Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / September 2006

No advice, just wondering what if she never developes a relationship with
him?  What if he is always the "visiter", the outsider to your home and your
new family?  How can you move ahead with plans to marriage at this point and
"hope that things will work out"?  Just curious.
With hope and heart,
Kathleen

I would get counseling before you get married and certainly before you bring
ANY more children into the picture.  Seriously.

Do you want to marry someone that is unwilling to talk over problems and
dilemmas that come up?

Heather

What is it that you really expect from her? Do you want her to love your
child? Do you want her to want to spend time with your child? Are you sure
your expectations are realistic?

Fear is a big thing when it comes to making decisions, isn't it?

I agree with the others that it is important to be able to discuss things
with your future spouse. Is there a chance you are making your fiancee feel
blamed and this is why she doesn't want to discuss it? Can you get her to
see this problem as yours, not hers? I mean discuss how you fear things will
turn out without making her feel you are judging her. Own the problem and
seek out her assistance in fixing things so you feel safer, less worried
etc. In my experience it is easier to respond to someone who wants to
discuss stuff if it is started in the "I have a problem, can you help me?"
way.

Make sense?

Amy

Can you explain what you mean here?  I don't know that I understand what
you mean by this.  

I am a step mother of 2 and I was in the same situation as your fiance.
I would sit down with her and tell her your concerns about her
feelings towards your son.  It does not get better by itself, it only
gets harder.  Having more children with her could even make it worse if
you do not deal with it up front.  I know that too, we had a baby last
year and it has actually made things more difficult.
If she is not willing to work on a relationship with your son, then
maybe she is not the right woman for you.  Your son should be your
primary focus.  Don't forget, he did not ask to be put in this
situation.  I think she can work on building a relationship with him
but it is something she is going to have to focus on. I would reccomend
her spending some one on one time with him to learn more about him and
the person he is becoming.  Find out what his interests are and see if
she can incorporate herself into his life a bit to help build some kind
of bond.
Good luck

wow thats kind of strange.  I will tell you how I handled a situation
with any boyfriend who had children.  I always was very careful to not
force myself on his children and be overly doting on them when they
didnt even know me.  I never wanted the children to feel that they might
lose some of their dads time to me.  So I was polite and smiled alot and
let the children accept me on their own time, I never pushed myself on
them, nor did I get upset if they were slow to getting used to me.  I
respected their boundries and I tried to put myself in their shoes and
realize it is their daddy and of course they would be a little unsure.
If his children were speaking to him, I wouldnt barge into the
conversation, I would just sit and eventually they started talking to me
and saying hi and then we were pals and I loved them like my own
children.  I think all children should be just as important as your own.
I also think it is good to be available to them anytime they want to
talk and they love it when someone take the time to listen, really
listen.  I think listening to children is so very important because
everyones feelings are valid.  I think your a great father to not let
your son see any arguments or disagreements between you and his real
mom.  I think  the children should never hear bad things about their
parents from either one of them because it is so unhealthy for them and
causes them worries that a child should never have to go threw.  Its
hard enough and the more you and his mom keep handling things privately
between you to the better off he will be.   I split with my sons father
when he was four and even though he put me threw some trying times, I
never allowed my son to hear any bad or negative remarks made about him.
His dad he loved as much as me and I never wanted to destroy that ever.
He is  thirty two now and  he wrote me a letter once when I was away and
in that letter he said,   Mom you did the best you could as a child
raising a child, you always taught me right from wrong and you always
taught me to embrace my feelings and I love you for that.    I cried
when I read that and he has grown into a wonderful adult.  He is awesome
and he has a little of both of us in him .   Keep up the good work and
as far as your future bride I dont think it sounds very good, it sounds
like she is jealous of your time with him, that is not the best start
espescially if she is planning a life with you because he is your life.
It seems by now she should be having a wonderful relationship with him
if your getting married.  I think I would have a heart to heart talk
with her and tell her how you feel and find out how she reacts and what
she says.  whatever you do you better do it quick.  good luck, thats
just my opinion but I am no one to judge