixth, give her warnings of transitions so that
they become easier to manage.  Children, like
adults, need to complete activities they are
absorbed in.  

Seventh, allow for time-outs when your emotions
or his are out of control. Time-outs can be used
non-punitively to allow both the adult and child
to regain control of their emotions.  Teach
him to count to 10, to breathe, to walk away by
modelling the techniques you use to manage your
anger.

Eighth, say what you mean and mean what you say.  
Don't give a lot of warnings, give one and then
act.   Give her time to comply, but follow
through.

Ninth, plan for situations before they arise.  
Try to stay calm yourself. Allow him to vent his
feelings and accept them.

Tenth, as your child grows, involve her in making
the rules and choosing the consequences for
breaking them  Brainstorm and problem solve with
her.

Eleventh, make amends when you make a mistake.  
Apologize to your child when you have made a
mistake.  Accept his apologies gracefully as
well.

Twelfth, give your child responsibility for
real tasks that help make your family work,
keeping the chores within her developmental
stage and allowing her input into what the
chores should be and when to do them.  

Children should experience the *natural
consequences* of their actions, since that is
how they learn.  But making up logical
consequences to substitute for natural ones
often becomes a problem.

Still Cline and Fay are worthwhile to read
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

This site has even better ideas, imho.
http://www.naturalchild.org/
or these
http://www.empathicparenting.org/
http://www.flyingboy.com/relationships-parenting.htm
or this one for teachers
http://www.marvinmarshall.com/

Some good resource books are:
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids
Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

By the same authors,
Their older book is currently in reprint and
shows the process that families go through when
they are changing their style. It's called
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children. They have
also written in detail about siblings in a book
called Siblings Without Rivalry.

For a Christian approach, you may want to read:
You Can Have A Family Where Everybody Wins
by Rev. Earl Gaulke.

A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, MD and
others is a good book on the brain research
behind our emotions and why they are important
especially for children.

This post is copywrited by me and appears on
Ghostwolf's Insights page on his web site.  
Please feel free to use, it by I would appreciate
my name staying with it if you do use it.

For those interested in the topic of sexual
abuse of children, please read Wolf's web site
and Silenced Child's web site.

http://www.nemasys.com/ghostwolf/
http://www.angelfire.com/zine/silencedchild/index.html

--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits