Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / September 2006

Welcome to the group!

If it works for them they will keep on doing it.

This is a marital problem.  Who is doing the screaming?
All I know is that you can't change another's behavior, you can only change
your own.  Where can you start?  The change has got to begin with you.

I hope that is helpful...  I don't know what to suggest other than that but
someone else will be along before too long.
With hope and heart,
Kathleen

Well, Hi!  A couple comments here.

First, this is totally and completely normal behavior.  Our biological
children do this.  So don't freak that the kids are doing it.  Where your
problem lies is in how you and your partner are dealing with it.  So...
what, exactly are you correcting them for?

Okay, well, how partners handle discipline is really something you need to
be on the same page with.  Some couples parent together, some let the bio
parent do _everything_, some land in the middle.  Your wife, as the
bioparent, doesn't seem to have elevated you to parent status yet.
Sometimes this takes a while.  You aren't just earning the trust of the
kids, you're earning her trust as a coparent.

One quick thought, then I have to run, is whenever you have a problem, kick
it to her right away.  "honey, 13 yo left all the dishes scattered on the
floor, can you please tell her to pick them up?  Or pick them up for her?"
Or "honey, 9 year old has had the tv on volume 98 for an hour, I have a
splitting headache, can you please handle this?"

My personal home favorite is "honey, the dishwasher needs to be emptied
before I can finish the dinner dishes."  (Meaning- I don't give a rats a.s 
is you do it or you ride your kid to do his chores, but I ain't doing it for
either one of you.  Works every time.)

Anyway, more details on what your issues are with the kids might help you
get more specific advice.

Rebecca

Try changing your parenting tactics. Believe it or not, this doesn't
have to be a team effort. You make the decision to change, and the rest
of the family will follow. You take the first, positive steps. First,
no more screaming no matter what. If you have to remove yourself from
the situation to avoid a nasty confrontation, do it, and explain what
you are doing. "This family should not be yelling at each other. We
will no longer talk to each other this way. I'm going to go sit
outside/go for a walk/whatever to calm down a bit, and when I come
back, I hope we can talk about what happened."

Get some books on positive parenting techniques. Your children are
stuck in a negative feedback pattern. They do something you don't like,
and you scold them (we'll talk about how to instruct them on better
behavior), and they ignore you. Which frustrates you. Which means they
have won. Don't let them get to you. Reiterate your
instructions/request in a calm, firm voice. If they resist again, state
the natural consequences of their refusal to comply - 'if you don't get
down from there by the time I count to three, I will help you down
myself, so you don't hurt yourself.' Or 'Your homework must be done
before you play video games. If you can't resist the games, we'll have
to put them away for a few days until you can show you can be
responsible.'

Have family meetings. Get together during a time when there is no
conflict, and sit around the table to discuss family issues, like being
on time, doing chores, etc. Ask the children to help come up with
appropriate corrections for misdeeds. If the younger one spills Kool
Aid on the floor, then who should clean it up? Things like this.
Discuss fun things at family meetings, too, like where to go for
vacation next year or whether the younger one is old enough for kung fu
classes.

Google Positive Parenting and  you'll come up with a wealth of info. I
know there is a Yahoo group dedicated to this, and i'm sure you'll find
one here on Google too. Good luck!

Single mom to the King of Everything, not yet dealing with OPK's (Other
People's Kids)

I have never contributed to a group before but after reading this I had
to and share my own experience. Great advice btw.

I think many of us who have stepchildren go through awful times with the
stepkids and often fight with our husbands or wives because of them. I
remember being a stepchild myself and feeling initially awkward and
bitter toward my new stepmother, but as I grew older I realized I was
being selfish. This doesn't help anyone's situation now. I have two
stepkids, the youngest, a boy is 13, and the oldest, a girl is 16. I
have given up on being "friends" with the girl. I realize she is going
through a difficult time in her life. I try to give her the space and I
do try to spend time with her but I don't take offense if she doesn't
like me. I just try to get across that what I do and say is because I
care about her. Now, the boy took some adjusting to. His interests are
way beyond my scope of reality - video games and soccer. Two track mind.
Since my husband works every other Saturday I have some Saturdays until
1 with him. I figured I better adjust if it was going to work. In the
morning, we go to the park and kick the ball around. At first it was
embarrassing and he seemed to get a lot of laughs from me. But I tried
and he finally recognized that he was having a good time. As for the
video games, I bought him a subscription to GameFly for his birthday. He
told me it was his favorite present and it seemed like he had a
different respect for me for some reason. Maybe cause I bought him
something that he wanted! And it means that he can pick out video games
each week and when he comes for the weekend he has his chosen game ready
to be played. I also sit down with him for at least 30 minutes to play.

This might not be the best advice, but it seems to be working for me. I
adjust to their life's likings and they came around. It still isn't
perfect, but I do cherish the time I have kicking the ball around and
numbing my senses playing video games.

Hope this helps.

Erika