Family Forum / Parenting / Single Parents / April 2004

"hdbabe"  wrote in message ...

Who in the what now??
Forget him.  Obviously something is up.  He's not willing, able or wanting
to tell you.   A relationship should not be so one sided.  Go find someone
who's willing to accept you for who and what you are, and for who and what
your son is as well.

There's no future in this relationship, you've already exposed your son to
getting attached to someone who is not going to be around.  Stop bringing your
son to sleepovers.  Stop inviting the boyfriend over.  If you want to spend
time in a relationship that is going nowhere that's your business but keep your
kid out of it.

Next time, don't expose your kid to sleepovers.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

On Thu, 22 Apr 2004 00:37:51 -0400, "hdbabe" <esimas35@nospam.yahoo.com>

Most relationships start with the hope of a future.  If they didn't,
what would be the sense?  Whether that future happens depends on the
course of the relationship.  Neither of  you is tied to the other...
you're in it because you're enjoying it and it fills a need.  Is his
need "convenient sex and companionship?".... given that you both have
children and are limited by that alone.  It's also your common interest.
Is that all there is?  

You're equating comfortable at your home with comfortable with you.
That may or may not be the case.  Several reasons come to mind:

It's eaiser for him to have you over there and he doesn't mind
inconveniencing you.  This is not good.  

The child he is caring for comes with rules that affect the behavior of
the caretaker.  This may be an indication of his ability to commit.
This would be good if he can learn to put you first when he commits.

Men are afraid of losing their independence in any relationship.  They
feel as if they'll be swallowed up by it.. consumed.  Going to your
place would make him feel less independent.  His turf makes him safe.
This is a temporary relationship issue. It may or may not go away on its
own.

The child that he has care of comes before both you and your child.
Probably as it should.  He won't inconvenience that child for you or
yours.  How he treats your child may portend the future with this man.
This would not be good for your child and you would grow to resent his
favoritism.  It's normal for him to love his child best but unless he
can grow to love yours as much... not good.

And now for the editorial: Eighteen months is the edge of the commitment
window.  I get the feeling that if you pressure him, he will end the
relationship.  I'm fairly sure you know that. I don't like hearing that
you're shuffling your child from place to place.  His needs should come
first and that includes being able to sleep in his own bed.

You could purposefully misunderstand why he won't bring his child to
spend the night and ask him to pay for a bed for the child so that you
can share the shuffling duty.  It'd be interesting to hear his answer. I
suspect that he'll refuse.

You could get a sitter for your child and stop spending the whole night.
If you pull back and he doesn't take a step forward, your course will be
clearer.

Good luck.. and stop shuffling the kid around.  

'Kate

I personally think it is inappropriate for you to be staying over with your
child at a boyfriends house, with his child.  If this were an engaged couple,
the problems should have worked themselves out. I mean occasional, maybe
vacation.  But think about the ramifications on your child when the
relationship dissolves.  It is unfair to him or her and all too convienient
for the adult.
Remember: Milk, cow , free.
Just my opinion.
V