Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / October 2006

Hi Everyone,

I'm a divorced Dad who has always been very involved with my 2 great
kids (8 and 4). I've been living away from my kids (not my choice)
since spring 2005 and am since divorced. My ex has custody (standard in
Spain). My ex and I have kept the good of the kids in mind during all
the whole process of separation and divorce, and I still go to the
house that the ex and I own every weekday to get the up and to school
(since ex starts work very early) and have them at my place for a long
lunch every day, plus every other weekend, etc.

After the separation, I started a relationship with a great widow, C,
who's husband passed away a few years ago. She has 2 kids (13 and 8).
We moved in together at the start of the school year, and just moved
into a new house together a few weeks ago.

C's kids are typically Spanish - very loud, impolite (from an American
point of view - at a guess kind of what US kids would seem like to
Japanese parents), and they are also very high energy. After their Dad
died, they of course were spoiled to death by everyone, and C is not
much in the discipline department (although GREAT in the love and
organization department), and they are now good hearted kids and very
hard working and self sufficient. BUT, they are also... spoiled. I
recognized that before we moved in, and really thought that a good dose
of discipline was exactly what THEY needed.

Well, we're two months into living together, and I've already had two
days this week where I felt really bummed about how things are working
out. Part of it is trying to get them under control. I try talking,
hugs, support, encouragement, but also call them when they are doing
things wrong. For them, I understand it's tough - they moved away from
their town to come to mine, have to adjust to new schools and new
friends, and they are now being discipled at home. We've had continuous
run ins, and it's wearing me down.

Also, although the kids have always pretty much gotten along together
before, moving to the new house seems to have disturbed the balance.
E.g. they share rooms (we have a room for the boys, one for the girls,
and one for us old folk), and I've heard from both of mine that they
were told by their "roommates" that the room belonged to THEM (C's
kids) in no uncertain terms. There are fights over the computers, the
play stations, the toys, the books, the TV... in short, they are all in
"power grab" mode.

Also, before C and I moved in together, lunch time was me making a
quick, healthy lunch and then spending time with the kids (leaving the
plates for at night). I now am making lunch for 4 kids, one of whom
arrives later, and cleanup has to be done directly so that the kitchen
is clean when C arrives, and the whole process now takes up almost all
of the long (1PM - 3 PM) lunch. I feel disconnected from my kids.

Please let me hear from people who successfully made this kind of
switch - what can I do to make the process better?!?!?

Thanks,
Ed