Family Forum / Parenting / Single Parents / January 2004

<snip>

The past year and a bit have been hectic, moves, travel, and I've taken that
into account. She had to change schools and friends, which hurt me to do,
but necessary. At the same time, the 'friends' I took her from were not all
a very good influence, and the neighborhood was not the best. The rural
community is safer. I was sensitive to her not making friends as easily here
as she has in the past, but seeing some of her behavior consistently over
the past six months makes me understand a bit why she's not been accepted
very well. Her attitude sucks! She treats the kids much like she acts
generally ... she's the princess, they are the servants. And she
manipulates. It's subtle but its there. Kids tend to pick up this type of
thing subconsciously anyway, and this age group instinctively works out a
'pecking order' ... especially the girls. I got wise when, at every school
she's ever attended, the worst enemy she claims seems to be the one(s) she
considers the most popular. Then she sets up her own battlefield, subtle
manipulation. So this is something she is creating, and I've talked at
length with her about it, and it was raised in a conversation when talking
with the school counselor. The friend thing is going to have to work itself
out. I've offered to open the house for 'friend night' for kids to come play
board games, etc. (we have lots of movies). All she has to do is get names
and phone numbers. She won't do it. She expects me to hunt these people down
and serve them up. I won't.

As far as her being 'injured' the closest thing with that would be her
relationship with her dad. A strong contibuting factor for our move to this
place with more difficult access. She has a LOT of anger toward him because
of what he has done and still does. He alienated his family almost
immediately after the marriage (long story). Basically, they won't talk to
her unless he is with her. They won't call my house (in case I answer the
phone). She stopped sending cards and letters long ago because they never
responded, or filtered everything thru him. It's really sick, and he's
maintained a lot of lies for over 10 years that he can't emotionally be
truthful about or risk his credibility with them. It doesn't hurt me
anymore, but its tearing her apart. Add to that the fact that he is 4th
generation asian, but asian, and she is half. In California, with so much
diversity, this wasn't a problem; in the midwest in smaller areas, it is
more so. I know she has a lot of loneliness due to this at a time she really
needs it, but her dad refuses to help her with it. I took her to China for a
month two years ago, and not a single member of his family bothered to
contact us ... I think he stopped it, or didn't tell them we were going. I
also had the opportunity to speak to a number of chinese about his behavior
... it is NOT typical chinese. In their words, it's sick! Back to passive
aggressive personality.

As far as the reward vs. punishment. WE have tried them all. This kid has
always had everything she ever wanted/needed. $$ has rarely been an issue
for her. The real problem has been that, because she is attractive (asian
mix kids are very pretty), adults have interfered with things I've expected
of her. "Oh, you sweet thing. That's too hard for you. Let your mom do it!"
type of thing. "Mom says you can't have that? Oh SURE you can." I didn't
figure that one out until we traveled overseas. Amazing the number of
Americans who will walk up and talk to a child and ignore the parent. I
stopped THAT fast when I realized it!

I know she's lonely, and not happy with the situation as it is. But she also
is stubborn and thinks she can wait me out. Not this time. It's cost me too
much in $$ and energy to go back to letting her get by with it. If she
doesn't learn the lesson, so be it. She can choose her lifestyle when she
turns 18.

BTW, when I joined a community organization that my grandmother used to
belong to, and she found out the meetings did not include non-members (and
members must be 18 to join), she called her dad and told him I was dumping
her ... abandoning her. Guess that tells how much of a social life I've had
in 10 years.

Right now I'm trying to get her to use a WRITTEN task list daily. She always
has the excuse "You didn't tell me that!" ... Since I've kept records of
everything I tell her, that's been a surprise for her too. I cannot believe
the ways she can try to work out of a chore or situation! For THAT I'll
start a thread!

Thanks for the encouragement!
beneng@newsguy.com

Sorry to jump in here, and top posting too (double sin, 40 lashes with a wet
noodle)........

As another 'survivor' of a passive aggressive, it sounds a bit to me as though
the daughter here may be sharing some of the same tendencies........
and I'm not so sure that passive aggressive is a learned behavior anymore than
brain-chemical depression is a learned behavior......

step back for a minute:

The refusal to "do"...... letting it sit until someone else steps in and does
it...... and then no please or thank you, because after all, they didn't
actually ASK you to do it.......

Sounds P-A, doesn't it?

The manipulative behaviors, including the silent treatment until they get their
way........

Sounds P-A, doesn't it?

The focus on the self-satisfaction, and ignoring everything else as an
irritation........

Sounds P-A, doesn't it?

It may be worth considering....... and it's extremely difficult to raise a kid
who's P-A..... one of my two showed some of the same tendencies........

I've found that what seems to work best is to not let yourself get sucked into
the manipulative behaviors....... if they don't 'do', it won't get done.......
and when this starts impacting the things they WANT done, it starts to get
through....

Hope this helps