Family Forum / Parenting / Single Parents / April 2004

On 15 Apr 2004 10:24:07 GMT, bebelestrnge0721@aol.com (Bebelestrnge0721)

We will get a small break... the kids and I are going to summer school.
I have to take two grad school classes over the summer so that I can
apprentice in the Fall at the school clinic (with a licensed therapist
by my side).  I'll have a three week break before and after summer
classes and they'll have about a two week break before and three week
break after theirs.  Mike is taking his last PE class so that he'll be a
full-fledged Senior with all the rights and privileges in the Fall.
He'll be the  youngest HS grad in the family (16) when he graduates in
May '05. Lisa wants to take Sports Medicine during the summer in prep
for HS so that she can fit Band and Teen Leadership into her freshman
schedule.  I think this qualifies us as an abnormal family.  Thankfully,
we don't have to be normal... just functional.  :-)  

My niece was a singer at that age.  Her parents were thrilled because
they both play guitar. Babies are so sweet.  I'm glad you're enjoying
the time with her.

'Kate

Yuh. But then again, I guess I'm not the only one. I guess I'd better
stay with the programme.

Tonight she was ...sad. She feels sad. She has an FM system...it's
like a hearing aid, but the teacher wears a microphone and what the
teacher says is directly into her ear. Helps with auditory processing
stuff...whatever. I can go on for hours on that stuff; I've actually
been paid to do so. But anyway. What the teacher says into the mike,
she hears. Teacher steps out of the room today, but forgets to turn
off the mike. T....T's been dyslexic all her life. She's fighting an
eating disorder, she's struggling with the aftermath of rape, she's
coped with more in her sixteen years than most of us ever will. And
she's *highly* sensitive to being called stupid...due to having been
called stupid and bullied as stupid for years. Anyway. Teacher forgets
to turn off the mike and reports to whoever he's talking to, in the
hall, projected directly to T's ear...."I hate working with this
class. It's a really slow class, they're just awful." Right after
that, a supposed friend MSN'd her to tell her that she has too many
'problems' and her mother thinks I give her too much freedom and
therefore doesn't want her to hang out with T. 'Course, the fact that
T has never once been intoxicated or on drugs to my knowledge and has
rescued this friend from both at least twice, once involving the
friend's alcohol poisoning....the fact that T is terrified of sexual
contact and the friend is sexually active and unprotected, and the
fact that T talks to me about what is happening and phones me hourly
when out with buddies at night ant the friend's mother clearly is
terrified because her kid doesn't report in...none of that is taken
into account....I told T that the friend's mother's opinion was
probably rather more of a judgement on my parenting than on her as a
person, and that the friend probably reports events a bit differently
to her mother than with complete accuracy, and that while we were
talking, I wonder if her friend and her mother were also talking,
because T seems to turn to family for support and said friend seems to
turn to other teens....anyway....

First she was mad. Then she was sad. Then she felt hopeless. Then we
talked for ages....not that we hadn't been...she called me at work on
her cell from the bathroom, and we talked then, and intermittently
thereafter....after we talked this evening...she seemed to pick up a
bit. I ...what do you do? The world sucks, sometimes. I told her
facts. I told her that kids with dyslexia are more at risk for drug
abuse, depression, suicide, dropping out, alcohol abuse, delinquency.
Kids who are bullied are more at risk for all of the above, except, I
think, delinquency. Kids with histories of violent sexual assault are
more at risk for all of the above, but adding promiscuity. I said to
her....you don't drink. You don't do drugs. You're not sexually
active. You're still in school. You haven't broken any laws. Yeah,
hell, sure, you've got problems. You've got an eating disorder and
you're struggling with finding your way. Why in hell wouldn't you be?
You're okay. You're going to win. You know what's not working and
you're taking steps to fix it. You're showing commitment to your
goals. You're talking to me, you're doing therapy voluntarily, and
you're buying into the support that's on offer. And most of all,
through everything, no matter what, no matter how awful it's been,
you've NEVER been deliberately cruel. Even at y our very worst times,
you always stuck up for the underdog. I listed specific examples. I
said....you never lost sight of you. These other things...these are
things you can fix. They're things you can get on top of. But
you...you haven't lost you.

She heard me, some. She felt better, some. It was my mother's birthday
and she got into bringing the cake and the gift and all.

But oh, how she needs a break. And me too. I'm tired. I'm running out
of steam.

But you know, all of the things that have happened to me....that
everyone says...wow, that's awful...stuff like that...all of it except
losing the house to the mill strike, has happened to T. And believe
me, she was party to the stress when I lost the house. So if I'm
having a hard time, and I'm 45.5, and she's been through all the same
things, and she's 16, why in hell wouldn't she be having a hard time?

So yeah. We're getting tired. But as long as she's standing, I'm
standing, you know?

Heh. Yeah, actually, almost everyone I know did things that way. But I
had this sense that once they got a job, if I took away their paltry
little allowance, it was kind of penalizing them for working. So I
didn't. However, their allowances were expected to cover *everything*
optional, and there were *no* extras...they paid for their own movies,
treats, trips with buddies, whatever.

One of the things that affects the clothing and personal effects issue
is child support. My children's father pays fair child support, which
I believe is entirely to be spent on them. So things like clothing and
personal effects, were a part of that. I always felt that it was very
important that there be no doubt his money went to his children. And
I'm sure that affected some of my decisions. In our agreement, CS ends
when they turn 19 or when they graduate from their undergrad degree 4
years or fewer from HS grad, whichever comes first. I don't like that
much, now I'm there, because it kind of penalises the kid who can't go
on due to various issues, but fortunately it doesn't matter, because
he's not the kind of guy to do that, and that kid will get supported
emotionally and financially as needed to get on her feet as well, from
both him and me, so it's not personally an issue. But it could be, if
parents were into using kids as weapons and all that.

Geez, am I digressing. Somebody smack me. Sheesh.

Yeah. Tonight, though, she needed lots of reminders that there's a
future, it's better, and she's equal to it. But we'll make it. She's
so strong. That strength...I wonder what she'd've done with it if she
*hadn't* gone through all this crap. Then again, maybe it'll
eventually be what galvanises her to more. Who knows?

I just loved this. When I read that, I laughed right out loud. Who
cares is starting to be a bit of a mantra in my mind, on some topics.

Who does, actually, care? LOL

Ah hell, mostly, I guess it is. But it's damned hard work and it
surely does get old.

Heh. :-)

Yeah. I think that's where I'm at. We're holding our own. Barely.
Tenuous grasp. But we are. And, trite as it may be, you'll know what I
mean when I mention...where there's life, there's hope....

Absolutely. Just tonight, in talking with T....I said...you feel
bad..you feel like you're not getting anywhere...but think where you
were a year ago. Where were you two years ago? Under the hospital
sink. Certainly not in school. Where were you three years ago? You
hadn't even disclosed. You hadn't even started on the path to healing.
Now, you're right down to the last big ones...you've sought help for
what you know isn't working...you're in the process of getting that
help...we have a plan in place, we know where we're going and we know
it's a good plan. You're going to make it, because, you've made it so
far. And she could hear me. It's the memories that make today seem so
much better. The snapshot would suck, but the context does help.

Oh yeah.

And we soldier on. Because we can, but also, because we choose to.
Because it's better to choose to, than to choose not to. Much, much
better.

And it matters, that we make that choice. I do believe it matters.

Be well Kate. Talk to you soon.

Cele

Thanks, Tiffany. I'll take all the positive thoughts I can get.

Take care of yourself.

Cele

LOL !  And you don't  have to pee every 15 minutes.  So, what we need up
here is more encouragement for the Feds to not cave to external political
pressure and ffffiiiinnnnaaaaalllllllllyyyyyy decriminalize pot.  That, or
I'm moving to BC.

Oh, and while we're at it, could we get a petition to fire the frickin
weather man in Ontario?  Bonehead.  Sunny and 20 C my a.s.

Lisa

Nowhere near wise and strong enough, though. But I do appreciate the
vote of confidence. I know I won't run and hide, because if I was
going to, I'd've surely done it by now. [wry smile]

Yeah, I know you're right. Kids always do that, don't they? Maybe not
always, but more than often. LOL Good reality check. Thanks. :-)

Heh. I'm the ticket queen! If I don't pay 'em within seven days they,
like, triple in cost. And of course, I can't pay 'em in seven days due
to my having gone to got D and having driven around a corner int he
middle of the night on the Alaska Highway, into a boulder, which took
out both right tires. As a result, I had to go backwards 130 km with a
friendly semi driver, pay astronomical callout fees, buy two new
tires, get back to the car, replace the bloody tires in the middle of
the small hours, and carry on, totalling an extra $400, which is
pretty much the end of the emergency cash, and so...oh, you get the
picture.

Heh, Today, which is my mother's birthday, and also, [ahem] Hitler's
birthday, is 4/20, which, for those of you not currently either a teen
or raising one or recently having been one, is also ...something like,
International Marijuana Day...or something....LMAO....I
figure...having just spent a week in hospital with T while she got her
appendix out unexpectedly, it's not weed that's the big threat. But
lordy lordy, if they ever put that demerol into six packs in the
liquour store.....you can all give up on me now.

Heh.

Take care.

Cele