Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / August 2006

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and he is a
divorcee with two kids (3 and 7).  We love each other very much, but
have had some problems.  I really need some advice in what is normal
and not in regards to a relationship with his ex.

First, I should give you some background: They met while in high
school, and she became pregnant with their first child at that time (he
was 16, she was 18).  They tried to do the right thing and married, and
were together for a total of 7 years (dating and married).  There
relationship was somewhat rocky and on again off again from the start.
They were married for four years and had a second child, when she asked
for a divorce.  Turns out that she cheated on him with two other men.
They tried counseling to move past that, but it did not work, so they
divorced.

About 8 months or so after they divorced we started dating.  I was very
leery at first, as his divorce just seemed to new and was afraid he
just did not want to be single.  I have always been uncomfortable with
his comfort level with his ex and what they would talk about.  It just
seemed too friendly for me (i.e. they would talk almost every day about
anything and everything including relationships).  The talking did
taper off over time, but still not to a level I was ever comfortable
with.  Well a few months ago I discovered some emails that they
exchanged that were sexually inappropriate and I classify as cheating.
He swears up and down they were just emails, and nothing physical.
That I can believe since they do live several hours apart, and we spend
almost all of our free time together.  However I still looked at it as
a betrayal.  We decided to work things out, and have been trying very
hard.  I however told him, that in order for this to work, the
relationship with his ex-wife needs to change.  They would be
discussing issues that involve their divorce and kids, and not personal
matters.  He agreed.

Therefore, I definitely have anger towards him, which we have addressed
and worked on, but I also have anger towards her.  He has a hard time
understanding that, and always sticks up for her, stating "she is a
good person; she is always nice to me; and she has never done anything
to you."  I see that she has.  Don't get me wrong I think that 99.99%
of this is his fault, but I also feel that she hurt me as well.  He
tells me he is now a 100% over her, and that maybe he wasn't when we
started dating.  He states he has no desire to ever be with her again.

When I express my frustration to him, which is very rarely, he always
sticks up for her.  He said that she doesn't deserve that and that he
will stick up for her since she is the mother of their kids.  I NEVER
say anything about her as a mother, more that I think she hurt me and
does not have the highest moral values.  He tells me that they are
friends, will always be, that they will never hate each other, and I
need to deal with that.  I don't want them to hate each other, I just
don't want to feel like he is constantly sticking up to her and that
she is up on a pedestal because she is the mother of his children.

I guess is this normal (the being friends, sticking up for)?  Is this
something I need to deal with?  I am not for sure if I can handle
feeling like this much longer.  I do feel very jealous of her.  Are
these things that can be dealt with, with hard work, or are they
warning signs to get out?

Thank you for any advice.