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Family Forum / Parenting / Single Parents / April 2004adult sons - help!!!!
Hi, I hope someone can give me some advice as I am at the end of my tether. Eldest son, aged 24, hard manual job, only baths once or twice a week. I told him he didn't smell very sweet. Response - 'So?' He went on to say that no-one else complains. He does nothing around the house...claims he's 'knackered'. Smokes pot. Second son, aged 17. No job and in no immediate hurry to get one. Does very little around the house. Smokes pot. Have given him four weeks to get a job, he hasn't had a proper job yet, attended college for a few weeks then packed it in. He just doesn't seem bothered. Smokes pot. The youngest has Asperger's, he's adorable but demanding. All the more reason for his older brothers to be more thoughtful. Lastly I am trying to revise for my finals which start on the 24th May. I have the seventeen year old at home all day and the others from 4pm onwards. There is always noise and distraction. I feel like taking the youngest and running away. My boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) reckons I should kick the pair of them out.  SignatureRegards, -=Shelley=- On Thu, 22 Apr 2004 20:11:52 +0100, "Shelley" <shells63_@hotmail.com> >Hi, I hope someone can give me some advice as I am at the end of my tether. >Eldest son, aged 24, hard manual job, only baths once or twice a week. I [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] >I feel like taking the youngest and running away. My boyfriend (who doesn't >live with me) reckons I should kick the pair of them out. I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick you out and I seriously wonder how your disabled child is going to make it in the world when you have no idea how to teach discipline and hard work... long-term rewards. You need parenting classes.. fast. It's probably too late for the older two. Tell them to straighten up, get the dope out of the house, or you're calling the cops. If the 17 year old doesn't have that job within the month, he needs to go. If they don't like it, they can leave now. Life's tough.. they need to face the music because you haven't done your job. Finals are the least of your problems. 'Kate > I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've > totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > 'Kate Well thank you for your valuable comments. I have done the best job I could do under the circumstances, but 'pot' came along. It has affected my son's friends too, from different backgrounds yet still with similar problems. I know I am not the perfect mother but your comments about my kids kicking me out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack couldn't ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the kids. > > I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've > > totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack couldn't > ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the kids. It's called, "DISCIPLINE" and it's something that you surely lack and have passed the lack of it on to your children. Your children need to come first before you, ESPECIALLY your youngest who has special needs. Forget about you, you, you for a moment. Pot doesn't just 'come along' like a stray dog following you while you're on your daily 2 mile walk every day. Your household lacks discipline and you need some help. Help is often a good thing and should be sought before it's too late. Bla bla bla. I have to get to work. Stop and take a look around, and do what I did when I caught both my younger brothers, both teenagers, with drugs. Tell them you're going to 'rat them out' (might be in their own language that way) or that its the drugs that leave or they do. Get the cops involved if you must, and really consider your parenting style, ESPECIALLY if you really do believe that Miss Mary Jane just walked into the lives of your 2 eldest sons and swept them off their feet last week, last month, whatever. Ignorance. Shake your head. You have no one to blame but yourself. Get control of your children, even the oldest who is of age. SignatureA: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text. Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing? A: Top-posting. Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet? > It's called, "DISCIPLINE" and it's something that you surely lack and have > passed the lack of it on to your children. Your children need to come first [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > You have no one to blame but yourself. Get control of your children, even > the oldest who is of age. My youngest child is my priority, above and beyond myself and his older brothers and anything and everything else because that's the way it should be. I came on here for advice and found myself being judged and sentenced by people who don't even know me. Of the people that do know me, they have no criticism except that I should be a bit firmer. However I am not a walkover. I am tempted to throw the two older kids out but can't bring myself to take such extreme action, and came on here hoping for softer options. Maybe there are none, but that is no reason to criticise me. I am told all the time that I matter too because I am exhausted. Apart from the kids I have a disabled mother I help to care for with my bother. I don't think of myself, so I'm told, nearly enough. I am studying to make a better life for all of us, but that doesn't seem to matter. I guess the other people on here are just too perfect to identify with my dysfunctional family. On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 15:15:29 +0100, "Shelley" <shells63_@hotmail.com> >> It's called, "DISCIPLINE" and it's something that you surely lack and have >> passed the lack of it on to your children. Your children need to come [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] >be. I came on here for advice and found myself being judged and sentenced by >people who don't even know me. We've seen 'em all, and many were quite like you. You're not unique. >Of the people that do know me, they have no >criticism except that I should be a bit firmer. However I am not a walkover. >I am tempted to throw the two older kids out but can't bring myself to take >such extreme action, and came on here hoping for softer options. You didn't take the steps to be firm when they were young and you can't do it now. You don't have a spine. You're a doormat. >Maybe there >are none, but that is no reason to criticise me. I am told all the time that >I matter too because I am exhausted. Yes, you should matter. But you're too busy giving it all so that you appear to be "the perfect parent". You've bent over backwards and give and give.... doormat. What would have helped is for you to stand up for yourself and what is right but you didn't. You caved. >Apart from the kids I have a disabled >mother I help to care for with my bother. I don't think of myself, so I'm >told, nearly enough. I am studying to make a better life for all of us, but >that doesn't seem to matter. I guess the other people on here are just too >perfect to identify with my dysfunctional family. No... you're the one who doesn't like what you're reading. Oh well. You wouldn't listen to your friends' helpful HINTS... to take care of yourself first because you thought you knew best. It's all about you. 'Kate > > It's called, "DISCIPLINE" and it's something that you surely lack and have > > passed the lack of it on to your children. Your children need to come [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > be. I came on here for advice and found myself being judged and sentenced by > people who don't even know me. Just because you don't like the advice, doesn't mean you are being criticized. Sometimes the truth hurts, that does not make it any less true. Of the people that do know me, they have no > criticism except that I should be a bit firmer. However I am not a walkover. > I am tempted to throw the two older kids out but can't bring myself to take [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > that doesn't seem to matter. I guess the other people on here are just too > perfect to identify with my dysfunctional family. There is alot to be said for tough love, as the soft touch has been a miserable failure so far. Throw the 24 yo out. Tell the 17 yo he is next if he does not get his act together. Then you need to get your own act together, you can play the martyred mom all you want, but you are doing yourself and your children a great disservice. Why should they do anything when you are doing everything for them, cut the apron strings. 2 cents >> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've >> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack couldn't >ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the kids. Pot does NOT screw people up. Pot does NOT cause the problems you describe. If you are too soft on your kids then a lack of discipline is what's wrong. Using drugs is one of many things kids do when there's something wrong. It's a symptom. Blaming the drugs is lazy. Figure out what's wrong and fix it. lm > >> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've > >> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > > lm You sound like my kids. But I have spoken to ex pot smokers who disagree. There are also numerous articles on the subject. My oldest son followed peer pressure, the younger followed his older brother who he looks up to. I never smoked pot, despite problems as a teen, we all have them to a degree. Wake up and smell the coffee.... >> >> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've >> >> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] >I never smoked pot, despite problems as a teen, we all have them to a >degree. Wake up and smell the coffee.... My coffee is right here. You're not taking any responsibility for your children's problems. Peer pressure and drugs are easy scapegoats. Get rid of the pot and see what happens. I'm sure they'll be hardworking, productive members of society then, like magic. lm On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 15:25:06 +0100, "Shelley" <shells63_@hotmail.com> >> >> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've >> >> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] >I never smoked pot, despite problems as a teen, we all have them to a >degree. Wake up and smell the coffee.... See? You can't even set standards for your family. If you don't set them high, then the kids will certainly take the easy way out. You got what you created. Seriously... see someone. You need it to improve your self esteem or your education will be wasted. You may very well think I'm the most judgmental prig on the planet, and that might be true... but I'm telling you this for your own good. You may not have listened to your friends when they told you that you were too easy and giving too much but maybe you'll wake up when I tell you that if you don't take care of your needs first, you will have nothing to give your children. You've already compromised the parent-child relationship by being too soft and giving in. Start today by making your household drug free and stop risking jail time for your children and yourself. You don't want your youngest in foster care while you serve a sentence for drug posession. You've increased the likelihood of that happening by tolerating drugs and drug use in your home because you're too soft. Is it any wonder the kids take and take? 'Kate On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 09:11:49 +0100, "Shelley" <shells63_@hotmail.com> >> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've >> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack couldn't >ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the kids. Well.. duh. That's what earned you the title. If you'd taken the time and had the spine to teach your children how to defer pleasure until the work is done, the chore is done, or the money's earned and some is saved, then your children may have had the ability to refuse the easy escape (pot). You didn't give them the opportunity to work toward long term goals. You gave in. It was probably easier for you to and you just wanted to be nice or liked or to make up for what you thought they lacked in their lives. Your motives were not mother-like. They were selfish. Were you feeling guilty? Nevermind... it doesn't matter. Your children suffered because you didn't have a backbone. You got what you created. Too bad your kids will continue to suffer for it. 'Kate |
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