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Family Forum / Parenting / Spanking / August 2005Child with behavier problem
I have a 5 1/2 yr old son who has ADHD. He is on meds, however his behavier is very bad. He yells at me, hits me, calls me names. All over nothing. I have tried differant ways to handle him, but every technic is short lived. Any ideas to help me and him to control himself? > I have a 5 1/2 yr old son who has ADHD. He is on meds, however his > behavier is very bad. He yells at me, hits me, calls me names. All over > nothing. I have tried differant ways to handle him, but every technic > is short lived. Any ideas to help me and him to control himself? What kind of meds? No child, or adult for that matter, acts out over "nothing." The challenge is to find out not just what (that's usually a dead end anyway) but "how" they are functioning. More education. Learn what the mechanics are, psychologically, to ADHD and related disabilities. Both ADHD and being young and powerless are highly frustrating to children. There are strategies to place something...probably hightened simuli, or the opposite, reduced stimuli, in the boy's environment. One needs to do what you probably already know how to do but don't give yourself credit for, or use to be reactive because you know what's coming....and that is the observational skill of recognizing pre-behavior behaviors...the child's signals an outburst is coming, is eminent. I'd suggest reading, but inveriably other's choices are not the ones for you. YOU need to find your own information sources. And though I'm sure I don't need to mention it, punishment models are not only useless with ADHD children, but are more likely to cause harm. And I don't mean just physical punishment, but even the usual disciplines most children will accept. Frustration is the number one experience of ADHD children. They do not feel as good as other children. Not as capable. They face exclusion. Even other children making fun of them. And rejection from their parents. It's hard not to reject a child that is acting out. While I can't speak specifically to your situation, I've had parents do "love attacks" at acting out time. And done it myself...that's how I discovered it. Out of frustration with such a child, knowing she could not be punished (something I've preferred to stay away from) I gave up, picked her up and just hugged her, in all her nastiness and anger. And wouldn't give up. That little girl changed completely that day, and could from that time, tell myself and other adults, just what was bugging her and what she wanted or needed to get through it and to her objective...usually something she very much wanted to learn to do. Last I heard she was an electrical engineer...a good one, academically scholarshiped through a major university. Yah can't give up though because the first time you do it the child fights back against it. Commit or don't do it at all. And it's a "love" attack, not a hate attack. If you can't maintain your intent to love that child no matter what, don't do it. Anyone can "attack" a child with hate. That's what spanking IS, after all, regardless of what the compulsives say they believe it is. And if it doesn't work, your child needs a more comprehensive neurological workup than the one that diagnosed ADHD. It can disguise other conditions. Best. Kane Hi there, I have a sister whose little boy, her younger one of the two, was diagnosed with ADHD, when he was elementary aged. He is now in the middle grades, and has been recently rediagnosed with a form of autism. His birth dad has never had anything to do with him, and he is very angry at his dad, and none has really been able to heal that wound in him. He has no real father figure to look to except his grandfather (My dad), and his Uncle, (my brother),...these two men in his life, he basks in those relationships and eats it up, and i see in that all a connection between his mental illness issues and his starvation and denial of him getting to have father contact. a father hunger in him. He is doing better now that they are treating him for the form of autism he has. I had read Heathers plea and my heart went out to her, i am glad she is asking all she can. I know it is not easy or simple to handle such things. I am a survivor of Lester Roloffs regime and the entire arguments about spanking vrs. nonspanking are issues i read as important. Kane, i loved your idea of just hugging them, the idea that ones love is bigger than the wound or hurt is a very transforming practice and idea, and i know that thru sound counseling my sanity has come back because someone was stronger than my pain, and loved me thru the hells of my recovery from severe abuses in the past. It is a practice that shows faith in the child, and belief in them, no matter what, and that we as the adults understand they are going thru processing and struggling with more than we can fathom at times...it is a belief in the childs unique personhood and affirmation that they are a very unique person, created by God to a purpose and by special design. I also feel that spanking is usually done out of frustration and immaturity and that most adults who do this, are not and have not been loved to true adulthood either, or else they would realize the first thing is not in spanking but in understanding the child and knowing what is happening in the childs mind and heart first and foremost, not in total behavior compliance, in so called rebellious kids, but in working as a team in a family system to get to the pain at the bottom of the barrel that is causing the unwanted behavior and in that Kane i also agree with you on the issues that there are reasons behind all behavior issues, that there is a reason for the acting out. Thank you. Gods Blessing, Bryony I would also like to add to what i said, by also affirming the need for the parent to get support and nuturing, i know my sister who has her sons problems is in a need for this herself, she has to find ways to nurture herself to parent, as she is a single mother. who works hard and has to handle her son the best she can. I think asking questions and seeking support is a very smart thing to do , and to find ways to fill up ones own bucket so that one can also give out from that bucket to the child , the challenge is a big one, as i can see plainly with my sister and her boy. thank you Bryony > I would also like to add to what i said, by also affirming the need for > the parent to get support and nuturing, i know my sister who has her [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > thank you > Bryony I'm emarrassed to admit that I completely forgot this very important issue. If YOU aren't supported, aren't validated, aren't empowered, you will not likely be of much help to the child in your exhausted state...which of course caring for children with these and other difficulties can bring about easily. Thanks for the reminder, Bryony. Kane |
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