 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / May 2006OK, Actual Parenting-StepParenting Issue
YD has come to me about an issue she is having. We're hoping it's a depression issue and not something deeper. She's 16yo, her 18yo bf joined the Marines and is stationed in NC, she's continually upset with and worried about OS18, *and* she decided today to call her bio-mom for the first time in nearly a year (which actually went well). The kiddo's got reasons to feel depressed. She doesn't want to discuss it with Chewy. She asked me if we can go to see our PA tomorrow to talk with him. We just watched A Beautiful Mind (at her request), and that's got her worrying. She'd gone to get ready for bed, and came back in here, crying, to sit next to me (with Shadow on her lap) for a little bit. When Chewy came through and asked what was up, she didn't want to tell him, so we didn't. If you were in the same situation, how much would you discuss with your spouse, who happens to be the bio-parent? TIA, Kitten In a previous article, "Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <st_brigids_gate_farm@yahoo.com> said: >If you were in the same situation, how much would you discuss with your >spouse, who happens to be the bio-parent? When my step-daughter opened a conversation with me with "The first time Xxxx hit Mommy..." I told her father right away. My thinking was that we had to be ready to start action to get the kids out of their mother's home if she was living with a violent man. This kind of thing I would keep quiet about, at least for a while. Especially since Chewy seems to make things all about him; if you shared this stuff with him, he'd start beating himself up about what a terrible father he is, and that's not going to be productive for anyone. Is YD afraid that she's developing schizophrenia? Vicki  Signature"Penetrating so many secrets we cease to believe in the unknowable. But there it sits, nevertheless, calmly licking its chops." - H. L. Mencken <snipped> > Is YD afraid that she's developing schizophrenia? A bit. I reminded her about Deanna's OS, whom my kids all know and have spent time with in the past. I reminded her that for him, it turned out to be extreme depression and once he'd worked on the depression, all the other symptoms went away. When Chewy asked later, I simply told him she was worried about everyone's mental health. That's an easy one, since she and Chewy are both actively dealing with depression with the help of our PA and OS is still avoiding dealing with it. We'll go in to see the PA this afternoon, after their science finals are over. She's worried enough that she's even covering the co-pay. (We went to that to stop her wanting to go in every time she had a little sniffle or muscle twinge.) Anyhow, gotta get everyone up and moving. We leave in about 45 minutes to go to the co-op. Back-to-back biology and chemistry finals today. Kitten Kitten, I've had this a number of times with my SS. And I worried a lot about it. What I generally say is that (a) I can't blanket promise not to tell his father something, but that I'll tell him first if I feel it's something that I have to discuss. He's mostly okay with that. With DH, I asked him what kinds of things it was okay for me to keep between me and SS. So I got a handle from DH on what he felt should immediately be shared versus what I had more leeway to keep to myself. My feeling being that if I kept something from him that later came out, and he assumed it was something I would have told him, we'd have more trouble later. For the most part, he's been willing to trust my judgement. But I've gotta tell you, it makes me sometimes uncomfortable - the list of people that SS spits out that "i can't tell" nearly always includes both parents and his therapist. That kind of situation can be just filled with political shitstorms. rebecca > If you were in the same situation, how much would you discuss with your > spouse, who happens to be the bio-parent? > > TIA, > > Kitten > Kitten, > > I've had this a number of times with my SS. And I worried a lot about it. > What I generally say is that (a) I can't blanket promise not to tell his > father something, but that I'll tell him first if I feel it's something that > I have to discuss. He's mostly okay with that. Thanks, Rebecca. I'm going to post an update here. We just got in from the PA's office. After he'd gotten her giggling and laughing and lightened up a bit, he told her that he's really not comfortable dealing with this issue. He's going to find someone to whom to refer her tomorrow morning. He said that even if he felt qualified to deal with this issue, he'd have to refer her to someone else because he's too close to our family. (Small community, PA with a great sense of humor for dealing with kiddos, etc.) He told her that any time she needs someone with whom to talk, to call him, no matter the time. I've got all his numbers in my cell phone, so that's an easy matter. She's feeling really insecure about having to go to a counselor or psych. It's got her really down. She asked to get online for a bit, I told her yes, and next thing I knew, she was sweeping and mopping the front room. Usually, I have to nearly threaten her to get her to sweep and mop. That's how badly it's bugging her. <sigh> At least she can feel good about doing a good job out there. With all these issues, it's no wonder I got to a point where I nearly collapsed emotionally. I'm getting a bit better, but I think I'm going to see about cutting my dosages in half so that I can actually start *functioning* again, instead of sleeping half the day. I've got to get back to where I can help my family through all this. Kitten In a previous article, "Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <st_brigids_gate_farm@yahoo.com> said: >I've got to get >back to where I can help my family through all this. I just wonder why it's **always** you who needs to cut her needed meds to rally to the call. No one else is expected to put aside his issues or needs or health. Only you. Vicki Signature"Penetrating so many secrets we cease to believe in the unknowable. But there it sits, nevertheless, calmly licking its chops." - H. L. Mencken > In a previous article, "Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <st_brigids_gate_farm@yahoo.com> said: > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > to rally to the call. No one else is expected to put aside his issues > or needs or health. Only you. No, I need to cut the meds because I can't function at all if I'm sleeping all the time. It's a good thing I don't have a job outside the house. I'd be fired already. Sunday I skipped church because of my meds. I took them at 8am and only woke up at noon because one of the goat kids got out of the pasture (gotta figure out where); then decided to go between the gate and the latch post to get into the front yard; and got stuck halfway through. Her crying her head off is what woke me up. Chewy's working hard to help me through this now. Every time I start feeling guilty about not getting much done, he tells me it's OK. YD and YS are doing better about helping out around the house. I must admit it actually helps they're working so much now, so I'm getting some much-needed quiet around the house. YD is usually scheduled for a day shift (9a-3p) on Mondays, then evenings (3p-9p) on Thursdays and Fridays, then days (9a-3p) on Saturdays. YS is on a set schedule - open to close, Thursday-Saturday. He's actually staying in town with TF Wednesday night through Sunday morning, since they work until 11pm on Friday and Saturday. My health issues may be largely due to helping them with all their baggage for the past 7 years, but that doesn't mean I don't need to get well so I can get back to the business of helping *them* get well. I'm still planning to go to Mom's for a few weeks this summer. YS will be gone to his BF's for 8 weeks. YD is looking at going to her BM's for a week, *with* ground rules in place ahead of time. That will leave Chewy with at least one week all alone to sort himself out. Kitten That will > leave Chewy with at least one week all alone to sort himself out. > > Kitten No offense intended, Kitten, but he's had a long time to sort himself out. What's different now, that he's suddenly going to pull his head out? And vis-a-vis Vicki's question, you do realize that your family will not collapse into a sniveling heap if you don't actually do everything, right? It might not work exactly the way it would if *you* were queen of the world, but things will get done, people will eat and sleep and go to the doctor, etc. What would happen, do you think, if you actually admitted that you need Chewy's help as much as he needs yours? Are you afraid he'd let you down? Or that he'd suddenly realize you aren't perfect and stop loving you? This was a huge issue in my first marriage, and I continue to have to work at it in my current one. People who refuse to change the rules and boundaries of the relationship are sometimes afraid that the rules and boundaries are what's making the relationship, rather than the feelings between the two people. rebecca > That will > > leave Chewy with at least one week all alone to sort himself out. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > No offense intended, Kitten, but he's had a long time to sort himself out. > What's different now, that he's suddenly going to pull his head out? A couple of things are different now, including the scare he had when he realized how bad things have gotten for me. He's been a *lot* better lately, including putting spending time with just me as a priority and realizing that he needs to work on spending family time with the kids and me, instead of working himself to a frazzle. > And vis-a-vis Vicki's question, you do realize that your family will not > collapse into a sniveling heap if you don't actually do everything, right? LOL... Now there's a picture. No, they won't become a sniveling heap. > It might not work exactly the way it would if *you* were queen of the world, > but things will get done, people will eat and sleep and go to the doctor, > etc. Actually, they *don't* eat and they *don't* go to the doctor. Except for YS, that is. When I'm not up to cooking, he's usually the one who does. YD would just go without instead, as OS has done quite often since he moved out on his own. <whine> "I haven't eaten for days!" Well, did you buy any food with your last paycheck? <whine> "Nooo. My whole paycheck went for bills." Really? How much did you bring home in the last month? How much were your bills? <defensive mode> "I had $1,000. I had to pay my rent and utilities." OK, how much was that? <more defensive mode> "My rent was $500." OK, how much were your utilities? <extremely defensive mode> "About $150." OK. Did you buy any new clothes? <pout> "No." Hmmm.. alright. Did you buy any groceries? <growl> "No." Why not? <frown> "I didn't have enough money to buy groceries." Uhm, OK. You can come to the house for dinner. Your dad would like to spend some time with you. <growl> "No! I don't want to come to the farm!" OK, fine. > What would happen, do you think, if you actually admitted that you > need Chewy's help as much as he needs yours? Are you afraid he'd let you > down? Or that he'd suddenly realize you aren't perfect and stop loving you? Actually, I've spent the last few years telling Chewy (and the kids) that I need his (their) help. It's taken this long for it to sink in with them. Chewy's working on it. YD is angry because of it. YS helps, but he gets frustrated if he feels like he's the only one helping. And no, I'm not afraid Chewy will stop loving me. :-) > This was a huge issue in my first marriage, and I continue to have to work > at it in my current one. People who refuse to change the rules and > boundaries of the relationship are sometimes afraid that the rules and > boundaries are what's making the relationship, rather than the feelings > between the two people. The problems we've been having are *because* I've changed the rules and the boundaries. OS and YD don't like it and are rebelling. It scared Chewy. It worries YS. Gotta scoot. As I was typing this, I got a call about another rescue. Thankfully, I'm actually halfway functional since I cut my meds in half, rather than sleeping most of the day away. Cutting my meds was for me as much as for everyone else. Drug-induced sleep isn't the way to solve life's problems. And it doesn't help me relax, either. Kitten |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2010 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.