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Family Forum / Parenting / Single Parents / May 20054 year old bad behavior?? HELP!!
Well, I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything similar to deal with... B, lately, just seems to be horrible in his actions. Normally, he's your typical 4 year old, but lately, I just can't handle it. I feel like I'm about the size of a house, and I just do not have the energy, ability or patience to deal with it all. I haven't been working since Jan (due to my job being so physical) and I've been staying at home. I try and fill the day with a variety of activities to keep us all busy and occupied. We went out shopping yesterday. Went to some consignment stores because I was looking for one of those maternity support belts. I didn't find one, but picked up a pair of sandals, couple shorts and outfits, as well as some books for him. As soon as we were about to leave the store, he started kicking and screaming and refused to leave. At 32ish weeks, I really can't carry him at all, and especially kicking and screaming, that just can't happen. I ended up, literally, DRAGGING him out of the store, kicking and screaming. I was tempted to go back in the store, return the sandals he wanted, even though he didn't need them, and the clothes and books as well, but I didn't want to have to stand in line all over again while he screams like he was. He constantly says, "I hate you!" to me, and all I always say is, "That's nice. I still love you." and that makes him scream even more. Later that day, after we came home and he spent the good part of the afternoon in his room kicking the walls and door, we had to leave to pick up Norm from work. We also needed to stop at the grocery store for a single item for supper, and he refused to sit down in the shopping cart, so I told him if he stood up one more time, he'd have to sit in the top part for smaller children, rather than the basket part. As it went, he ended up in the child's seat part, and again started kicking and crying and shouting. After about a minute of threats of going home, I picked him up, carried him out to the car, and we sat in the car while Norm picked up what I had needed. Again in the car, even in the heat that we had yesterday, I had to sit with the windows up and doors closed because I didn't think others going shopping cared to hear him scream like he was. He then carried this on all the way home, and at home as well, where he was sent up to his room until supper was ready. I just could NOT handle all the yelling and crying and tantrum he had ALL DAY. He refuses to have a nap or any type of quiet time during the day. I do not get any kind of nap or resting time myself, which makes me feel totally beat by mid day. Right now, now that I am not working and we are basically on one income, I cannot afford the cost of daycare for him. He'll be 4.5 when this baby comes, and he's able to start school, and the only reason I'm starting him as an early starter in kindergarden is because I don't know if I could handle a full day with him, and a newborn. (Kindergarden is in the morning only) I would have rather started him in Sept. of 2006, but I don't know if that will be possible for me. When Norm comes home from work, he seems to act up even more. When asked to do something, or not do something, he is always yelling NO! which is something he never really has done before. He is constantly losing things he enjoys and I constantly take priviledges away from him. I have put almost all his toys in the bedroom, locked away from him, because of the way he acts. He had slowly earned a few back, but now again, I am wondering if he needs to have them taken away and worked towards again. He also lost the priviledges of a TV show after supper before it's time to get ready for bed. When all the kids outside are playing, he, last night and today as well so far, he was not allowed to go outside and play. My mom had suggested the loss of priviledges (the TV shows, outside play time, etc.) and my aunt suggested taking the toys away, since he really does have way too many toys. Lately, that doesn't seem to help at all, and I'm wondering if I'm going abouts the wrong way with it all. Could he all of a sudden be acting like this because of the baby? We've, from the start, always told him he's going to have a baby brother or sister, and he said he wanted a sister. We found out it's a girl, and told him, and he was excited. Could this be a problem with a new sibling coming and him not liking the idea or something? Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I could try or what I should not try? I'll take anything because, really, I can't handle this, and the last little while, it just seems to be getting worse and worse... Anything would be appreciated and I'm willing to try almost anything!  SignatureA: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text. Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing? A: Top-posting. Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet? > Well, I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything similar to deal > with... [quoted text clipped - 73 lines] > > Anything would be appreciated and I'm willing to try almost anything! When my dear son went through that stage, I took EVERYTHING out of his room until his good and proactive behavior allowed them back in. It worked for us. He had a bed and a dresser. Of course he earned them back. Just be persistent. I think it is pretty typical for them to know what is going on that is different. "Who is the new thing coming to my house and it is not a puppy?" Imagine how you would feel, but still don't let him show his a.s and if he does, natural consequences work. This is all my opinion and what has worked for me. Good luck and what was the rash? No one ever posted. ::itch itch:: V >> Well, I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything similar to deal >> with... [quoted text clipped - 82 lines] > that is different. "Who is the new thing coming to my house and it is not > a puppy?" I did that too not long ago. There were a few items that I couldn't take out of his room, such as his giant train table, but the parts for it were all gone (the trains, tracks, little guys, trees and all that) and he was left with his bed, dresser, train table, book case. I packed everything in boxes, and as he earned them back, he was allowed to go through a box and pick out a couple toys he wanted. I'm now thinking (after I had suggested from someone) that I keep all the boxes, let him earn one box back at a time (they're small boxes) and once he earns, let's say, 4 boxes back, allow him to then rotate boxes and pick a new box and stash the other one away for rotation. He just really does have too many toys, and I don't think I've bought 1/5th of what he has. I've also made it clear that I would like gifts of toys to be limited. Books, clothing and other things he can use are perfect, and the odd new toy, but really, if in boxes for a little while and rotated, wouldn't some of the older toys be almost like new toys if he hasn't seen them for a few months? > Imagine how you would feel, but still don't let him show his a.s and if he > does, natural consequences work. > This is all my opinion and what has worked for me. Yes, thank you. I'll definitely give it a try. The last little while, nothing seems to be working, which is why I'll take everything into consideration. I try and keep the yelling to as little as possible, since I know for a fact (from when I was growing up even) that yelling doesn't work, so I've always tried to stay away from yelling. I've tried giving him a little slap on the hands for some things, like, for example, when he's been told not to play with the plug ins and still does. But for something like when he hits me, or tries to, all I do is grab his hands and hold them tight enough for him to not get out, but not tight enough to actually hurt. Again, I find, from growing up myself, that spankings hadn't worked for me, so I really find no real point in that. Plus, I think if I hit, it will just reinforce his idea that hitting is alright to do, which really, I don't believe it is. > Good luck and what was the rash? > No one ever posted. > ::itch itch:: > V That's because I still don't know... It doesn't bother me, and my doc has no real concerns about it, so I have let it be for now. It actually seems to be less spread out over me, so I dunno. snippage > I try and keep the yelling to as little as possible, since I know for a > fact (from when I was growing up even) that yelling doesn't work, so I've > always tried to stay away from yelling. I truly see moms yelling and it makes them look out of control; plus when you do raise the voice, they know it is all about to go down in tiny town. snip Plus, I think if I hit, it will > just reinforce his idea that hitting is alright to do, which really, I > don't believe it is. I used to disagree but I agree after parenting and seeing other's parenting choices. Hitting, spanking, etc. does not work. >> That's because I still don't know... It doesn't bother me, and my doc has >> no > real concerns about it, so I have let it be for now. It actually seems to > be less spread out over me, so I dunno. Bless your heart. Well, as long it is not bothersome who cares. Maybe it will go away soon. Good luck with the four year old attitude!! I feel your pain honey! V <snip> > When Norm comes home from work, he seems to act up even more. I'm sorry but I think you should look into this more. Christine ><snip> > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > >Christine good point. but might just be a matter of who she's giving attention to if the kiddo feels like he hasn't had enough. 'Kate > <snip> > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Christine Actually, this was a major concern for me at first, and still is every now and then. Right from the start, Norm was the one who seemed to have kept him in check. I was the one, I know and admit, who kind of let any and all discipline slide from the beginning. I found growing up that my dad was always the authority figure, and he was the one to fear the most when in trouble. I think this is something similar. I found he's worse for me, anyways, and I just can't seem to get discipline down, since I didn't from almost day 1. THAT, I know, is definitely my fault and no one elses. Even to this day, he listens better to Norm than he does to me. I guess he knows that he can get away with more with me. Right from the start, he has always, I guess for lack of a better word, shown more respect to Norm as far as behaviour. It's just lately that he won't listen to anyone, really. He had even told my mom off, kind of, when he was asked to pick up his toys when we were there, and normally he always does with no problem, but he told my mom no, and then I ended up picking up the toys while he screamed and put the toys away so next time, the toys I picked up, would not be there for him. He then started kicking and screaming when it was time to leave, which is something he's never done at my parents' place. >Well, I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything similar to deal with... > >B, lately, just seems to be horrible in his actions. Normally, he's your >typical 4 year old, but lately, I just can't handle it. I feel like I'm >about the size of a house, and I just do not have the energy, ability or >patience to deal with it all. Look... a clue! Not as much patience, feeling tired and big, and he's probably being slightly more horrid. Kids pick up on things being different and they don't know how to handle it so they act up to get attention and make sure that you're still on the same page as he is - taking care of him. >I haven't been working since Jan (due to my job being so physical) and I've >been staying at home. I try and fill the day with a variety of activities [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] >but I didn't want to have to stand in line all over again while he screams >like he was. Aww... hon. they all try that sh.t. I had to leave everything in the cart a couple of times at Walmart and just take them home. Sometimes they're tired, hungry, getting sick, or just didn't sleep well. Or they're just 2, 3, 4. >He constantly says, "I hate you!" to me, and all I always say is, "That's >nice. I still love you." and that makes him scream even more. :-) Don't be hurt by him saying that. And this is a really good time to have him name what he is feeling. I use to have a chart on the refrigerator like this: http://www.iposters.us/artists/Borgman.html The second one down on this page is good for a kid though. http://www.teaching-tees.com/wst_page4.html >Later that day, after we came home and he spent the good part of the >afternoon in his room kicking the walls and door, we had to leave to pick up [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] >supper was ready. I just could NOT handle all the yelling and crying and >tantrum he had ALL DAY. yeah.. that was a bad day for sure. >He refuses to have a nap or any type of quiet time during the day. I do not >get any kind of nap or resting time myself, which makes me feel totally beat [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] >morning only) I would have rather started him in Sept. of 2006, but I don't >know if that will be possible for me. The sooner you get him use to a routine the better. Keep him busy. Give him incentives to behave well. And be patient. These methods do work but most kids will backslide at least once. >When Norm comes home from work, he seems to act up even more. When asked to >do something, or not do something, he is always yelling NO! which is [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >Lately, that doesn't seem to help at all, and I'm wondering if I'm going >abouts the wrong way with it all. Here's some stuff that says it better than I could: http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/preschoolaged/discipline.html The following is from that page: The first thing you have to do is find your child's form of currency--- What are your child's favorite things to do? My child loves dress up cloths sweets and pbs cartoons. Then when they act inappropriatly, you have to tell them calmly that if they ''choose'' to behave badly, then they are choosing to lose one or more of their priveleges. When they act up, take away positive attention, this means ignore them, go about your business for a few minutes and then calmly return your attention (this was the actual intention of a ''time out'', it was not a chair or a timed sentance). I tell my child to go to her room untill she is ready to behave (she is used to this by now, because when she was little I would take her there myself). When she is calm I ask her if it was O.K. to behave in that way, she'll say no and I will tell her that her behavior has a consequence, and by now she knows this, so I will make her choose which one of her favorite activities she will lose. I also make sure to give her plenty of positive attention when she behaves, ''thank you for using your manners'', ''what a sweet little girl you are being'', etc. Consistency seems to be the most important thing--- Never give in to crying for things, or they will never stop. I wish you lots of luck! anon Next post from the page: there's a great book called ''positive discipline'' by jane nelson. i have read and re-read it because sometimes, i need to refresh my memory. good luck! ==================== >Could he all of a sudden be acting like this because of the baby? We've, >from the start, always told him he's going to have a baby brother or sister, [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >really, I can't handle this, and the last little while, it just seems to be >getting worse and worse... I don't think he has any idea what the new baby business is really about but you do and he may be picking up on that. Your behaviors are more likely to be causing his reactions (being tired, feeling big, etc..) than something that hasn't happened yet. >Anything would be appreciated and I'm willing to try almost anything! He just happened to hit one of those stages at a time when your family is growing. You have time to get him settled out and into a daily routine. Don't freak. You can do this. You toilet trained him, didn't you? Then you have what it takes to get through this. When I was "big" and tired, I use to do puzzles and read with Mike on my lap. Kris was in school .. nine years between the first and second and 22 months between the second and third children. Anyway.. you're going to have to teach him to keep busy with something because you will need that time with the baby. Lots of us have used kitchen timers or had our children watch the clock to match the numbers on the clock to the paper. I like using incentives rather than punishment but sometimes punishment is the fast way.. and big things like running into the street (at 2ish) must be immediately and permanently discouraged. A swat on a diapered behind isn't a terrible thing.. but he's a bit old for that. Kids will alway like working toward something though. They like praise when it's rationed. They like attention and time. They will do a lot to earn a trip to the park, for example. There are free things that you can do with your son to get some time off. Libraries have story and movie hours. Religious organizations run mother's day out; here it's Wednesday morning. You can't get caught in the trap of being your sons entertainer. Taking some of his toys and putting them away is a good idea. You can bring them out later and they're like new again. Kids also like to make things - bake or whatever. Have you ever made "play dough?" http://www.perpetualpreschool.com/playdough.htm Planted something with him? I had a sandbox for the kids made from a small plastic pool. I had to cover it every night though or the neighborhood cats (and the rain) would get into it. Did you ever make glue fingerprints? Use elmer's (water based, non-toxic) glue and paint one of his fingers. Have him blow on it (takes awhile with a thick coat). When it's clear, peal the fingerprint off. For some reason, my kids were stupid enough to think that was cool. I think this was around the time of Carmen SanDiego.. I guess i'd be Blues Clues now. I know.. this is stuff to do. I'm just trying to think of things to entertain him for awhile. How about indoor camping? Throw a large sheet over a kitchen table, hand him a flashlight, blanket, and pillow. Let him camp out. He can decide what to bring on the camping trip. Putting a special rainy day box together of things to do would be a good idea. I use to use dollar store items... or freebies from the cereal box offers to fill the treat box. He can earn one or two treats a week that way but no more than that. Keep his attention span in mind when you go places. If you're not sure of how long he can put up with shopping, for example, time him. Tell him that you're going to be done at whatever time.... like in 20 or 30 minutes and that if he is good that whole time, then when you get home, you'll (do whatever) with him. Don't use food as a reward! Ok .. enough, huh? You're fine, xkatx... kids act up sometimes. It's not about the new baby exactly. He's been through a lot of change recently - a move to a new place and mom being home with him, for example. 'Kate >>Well, I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything similar to deal with... >> >>B, lately, just seems to be horrible in his actions. Normally, he's your >>typical 4 year old, but lately, I just can't handle it. I feel like I'm >>about the size of a house, and I just do not have the energy, ability or >>patience to deal with it all. [snip outstanding response] Well, I had some thoughts, but I put your post aside to spend time answering properly later, and while I did, Kate said everything so well I have very, very little to add. I remember four, and it was one of the roughest ages. Blew the much touted 'terrible twos' right out of the water. Everything Kate suggests is exactly what I'd've recommended. Your head's on straight, xkatx. Carry on, and remember the mother's mantra: This too shall pass...this too shall pass...this too shall pass....thisss....tooo....shall.....pass.....ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhmmmm! Cele >>>Well, I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything similar to deal with... >>> [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > >Cele Reminds me of a "joke" about a mother patiently shopping with a misbehaving pre-schooler. As she walked around the store, the storyteller could hear her say, "It's ok, Anna.. just a few more things and we'll be on our way" and "Almost done, Anna... good girl". He followed her out of the store to commend her, "Your daughter, Anna, is very lucky to have such a patient mother." The mother replied, "My daughter's name is Julie. I'm Anna." It's like that sometimes. 'Kate >>>>Well, I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything similar to deal with... >>>> [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > >'Kate Oh well. This monitor was on its last legs anyway. [still chuckling] Cele |
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