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Family Forum / Parenting / Parenting / June 2006relationship issues with fiancee over his adult son
Hi been engaged with fiancee for 5 years. Life is coming to a move in together and build for OUR FUTURE. Recently My son graduated from Ohio University, heres the problem His son came into the picture like a gust of wind mind you after 5 years of bad mouthing and hating his father which I was witness to entirely. I have been shelfed with no contact when father son get together or etc. YET when it was always time for me to have one on one with my two sons wow did I get told I was unfair. NOW that I woke up and include fiancee in all of my family doings. Which he didnt have anyone in this time I am the one who is now alone both my sons are no longer home, its just me and my buddy dog TITAN. I confronted my fiancee regarding why am I not asked to go to cedar point, dinners and etc. was told his son 18years old needs time. (well Im sure he is scared because of the 5 years of pure HELL that kid put his father through, as well as put me through. Mind you I started dating my fiancee and walked into a whirlwind of problems from his ex and his children he has three yet the oldest which is now present is the one who did the most of the issues of name calling, etc. I ended up having to go to a lawyer and have a lawyer send his ex a letter regarding stuff she was posting over the internet regarding my 1st marriage, my children (mind you my sons were in their prime time of being seniors in high school to college in first year. YES they had their time of problems and had consequences for actions like drag racing on the back streets, getting busted for under age drinking, yep even my oldest got busted for smoking pot. But my fiancee's ex had to slander my life --- I think maybe she was a bit shocked her ex moved on... any ways Recently like I said his son back in the picture-- I have been with this guy 365 /24/7 other than work times for both of us. We agreed we would be cautious and careful now that son is around.. OOOPS someone forgot and dropped all guards instead Dad and Son are together and I am alone, upset, crying, making some comments-- so I decided to contact the son and Say hey This is me and I went right into asking if there is still issues over the past problems,. He told me no there was no problem and was more less informing me that It was not son that doesnt want to include me it has been his father., WOW now this is mind blowing. Anyways when I told my fiancee what I did wow he got pissed off HE yelled , got mad and said I had no right to contact his son, I than retaliated said look YOU dont sideline when my sons are in town why should I over yours. HE said that they need time to gain back the past. I said the past is done you have to pick up from today --well As of Friday I got a call and was told to come get all my stuff from his place and that our engagement and all is off. he wont talk to me, wont answer his phone, wont even see me, I have sat at what was to be our place and waited for hours and he comes home only to gain 3 hours of sleep, than runs into the house saying go home its done and that I caused this to happen due to my mouth... and not giving him the support. so thats the story any advice or etc sure could use it Im so sry, that sounds horrible!! Honestly, and maybe I am being harsh, but I think you should say OK and leave!! I mean, if you two are going to be married, his son needs to respect you and realize you will be around for good. If your finacee doesnt get that then you dont need him! Period!! Let him realize what he has lost, dont answer his calls for a while or blow him off if he wants to get together. Let him know that you dont need him. I hope things get better for your family. I'm sorry about your situation, but it sounds like your fiancee wasn't quite ready to handle the problem and chose the easy way out by just leaving the relationship. I have seen this same situation that you're in with a family member of mine. It's hard to not seem like the bad guy when attempting to explain things to your other half about his or her own children. Seems like your fiancee didn't want to be a bad guy towards his son. I hope things are well with your children. > Hi been engaged with fiancee for 5 years. Life is coming to a move in > together and build for OUR FUTURE. Recently My son graduated from Ohio [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] > > so thats the story any advice or etc sure could use it Just an update of how this is all going due to the weekend being another weekend of hurt and pain. I tried to see HIM! WHY? Because of all I did believe we had! The reality is beginning to be so much clearer and clearer. He either is a not the man who holds my love to the deepest, or is just showing his other side of being a total mess. I managed to send him a few internet cards and YEP I know he received them for I got the card was received message. Yet does he respond NOPE! So I do believe it is time to do what I need to for MYSELF. This is going to be tough. Yet why should I take this type of treatment, actually seems to me that his actions could fall under MENTAL ABUSE. As well as he may feel he can control me already. OOPS SORRY ABOUT HIS LUCK, I am not looking to be controlled or owned. At age 43 it is life where my children are raised, my material and non material items have been kept due to my strong willingness to make it in this world. I sat and made a list this weekend PROS and CONS about HIM and I, our RELATIONSHIP, shock and reality hit in this area as well. Maybe being taken in by the touches of love, affection and the desire to be with someone finally other than working two jobs as well as handling the entire home ownership on my was clouded. Reaity, the walls of defense are going back up. Plan stop taking drives by his place, stop trying to text message him, as well as stop calling him. If he wants me and loves me he shall do the persuing. This relationship was very strong to the degree he was comfortable, I cleaned his place, which he was terrible at doing, organized his bills, got a budget set in stone for him to save funds. The funny side of this my life had already been that organized. The pros and cons list really did something it made me see that as a woman I managed to work two jobs, managed to see my two sons through college careers which I backed 100% no help from my ex, managed to keep my home intact from upkeep to bills. Leaned on my fiancee a few times for helping out with some tasks but thats what a good relationship is about. Viewing from the stand point of his life, he being a carpenter, making good money as well as in the 5 years of being with him he was only laid off two weeks. NOW THATS great for when carpenters work slows some actually are laid for quite sometime. Back to subject I am beginning to feel he has a side of non caring when we met he was filing for bankruptcy, in the bankruptcy he claimed his home, vehicle (2002 explorer), all his credit card debit, medical bills . Now here is my biggest reality his vehicle presently is a 1989 chevorlet van which is falling apart literally, it presently sits at his cousins after his cousin offered to work on the brakes. Thats been 3 months ago. Its fixed and still he hasnt picked it up from his cousins. Fiancee resides in a mobile home in which his mother gave to him two years ago this coming September, wonder if she did this to stop him from moving in my home with me? my REALITY is beginning to hit! Here I was ready to sell my home and move in with him. Our dream was after 5 years we would build our DREAM HOME. Now really what am I thinking when my home is practically paid off. WOW thinking was clouded over in my world totally. well I will keep up on this but as the saying goes STRONG TO THE FINISH..... standing on my feet firmly to the ground, my my nose to the grind stone and not going to let myself be victim at the hands of someone who only portrays to love and care. > I'm sorry about your situation, but it sounds like your fiancee wasn't > quite ready to handle the problem and chose the easy way out by just [quoted text clipped - 54 lines] > > > > so thats the story any advice or etc sure could use it Just an update of how this is all going due to the weekend being another weekend of hurt and pain. I tried to see HIM! WHY? Because of all I did believe we had! The reality is beginning to be so much clearer and clearer. He either is a not the man who holds my love to the deepest, or is just showing his other side of being a total mess. I managed to send him a few internet cards and YEP I know he received them for I got the card was received message. Yet does he respond NOPE! So I do believe it is time to do what I need to for MYSELF. This is going to be tough. Yet why should I take this type of treatment, actually seems to me that his actions could fall under MENTAL ABUSE. As well as he may feel he can control me already. OOPS SORRY ABOUT HIS LUCK, I am not looking to be controlled or owned. At age 43 it is life where my children are raised, my material and non material items have been kept due to my strong willingness to make it in this world. I sat and made a list this weekend PROS and CONS about HIM and I, our RELATIONSHIP, shock and reality hit in this area as well. Maybe being taken in by the touches of love, affection and the desire to be with someone finally other than working two jobs as well as handling the entire home ownership on my was clouded. Reaity, the walls of defense are going back up. Plan stop taking drives by his place, stop trying to text message him, as well as stop calling him. If he wants me and loves me he shall do the persuing. This relationship was very strong to the degree he was comfortable, I cleaned his place, which he was terrible at doing, organized his bills, got a budget set in stone for him to save funds. The funny side of this my life had already been that organized. The pros and cons list really did something it made me see that as a woman I managed to work two jobs, managed to see my two sons through college careers which I backed 100% no help from my ex, managed to keep my home intact from upkeep to bills. Leaned on my fiancee a few times for helping out with some tasks but thats what a good relationship is about. Viewing from the stand point of his life, he being a carpenter, making good money as well as in the 5 years of being with him he was only laid off two weeks. NOW THATS great for when carpenters work slows some actually are laid for quite sometime. Back to subject I am beginning to feel he has a side of non caring when we met he was filing for bankruptcy, in the bankruptcy he claimed his home, vehicle (2002 explorer), all his credit card debit, medical bills . Now here is my biggest reality his vehicle presently is a 1989 chevorlet van which is falling apart literally, it presently sits at his cousins after his cousin offered to work on the brakes. Thats been 3 months ago. Its fixed and still he hasnt picked it up from his cousins. Fiancee resides in a mobile home in which his mother gave to him two years ago this coming September, wonder if she did this to stop him from moving in my home with me? my REALITY is beginning to hit! Here I was ready to sell my home and move in with him. Our dream was after 5 years we would build our DREAM HOME. Now really what am I thinking when my home is practically paid off. WOW thinking was clouded over in my world totally. well I will keep up on this but as the saying goes STRONG TO THE FINISH..... standing on my feet firmly to the ground, my my nose to the grind stone and not going to let myself be victim at the hands of someone who only portrays to love and care. > I'm sorry about your situation, but it sounds like your fiancee wasn't > quite ready to handle the problem and chose the easy way out by just [quoted text clipped - 54 lines] > > > > so thats the story any advice or etc sure could use it > (Whining blather.....) ------------ You need to learn to shut the f.ck up and stop overthinking and trying to control everyone and everybody. His kid isn't your problem or your business and you should be thankful of that! If you're so f.cking immature that you think you just HAVE to have your way and make everybody abide YOUR presence for each and every interaction, then you're too LITTLE for a relationship with ANYBODY! You try to enmesh yourself in anything anybody else is doing, get a f.cking hobby!! Steve I am far from whining Steve Relationships are built on trust. openness, communication, support and all the othr avenues. Lack of communication is happening right now. As far as the present I hurt badly. Its not a game. When you love someone your totally true to them. Greatful the son is in his life. Yet there should be enough space to allow the relationship that my fiancee and I have to be there as well. Almost should be a positive to show his son that a relationship that is true and positive, and to show the son that two people can take their time to make sure things are right. Instead of jumping into the unknown and regret it later. So you dont know me, I am a very strong, independent lady. I am not here to battle or etc with anyone. I came just to ask for some advice regarding the son returning into Dads life. Not surch a crime. Just trying to understand and to stop the pain that I am feeling. > I am far from whining Steve > Relationships are built on trust. openness, communication, support and > all the othr avenues. ------------------------ But not mandatory ones. Try that and you're doing the opposite of friendship already. And that's what you're doing... pushing. > Lack of communication is happening right now. As far as the present I > hurt badly. Its not a game. When you love someone your totally true to > them. ----------------------- You remind me of a highschool girl chasing a boy so hard that she's just f.cking annoying. Sane friends know when to leave each other the f.ck alone. > Greatful the son is in his life. Yet there should be enough space > to allow the relationship that my fiancee and I have to be there as > well. ------------------------------ Quit pretending you have some magic right to his son just because you're with him. YOU DON'T! > So you dont know me, I am a very strong, independent lady. ---------------------------- You're a co-dependent wuss. > I am not > here to battle or etc with anyone. I came just to ask for some advice > regarding the son returning into Dads life. Not surch a crime. Just > trying to understand and to stop the pain that I am feeling. ---------------------------- Your pain is caused by you, not by anyone else. Stop hurting yourself and try to find some hobbies so that you don't need to interfere in every aspect of his life, or you'll lose him. Steve as the saying goes better to have loved than never have loved at all. In the recent days I have tried to understand the guy. This is all new and out of character. Responding to actions of being cold hearted to me after all the time is not what there has been. Presently even a simple hello from him over the phone, even a lets get together for a walk in the park would be nice. Yet to see how a 360 degree turn can take place all over an adult child returning back into life. TOTALLY AMAZING I walked back into my real Dads life after being pulled from him for over 8 years as a child, so its not like the process calls for destroying a relationship. Its okay better to find out where I stand now than later down the road. Turmoil is not an avenue planned to endure. Taking responsibiltiy, allowing to be proud of what has been gained in his life my fiancee should be showing. Instead showing dysfunction or whatever it maybe is sad. Not challenging his time with his son this time is great, for them to deal with issues yet to play games is sure not the way to deal with serious issues. In the past years some very heavy issues were gone through. Not the normal I hate you Dad attitude. I wont display the ordeal all that is said is I sure hope the guy I love is careful, In the years of our relationship this man has been told he was nothing but an abuser, drugged through the system only to have legal issues prove his defense was blown out of the water all because of wrong doings and lies. Yep I have caution flags up thats a precaution taken on my end. Fears yes another area for the harsh ordeals the guy went through. From police, to courts, to financial dealings knowing that his son was 16 two years ago the young adult accussed his father of some high damaging situations. statistics show that in a broken home adult children tend to go to the distant parent 1- for either answers 2- to either get what they feel the parent owes them 3- to rebuild time! 4- to escape the life they have had to endure the years of the custodial parent, hoping to find play time to get away from responsbilities. 5- easy to hope life will hold no demands, sorry about your luck demands being an adult is always going to remain in this relationship fiancee is twisted over the fact of the lost years, reality will show it was not his fault he was totally treated worse than dirt on the ground. so yes I worry at the same time cross my fingers for nothing terrible to happen > Hi been engaged with fiancee for 5 years. Life is coming to a move in > together and build for OUR FUTURE. Recently My son graduated from Ohio [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] > > so thats the story any advice or etc sure could use it well the weekend was here and went. I managed to speak to him on Friday begging and practically being treated like sh.t on his terms of control. He said he didnt want to hear anything he wants time to be with son so I need to butt out and chill. I told him fine than I will but its not fair and that he should be showing his son the real way a relationship between a man and woman grows, instead of being dysfunctional and treating me like I am nothing. Made a list of pros and cons regarding him and I. and actually it is a bit scarey to say I had some blinders on in some areas. WHAT WAS I THINKING! or shall it be what was i thinking with. when we first met. he filed for bankruptcy all the entire 100 yards. Here I being a single Mom of college bound sons managed to work two jobs, keep my home going from payments to getting out of debit. to seeing both sons graduate from college, as to own my vehicle which is only to be paid off here in a few short months. As for my fiancee I am beginning to look around and wonder what does he have in life. Actually not much! his vehicle a 1989 chevy van which is literally falling apart, the windshield is busted, yet has never bothered to get it fixed. Upon being in the relationship he did manage to purchase to car maybe due to me not wanting to go in the van many places. He did purchase a Taurus yet sad he does not keep it clean it has smokers life totally detailed inside in. From ashtray full of butts, to empty packs to coffee spilled everywhere. White towels cover the seats which have been in there since oh let me say winter when he cleaned his car up after I said to him when are you going to clean the car? As well as he ended up with a busted windshield in the winter due to a rock hitting it while on way to work, did he get it fixed to this day? NOPE still busted down the middle. When my explorer got a rock into the windshield I had it taken care of immediately. WOW values are placed high in my world, as well as I take pride in what I own and have. Now that makes me think. Pondering over so much in my head presently that it makes me think take a break, go live for each day to the fullest, stop trying to communicate with him. stop driving by his place. STOP ALL THE HABITS of thinking I need him in order to live. DONT NEED to be doing this . Because I have managed to maintain a very sound and intact life. Presently there is no need to sit idol wait hope pray for this relationship to work out. If anything he needs to wake up see what he is loosing. For I do have material and non material items. My life is in order. Hell even to say my ex spouse of 21 years of marriage is still a friend yet a distant one. Really need to see that maybe this relationship was convienent for my fiancee for he was taken care of. And from my point of view I became intangled by the affection, outtings, passion, carefree that truth of life was oly shoved on a shelf waiting to be uncovered over time. OKAY I really am looking at things with my eyes wide open. Maybe I was over come with the affection, the attention of being cared about, yet failed to see that there was areas that I was being taken advantaged of. Presently with his actions it seems to be to fall under MENTAL ABUSE. But oh well Im not a professional just a lady that thought highly of the guy who I was involved with for 5 years. In the past two years I have not worked due to I was injured from work and am hurt to the point I had major surgery finally March 2006. Now recovering but with alot of time on my hands. All I can say is ladies look well into a relationship before you actually give up all you have worked so hard for only to be hurt and devastated. Here have been preparing to sell my home in order to move in with him in a mobile home that his MOTHER gave him at the time he was going to move in my home with me. Instead that made a bitter event happen and to this day I have been the one to decorate his place, get him orgainized with paper work and on a budget, grocery shop laundry and etc. GEEZ if I wanted to take care of all this I should be with my sons (which neither live at home no more) my oldest is in Oregon, my youngest is in Columbus (recently graduated from college. So maybe this is not the relationship that should be for me. Settling possibly for something only out of non clear thinking. (something I done in the past) Hurt you bet I am.Crying yes I am still doing that. All because the guy seemed so real caring and charmed me off my feet. Reality once again what was I thinking? Learning to deal with bad habits all over again I am going to go through with selling my home, it is a bit big, not needing this much space. This week hoping to get the marketing listing post done, than up for sale by the second week in July. MY PLAN! As for a place to live, going to check into a housing area with units called cluster home. These are homes smaller than mine present, less maintance outside, as well as instead of throwing rent money into an apartment or for the recent idea into the picture throwing money into lot rent in a mobile home park. A cluster home is a home which is newer. I gotta begin looking out for NUMBER 1 for no one else really can do that thanks for my babbling on time |
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