Family Forum / Parenting / Single Parents / March 2005

Speaking as a 'recent teenager' myself, and being one who has definitely
been in similar situations, I say both Moon and 'Kate have the same ideas as
I do.  The way you have said things, I wouldn't doubt that S is very
trusting of you right now, not that I'm saying she is or isn't.  This is
obviously a situation that might tear at her, since she may have felt
trapped.  Should she have stayed with the group of friends that she was
supposed to or should she have wandered off?  Would she have gotten into
more trouble if she strayed from the group she was to be with or if she
stayed with them.
Being a teenager is still fresh in my mind.  Heck, it was just less than 3
years ago that I was one of them myself.  Trust your daughter.  Her friends
have said she didn't join in anything more than staying with them.  Take
everyone's word for it and trust them.  Don't continue to be suspicious of
her, and even if you are and can't help it, which is understandable, don't
let her know it.  What have her friends to gain by lying?  It not like they
would get into more or less trouble by lying for her.
Don't threaten with a drug test, maybe try and let her know that although
you may disapprove her hanging around those friends at the time, praise her
and tell her you're proud of her for making the right decision to not wander
off alone AND not to smoke pot with them.  Hammer the idea into her head
that you're proud of her for making the best decision she could have in the
situation she might feel she was cornered into.  Be glad that the dad of her
friends was honest with you and actually told you.  Believe it or not,
there's parents out there who might not have even said anything if they saw
it.  In situations like this, it's hard for the parents and hard for the
kids.
You're just trying to deal with it the best way you can, and I honestly
don't see a reason that you should punish her.  Maybe let her know that if
she finds herself in a similar situation ever again with the same friends or
even different ones, that she could always pick up a payphone and call you
rather than find herself in the same spot again, because, as a teenager,
it's always going to be hard to make the right decision and actually feel
it's the right decision, but in the case, as a teenager, I think she really
did make a good decision.
Do all you can to make sure that you let her know you're happy of her
decisions.  Don't wait for the day that it could end up being different and
you really are faced with a real issue that you'd rather not have... I kind
of know what that is like.  Be happy for her, as well as her friend's
father's responsible actions to inform you of what all the kids were doing.

(kind of irrelevant, but...)
About 2 years ago, my parents went out of town for the weekend.  They left
my brothers at home since it was just a 2 full day and one overnight that
they would be gone.  My mom asked me, if I happened to be around their
place, to stop in and just check on my brothers, just to make sure that the
house hadn't burned to the ground or that they didn't lose control over the
place with people.  They were told no parties, and no more than 2 friends
each in the house at one time.  (To me, that seemed MORE than unreasonable.)
During the late afternoon, I happened to be out with a friend for a bit, and
we stopped by my parents place.  I had a key at home but didn't bring it
since I figured they were either home and fine, or out in the middle of the
afternoon, and there was no reason to go inside.
As soon as I pulled up, I could see through the curtains that they were
inside.  I knocked on the door.  No answer.  I could hear murmurs and
whispering inside, also the sounds of moving around.  I knocked again.
Again, no answer.  I banged on the door and opened the mail chute to call to
them, and let them know I wasn't stupid and knew they were in there.  I then
went next door to the neighbour who had a spare key but she wasn't home, so
I came back to the door and continued to bang on it another time.  I opened
the mail chute again and started to really look in, and that's when I could
smell pot in there, and it was really strong and fresh.  I then went back to
the car, grabbed my cell and started calling into the house, which, by now,
had become still and quiet, yet no one had gone out.  No answer inside, so
since I felt there was cause to be concerned, I called my aunt and told her
what I knew was going on.  I didn't know what else to do.  She then started
calling the house, and finally, after a good 10 minutes of banging on the
door, my brother fianally answered the door.  One look at him and I knew
exactly what was up, even though I had known before the door was opened.
There was about 6 kids in the house, but really, I didn't care about that as
much as anything else.  I kicked all those kids out, and my aunt asked if I
was able to take my brothers over to my place until my parents got home the
next day.  I packed them into the car, and talked to my aunt later that
night.  She said that my mom should know about this.  I felt I shouldn't
bother telling her because no matter what, it's a lose-lose situation for
me.  I tell her, and I knew she would get mad at me for causing a big scene,
telling my auntie, since I honestly didn't know where else to go for advice
and help and for not minding my own business.  If I didn't tell my mom, I
also felt that if and when she found out, she would be pissed off at me for
not telling her.  I honestly felt like I was at a loss no matter what.  My
aunt then said that now that she knew about this, she would go directly to
my mom and talk to her, telling her exactly what I had said.  My aunt even
talked to both my brothers separately and they both lied to her at first,
but then they realized they were getting nowhere and told her the truth.
When my mom did find out, she was pissed off for everything that I had
originally feared... She was pissed off that I had told my aunt, she was
pissed off that I didn't come to her myself, she was pissed off that I was
even there in the first place, yet she had asked me to stop in if I happened
to be close by!  I spent the whole evening and next morning worrying about
what my mom would say, as well as I had to sit and listen to my brothers to
beg me not to tell my mom and how I was such a rat.  Of course, my mom
denied everything to herself.  No, not my brothers - they're perfect little
angels!  I was the one who was over there causing trouble, of course.

Well, I don't trust her. She is a teenager and she has lied. I will mostly
always doubt her. I believe she didn't do anything last night though only
because of the promise on her father's grave and the father stating he
didn't see her smoke any and he gave it enough time to see who all was going
to hit the pipe. (I imagine me standing there... watching as my kids smoke
pot. I give the dad credit.) I wonder if she didn't smoke but would have.
But that is all IF'S and will go no where.

I did speak to her about the possibility of bad things happening, sneaking
off behind a mall. I told her next time to realize that there is no positive
reason for that. Funny, I also had told her that if it would be more unsafe
to stay alone then it is still best to stay with the crowd but only
realizing that other guys could have been following and so on. We all know
the implications. It could be the first time this came up for her. Who knows
what to do at that point. Now she will have a better concept.

The biggest reason for the drug test...... I told her from day one......
many yrs ago and reinforced the idea regularly..... start hanging out with
friends doing drugs? I ever smell pot on you or think you are high? I will
drug test you in a second. So IF I don't...... then what? She thinks I was
talking out my a.s. At the age of 13 what is the biggest reason kids might
say no to drugs or no to doing anything bad? Apparently her issue is fear of
me and being grounded forever.

I see what is written from all...... thanks. No punishment is in order, I
agree. Apparently just being in her friends house for the 4 hours after the
movie was a bit of punishment. Italian mom...... S said she flipped out
worse then I ever have. Then they couldn't get ahold of the boy's mother so
HE was still there. Parents want to kill him but have to look at him on
their couch! Ouch! Plus some truths came out about the older sister so now
the parents can deal with that. I told S's friend, who I will add has become
like my second daughter, that I am upset that she did that but appreciate
that she apologizes to me. She said some interesting things to me. She said
she can't say for sure she will never smoke again. She is curious she said.
I said, give it some time.... a few years atleast. She basically is saying
that she will smoke pot or do other drugs again.She said she will never put
a non-smoker in a bad position again either. I wonder if she said the same
things to her parents? I explained some of the trouble she could get into
legally. I reminded her that if her dad could sneak and follow them, an
employee at the mall could have also. They could have called the cops and
then they would have had criminal charges against them.

Today is my first Sunday off in months so we are just going to enjoy it. No
talk of this today with S. Poor kid..... she had a rough week. Broke up with
boyfriend..... he is going nuts...... back with boyfriend...... then this.
Drama.

Thanks everyone. Please continue with advice or stories..... can help others
in similar situations.

T

So I should be concerned because she said no to drugs? :)

T