Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / May 2006

"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <st_brigids_gate_farm@yahoo.com> wrote in
message

If you're regularly keeping your reactions inside yourself, then to those
around you, you appear to be completely in control.  You probably appear as
capable as you like to project, even though it's a lie.  How much do they
really know or understand about how things are building to the point of
explosion?

That's absolute bullshit, if you'll pardon my language.  They get angry with
you for reacting?  Too f.cking bad.  You are entitled to your emotions, and
you can't spend your life babying everyone else so they feel respected &
loved without getting anything in return.

I disagree.  I think they get it 100%.  Kitten is the one to smooth things
over and tend to everyone, so that's the way things need to stay.

Oh, Kitten.  :-(  I've always felt you do far too much for everyone else,
and not enough for yourself.  Obviously that's not something you can
maintain forever.  I'm surprised you haven't felt the pressure overwhelm you
long before this.

You ask how to get it across to your family, but I think you know how to do
it, as you express your feelings here very well.  I think the problem is
that they're likely going to respond as you fear, with anger and
recrimination.  That to me says that a lot of this crisis is beyond your
control & has more to do with the behaviors/personalities of your family
members.

If you can't hold it in anymore, then you have no choice but to be
completely honest with your family.  If they can't handle it appropriately,
then at least you know where you stand.  You can decide what sort of
counseling might benefit your family, or whether your loved ones are too
resistant to be there for you when you need them.  Is it likely to be worse
when they react the way you fear they will, or worse to keep going on trying
to hold all this inside?

Your family needs to be your soft place to fall.  You can't do it all on
your own.

Jennifer

Kitten, I'm not sure how to say this so bear with me a bit, kay? :)

IMO, at a certain point, it's time to stop worrying so much about
how a dysfunctional person (or a person with a particular dysfunction
or 'hang-up' or button or whatever) is going to take something and
just go ahead and do whatever needs to be done and *then* deal with
the fallout. Quite frankly, my husband and I are at this point right
now and it's still up in the air as to whether we are going to be
able to deal with the fallout and continue being married. But, we
reached a situation where my previous methods of coping/dealing
with our issues just didn't work anymore and the consequences of
dealing with one particular situation that came up were just too
much for me to continue with what had become the status quo for
our relationship. So, keep in mind that while the first sentence
above *is* still my opinion, the practical application of it might
end up in our divorcing.

I get the impression from some of your recent posts that, you,
too, might have reached the point of no return, just as I did
about a year and a half ago. That point (for me at least) was
where I couldn't pussyfoot around DH's dysfunctions/outlook on
life and relationships/obliviousness/etc., any longer because
the negative consequences (to myself and our son) were too
great.

Well, I obviously don't know the answer to that one since I can't
get DH to 'get' that I'm done watching the 'one baby step forward,
one giant step backward and, while I'm going backwards, I'm gonna
fall over and destroy something and watch as you try and put it
back together and get pissed at you because you're not coaxing
me to take another baby step.' (A little bitter, aren't I? <sigh>)

Tracey

Have you tried putting it in writing?

Sometimes, that makes people look at things more seriously.

If you can, go away for a day or even a weekend. I know you have
responsibilities on the farm, but there must be some process for
allowing you to leave for a day or two.

Leave them a letter saying all the things you have said here.

Give them specific things you need them to do. Tell them to call you
AFTER reading and discussing the contents.

Can't say this will help, but it might.

All I know is to be completely honest.  If you lose a little control, then
you lose a little control.  The thing is, you can't get them to help you,
they have to choose to and want to and be able to recognize that you need
help (which is why I think sometimes losing a little control is ok, I mean
you have to get their attention).  Hell, maybe you don't have to lose
control, maybe you could just do something to make them realize you are
serious, like leave or something.  You have a teaching degree, don't you?

It'll be OK Kitten, you're just giving way, way too much to them.  I think
it would do them a lot of good for you to quit thinking so much of them and
concentrate a little more on yourself and your son.

Heather

<snipped>

Thanks, everyone.

Yes, I have a place to go if needed.  I've been thinking about going to
spend some time at my mother's this summer, letting Chewy and YD deal
with the farm and all that all by themselves.  YS will be in Arkansas
visiting his father, OS is out on his own, so it'll just be the two of
them.  Should make YD happy to be able to things the way *she* wants
around my house.  I thought that being gone for two weeks earlier this
year might help things, but as much as they missed me, they also
settled into a routine that was comfortable for them.  Maybe two weeks
wasn't enough time to be gone.

And yes, I write clearly.  But that's WAY different than saying it in
person, face-to-face.  For one thing, I've always had difficulties with
that.  Relationships are just HARD.  I tend to avoid conflict if I can,
but when I can't, I tend to dig in my heels like a Missouri mule.
Either method can be good in some situations, but harmful in others.
My Aspie tendencies start taking over, and communication becomes almost
impossible.

The blowups from my telling them I'm not dealing well and need their
help aren't a possibility; they're a reality.  As I get further and
further down this path of being overwhelmed, my Aspie tendencies keep
surfacing more and more.  It's making Chewy have to be responsible, and
he's having a hard time with that.  He loves me, but he doesn't know
how to be the strong one in a relationship.  I don't know if anyone
ever showed him how before.

But he *did* just finish replumbing my kitchen sink tonight.  And he
did the dinner dishes.

YS worked today and works 14 hours each tomorrow and Saturday, so he's
spending the night in town with TF, who works at the same restaurant
and has the same hours.  That way, I don't have to drive them in.  YD
worked tonight, too, so it was just Chewy and me for dinner.  We talked
a bit, or actually, I tried to get us talking and he sat there trying
to figure out why he's feeling the way he is.

I can get through all this, if I can count on him to be there for me.
But he doesn't know how to be there for me.  He wants to, but he keeps
saying he doesn't know how to stop yelling and start listening when
things come up.  He keeps apologizing for not being what I need him to
be.  He says he doesn't know how to be supportive.  I keep trying not
to feel like he'd do it if he *really* loved me.  Those kinds of
thoughts are just a trap.

<sigh>  My meds are starting to take effect.  I really hate having to
take them.

Kitten

OK, it's late.  I'm zoning. I need to be in bed.  But I wanted to let
everyone know what's up.

Chewy and I talked over dinner last night.  We decided no farmers
markets today.  Instead, we went on a date.  We haven't done that in
FOREVER!

This morning, he and I got up and took care of the animals, then I took
my meds.  It's not like the buspar was bad enough for knocking me out.
The soma adds to it greatly.  So I laid down on the couch and dozed
while he woke up YD and took her to work.

After I woke up, we fed the littlest babies again, then we got cleaned
up and headed to town.  We went to a little Chinese restaurant and had
a very nice lunch together and actually *talked* during the entire
lunch.  Then we went to the movies.

We bought tickets for The DaVinci Code, but we were half an hour early,
so we decided to look around a bit.  The theatre has a little arcade.
Tucked away amidst all the "latest and greatest" arcade games, we found
a treasure - one of the old Ms. Pacman games.

We spent the rest of the time waiting for the movie playing Ms. Pacman.
It was like we were teenagers (only I was having fun ths time around).
It was such a blast playing each other and trying to remember the ins
and outs of the game.  We haven't laughed so much in ages.

Then we got popcorn and sodas and went in to watch the movie.  It's
really quite good.  I dunno what all the fuss is about.  It's nothing
like the critics trying to get people to boycott it are saying.

It was a REALLY good day today.  We haven't enjoyed ourselves that much
in ages.

Oh, and as we were driving into town this morning, I told him I've been
thinking about maybe going to Mom's for a couple of weeks this summer,
to work on my health.  I mentioned it being so difficult for him and YD
to deal with me not being well.  He thought it's a good idea and said
that it would give him some time to work on the problems he's been
having, too.

I feel really positive about how things have gone the past 24 hours.
Chewy and I love each other and can get through all this.  I'm not sure
where it came from, but apparently there were a couple of things I said
that really clicked with him.  He said they were right, that they fit,
and that it gives him a starting point.

And tonight, when YD starting being a bratty 16yo, I walked out of the
room and Chewy actually dealt with it!!!  When I came back into the
room later, he said I don't need to be dealing with that attitude and
that we'll work together to get through it.

Someone pick me up off the floor now, please.

'Night.

Kitten