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Family Forum / Parenting / Single Parents / June 2006Quick question... about a wedding...
Here's the basic rundown of the situation... Norm's sister is getting married in a couple weeks. We have a family (obviously) invite, and it's a kid friendly, afternoon event without the booze and party that normally can accompany a wedding. Lots of kids and friends and family. Now, here's the extras... The bridal shower is this Saturday afternoon. I got a call last week, I guess it was, from Norm's cousin about the shower. I told her I'd make it. Norm wasn't supposed to work this Saturday, as we had a family reunion out of the city to attend and be at around 3-4 that Saturday. We were going to just stay home and take it easy then follow my parents out there (as neither of us had a clue as to where we'd be going) and my parents were coming back to the city from a different wedding that afternoon, they'd stop by here, we'd pile into the old family station wagon and follow my parents out to this silly reunion. That's the main reason he wasn't going to go to work - we weren't sure what time everything would be going on. When the bridal shower info came in, the plan then changed to I would take off to the shower, he'd stay home with the kids. I'd go for an hour or so, just to show up and be there, then when my parents were back on their way to the city, I'd leave so we could make the other reunion event. Sounded good. Rushed, busy and crazy day, but possible. Finally, MY issue... Should I go to this shower or not? Donna (Mom) is under the impression that I am going to the shower (it's a surprise one). I really see no reason why I should go. At this point, I see no reason for me to go to the wedding. I'm sure the last person Norm wants to see at his sister's wedding is me, and the last person I want to see there is him. His sister and I talk often, but I wouldn't really say we're close and I have reason to go to her wedding... To be honest, I really don't think I *want* to go for so many reasons, yet in a way I do kind of want to go. Again, Donna is still thinking and saying I should go to the shower, and Tammy (sister) is still thinking and telling me to come to the wedding. I told her the other day that I didn't think I was going to make it to the wedding. She told me I have to go, and I told her right up that I wasn't sure if it was a good idea... Nothing like crap being carried over to someone's wedding, and she told me she would make sure that Norm 'behaves' - not sure what that means, but whatever - and that it's all good. I think my biggest fear and concern is that I'll stand around looking like an idiot. "Oh, who's that over there with the little ones?" -Oh, that's just Norm's girlfriend, but sh.t is going on, so I dunno.- I have this horrible feeling that if I -we- do go to this wedding, he'll do things to hurt me - sneak off for a dope fix, ignore me AND the kids completely... I don't want to go there as his undate... I know he would not bring anyone but me, but I also don't believe he would actually bring me. It comes down to that I KNOW he's not cheating or with someone else - no debating that because that's one thing I do know for sure - and I know his sister would not allow for him to bring Random Date #1 along. I know I will be very uncomfortable with the whole situation... Other than Norm, his bro and sis, his mom, step dad and one aunt, I will not know anyone there. So... 1. Would it be wrong to not go or wrong to go? - if I like it or not, she's also the kids' aunt, not that we really see her all that often... 2. Would it be wrong in the case of not going to make up some silly excuse? -this is for the shower AND the wedding... (shower excuse - sorry, I have other plans and no sitter to attend the shower, and I'm not in the mood to deal with little ones right now) 3. Should I just talk to Tammy or Donna (sis or mom) and tell them straight up what I think and feel? Just outwardly say that because Norm and I can't get our act together, I don't think I should go, I don't want to be standing around by myself (with the kids) not knowing anyone and pretty much feeling left out... Should I tell her that I'm downright uncomfortable until Norm and I can find a middle ground with eachother and the kids and our thoughts/feelings/views/wants/needs/etc. - but in that case, I don't really want his mom or sister hounding HIM to get his act together just so I will come along with the kids to her wedding... This is, IMSO, something that Norm needs to do on his own, and to be honest, if for the next 2 weeks a small, slight change is shown, I would probably consider going (with him) with no problems at all... But, that is something that I do not want pushed on him, as I know for a fact that others telling him what he should or shouldn't do, or needs or need not do, is going to push him further away - I do know him very well and I do know how he thinks... I also don't want to put the kids in an awkward situation, moreso than myself... I'm really kind of stuck on this one, and I'm definitely being pulled in 2 directions all at once... > Here's the basic rundown of the situation... > Norm's sister is getting married in a couple weeks. We have a family [quoted text clipped - 81 lines] > I'm really kind of stuck on this one, and I'm definitely being pulled in 2 > directions all at once... I'd definitly go, reason it this way, if there was a wedding or event and they hadnt even thought of you how would you feel then? Go because she invited you, not him, she is auntie already and one day she could go through the same things you're going through today, might be she may need your help one day when things are settled an sorted with Norm? might be a year or never, but she wants a family too? Not everyone on his side of the family is a wuss. cousins will get along even if there been a family wrangle "adults are such a pain, why don't they just forget it so we can get along with our own lives" When your own children get married, when theres a christening who do you think they'd invite? Norms future alone aint so bright without you now, and if he leaves you're head of his clan (your brood). Hold your head up and show your face, it won't be your shame, it'll be a shame he is such a... well some men are just like that arn't they? ask if she will be needing any help, we always forget some importat details or touch just before our big events ;) hugs, Miri <snip> >> I'm really kind of stuck on this one, and I'm definitely being pulled in >> 2 [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > was a wedding or event and they hadnt even thought of > you how would you feel then? Hm... Maybe you're right... I did feel like total garbage when, in March, it was his brother's birthday, and we were all invited out to lunch for his birthday, and Norm simply said he did not want us to go. Basically, we weren't "allowed" to go. That made me feel pretty bad, but the fact that no one questioned HIM made me feel even worse. Neither his mom, sister or brother said a thing, it was like they didn't really care either way. To this day, I think Norm told them that *I* didn't want to go. He said he told them that he didn't want us to go. Either way, I really don't care. It surely seemed like whatever was said to explain why we (kids and I) weren't there was accepted and just fine. No one asked me a thing or spoke about it after. > Go because she invited you, not him, she is auntie > already and one day she could go through the same > things you're going through today, might be she may > need your help one day when things are settled an > sorted with Norm? might be a year or never, but she > wants a family too? Well, of her 6 daughters, only 3 will actually speak to her or see her (they're all between about 11 and 18, I think) and they've only wanted to visit with her the last couple years. I do believe that she's got others she would go to a lot faster than she'd ever approach me. She abandoned all of her kids long ago, she seems to almost have done that with us, as we never see her. What I don't understand is that if she wanted us to be a part of her life, why doesn't she call or stop by or ask us to come over? I kind of got tired of always being the one to say, "hey, you guys busy on this day?" I got tired of always going over there. > Not everyone on his side of the family is a wuss. No, just his brother and sister are both deadbeat parents, his mother feels and believes that it's alright for a 3 year old to associate the smell of pot with his dad, and so much more. > cousins will get along even if there been a family wrangle > "adults are such a pain, why don't they just forget > it so we can get along with our own lives" When your > own children get married, when theres a christening who > do you think they'd invite? We don't know any of the cousins. There's a total of 9 girls between his brother and sister - all 10 and up - and out of those 9 girls, we've met 3 of them a couple times. On Christmas morning at his mom's house, the only one that got Brandon and Amie presents was Grandma and those 3 cousins that we met a couple times got them something as well. That's it, yet we got a little something for everyone that was going to be there. Their awesome aunt and uncle didn't even think of either kid, and when Norm's brother started handing out $20 bills to the kids, I told him straight that we do not want his money, as he gave $20 for A but not for B. I did not think that was right at all. You just simply cannot hand out money or something to everyone and exclude one or two, especially when that one of two are siblings. Donna (mom) was the only one from that side that came to B's birthday in January, yet we were the first ones his sister called when she needed help moving from out of the city all the way into the city and across it. > Norms future alone aint so bright without you now, and > if he leaves you're head of his clan (your brood). Hold your [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > forget some importat details or touch just before our big > events ;) I was asked if I was any good with doing flower arrangements. I told them I was not (why would I lie?) but I said I would definitely do what I can and offer some help. I think that was on Mother's Day when we went there for breakfast, and when I said I really wasn't good, but I don't mind trying or offering a hand, Norm piped up that I didn't even want to go to the wedding. At that point, I had been upset and told Norm that I probably wouldn't be able to find a babysitter for the kids, and I was hurt that he went and wasted a lot of money on garbage that previous weekend when he went missing when he knew we had to haul some stuff off that I could not lift alone, and he went out "shopping" with his brother and sister, I guess the story goes, for clothes for the wedding, yet he knew I wanted us to go together to pick out something for us both to wear that could kind of match. > hugs, > > Miri In ways, I do want to attend, but in others, I really don't want to. I just feel that in the end, something bad will happen (I'll be totally ignored not knowing anyone there, there will be some kind of scene - the last think I know I'd want at *my* wedding, or whatever the case may be...) Sometimes I feel that I'm invited because it's expected. *We* have a family reunion - Norm's supposed to be included with this, and I know people will ask - tomorrow. Obviously he's not going to come, as no one's heard from him, so I know he's not going to call up or show up because of this reunion thing... > <snip> > >> I'm really kind of stuck on this one, and I'm definitely being pulled in [quoted text clipped - 97 lines] > him, so I know he's not going to call up or show up because of this reunion > thing... Well, of all things, I'll tell you that when you have a deep feeling about something stick to it, especially the case when you're pregnant - something precious in it, safety instinct maybe? dunno, can't see it ever being wrong when you're preggers - never had myself it at any other time like when I was. Kates right. >Here's the basic rundown of the situation... >Norm's sister is getting married in a couple weeks. We have a family [quoted text clipped - 81 lines] >I'm really kind of stuck on this one, and I'm definitely being pulled in 2 >directions all at once... tell them that it's the bride-to-be's day and you'd have to have it ruined by unnecessary drama and then stay home. > Here's the basic rundown of the situation... > Norm's sister is getting married in a couple weeks. We have a family [quoted text clipped - 84 lines] > I'm really kind of stuck on this one, and I'm definitely being pulled in 2 > directions all at once... Go with number three -- the truth in this situation would only help matters with the sister and mom -- I'm sure once they realize how you feel they will understand >> Here's the basic rundown of the situation... >> Norm's sister is getting married in a couple weeks. We have a family [quoted text clipped - 88 lines] > matters with the sister and mom -- I'm sure once they realize how you feel > they will understand Yea, I think I'll just talk to Donna and all that... Not his sister, as that might be a bit hard. I find she's easier to talk to, but this is *her* wedding and all, and I dunno... I'll start with calling his mom about the shower tomorrow and just tell her how it is. Simple as that. Then tell her right now, I feel the same way about the wedding and see if she has anything to say or suggest? >>> Here's the basic rundown of the situation... >>> Norm's sister is getting married in a couple weeks. We have a family [quoted text clipped - 96 lines] > Then tell her right now, I feel the same way about the wedding and see if > she has anything to say or suggest? That sounds perfect... I'm pretty sure if you just laid it on the line they'll understand - Unless there's not a lick of common sense in them and if here's not the the hell with them LOL |
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