How to keep the kid and mom happy...

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rod444rod@hotmail.com - 30 Oct 2006 03:14 GMT

First post here I think, but I recognize some familiar names :-)

I'm loving going out with my gf, but just learning about the
challenging road ahead that might lead to step parenting for me. My
kids are almost grown. Hers are younger, and its the teenage daughter
that worries me the most.

If my gf and I are gone from the house for more than an hour, we can be
sure to get a phone call from the daughter. It's never anything
important, and the first question is always, "Where are you guys?"
which of course means she's not really calling about something, she's
checking up on us.

Daughter hasn't fully accepted me yet, and I realize it's likely to be
quite a process (been going out with her mom for 9 months). There are
times when we have good fun together, and other times when daughter
will go all weekend without looking me in the eye and I feel like an
'intruder' in their turf.

I realize it will take time... but there are also times that I realize
that she is really trying to, and succeeds in manipulating mom. Her mom
struggles with this giant juggling act trying to keep daughter happy,
have enough time for us, and give the other kids enough attention,
work, social life, volunteering, housework, a million things... geez,
sometimes I just wanna know: Can this stuff all work out happily for
everyone?

Advice from the trenches for a newbie on the scene? Should I go buy
armor or track shoes?

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rebecca - 30 Oct 2006 04:51 GMT

> sometimes I just wanna know: Can this stuff all work out happily for
> everyone?
>
> Advice from the trenches for a newbie on the scene? Should I go buy
> armor or track shoes?

My brother-in-law always says "you can have anything you want, but you can't
have everything you want." Yeah, it can work. It won't work exactly the
way you expect, things will go wrong, sometimes really big things will go
wrong. But there are rewards, too.

That's not an answer, I guess, it always depends on too many variables to
give a pat response.

rebecca

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Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe - 30 Oct 2006 06:18 GMT

> First post here I think, but I recognize some familiar names :-)

Heh. You want in the trenches? You got it. We're down to our
youngest two teens still at home, a 16yo boy and a 17yo girl.

<snipped>

> If my gf and I are gone from the house for more than an hour, we can be
> sure to get a phone call from the daughter. It's never anything
> important, and the first question is always, "Where are you guys?"
> which of course means she's not really calling about something, she's
> checking up on us.

Maybe. Maybe not. For YS16, it's always been about curiosity. For
YD17 and OS18, it's been about their insecurity issues, worrying that
something bad's going to happen.

> Daughter hasn't fully accepted me yet, and I realize it's likely to be
> quite a process (been going out with her mom for 9 months). There are
> times when we have good fun together, and other times when daughter
> will go all weekend without looking me in the eye and I feel like an
> 'intruder' in their turf.

Doesn't matter. If she was your own child, she'd still be that way
with you. Be glad there are fun times together. When it's not so fun,
remember those fun times. That will keep you from going insane.

> I realize it will take time... but there are also times that I realize
> that she is really trying to, and succeeds in manipulating mom. Her mom
[quoted text clipped - 3 lines]
> sometimes I just wanna know: Can this stuff all work out happily for
> everyone?

The best advice I can offer is for you to *NOT* be demanding of her
time. Be her release, her relaxation, her avenue for destressing.
When you're over, help with cooking dinner and cleaning up the kitchen
afterwards. If she's exhausted, play a boardgame with the kids or
something, to keep them occupied so she can rest for a few minutes.

(This was a tough week for me, so I stayed home from church today,
after getting up at 4am to back cinnamon rolls for the family to take
to church, then when Chewy and the kids got home, they took care of all
the feeding that needed to be done, did everything except making dinner
and getting a batch of kefir started, and then Chewy did the dishes
while I rested in the living room - with the 3 baby goats I'm
bottle-feeding, all of which have colds right now.)

> Advice from the trenches for a newbie on the scene? Should I go buy
> armor or track shoes?

Depends on your goals. Do you want to fight a battle or win a race?

Kitten

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Stepwallet - 30 Oct 2006 15:07 GMT

> [...] "Where are you guys?"
> which of course means she's not really calling about something, she's
> checking up on us.

Sounds like she's fishing to find out if you're annoyed that she's
called, and giving herself a few seconds to gather her chaotic thoughts
and ask what she really wants. At least that's how I've come to read
exactly similar calls from my own little miss teenage stepdaughter.

I think, from the care and willingness to learn, help, cater for and
love that you've expressed that you're really the kind of bloke that's
going to find a way through anything she's going to throw at you -
including the dinnerplates. Don't worry, enjoy the ride, trust your
feelings and look forward to acquiring a new Daughter.

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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / October 2006

How to keep the kid and mom happy...