Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / November 2006

He needs to talk to some lawyers who can advise him!
With hope and heart,
Kathleen

--
He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn,
or the food our spirits were designed to feed on.  There is no other.
~ C.S.Lewis

In a previous article, 1975job@gmail.com said:

Can I suggest that you get your own place for a year?  These kids are
at a tough place in their own lives, trying to adjust to a divorce and
have a biomom who is not particularly interested in helping them
adjust to their dad's new life.  They're immature but the decisions
they make now may last forever.

If you moved to your SO's location, but found a separate place to
live, that would serve two purposes; it would give the kids time and
space to get to know you without feeling that you're moving in on
*their* space.  You'll feel like an intruder to them; if you have your
own place, that won't be so acute.  And it will give *you* time and
space to decide if you really want to make a permanent committment
here.  You have been carrying on a long-distance relationship, but
things will be different when you can see each other every day.

This is the way my husband and I did it, and it worked extremely well.
He had an apartment close by, and he came over to our house, we went
over to his place (they still remember that he always had popsicles in
the freezer for them).  We've been married now for 10 years.  (And
yes, living together for all of them!  :-)  )

You are probably impatient to start a life together after waiting for
so long, but if you want this to work, you'll take the time that you
need, that the kids need.

Vicki

I married late in life, (forty's, no children) and made it a point not to
make my presents known until we determined "marriage" was the next step, in
the best interest of her son's emtional stability.  That took about over a
year, then I made my presents only briefly known up to the month of
marriage.  Since then I pro-actively supported my stepson (then 6yrs old)
visiting his dad every other weekend regardless.

He's now an adolescent, so I've stepped back in favor of giving him some
room for choices.  Remember, visitation is a choice for adolescents and
what choice they make is based on how they feel about their parents
actions.   Teens are smarter then most parents think, yet it natural for
them to harbor hopes.  And change will come about when the step-parent
establishes themselves in the proper manner.

Once they reach adolescent, they begin to find their individuality and
attempt applying the values and morals they've learned from their parents.
I've treated my stepson like he was my own, always putting his best
interests above my own, behaving like a Dad should.  Saddly, he's
determining that his actual father doesn't put his best interests at heart,
and it's been especially pronounced since remarrying, which is wrong.  So,
when he's visits his dad, ninety percent of his time is spent at a buddy's
home near by

Since you're moving in with his father before marriage, and you've never
met the children, I can't support the manner in which your SO's is behaving
when it comes to his children.  It's no wonder their reacting with
hostility.  Doesn't sound as though he's thinking of what's emotionally
best for them.... then making decisions accordingly.