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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / August 2006Challenge with girfriends special needs child
Hi everyone... I am new to this discussion board. I have been in a great relationship now for about a year and a half. I have 3 kids ages 10, 12, 14. My girlfriend has 2 ages 7 and 10. We have talked about working toward making relationship permanent. A big challenge has emerged. My girlfriend's 10-year-old son has minor autism (High-Functioning Autism) to be technical. Things have been mostly quite good. Now that Junior is more familiar and comfortable around me, he is starting to be less guarded about his behaviour. Two days ago, I witnessed him being violent to his mother. I had caught glimpses of this before, but this time was quite pronounced. It is also not uncommon for his condition. When something happens that an autistic cannot comprehend, such as sudden change, they can have what is termed a meltdown. It simply means a total over-whelming and some kind of manifestation. It often looks like a tantrum. Can include throwing things, yelling, swearing, and hitting. This time around, I was right there in room when Junior in his meltdown punched and kicked his mother. He is still only 10 and over 80 lbs. Mom is slender build so as Junior grows, it becoming more even size and strength wise. Again, these meltdowns are part of the condition. Yet, a part of the behaviour I wonder if it is not just kid defiance behaviour that is part of being a kid and not a part of the condition. In any case, for the first time, I was shocked enough to re-think the relationship. Or at the very least, think that unless a hard stop is put to this violent behaviour, that I do not know if the R has any potential. It is so hard to know my place. I could step between them and prevent the harm to her... which fortunately at this stage is still just minor, but if the precedent continues and he grows, real hurt could result. Also typical of this condition is that in this meltdown phase, they are not terribly cognizant of what is going on. I have a hard time not thinking this is a bit of an excuse for the kid to have an unbridled tantrum. It is so hard as an onlooker. I also am concerned that if he ever became violent with my kids, they would never want to be a part of us when he is around. Oh man... am I in over my head? I dont want to run. I love my girlfriend and know we could build a life together. With the one exception of her son and his behaviour. The boy's father is still in the picture and had been taking him a lot of weekends, but that has reduced to nil at this point. She is also considering giving him up to foster care at least part-time. This is more for the sake of the younger sibling who he has been violent to as well. Holy cow... Is that what I got myself into? I just re-read my text. This is long enough. Can anyone give any feedback to maybe help ask the right quesitons of myself in all of this? BTW... my girlfriend gets along extremely well with my kids and I get along with hers... except in the meltdown sitch. Feedback welcome. Chaz Is there any way you can just continue seeing each other? I, personally, can not imagine ever putting *my* children in this situation. With hope and heart, Kathleen -- He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. ~ C.S.Lewis > Hi everyone... I am new to this discussion board. > [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > > Feedback welcome. Chaz Thanks Kathleen... Your response is interesting as this is exactly what I have decided is probably the best thing for now. Just some time with G/F and I. We have a week away coming up soon. As far as putting my kids in this circumstance, it is probably not as bad as I may have given the impression. The violence has always been against Mom, younger sister, and caregiver. All are "easy targets" as another poster put it. Also, the violence at this stage is controllable as he is only the size of an average 10-year-old.... other than for sibling. This sounds pretty crazy as I am writing this. He has never got hostile with me, his classmates, neighbourhood kids, teachers, grandparents, or anyone else. He seems to recognize physical size too. I will say that if my kids were ever harmed or even threatened, I am affraid that would have to be it for the relationship. They come first. But there is absolutley no indication of this being a likelyhood. Anyway... ya, time with just the two of us will be the holding pattern. Thanks for the reply. PS... am as CS Lewis fan myself. Ciao. Chaz > Is there any way you can just continue seeing each other? > I, personally, can not imagine ever putting *my* children in this situation. [quoted text clipped - 65 lines] > > > > Feedback welcome. Chaz <snip> > Holy cow... Is that what I got myself into? I just re-read my text. > This is long enough. Can anyone give any feedback to maybe help ask [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Feedback welcome. Chaz Well, first, I would recommend talking with someone about autism. You will be doing no one any favors and quite possibly harm some- one if you move this relationship on along without fully under- standing the condition. And with understanding, acceptance. You're reminding me of my daughter's teacher from a couple of years ago who knew quite a bit about ADD but *still* sat there and told me that she questioned our daughter's diagnosis because 'some days she can focus on her work.' <sigh> Tracey Thanks Tracey... Yes, I have actually been pouring myself into learning about Autism in many ways. I have two other friends who have autisitc kids at vairous points on spectrum. Neither though deal with the violence manifestation. I am trying hard to grasp the understanding mindset for this condition. I will admit, it is extremely difficult. My kids were all neuro-typical and were raised with a lot of support and effective parenting (pre-divorce). Also... we just seem to have drawn the compliant cards with all 3 kids. My G/F has never had a united parenting front with her ex-h. Even when they were together. They are now apart and on somewhat different pages. Interestingly, Junior has verbalized fear of his Dad finding out about certain misbehaviours while with Mom. So again... the complex weaving of autism and everyday childish behaviour is so freakin' difficult to differentiate. Anyway... I am learning as much as I can on Autism. and as I posted above... am in holding pattern with the R right now... just spending time with G/F without kids until we determine next step. Thanks for support and feedback. Chaz. > <snip> > [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > Tracey > Hi everyone... I am new to this discussion board. > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Two days ago, I witnessed him being violent to his mother. <snipped> > This time around, I was right there in room when Junior in his meltdown > punched and kicked his mother. <snipped> > In any case, for the first time, I was shocked enough to re-think the > relationship. Or at the very least, think that unless a hard stop is > put to this violent behaviour, that I do not know if the R has any > potential. > > It is so hard to know my place. <snipped> Chaz, I didn't see you post about this meltdown in the autism group. Everyone OK? Taking some time to think is a good thing. Then if you choose to go on with things, you'll know you're doing it on a thought-out basis. I didn't have that chance before Chewy and I got serious. The issues of violence weren't apparent before then, and Chewy was in denial of the existance of those issues. If you'd like, you can google my past posts here. I don't think I'd have pulled out of our relationship if I'd known all the details ahead of time, but a lot of people would. I can't really say that mine was the *wisest* choice, but I don't regret my choice (even though it's been frustrating and scary as hell at times). I love my family dearly. The only thing I regret is not getting professional help for all of us - *early* on. I think continuing participation in the autism group will help you understand a bit more, but also, you really, really need to talk to people local to you. You've not yet gotten your mind wrapped around what it means to be on the AS spectrum, so you're still having a hard time determining what behavior is from the autism and what is from being a pre-pubescent boy. It's a hard thing to figure out. What does your girlfriend say about all this? How worried is she with his behavior? I know you wrote that, for her younger daughter's sake, she's considering placing her son in foster care. There are other options, as well. I'd have to call my mother or sister to see what options they looked at with my niece, just to have information on hand if ever needed. Would staying with his bio-father be a better option, or is that something that wouldn't work out? Also, any ideas what triggered the meltdown? I've found that tracking what's been going on helps me greatly in figuring out why I get overwhelmed, and then I'm able to knock out some of the things that push me over the edge. HTH, Kitten Yo Cait! Nice to hear from you. Will look up some of your past posts as you have suggested. Yes, everything OK with the meltdown. Just a bruise on g/f's leg from some flailing by Junior. I agree that I have not yet got mind wrapped around AS. Coming along though. My g/f is quite concerned about everything surrounding this issue. She would understand if I did not want to continue the R. Although this is not what either of us want. She is extremely concerned for her younger child. Younger child made a comment the other day that indicated she can feel the level of tension that is constant when Junior is around. Never knowing what will happen. In fact, Junior pushed her off her bike the other day in an outburst of "easy targeting". A close friend of my g/f who grew up with special needs sibling is suggesting part-time foster care for Junior to give younger sibling reprieve and chance at more normal home life (and safer). Mom needs it too to some degree but is commited to do whatever needs to be done. It is really tough on her. Bio-Dad is not very realistic about Junior's condition but seems to be coming along. He may be able to take him half-time in future. Especially if fostering is on the radar screen. Also... another bit of light on horizon... Mom has submitted proposal to local health authority for some specific support. Additional Behaivoural Intervention support, funding for a particular therapy treatment, and respite funding. If even some of these come through, will be a plus. Mom is willing to put a hard-stop to the violence factor. This is good. It is in fact, necessary. Manageable to some degree now, but it could become extremely dangerous as he grows. In the pre-step-parent role, I am quite limited as to what I can do. I did discuss with G/F the notion her standing by or near me if Junior appears to want to be violent. He does not "easy target" me. Perhaps then if he can learn to see his selectivity, it may help. Frankly not sure. this is just one minor strategy that we will try. Also... a friend of mine who has a HF Autistic child was recently dealing with a verbal tick (grunt) that child (age 12) was seemingly making involountarily. Went on for weeks. Mom and Dad snapped one day and told her consequences would result if she did this again (this was not their preferred strategy, but simply what came out in moment of frustration). Lo and behold... she self-regulated the behaviour and virtually stopped over the next few days. So perhaps even though autism was probably behind the behaviour, her cognative ability helped her make the change. The perceived consequences drew her attention to her own behaviour. My buddy said it was amazing and a bit of a breakthrough for them. Anyway... will continue to look for support and answers. Will read your former posts. Take care. Chaz > > Hi everyone... I am new to this discussion board. > > [quoted text clipped - 63 lines] > > Kitten > Yo Cait! Nice to hear from you. > > Will look up some of your past posts as you have suggested. > > Yes, everything OK with the meltdown. Just a bruise on g/f's leg from > some flailing by Junior. Cool. Minor stuff, then. Might be a good time, though, for her to look into things to teach him to do when he's feeling overwhelmed. Meltdowns can't always be predicted, but if y'all can start teaching him something in which to channel all that frustration, now would be a good time to start. As you said, he's not getting any smaller. > I agree that I have not yet got mind wrapped around AS. Coming along > though. My g/f is quite concerned about everything surrounding this [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > other day that indicated she can feel the level of tension that is > constant when Junior is around. Never knowing what will happen. I can understand that. But is the tension *really* constant? I know that it can sometimes feel that way, but what about the times when everyone is functioning well together? And even having fun together? > In fact, Junior pushed her off her bike the other day in an outburst of > "easy targeting". What was done to address this? I'm not sure you've ever posted what your gf does to address the times he does things like this. Maybe someone here will have an idea for something that might help. > A close friend of my g/f who grew up with special > needs sibling is suggesting part-time foster care for Junior to give > younger sibling reprieve and chance at more normal home life (and > safer). Mom needs it too to some degree but is commited to do whatever > needs to be done. It is really tough on her. Of course. This is one of her babies. She needs to find what she feels is best for him, to care for him. > Bio-Dad is not very realistic about Junior's condition but seems to be > coming along. He may be able to take him half-time in future. > Especially if fostering is on the radar screen. It seems to me that him spending more time with the bio-dad, if the bio-dad has a grasp on dealing with the issues, would be a good solution. Some father-son time would be good, as well as some mother-daughter time. And then they can each have a bit of time when one parent has time with both children together. That would give the other parent a bit of a break. > Also... another bit of light on horizon... Mom has submitted proposal > to local health authority for some specific support. Additional > Behaivoural Intervention support, funding for a particular therapy > treatment, and respite funding. If even some of these come through, > will be a plus. Getting whatever professional assistance she should be a huge positive. I'm sure she knows to be careful and research the various therapies wrt AS. There are so many "desparation therapies" that come through. I'm not sure if biofeedback is one that works with AS. It is supposed to help some people with ADHD. Also, check out Dr. Daniel Amen's website. He's a psychiatrist who's an expert on brain physiology. He looks for which section of the brain is causing the problems and deals with it from that point of reference. I don't recall if you've ever posted where y'all are located, but if you're near one of Dr. Amen's clinics, perhaps he could provide some input. His site is http://www.amenclinics.com > Mom is willing to put a hard-stop to the violence factor. This is > good. It is in fact, necessary. Manageable to some degree now, but it [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > to see his selectivity, it may help. Frankly not sure. this is just > one minor strategy that we will try. I read your post to Chewy. His concern about this part of your post was that if she steps toward you, it may indicate to him fear or him having the upper hand. (Not that those with AS are good with body language, but it pays not to take chances when dealing with rage.) He suggested that if you intend to do anything like this, she not step toward or behind you, but rather, you step forward toward her. This would show you supporting her, rather than her falling back on you. See the difference? > Also... a friend of mine who has a HF Autistic child was recently > dealing with a verbal tick (grunt) that child (age 12) was seemingly [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > consequences drew her attention to her own behaviour. My buddy said it > was amazing and a bit of a breakthrough for them. They'll just need to be careful to not let this color their thinking in a way that they begin feeling all her behaviors are intentional. AS spectrum folks are extremely intelligent, but it takes a *lot* of effort to change a behavior that crops up. Energy expended to change a habit here may deplete energy required for another desired behavior elsewhere. > Anyway... will continue to look for support and answers. Give it time and patience. It takes both to work on the sort of issues you have before you. > Will read your former posts. :-) Help yourself. That's why I didn't x-no-archive them. I hope that what we've been through can be of help to someone else. Kitten Chaz, My step son age 15 is also autism. He is not violent but i have been learning to deal with it. We just found out this year that he was. He was stealing from us all the time. I have learned that you have to talk to them and repeat yourself about things over and over again til they understand. They have a million things going through their mind at one time and they are set to one thing. My other step son age 11 he is the violent one. He has treatn to kill me, stab me and whatever else he can do. We have found out that they both need couseling. Their mother is hardly ever in the picture. The 3 of you (mom, bio dad, and you) need to sit down with her child in couseling and work on it all. Does the bio dad know what is going on? He might be able to help out. Sit down with your children also and explain to them what is going on and help them understand it. THere is a web sight that helps you with the autism and helps you understand each part of it. There is also a chat on it too. Do a search on it. I have read several books on it too to help me through it. If you want to know more about autism message me and i can try and help you. It is hard to deal with and you have to be strong and understanding. Pamela > Hi everyone... I am new to this discussion board. > [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > > Feedback welcome. Chaz |
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