Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / March 2005

Well, one of them is a boy. There was no way around that, he was quite
proudly showing off as soon as they started the u/s on wednesday. Even if
I didn't want to know, I would not have been able to avoid it. The other
baby is probably a girl, but was a bit shy. We'll have another peek in two
weeks with the extended screening. At least so far everything goes really
well pregnancy wise!

Job wise there's been some evolution. Everyone who has read through the
correspondence is totally stunned by the behaviour of my potential
employer. They don't see me being self-centered or anything, rather the
contrary. Several people told me I shouldn't even apologize (which I did
anyway, since I know how a private situation can really mess someone up).
Even one of my referees, who is good friends with the person I
corresponded with and who is the most careful diplomat I know, told me I
was well behaved. That really meant a lot to me.

With the character issue being off the table, I'm trying to find answers
as to what really happened. The only conclusion I can come up with is that
they didn't like me being pregnant. They came with options that they knew
would not work for me (as I had been honest and told them) and so I could
either refuse the offer or get upset. I never refused and got only a
little bit upset, but that was enough for them to play it personal. Almost
as if they were waiting for me to step out of bounds, so they could use
that as an excuse to ditch me.

Legally I could have kept quiet about the pregnancy, agreed on any
starting date that would work for them (even if that would fall in my
maternity leave) and sign the contract. Then we'd move and I would call
somewhere in june and inform them of the pregnancy. In that case, they
would have been pissed, but I would still have had the job and most likely
several months of paid leave and removal expenses. Now they told me that
legally I could not start during my leave, which seems contradictory.

I'm going to sort this out to the bottom. I've talked to people in Leiden
about an alternative job, but that one is closely related to the institute
I got the first offer from. So this issue has to be cleared. If they find
me guilty in any way, I cannot work there comfortably and that closes the
last door in the Netherlands. Then I will sue, since I've got nothing to
loose at that point.

There is also a cry of public outrage permeating slowly into the
astronomical community here. The concensus seems that even if I had been
bitchy in my e-mails, it is simply not done to withdraw an offer that has
been accepted. Especially when the negotiations come down to ~4000 euros
of moving expenses being covered or not. To the institute that is a
marginal expense, to me the withdrawal of the offer has life altering
effects.

At least with the support from my peers, I feel a lot better about myself.
I still try to see this as an opportunity, but there are also days that it
really pisses me off that one person should have such power over the sway
of my family life. There are laws to prevent that, and somehow they should
not be able to get away with this.

Suffice to say, the story continues and it keeps me very busy. We're going
ahead with the move as planned, since our financial stability is best
guaranteed back home, where Mark can easily find a job. With all this on
my mind, I may visit here even less than I already did :-( You are all in
my thoughts, and I will keep you posted of major changes and of course
about the pregnancy. Take care!!