Family Forum / Parenting / Mothers / April 2006

Please keep the copyright information with it.

How do I spell A.U.T.I.S.M. ?

**A** I have to say the first emotion I felt was Anger, I was angry
that this had happened to me, I had been so careful, I made an
appointment with my doctor, when I was barely a month along, I took
good care of myself, I ate well, and didn't abuse my body with drugs
or alchohol, or smoking. I felt such rage at first, this was not fair,
some women neglected themselves, and didnt care for the child inside,
and their child was perfect. Why not mine?

**U** Unbelief..... denial...........you name it, I felt it. This was
not happening to me, I would wake up in the night, and it would hit
me, my child has autism, and then I would plug my ears, trying to stop
the voices in my head, I would bury my head in the pillow, refusing to
believe this was happening to us. It took me a long time to let it
sink in, and to this day, I sometimes forget, and then the realization
hits me, and it knocks me to my knees again. It takes all my strength
to get up. But I do, because I have to, I have to be there for my
child.

**T** Of course the tears, tears of rage, panic, frustration. Gut
wrenching tears in the middle of the night, somehow it always seems
worse in the night. The house is quiet at last, and there is time to
think, to ponder, to pray. Tears though are such a relief, without
their outlet, I would have gone crazy. But, I have held them back so
many times, in a store when someone makes a cruel remark, or a child
who approaches mine, then backs off with that 'look' on his face. I
refuse to cry then, because I still have my pride, and it although it
is tattered, I cling to it like a security blanket.

**I** Isolation, oh yes, the isolation. Friends seemed to disapear
into thin air, when they found out. Sometimes I wanted to scream "It's
not catching, " but they wouldnt hear me, they were too busy
keeping their child away from mine. The phone stopped ringing too, and
people would turn away at Church, avert their eyes when my child had a
tantrum. The isolation is the hardest thing.......... being alone
hurts. At the time in my life when I needed friends and family the
most, the pain of them looking the other way, was indescribable. But I
have found friends, people who know the path I take, for it is their
journey too. For this blessing I am so grateful. These are the true
friends, the ones who are there for me, when life is unbearable.

**S** Sadness and Solace, I have felt the sadness of knowing my child
will not be like other children, I have wept many tears for him. I
have spent my waking hours, and sleepless nights worrying about
his future, who will care for him, what kind of adult will he be? Will
someone be there for him, when I am gone? There is such pain in not
knowing, there is nothing so hard for a parent, than realizing that
one day, you will not be there to take care of your child. And knowing
that this child will always need your care. But there is Solace too,
and I have felt this peace, I have learned to accept this Autism, I
cannot erase it, nor will I embrace it. But I have come to a feeling
of peace, and I go on.

**M** Mercy and Magic, Have mercy on me, It's so hard to raise a child
when others look on, and instead of holding out a hand to help, they
stand in judgement. Don't judge me, when my child acts
out, when he screams because something has changed in his environment,
he doesnt do it purposefully, he is only reacting to his feelings. I
am a good mother, I love my child like you love yours, I want the best
for him, yet I cannot give in to him. He looks to me and I must teach
him, just as you teach your child. I may do it differently, because my
child is different. He learns in his own way, and I have to teach him
in a way that to others may seem odd, or unusual. Magic? Oh yes, there
is magic. I have seen my child blossom, I have seen him learn, I have
watched his wonder, and rejoiced in his small steps. His smile is
magic, and his heart is gold. I did not choose this journey, but
somehow it is mine, and I must see the roses, as I walk upon the rocky
pathway.  I did not ask for this, but it was given to me, and I must
be strong enough to bear it. If I cannot, then I am lost, if I give
up, who will take my place? There is enough joy, if I look for
it....... it will find me.

c. Sally Meyer 1999
--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

I searched Google using these words, no quotation marks, and got 437,000
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