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Family Forum / Pregnancy / Pregnancy / June 2004Second babies
Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? Alena's almost one, and it's a possibility that we're having our second, but I've found myself petrified of the idea! Is this normal??? >Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? Yes, especially if the first pregnancy or birth was bad. After I developed severe PE and had to have an emergency c/s, I was afraid. But I got over it. Faster than you did. My bf had her baby about 8 months ago, and she is afraid to get pregnant again. -- Daye Momma to Jayan and Leopold See Jayan and Leo: http://www.aloofhosting.com/jayleo/ Updated 28 Feb 2004 > >Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? I found the transition to 2 the hardest, so I'd say it's normal. Adding #3 was easy, and I really can't say I'm worried about adding #4, except that lack of sleep. > Yes, especially if the first pregnancy or birth was bad. After I > developed severe PE and had to have an emergency c/s, I was afraid. > But I got over it. Faster than you did. I don't know about that. I know L's birth was my 3rd but it was pretty bad and I already knew before I left the hospital I'd have another. > My bf had her baby about 8 months ago, and she is afraid to get > pregnant again. > > -- > Daye Why "afraid"? > I found the transition to 2 the hardest, so I'd say it's normal. Adding #3 > was easy, and I really can't say I'm worried about adding #4, I believe this. I can see it with myself-- #2 will be a different world from just having one and that's what I am worried about. But once you have more than 1, it seems you can keep going without too much more difficulty. But IMO adding #2 seems to be a HUGE adjustment!! >> My bf had her baby about 8 months ago, and she is afraid to get >> pregnant again. > >Why "afraid"? Maybe afraid is the wrong word, but she doesn't want to be pregnant again. She doesn't want to deal with having the baby (she had an emergency c/s with her first). She has a lot of reasons (or excuses) why she doesn't want baby #2. I just tell her that she has to do what is right for her and her family. Her DH wants another baby. I am so glad that I had Leopold, even though the pregnancy was hell, I didn't like the c/s, and I got severe PPD from it all. I love my little boy, and I tell her that. I would do it all again to get my little Leo. -- Daye Momma to Jayan and Leopold See Jayan and Leo: http://www.aloofhosting.com/jayleo/ Updated 28 Feb 2004 "Daye" <daye@australia.edu> wrote I tell her that. I > would do it all again to get my little Leo. I would do it all over again, exactly like it was with no changes, to have my Rachel as well. It was definitely worth it , no doubt!! In fact....I would agree to do it all over again with NO complaints!! The end result has made me the happiest I have ever been in my life. Even though there has been tough times with moods and little problems...one little smile from Rachel and I melt. :) I have a friend or two who claims to be phobic of labor or pregnancy etc...and this is all I tell them-- that the end is way more than worth it. Enough said. People always told me that and I did believe it and realize that it would be, but you just don't know until you get there, how great it feels! Jill > > -- > > Daye > > Why "afraid"? I'm afraid because of all the health problems Alena had and all the problems she has now. I know they're because she was a premie, but if I'm pregnant now, Alena won't even be 2 and I'll be involved with a newborn. If the new baby is sick like she was, that's 3 weeks of hospital time with little to no support at home for me, Allan and now Alena. It's a scary prospect. "Daye" <daye@australia.edu> wrote > > My bf had her baby about 8 months ago, and she is afraid to get > pregnant again. > > -- Sounds normal to me. I have already forgotten so much about the bad points of labor and pregnancy (the panic attacks, the long labor with the wearing-off epidural etc, the morning sickness that never went away...) etc.....but believe it or not, THAT is not what makes me afraid to have another baby. I wouls like another baby when Rachel gets to a certain age. I.e., old enough that I won't have them too close together or too far apart for me. But with Rachel, it's JUST her, and she is all I have to worry about. Everything can center around her. I am afraid to be pregnant with a toddler/child and have to worry about taking care of myself if I have another rough pregnancy while caring for Rachel. I won't be able to just lie down whenever I want, or have the luxury to avoid anything and everything that makes me nauseous etc. There will be responsibilities that I have. And also I am afraid of what it will be like AFTER I have the second baby, all the new issues that could be- sibling rivalry, making each child happy, time management, etc. I am enjoying Rachel so much. I am afraid with a second child, it will not feel this easy and good, it will be more stressful- much more so- and much less relaxing. It's tough to watch after Rachel, because it takes up 95% of my time- I feel like all I do is feed her, change her, and then hold her and play with her to keep her from crying since she cries when EVER she is put down. This is good with me-- but with another child in the mix to care for this way...would be so hard with 2!!! 2 different ages, 2 different sets of needs, each just as important and each just as demanding of my time/attention/care. It feels like it will be soooo hard!! How do you guys with multiple kids do it.....I remember Sophie saying it is all about routine. Routines and time management are not my strong suits, since I have always until now just done what I feel, when I want to as much as possible (with the obvious exception of working full time-- but on my own time, it';s been no routine, just doing what I feel)... >It's tough to watch after Rachel, because it takes up 95% of >my time- I feel like all I do is feed her, change her, and then hold her and >play with her to keep her from crying since she cries when EVER she is put >down. Jayan had to be able to see me. I could not be out of her sight or she would cry. So she would be put in the pram and rolled to where ever I had to do something. I even took her to the toilet with me. Remember, every baby is different. I thought that Leopold would be like that too. So I was prepared to have him around me all the time. He could care less. He is prefectly happy to play in the floor while I am in another room. Or look out the window and I am not in his line of sight. Leo is much more laid back than Jayan. He is a very secure baby. He knows that I am around. If he cries, I come to see what is wrong, but he doesn't need me 24/7 like Jayan did. But he loves having my attention, don't get me wrong. -- Daye Momma to Jayan and Leopold See Jayan and Leo: http://www.aloofhosting.com/jayleo/ Updated 28 Feb 2004 > Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? > Alena's almost one, and it's a possibility that we're having our second, but > I've found myself petrified of the idea! > > Is this normal??? I don't know if it's "normal" or not, but my son will be four in October and I am still terrified at the thought of another one. And I had a good delivery and he's been great (maybe that's the problem - everything has been so wonderful with him that I'm afraid I have nowhere to go but down?). My husband jokes that I am the only woman in the world who does a happy dance each month when her period starts ;) Katrina > My husband jokes that I am the only woman in the world who does a happy > dance each month when her period starts ;) > > Katrina You are not the only one....*lol* :) But in keeping with this thread, having #1 was a bit of an adjustment...not as major an upheaval as I originally envisioned...but overall not bad at all. :) Adding #2 has seemed to bring about the most changes. According to my mother, after that it wasn't difficult to add one more (there were 3 of us). Maria Kelly 2/19/00 Kyle 7/9/01 "Maria Danielle Darst" <mdarst@satx.rr.com> wrote in message > "D&K Condron" <condrons1997@comcast.net> wrote in message > > My husband jokes that I am the only woman in the world who does a happy > > dance each month when her period starts ;) [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > as major an upheaval as I originally envisioned...but overall not bad at > all. :) Hmm. This makes me wonder. #1 *was* a major upheaval and huge adjustment for me (he was a very planned baby, too), so does that mean I'm doomed when hypothetical #2 comes along? I've been hoping that adjusting to two will be easier to adjusting to one, since I will already be in "kid mode" when #2 comes along. It has been pretty hard for me to adjust to the constantness of childrearing as well as the loss of personal freedom (something I feel very keenly). Uh oh. Maybe I will look back at these days with #1 as being full of freedom once compared to having two?! -- Em mama to L-baby, 9 months old > Hmm. This makes me wonder. #1 *was* a major upheaval and huge adjustment > for me (he was a very planned baby, too), so does that mean I'm doomed [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > (something I feel very keenly). Uh oh. Maybe I will look back at these > days with #1 as being full of freedom once compared to having two?! I think it depends. If your pre-baby life was very kid-unfriendly, then you might find 0-1 worse than 1-2. If your pre-baby life was fairly amenable to adding kids, then 0-1 might not seem so bad, but 1-2 might seem much worse. Or maybe you'd find both difficult ;-) In our case, 0-1 wasn't too bad. It didn't change our lifestyle a lot. I did get tired of the constant parenting, but on the other hand, if DH had the baby, I could be off duty. Once #2 came along, things were more limited. A toddler and a baby are less portable than just a baby, and if DH had one kid, I still had other. (DH sometimes took both kids, of course, but in the everyday back-and-forth of life, it was harder to get off duty without totally leaving the house.) Best wishes, Ericka > > Hmm. This makes me wonder. #1 *was* a major upheaval and huge adjustment > > for me (he was a very planned baby, too), so does that mean I'm doomed [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > back-and-forth of life, it was harder to get off > duty without totally leaving the house.) Well.... I honestly don't know. I went from 1 to 3, and then added a 4th. It's a rare, rare day when I get out without taking at least ONE with me (but then, doing errands with just one feels like freedom!) That said, on weekends, I usually go out by myself for a couple of hours (having nursed the baby just before I leave) and DH has all 4 kids for the whole time. I do have to LEAVE to be 'off duty', but this is possible, and my DH encourages it for my sanity. --angela > I honestly don't know. I went from 1 to 3, and then added a 4th. It's a > rare, rare day when I get out without taking at least ONE with me (but then, [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > to be 'off duty', but this is possible, and my DH encourages it for my > sanity. Oh, I do the same (though with 3 rather than 4). It's just that when we only had one, if we were out to dinner (or anywhere else, for that matter), it was easy to just pass baby duty fluidly back and forth between the two of us. We could both eat and get in conversation with other people. With two, all of a sudden most of that disappeared. If DH was paying attention to the needs of one, that didn't mean I didn't have to pay attention to the other. Dinners out and visiting with other people got a lot more fragmented. With only one child, we kept up our usual social routine with little trouble. With two, it made a more significant dent in that sort of thing. Best wishes, Ericka > > I think it depends. If your pre-baby life was > > very kid-unfriendly, then you might find 0-1 worse than [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > back-and-forth of life, it was harder to get off > > duty without totally leaving the house.) That was us. Adding 1 was fine, adding 2 was awful. Adding 3 was maybe the easiest. > Well.... > > I honestly don't know. I went from 1 to 3, and then added a 4th. It's a > rare, rare day when I get out without taking at least ONE with me (but then, > doing errands with just one feels like freedom!) Lol. So many moms of 2 or more say the same- it's so easy to run errands with only one. >That said, on weekends, I > usually go out by myself for a couple of hours (having nursed the baby just [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > --angela I go by myself on a weekend, or more often my husband will take 2 or 3 kids and go do something with them. I like that better, being in the house *alone* :) >> Hmm. This makes me wonder. #1 *was* a major upheaval and huge adjustment > for me (he was a very planned baby, too), so does that mean I'm doomed [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > (something I feel very keenly). Uh oh. Maybe I will look back at these > days with #1 as being full of freedom once compared to having two?! I'm 9 weeks into baby #2 and DD1 is 2 yr, 4 months. For the reasons you stated above, the transition from 1 - 2 is nothing compared to transitioning from 0 - 1 was for me. I just bring her along to whatever... The only thing that's hard is not having the hours after DD1 goes to bed to myself, but DD2 is pretty mellow anyway. Nancy Em said: >Hmm. This makes me wonder. #1 *was* a major upheaval and huge adjustment >for me (he was a very planned baby, too), so does that mean I'm doomed >when hypothetical #2 comes along? I've been hoping that adjusting to two >will be easier to adjusting to one, since I will already be in "kid >mode" when #2 comes along. I think you are talking about two different kinds of adjustment here, kwim? From 0-1, you are adjusting to being a mother, having a child, having a different kind of relationship with your husband, changing your priorities, having a new image of yourself . . . From 1-2, the adjustment is just managing the needs of two babies instead of one, managing your time better, learning to split your attention . . . so when I say going from 1-2 is the hardest adjustment, that's the kinds of things I am talking about, just the sheer labor that is involved with caring for two and meeting two little ones' needs more or less at the same time. It has been pretty hard for me to adjust to >the constantness of childrearing as well as the loss of personal freedom >(something I feel very keenly). Uh oh. Maybe I will look back at these >days with #1 as being full of freedom once compared to having two?! I certainly look back on having only one child and think how easy it was relative to having four. However, it's not really easy going through it! I have a six-year space between 3 and 4, so I have gotten to experience having only one baby while having all the knowledge from having had so many, and having lived through the chaos of three toddlers at once, and let me tell you, it was a breeze! Leslie Emily (2/4/91) Jake (1/27/94) Teddy (2/15/95) William (3/5/01 -- VBA3C, 13 lbs. 5 oz.) and Lorelei, expected 11/2/04 "Children come trailing clouds of glory from God, which is their home." ~ William Wordsworth > Hmm. This makes me wonder. #1 *was* a major upheaval and huge > adjustment for me (he was a very planned baby, too), so does that [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > Maybe I will look back at these days with #1 as being full of freedom > once compared to having two?! Nah - the life style change for me going from 0-1 was enormous. I found going from 1-2 much easier. The first year especially since #2 was an easy baby. Getting places and doing things was harder when my youngest was 18 months to nearly 3yo. Partly because he wasn't such an easy toddler, partly because my oldest was not very independent at all yet, and partly because there was a winter in there. I don't do winters very well! -- Nikki Mama to Hunter (5) and Luke (3) > Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? > Alena's almost one, and it's a possibility that we're having our second, but > I've found myself petrified of the idea! > > Is this normal?? I hope it is because even though this was planned, I'm a little afraid. I'm not at all afraid of the labour/delivery because with Maddy it wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected and I *know* I can do it again. What I'm afraid of is looking after two children and one of them being two (she is already starting to have quite the temper!). I've had some friends say two children are "no problem" then there is my best friend who said "it's not twice as hard it's 100 times harder". I hope I'm the "no problem" type of person :o) Nadene > Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? > Alena's almost one, and it's a possibility that we're having our second, but [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > I've just had my 2nd and I was so not excited, thinking how on earth I'd manage with 2 of them, so far it's been easy, emotionally I feel great, sure DD is a bit out of sorts but I am so much more relaxed about things this time round. But hey it's only been 13 days, it all may fall appart any minute I guess. Alissa > Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? > Alena's almost one, and it's a possibility that we're having our second, but > I've found myself petrified of the idea! > > Is this normal??? Yes, it's normal. I can't speak from experience since Jelly Bean will be my first, but I've heard plenty of friends/family express the sentiment. If you really want a second a baby, but the thought gives you the cold sweats, you might look into hypnotherapy. There's an exercise called fear release... Marion edd 10/16/2004 > Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? > Alena's almost one, and it's a possibility that we're having our second, but > I've found myself petrified of the idea! > > Is this normal??? I think it depends on what you're afraid of, precisely. I do think many sorts of fears are normal in this situation. Fortunately, most are groundless ;-) Best wishes, Ericka >Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? >Alena's almost one, and it's a possibility that we're having our second, but >I've found myself petrified of the idea! > >Is this normal??? Sounds normal to me :-) Almost everything about having a second baby freaks me out right now. DS is 7.5 months and is a wonderful, easy baby and, even so, I can't imagine having another one anytime soon. Jill's post pretty much summed up all of my reasons for not being ready - the fears about how to deal with two small kids at once, time management and routines, not being able to give all my attention to DS anymore, etc. I'm also nervous about pregnancy and labour. My pregnancy wasn't too bad but I know how bad I felt during the first trimester and can't imagine going through that with a toddler to deal with. And I still have clear enough memories of labour that I REALLY don't have any urge to do it again soon. I was reading a birth story the other day and it was the first time since DS was born that I had any feeling that I might want to do it again sooner rather than later (incidentally, it was Larry McMahan's story about the birth of his son - beautiful story, Larry, if you're reading this!). I'm pretty certain that I do want another baby. I grew up as an only child and don't regret it so I don't feel any particular need to provide DS with a sibling but I would consider it maybe when he's getting close to school age, or at least pre-school (e.g. 3-4 years old). Katie "Katie" <sphyrapicus@fakeaddress.com> wrote And I still have clear enough memories of labour that I REALLY > don't have any urge to do it again soon. >> I have clear memories, but you know, I know I can handle another labor....what makes me dread it is the fact that I have been SO impatient to heal and get back to "normal"....it seemed like forever for the discharge/(lochia?) to stop. if it was just a dya of labor and then all systems go that would be on thing, but I was stitched up and aching and stinging for weeks, the dissolvable stitches never all dissolved, I had to pull some out!...I still can feel a little sore spot in the perineum area, where those last stitches were and I still get a little achey in my very lower back.... I think I'd agree to have a natural labor, which is something I have NEVER had the intention of having (hence my complaints about my epidural wearing off continually!!)...if somehow they could make that be it, and make it not be 6 weeks of lochia and being sore and tender etc....actually, I bled red for at least 4 weeks, when they told me that the red bloody looking stuff should go away after a week and then it would just be a brown discharge etc. etc. It's been 6 weeks and I still am not fully recovered although I feel fine enough. > I think I'd agree to have a natural labor, which is something I have NEVER > had the intention of having (hence my complaints about my epidural wearing [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > should go away after a week and then it would just be a brown discharge etc. > etc. Idiots. I don't know why "they" keep telling women that ;-) I've always had a solid six weeks of lochia, with more than a week of red bleeding, and it sure seems like most people I've heard from have had similar experiences. At the very least, I don't think they should say that just because it's perfectly normal for it to be more than that! Anyway, while going unmedicated won't shorten the lochia, with the right caregivers it certainly *can* make the recovery easier. I've had three births with *no* stitches whatsoever, and I think that makes a huge difference (and I think that going unmedicated makes a huge difference in your ability to do what you need to do in order not to tear or have an episiotomy). The lochia's annoying, but I think I would mind being in pain much more than lochia. Best wishes, Ericka eek@comcast.net wrote: >The lochia's annoying, but >I think I would mind being in pain much more than lochia. I think stuff like lochia is way more annoying when you're in pain *as well*. If you were feeling fine it would probably not be too big a deal. I know that now that my periods are pretty easy, I mind the actual bleeding far, far less than I used to when I had cramps. --Helen > Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? > Alena's almost one, and it's a possibility that we're having our second, but > I've found myself petrified of the idea! > > Is this normal??? It is. For us, the whole "second baby" shock was softened by foster parenting a newborn for 3 1/2 months. It made me *totally* eager to have one of my own, because it worked so well *despite* the hassles of formula and disposable diapers and daycare. I can't wait to have another baby that I can actually *nurse*. The thing about second babies--you're no longer a novice at handling newborns. You've got an older kid distracting you from staring at the baby every minute wondering when they're going to quit breathing--because you've got living proof in front of you that yes, they do keep breathing... Now my first "baby" just turned 11 yesterday, so that probably reduces my fear somewhat. She was 8 when I did foster parenting. Very different from having two that close together. I'd get a good sling and a good asian-style back carrier, and be prepared to use them a LOT. Jenrose > Is this normal??? I found myself scared each time I got pregnant after having DS. At first there's the excitement, but that immediately changed into "OMG, am I ready for this? What if....". So yes, perfectly normal IMO.  Signature-- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to three tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04 & 20 May'04) guardian of DH (33) >Is it normal to be afraid to have a second baby???? Am I right that you don't mean physically afraid of birth, but afraid of dealing with a second child in addition to your first? I'd say it's normal to be concerned about your ability to cope with two. And it IS a big adjustment--everyone I know with three or more says the biggest adjustment is going from one to two. I know it took me a couple of months to figure out how to divide my attention between them. Number one spent almost all that time lying on the sofa watching Disney movies lent to us by a friend non-stop! But once I figured it out, it became much easier. You can do it! Leslie |
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