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Family Forum / Parenting / Single Parents / October 2006Help???
I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years. I've known for awhile that our marriage isnt going to last. My husband is Bipolar, and my health problems, its difficult to even think of being intimate. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride he puts me on. He is moodier than any woman. If we seperate, how do you support 2 children on 8dollars an hour? That wont even pay rent. What things do i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown? Debi > I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years. I've known for awhile that > our marriage isnt going to last. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown? > Debi This is a forum of people who are knowledgeable about being single parents - not about the law. Find yourself a lawyer (and a better job) >I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years. I've known for awhile that >our marriage isnt going to last. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown? >Debi Responsible adults don't leap into the unknown. They research, plan, and wait until the unknown is a lot less scary. If you can't earn at least 200% above poverty level, then you need a GED and job training. There is one exception. If you are being abused or if you feel you may abuse your husband or children, then you must leave. I've been thinking on this post........I have too much time on my hands <smile> > I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years. You got married young, so did I, same age I believe. Had our first daughter at age 21. We lasted 5 years actually living in the same household. It was abusive and I should have known , because it was before we were married, I got pregnant and *We* did what we thought was the right thing. Young and scared, both of us I am sure. >I've known for awhile that > our marriage isnt going to last. How long is a while? > My husband is Bipolar, and my health problems, its difficult to even > think of being intimate. Physical intimacy can be nice, it's nice and is a nice compliment to a good relationship but if you are putting it above an emotional and spiritual intimacy or connection with someone, all you have is sex and thats really empty. Marriage vows include the words "In sickness and in health" If the sickness of your spouse creates an abuse towards yourself or children,I personally feel it ok to break that vow. >I'm tired of the roller coaster ride he puts > me on. He is moodier than any woman. I don't know about this statement , there are quite a few women out there that put there partners through PMS and Menapausal psychosis, which is quite the ride in many a relationship! I have a daughter that has a mental health diagnosis/disability, I want to believe and hope as well that one day she will be able to connect with someone and have a relationship. I have told her that I feel her chances are good as long as she is honest with the other person from the start about her illness. I also think if you commit yourself to someone and they become ill after the commitment was made, unless you are being abused or your children are abused you don't abandon the commitment. I do not think much of people that jump ship when thier partners get sick. Where's the love in that? > If we seperate, how do you support > 2 children on 8dollars an hour? That wont even pay rent. Good question and you do indeed need to ask *yourself * this question and if there is no immediate need to run from abuse think really hard on it. 8 bucks is not a lot and although there is help out there to help you get on your feet, it is a very long hard road, been there and done it and will always respect and remember it. As someone else has said think about schooling and training to better your income possibilities and I think if you focus your thinking and energy on that you may feel better about yourself which in return may help your relationship at the same time. If after all is said and done and the relationship still does not improve you will be ready to know and accept you did your best ,you tried your best and moving on will be better for all involved and disreguard my thoughts if anyone is being abused ! In that case get out! >What things do > i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown? > Debi Bev <I got a pocket full of pennies! > <grin> You should make an appointment with your GP, your family doctor. Talk about your health problems, but also talk about the health problems your husband has, and see if your doc can recommend a family therapist. You and your two children need to be in counseling even if your husband won't agree to it. A parent's first duty is to protect the children. If your health or your husband's bi-polar issues are making your children unhappy, you need to deal with that. Is your husband on medications? Some of the first steps towards being single: know your family finances. Decide how and where you're going to leave -- can you go to family? Will your husband leave? Do some research into scholarships and grants, see if you can go back to school. You can't support a family on $8/hour. These days, you can't do it on $20/hour! Make a plan. How are you going to make ends meet? Where are you going to live? Where will the children go to school/daycare? How do you manage the mechanics of getting to school/work/aftercare? How can you improve yourself to get a better job that pays more? I wish you luck. I got onto an airplane with four 70 pound suitcases, a 3 year old, and $400 in my pocket. No home, no job, just the sure knowledge that I was going somewhere that I had the support I needed. Christina http://solomother.com > I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years. I've known for awhile that > our marriage isnt going to last. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown? > Debi I really liked your response... just a few questions, though. On 21 Oct 2006 05:45:05 -0700, "Solomother" <christina.ann.zola@gmail.com> the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: >You should make an appointment with your GP, your family doctor. Talk >about your health problems, but also talk about the health problems [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > >A parent's first duty is to protect the children. I absolutely agree with you that a parent's first duty is to protect the children, however... >If your health or >your husband's bi-polar issues are making your children unhappy, you >need to deal with that. ... unhappy. I wouldn't go out to make them unhappy but there are times when they, in their little worlds, are going to be unhappy... and parents should let them try to work it out for themselves, within limits, within reason. There are certainly times to intervene... school problems, problems with adults, bullies, or prolonged unhappiness should be addressed. There are situations that should not be interfered with. Fleeting unhappiness, like when a toy is lost or broken, is something children need to learn to deal with in this sometimes frustrating world. Also, mental illness is illness. What of the commitment to the marriage, "in sickness and in health?" >Is your husband on medications? > [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] >Christina >http://solomother.com I enjoyed your website! It's helpful, heartfelt, and interesting. You're a very good writer. 'Kate Thanks, this reply was winged off in haste, with not enough info about the situation... and trying to respect the humanity of a person struggling with mental illness. So, let's see. I was dancing around the issue of whether the bipolar is causing any physical or mental harm to the children, the wife, and I know it causes great distress in the husband... which is what I was ultimately trying to say when I wrote that a parent's first duty is to protect the children (read: from bodily or mental harm). A disfunctional family dealing with what might be an un- or under-medicated mental condition is a family in crisis, risking reprocussions that will last years. Which is why I strongly hope that counseling is in the works. I agree, you can't and shouldn't protect your child from every little thing. Folks look at me in askance sometimes when I let my kid do something that might cause him bodily harm (walking on a wall, supervised but not holding his hand.) I allow him to explore things that might cause him some harm, but won't kill him. I let him learn from his choices and his mistakes. Unhappy was a euphamism for the bone-crushing hell that dealing with a disfunctional parent can impose on children, spouses, family. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. I know from which I speak. Again, counseling can help the family work through this phase, work through the mother's exhaustion, disappointment, bitterness. Help the father determine a path of medication/counseling that will set him back on his feet. Help the children see that this is not about them, they did nothing to cause this, they are blameless and allowed all the mixed feelings this difficult situation will bring up in them. As for marriage vows, I agonized over that one before my breakup. A Muslim friend of mine put it so well: promises in marriage are to be kept by both parties. Your husband did not keep his promise to you, even though you tried to keep your promises to him. Love and marriage cannot survive unless both keep their promises. I could not stay married, if my husband had done the things yours did. The husband has an obligation to his family, his self, his marriage, to be well. He must try his utmost to heal, and his family must be supportive. If he cannot manage his disease, if his disease is causing damage to his children, then the mother has an obligation to remove those children from the damage and help THEM heal. more like my $2.00 than 2 cents. Thanks, Kate. Thanks very much for reading all this and all that on http://solomother.com Best, Christina On 22 Oct 2006 08:29:02 -0700, "Solomother" <christina.ann.zola@gmail.com> the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: >Thanks, this reply was winged off in haste, with not enough info about >the situation... and trying to respect the humanity of a person [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] >Best, >Christina Awesome post, Christina. I especially liked what you wrote about marriage promises, the limits of honoring one's commitment, and the obligation to the children. I think you were right to ask about how the illnesses (both medical and mental) affect the children. I only though to respond to the question asked... how do you support two children on $8. an hour. I often get short on time, too. > On 22 Oct 2006 08:29:02 -0700, "Solomother" > <christina.ann.zola@gmail.com> the following was posted in blue dry [quoted text clipped - 60 lines] > asked... how do you support two children on $8. an hour. I often get > short on time, too. 8/hour?? You better get lots of gov. help, that's how. I have different feelings about dealing with Bi-polar and other mental disorders. (I think we have been here before.) I admire anyone willing to handle that situation. Yes, in sickness and health. Do you think a women should stay with a man who becomes a drug addict, which is considered by some to be an illness? Do you think its ok to raise a child around a drug user so that the kid can see this drug use first hand? This is in interesting situation, I don't know what to say. I think we all have to follow our hearts and intuitions and not just stay in a marriage because we should, as defined by society. If you can't handle the situation, get out. But don't get out until you can support that decision on your own. That means financially too. Kate always has a great view. Listen to her! She is our resident counselor. :) |
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