Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / September 2006

Do you know for sure that's how things happened between SD and BM?  I'm
asking because I'm on the other side of this - my YS's BF and SM
guilt-trip him about spending time with them in order to try to get him
to request living there.  I'm not saying ya'll are doing that, just
want you to look at what happened to see if BM really is guilt-tripping
or if SD can't make up her mind.  We've had a bit of that, too.

Now, I'll tell you how I handle it when it comes up.  Talk it over with
your husband, and then let him handle it.

Invariably, I get a phone call about something like this when YS's been
spending an extended period of time there, but he only spends extended
periods due to distance.  He's there 10 weeks of the year, split into
3-4 visits.  Both households home educate, so school schedules are not
a problem.

When YS calls to ask me if he can stay there instead of coming home, I
tell him that he's to keep his flight arrangements, then we will
discuss it when he gets home.  I want to hear from him why he wants to
make a switch, and I want to hear from him that it's what *he* wants,
not something they're pushing on him.

When he first arrives, we don't worry about it.  Since we usually have
quite a drive from the airport (but not nearly as long since BF had a
realization in the past year about just how far YS was having to travel
to/from the airport BF wanted us to use), we'll stop for something to
eat and to spend some time relaxing together.  Once we're back on the
road, if things are feeling relaxed enough, I ask him, "Ok, what's up?"

He starts telling me all the reasons he should move up there.  Then I
ask him how much thought he's put into determining if it's what he
wants.  Then we table it for a few days for thinking time.

This last time, when it was time to discuss it after we'd tabled it, he
kept avoiding the discussion.  Then he started avoiding phone calls
to/from his BF's house.  After a couple of weeks of that, I pinned him
down.  I told him we needed to discuss it and to discuss how it's going
to be dealt with.  Then he started telling me about guilt-trips they're
pulling on him.  He doesn't want to talk to them at this point, and he
doesn't want to go back and visit them.  He *does* want to go back and
spend time with his grandfather and he calls his grandfather now each
Tuesday evening.

To try to reduce some of the damage BF and SM have done to their
relationship with YS, I did discuss with YS's grandfather that there
seems to be some tension.  I told him I don't know what all's going on,
didn't tell him the things I *do* know about, and asked him if he could
keep an eye on the situation up there.  If anyone can get through to BF
that things they're doing are hurting his relationship with YS, it's
BF's father.  He's always been my "ace in the hole" when it comes to
concerns about YS while YS is up there visiting.

OK, so all that said - make sure ya'll aren't contributing to anything
that may be unintentional guilt-tripping.  If BM is truly
guilt-tripping, don't get into pros and cons about it with SD.  Just
accept what she tells you about it, let her know you understand that
it's bothering her, and see if you can figure ways where you can help
her understand BM a bit better.  A better understanding might help her
relationship with BM, which may help keep everything smoother in the
long run.

HTH,

Kitten

Yeah, pretty much.  You are making a number of assumptions that may or may
not be true.  One, that any kid can get a "better" education in a "stellar"
school district than in a regular one.  Two, that it really matters where a
10-year old kid goes to school.  Three, that suddenly seeing your birth kid
50% less than you do currently is a "small" price.  Four, that the kid would
have to change residences.

If you guys want the school, and BM lives only 20 minutes away from the
school, why does SD have to live with you during the school year?  Can you
just use your address?  People where I live routinely drive more than 20
minutes from home taking their kid to school.  Has BF approached BM?  Or do
you just leave all the communicating up to a 10 year old?

Basically, the parent who really wants something is the one that has to find
a way to make it work for the other parent.  And you seem just a scootch
dismissive of the enormity of asking a residential parent to change custody
of a young child.

JMO,
rebecca

In a previous article, "KT" <ksiciliano@phillymag.com> said:

OK, that was the very first mistake, and it was a doozy.  ANY changes
in schedule or custody should be propsed by a parent, to a parent.  It
was your DH's job to talk to biomom, and not SD's.  Now, I know that
SD might have just brought it up herself, but that's no reason for
your husband not to call his ex, parent to parent, and discuss the
matter and what it would mean to actual physical custody.

As far as you know.  Rule number one, don't believe anything a child
tells you about either parent.  Kids lie, for one thing, but even if
they're not lying, they are seeing things through their own lenses.
And they are children, not the best at interpreting other peoples'
motives.  What you see as Mom laying a guilt trip is, in reality, SD
feeling guilty.  SD feeling guilty does not mean that Mom is *trying*
to make her feel that way.  I have a daughter who does this, too; she
feels very responsible for other peoples' feelings, when she's not.
So the only way this will get straightened out is for your husband to
talk to his ex.

Seriously.  Can't you see an ordinary remark like "Boy I'd miss you"
turn into a full fledged guilt attack in a sensitive kid?

Three days a week isn't bad; lots of non-custodial parents get a lot
less than that.  Since your DH and his ex get along well, then it's
his job to talk to her.  From what you've said, SD brought it up, and
DH hasn't been involved in the discussion at all.

Your  opinion about prices that Mom should pay and what Mom should do
or feel are best kept to yourself and your husband.  He should always
take your opinion into account, but in the end, he's the one who has
to negotiate any changes.  

Whatever you do, don't judge.  You're not standing in her shoes, you
can't know about her feelings for her daughter.

Vicki
--  
"Penetrating so many secrets we cease to believe in the unknowable.
But there it sits, nevertheless, calmly licking its chops."
                                              - H. L. Mencken