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Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / July 2005Mom ... what do you think?
Well just want to know if I am really that bad of a guy. Inlaws are accusing me of not treating DW like an adult and basically doing everything wrong. IOW it's all my fault. For those who don't know I got a son with Aspergers (high functioning Autism) and a DD who is super capable and smart and a DW who is diagnost with Severe Manic depression and Schizophreania. (Started after DD was born). Well the docs suggested that home life was too much for her and suggested assisted living with visits to our home on weekends. So I did that (FIL and MIL don't like that at all cause she belongs with the family no matter what and she'd function if I treat her right - well I am open for suggestions). DS improved a bit but is missing her a lot. DD states "the less she comes here the better." But that is a different issue. So all week DS dreams what mom will all do with him on the weekend and is counting the days. Then mom comes - and does nothing except chase him away with "leave me alone". Today she locked herself in the room to "take a nap and have some peace and quiet" from 10 am (after breakfast) to just a little after 6pm. DS was sitting in front of the door from time to time knocking and calmly pleading "Please mom open up.... Please I want to talk with you .... Please lets backe cookies etc etc" Just as a response from time to time "Go away leave me alone." So after a while of that I just took son by himself to the movies (DD was playing and staying with neighbor kids. DS just loves movies. I felt real bad for him. Now that kind of stuff is the rule and not the exception. On the way home DS again was all hopeful of what mom might have all prepared for him and she was still in the room with the door locked. So DS messed up his room while I was in the bathroom - pulled out the drawers and dumped them on the floor. He sometimes does that when frustrated. So I am bringing her back to the assisted living facility early and won't pick her up next week. Now that has happened before too. I made the rule that if she comes her she got to participate and not frustrate DS - we are going to have a bad day tomorrow - he always does after mom behaved like that and I bring her back to the assisted living facility - Plus he got to put all his stuff back into the drawers. Now I already got a phonecall from FIL that I cannot make conditions on her coming here that I am treating her like a kid etc etc and if I would treat her right she would never had problems in the first place. IOW I am a bad guy. Free Spirit DD(9) DS(12) If your wife is as bad off as you say, and you really want her to visit your home it's unfair to both her and your son to place any expectations on her. If she's there and reasonably coherent, fine. If she's locked in a room and babbling to the walls, fine. SInce it's hard for the Asperger's kid to understand her behavior and it causes such difficulty, it's probably better if she doesn't visit. Don't people with Asperger's syndrome require stable environments and need to know exactly what is going to happen, when, and how? A bipolar schizophrenic is the exact opposite of this.After all, your wife can go back to the care facility. You have to deal with the aftermath at home. As for her parents, apparently they need a crash course in abnormal psychology, if they think schizophrenia is caused by mistreatment and that it can be cured by just being nice to the sufferer. They can keep her for the weekend if they think you're doing such a bad job. dejablues mentioned in passing : > If your wife is as bad off as you say, and you really want her to > visit your home it's unfair to both her and your son to place any [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > and that it can be cured by just being nice to the sufferer. They can > keep her for the weekend if they think you're doing such a bad job. Agreed. The inlaws also need to start thinking of the next generation - their grandkids. But, while I think we'd all like them to get educated on mental illness and so forth, I suspect that they are entrenched in their opinions. They probably would have tried to obtain decent, current information when the diagnosis was first made if they had any questions. Instead, they have not as they apparently believe that they know the whole story. So, Free, you are in a tough spot. With kids who need a mom who is well and a wife who can't be that person for her kids [let alone for you]. have you discussed with the psychiatrist the difficulties things present for visits and your son so you can develop something workable? Maybe DS' therapist has some ideas? Perhaps the best thing that may come out of these unpredictable events is that DS becomes more adept at dealing with frustrations and lack of predictability. I know folks with Aspbergers can be taught strategies for these types of things so maybe DS' therapist might want to focus on that. -Aula  SignatureAnd Jesus said: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you ... - Luke 6:27-38 > If your wife is as bad off as you say, and you really want her to visit > your home it's unfair to both her and your son to place any expectations on [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > it can be cured by just being nice to the sufferer. They can keep her for > the weekend if they think you're doing such a bad job. You said what I was thinking but in a lot fewer words. I agree. gloria p >> If your wife is as bad off as you say, and you really want her to visit >> your home it's unfair to both her and your son to place any expectations on [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > >gloria p Hi Deja - for whatever reason I cannot see your post so I answer to this one. I do feel that way and agree with you and yes DS needs stability and predictability and that is why I cut down on DW visits and made those conditions. As for her parents they won't keep her for a weekend as they are "too old". Due to all that laying around for the last 8-9 years DW has lost enough muscle tone that she for example cannot get up the stairs walking but has to do it on all four. So forget doing anything much that requires moving - even though she should to improve her muscles as the doctors say. Now her parents at their age cannot be bogged down with someone in her kind of shape. So they won't take her for a week or weekend or such. For my part I am just getting clobbered and accused and blamed. After a while you want to get a 2nd oppinion. Free Spirit DD(9) DS(12) Sounds like you suck at reproducing. >Well just want to know if I am really that bad of a guy. Inlaws are accusing me >of not treating DW like an adult and basically doing everything wrong. IOW it's [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] >Free Spirit >DD(9) DS(12) |
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