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Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / January 2005Just need to rant (x-post)
Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel miserable, but at this point it is hard to tell whether that is due to nerves or pregnancy. The only clue I had with the last m/c was the disappearing of morningsickness, so I am scared out of my wits. Even too scared to call my doctor for an extra test, as I'm terrified she will tell me it's not good. At least I can still hope for the best as long as I don't know otherwise. My next scheduled visit is thursday 27th. Of course, there are good signs, but when I feel like today, the bad ones dominate my mind and thinking, and I can hardly function. I am *so* fed up with this, I wish I could just switch my brain off. Or even better, have a little window so I can check on the twins myself. This pregnancy just feels so different in every way, that I don't know what to believe and what not. I try to believe in these two bubs, I know they can do it, but the "what if...." won't leave me alone. At some point I have to get over this and get on with life, enjoy things, be happy. At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*(  Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) > At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to > give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*( Well heres a cyber one to keep you going {{{{{{{{{{{{{Ilse}}}}}}}}}}}}} I wish I could find some magically constructive words to help you feel better. Im glad your parents are arriving tomorrow. Sarah > Well heres a cyber one to keep you going > {{{{{{{{{{{{{Ilse}}}}}}}}}}}}} > I wish I could find some magically constructive words to help you feel > better. Im glad your parents are arriving tomorrow. Thanks Sarah, those cyberhugs do work! Writing about this here and on a Dutch group made me realize why I am so miserable: I feel like I am letting my two bubs down when I am so scared. I want to believe in them, but I cannot always do that. They deserve my unconditional love and support, but right now I have a hard time giving that. Acknowledging this made me feel better instantly, although no less scared. Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) > Thanks Sarah, those cyberhugs do work! Writing about this here and on a > Dutch group made me realize why I am so miserable: I feel like I am > letting my two bubs down when I am so scared. I want to believe in them, > but I cannot always do that. They deserve my unconditional love and > support, but right now I have a hard time giving that. Acknowledging this > made me feel better instantly, although no less scared. Ilse, please now that every mother-to-be I have known is scared when she gets to the middle-of-the-night private thoughts even thought she may seem happy and confident. The "what ifs" don't go away till the babies are safely in your arms. That doesn't mean that the fears are rational or reasonable, just pervasive. Mothers are afraid of everything--miscarriage, retardation, physical handicaps, stillbirth, birthmarks,hard labors--you name it and many fear it. Sometimes you just have to cross your fingers and hope for the best because the one secret I can share with you is that fear doesn't help at all. Practice being in love with those babies and having positive images of the future. Oh, and get all the sleep you can now. ;-) gloria p >Thanks Sarah, those cyberhugs do work! Writing about this here and on a >Dutch group made me realize why I am so miserable: I feel like I am >letting my two bubs down when I am so scared. I want to believe in them, >but I cannot always do that. They deserve my unconditional love and >support, but right now I have a hard time giving that. Acknowledging this >made me feel better instantly, although no less scared. {{{{{Ilse}}}}} It's very hard to let go and just enjoy your pregnancy when you've been through the mill, as you have. I'm glad your parents are coming to visit you :-) Nan > Thanks Sarah, those cyberhugs do work! Writing about this here and on a > Dutch group made me realize why I am so miserable: I feel like I am > letting my two bubs down when I am so scared. I want to believe in them, > but I cannot always do that. They deserve my unconditional love and > support, but right now I have a hard time giving that. Acknowledging this > made me feel better instantly, although no less scared. You have every right to be scared, just like you have every right to be thrilled. Don't forget your hormones are going *bonkers* right now :-). You can do it, and they can do it. Your whole family has people all over the world pulling for you. We all believe in YOU! HUGS Ilse, I miscarried my first child. My heart shattered in a million pieces and I didn't know what to do. Then when I was allowed to get pregnant again we suceeded, and for the next 14 weeks I was like you, scared and listening to hte what ifs. It didn't matter what ANYONE said I was scared. ANd really it didn't go away until I felt son's first kicks. Then it was real and a whole lot less scary. WEll at least until I realized I was about to be a mother for the first time and went "whoa can I be a good enough mom for my child" lol. but the fear was very different. I am praying for you as is my family. I hope that you have peace soon :) Caroline > > Thanks Sarah, those cyberhugs do work! Writing about this here and on a > > Dutch group made me realize why I am so miserable: I feel like I am > > letting my two bubs down when I am so scared. I want to believe in them, > > but I cannot always do that. They deserve my unconditional love and > > support, but right now I have a hard time giving that. Acknowledging this > > made me feel better instantly, although no less scared. > WEll at least until I realized I was about to be a mother for the first > time and went "whoa can I be a good enough mom for my child" lol. but > the fear was very different. Thanks Caroline. I know this fear is perfectly normal, but it does help me to hear it over and over again. And the fear of being a good mom hits you the second time as well. I've already seriously wondered whether I will ever be able to care for two babes at the same time, and what will happen with DS... It's part of the deal, I guess ;-) Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) with the amount of love you have, you will be an awesome mom. And DS will have a wonderful mom and awesome baby bros or sis to share his love with :) Caroline > Thanks Caroline. I know this fear is perfectly normal, but it does help me > to hear it over and over again. And the fear of being a good mom hits you > the second time as well. I've already seriously wondered whether I will > ever be able to care for two babes at the same time, and what will happen > with DS... It's part of the deal, I guess ;-) >> Well heres a cyber one to keep you going >> {{{{{{{{{{{{{Ilse}}}}}}}}}}}}} [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > support, but right now I have a hard time giving that. Acknowledging this > made me feel better instantly, although no less scared. whatever happens Ilse, dont you dare think that you hvae let the twins down in any way. Who wouldnt be scared, we are all scared with you. Sending you healthy healthy healthy vibes for the bubs.. christine >Acknowledging this made me feel better instantly, >though no less scared. It's ok to be scared, Ilse. You have a lot of rational things to base that fear on. But we here will keep up the support for you. -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits > Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been > clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to > give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*( *hugs* Ilse. I was goin to ask if you had thought of names as of yet or if it was too soon yet..how far along are you? Tori SignatureBonnie 3/20/02 Xavier 10/27/04 > *hugs* Ilse. I was goin to ask if you had thought of names as of yet or if > it was too soon yet..how far along are you? I'm 8 weeks today, and yes, I've been thinking of names. One has been standing out strong as soon as I knew I was pregnant. I have another, and both are girl names. Boy names have always been problematic for us, so for the time being, I'll just assume they are girls ;-) Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) >> *hugs* Ilse. I was goin to ask if you had thought of names as of yet or >> if [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > both are girl names. Boy names have always been problematic for us, so for > the time being, I'll just assume they are girls ;-) DH and I have the same problem. Girls names are easy but for boys names I like traditional ones or Biblical ones so the Names I like Henry, Ezekiel, Gabriel he is not fond of and his name he likes for a boy is Jon Wayne after his 2 best friends and I said no way to that. I almost changed Xaviers name to Adam near the end but DH did not like it. Tori SignatureBonnie 3/20/02 Xavier 10/27/04 > At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to > give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*( > > -- Ilse... (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Anni > Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been > clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > -- > -- I I thought of something... just a thought. Can you journal. Write to them or write in a way so you can feel more a connection to this pregnancy and lesson some of your fears. Tell the fears to go away. I'm tooling around with this idea but the point is to let it out and sometimes writing can let it out and give you a way of coping better? (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) another hug for you! Anni > I thought of something... just a thought. Can you journal. I've been playing with that thought a while, maybe I should just go ahead with it. Writing always has a positive effect on my mood, and if it benefits me in any other way, that's even better. Thanks for the idea Anni! Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) >> I thought of something... just a thought. Can you journal. > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Thanks for the idea Anni! Sorry to hijack this post but Ilse, I did journaling with Z. From the minute I found out I was preggers til even now that he is almost 2 (on monday) I plan on writing in it all through his life and giving it to him maybe when he becomes a parent. It really helped me through the rough times.... We are all pulling for you. Signature~Froggy~ "No one can belittle you without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt~ > -- I > mommy to DS (July '02) > mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) > preggers with twins EDD August'05 > guardian of DH (33) > At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to > give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*( I'm glad that your mum will be there to give you hugs. You know that if I could be there to give them to you, I would! You are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, Ilse. Hang in there, hun. ((((Ilse)))) -Kara. > At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to > give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*( (((((Ilse))))) I hated that I had a week with no morning sickness with Tyler, i was SURE it meant things had gone wrong given my previous history Hang in there chick those wee babes are under orders to stick stick stick > I had a week with no morning sickness with Tyler, i was SURE it meant > things had gone wrong given my previous history I'm so glad to hear this happens! My other symptoms seem to be even stronger than ever, which also gives me a little peace of mind. I can hardly standup straight, my abdomen is so tight. This is exactly what I had with DS around 8 weeks, but I never felt it with any of the m/c's. It's just that the bad things seem to weigh so much more... Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) HUGS to you... That's all I can offer. :( | Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been | clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] | At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to | give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*( > HUGS to you... That's all I can offer. :( They are all I needed for today :) Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) > At some point I have to get over >this and get on with life, enjoy things, be happy. sweetie... even in normal pregnancies, this happens at the end, when you hold the wee babe in your arm.. in your case babes... {{HUG}} tell your mum to give you all our hugs to you... Michelle (((Ilse))) I know it's hard but you have to stay positive - see your belly swell and feel those babies move :o)) - I know the three of you can get thru it Kate Mommy to DH, an ickle angel 16 Dec 96 and a holy terror 31 Oct 97 > tell your mum to give you all our hugs to you... O she will, she will... Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) More hugs from Holland, to tie you over until your parents get there!!! Sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. Big hugs to you and I hope you have a lovely visit with your parents. Lynn > Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been > clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > preggers with twins EDD August'05 > guardian of DH (33) ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ilse))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that you can have some calmness and reassurance that everything is OK. hugs Amanda -- DD 15th August 2002 1 tiny angel Nov 2003 DS 20th August 2004 > Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been > clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > me it's not good. At least I can still hope for the best as long as I > don't know otherwise. My next scheduled visit is thursday 27th. Ilse, get the test as soon as possible, please. Else you'll be driving yourself and all those around you NUTS! Signature-Barb, <www.jamlady.eboard.com> Trip Report and pics added 1-13-05 "I read recipes the way I read science fiction: I get to the end and say,'Well, that's not going to happen.'" - Comedian Rita Rudner, performance at New York, New York, January 10, 2005. > Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been > clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to > give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*( (((((((((((ilse))))))))))). i know what you mean about that window. i understand how you are feeling - one part of you wants to be excited, but the other part is just so damn scared. it's hard to shut the brain off when you have those hormones racing around. just concentrate on getting to tomorrow as relaxed as you can & your mum will give you that big hug & everything won't seem quite as scary. Signatureelizabeth (in australia) DS 20th August 2002 "In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain." -- Pliny the Elder (23 AD - 79 AD) >Today is not my day ((((((((((((((((((Ilse))))))))))))))))))))) Lots of sticky vibes coming your way. I believe in your twin bubs. They are strong and growing. -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits *hugs hugs hugs* Call your doctor, that's what he's there for. Just keep reminding yourself that you're going to be okay. (((Ilse))) I'd feel the same way-noone should expect you to not think these thougths. Your provider would most likely welcome any and all calls from you and have you come in for reassurance. The last office I worked in years ago would have mamas come in every other day if they needed to and we'd listen to heart tones. Warmly, Kelly > Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been > clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > At least tomorrow my parents are arriving, and I will finally be able to > give my mum a big hug. I need that now :*( (((Ilse))) Hang in there! It's got to be hard to keep second-guessing things like that. I would totally be doing that in your shoes as well. SignatureC, mama to two year old nursling Hi Ilse Witch Don't worry too much. I remember with Fiona (Feb 2000) I had an appointment at the hospital on the day before she decided to enter this world (I was 20 days overdue - don't ask - still French system) and I hadn't felt any movement for some time. When they put the dopler on and we heard the heartbeat, I cried!! I'd been expecting the baby for over a month - you know they say the baby can arrive 2 weeks early etc. Just hang on to your next appointment. Of course it feels different, there's two of them in there! And don't forget to talk to them, and ask them not to leave you etc. No doubt you will let us know the outcome in due course. Good luck and don't give up hope. Cyber hug Anna Mc > Today is not my day. For a few nights in a row my morningsickness has been > clearly less, which freaks me out. During the day I generally feel [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > the "what if...." won't leave me alone. At some point I have to get over > this and get on with life, enjoy things, be happy. Oh Ilse it is bad enough that you are frightened without feeling guilty about it :( Don't worry that you are worried, it won't affect the twins :) I had the very same feelings with this finally healthy pg (#5)-- the morning sickness was bad, but when I got a respite from it instead of feeling relieved I was terrified. I also wished for the belly window :) It is perfectly normal for ms to wax and wane, but also perfectly normal for that to scare the pants off you. I hope your parents' visit provides a welcome distraction. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor to move your visit up a bit if it will really help your peace of mind. I was often tempted but realized that the relief I felt would only last a *very* short while, and then I'd be jonesing for another check. So I made myself wait. But do whatever gets you through these tough weeks. Best Elle EDD 2/16/2005 > I was often tempted but realized that the relief I felt would only last > a *very* short while That's exactly what will happen to me. After each u/s I was elated, but after a few days my mind started rambling on and on again, and joy was replaced by utter despair. It won't help me much to go in every day, I just don't have the time. I might invest in one of these Doppler thingies for home use though ;-) I had a good night's rest, and feel tons better today. I spoke out my fears and love to the twins, picturing them in my mind as 3 y/o girls (somehow they were identical) and hugging and kissing them afterward. Such vizualisations help me a great deal, and right after I did that, I felt horribly sick again (YAY!). I guess my nerves somehow affect my morning sickness, I had that before each u/s too. I will just have to accept that these ups and downs are part of the road ahead, and stop fighting them. Admitting that I have every right to be scared was a big step... Today I feel utterly and horribly pregnant again, and just relish the feeling while it lasts. Knowing that bad days will come, makes it a lot easier to cope. Thanks all, for being there and sharing your love, experience and hugs. I really needed that yesterday! Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) >> I was often tempted but realized that the relief I felt would only last >> a *very* short while [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Thanks all, for being there and sharing your love, experience and hugs. I > really needed that yesterday! This is about to sound so odd... I'm glad you're feeling sick again! *hugs hugs hugs* You're going to be just fine. You need to relax, take it one day at a time and just remember that this too shall pass. These feelings will come and go. :) Now that I'm done clichéing... We're all behind you honey. > Thanks all, for being there and sharing your love, experience and hugs. I > really needed that yesterday! {{{{{{{{{{{{{Ilse}}}}}}}}}}}}}} We're here for you! I'm so glad you are feeling worse in your tummy :-) and better in your head. We thinking of you and your family here in NZ Cam & Shane >> I was often tempted but realized that the relief I felt would only last >> a *very* short while [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Thanks all, for being there and sharing your love, experience and hugs. I > really needed that yesterday! > Today I feel utterly and horribly pregnant again, > and just relish the feeling while it lasts. You're completely mad, but I'm pleased being sick makes you feel better :-) When do you have another ultrasound? Andrea > You're completely mad, I've been told that before by reliable sources ;-) > When do you have another ultrasound? A week from today, January 27th. I'll manage that, especially with my mum around, which means: lots of shopping at dads expense :-D Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) (snip) > A week from today, January 27th. I'll manage that, especially with my mum > around, which means: lots of shopping at dads expense :-D Ah, yes -- His Fatherly Duty. (DD once got into a "discussion" with her dad about a ride to the mall. She informed him it was His Fatherly Duty. Man, I'll never forget the look on his face. They still laugh about it.) Do buy something lovely for yourself, Ilse. I want a report! Signature-Barb, <www.jamlady.eboard.com> Trip Report and pics added 1-13-05 "I read recipes the way I read science fiction: I get to the end and say,'Well, that's not going to happen.'" - Comedian Rita Rudner, performance at New York, New York, January 10, 2005. > Do buy something lovely for yourself, Ilse. I want a report! Long ago I promised myself that when I would make it past 8 weeks, I'd buy myself a real maternity outfit. I only had 2 or 3 maternity pants with DS, and just wore wide shirts, but this time I want to show off big time. Spring collections are just in, so you know where I'll be this sunday (providing the winter storm takes it easy with the snow) :-D Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) >> Do buy something lovely for yourself, Ilse. I want a >> report! [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > sunday (providing the winter storm takes it easy with the > snow) :-D heh, you're having twins this time! there's no *doubt* you'll be showing off big time ;) good luck finding nice maternity clothes. i know they're out there but none were applicable to my lifestyle. i just bought oversize work overalls & put a hair elastic as an expander on my regular jeans. only worked to 5 months though. i even ended up using the hairties on the overalls during the last few weeks. still it's better than a few years ago where maternity clothes were all pink & cutesy & not at all professionally appropriate! have fun shopping :) lee > > Do buy something lovely for yourself, Ilse. I want a report! > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Spring collections are just in, so you know where I'll be this sunday > (providing the winter storm takes it easy with the snow) :-D Sounds like a good treat! When DD was infanticipating, we went to a maternity specialty shop that had tummy pillow to hang around the neck so mom could get the true effect of what she'd look like wearing it when she was big as a house. :-) Didn't have those when I was bearing children. Pretty cool. Signature-Barb, <www.jamlady.eboard.com> Trip Report and pics added 1-13-05 "I read recipes the way I read science fiction: I get to the end and say,'Well, that's not going to happen.'" - Comedian Rita Rudner, performance at New York, New York, January 10, 2005. >> I was often tempted but realized that the relief I felt would only last >> a *very* short while [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Thanks all, for being there and sharing your love, experience and hugs. I > really needed that yesterday! i'm glad you feel horrible again. (you know what i mean!) Signatureelizabeth (in australia) DS 20th August 2002 "In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain." -- Pliny the Elder (23 AD - 79 AD) > > I was often tempted but realized that the relief I felt would only last > > a *very* short while [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] > preggers with twins EDD August'05 > guardian of DH (33) Ilse I'm glad you found a way to connect with those sweet little babes growing inside you! anytime you need reassurance and time to rant just let us know! Anni <snip> > I will just have to accept that these ups and downs are part of the road > ahead, and stop fighting them. Admitting that I have every right to be [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > Thanks all, for being there and sharing your love, experience and hugs. I > really needed that yesterday! it sounds like an absolute roller-coaster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The downs get less as time goes on Marc Ilse Somehow I missed the announcement that you were expecting twins. Last I saw we were all wishing you sticky vibes. I am so glad to hear that things are going better. Sorry to hear that you are sick though I am sure it is somewhat of a relief to feel it and know that things are going well. (That doesn't quite make sense does it....) Rose Mamma to Caity Feb 13 1999 ( Daddy's best birthday present) > Somehow I missed the announcement that you were expecting twins. Last I saw we > were all wishing you sticky vibes. I am so glad to hear that things are going > better. Sorry to hear that you are sick though I am sure it is somewhat of a > relief to feel it and know that things are going well. (That doesn't quite > make sense does it....) O yes, it does make sense! And I am quite happy to be feeling sick, since it gives me a sense of security. I'd rather feel miserable through pregnancy than having to deal with another loss. So far so good! :) Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) Hugs Ilse. I've been following your newest installment with great hope. I've got major prayers coming your way. I'm sorry you are having a hard time, but it's completely understandable. After all you've been through. I hope your twins make it to term and are around for a long long time. Hugs. SignatureJamie Earth Angels: Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- The Inquisitor, who asks "What's that?" only 1000 times a day. Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Thug, who yells "HEY! HEY! WHERE IS MY FOOD!" quite loudly at 3am! 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