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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / December 2006BM bad talk in front of child...Why?!
Issue # 3 for me. Things have been going well with my situation, however there is something that is really, really bothering me. I love my bf's Mom, I think she is very sweet, BUT, she talks sh.t on BM all the time, even in front of soon to be SD. I just find this extremely inappropriate. She doesn't actually SAY BM's name, but she spells it out and then goes on to say how she really doesn't want to take soon to be SD to see her anymore. Soon to be SD is six - she can read and write and she know's her mom's name and knows plans of the upcoming trip to visit her so I don't see how the spelling is making it better. My BF has brought it up to his mom several times - saying that it will only backfire on her, that soon to be SD will always love her mom, but her general feeling is that it's her house so she can pretty much say whatever she wants whenever she wants. She even asked my BF to call his lawyer and make it that BM never sees has to see her daughter again. She has no place to do that and my BF is extremely anti that whole idea. I think this is bothering me because I'm pretty sure this is going to be a major issue. I get it - the BM has major issues and is unfit to be a mother by courts standards, however, I also know how children are and for the most part, unless BM does something particularly shitty to soon to be SD, she will always and forever love her mom. BM is allowed to see soon to be SD once a month and has to be at her mothers house or she will get in trouble. Because SD is in school now, she only get's to see her maybe 3-4 days a year so I'm thinking just let her freaking have the good thoughts of her Mom. Maybe because I wasn't there when the split went down, but it seems like his mom cannot get passed this whole thing and is increasingly talking about in front of soon to be SD, and telling me all about what happened in front of her, and I'm very polite, so I never know what to say?! She seems to be a little obsessed and I just don't get it - just let SD have good thoughts. Why is that so hard? Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? > Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? Well, do you remember when you said a while back that the Grandmother would be having a sort of mother-like role with the child, one that you would gladly let her have? This is what you are going to have to put up with - daily - if you stay AND continue to let the Grandmother have such an enormous say in the child's life. No amount of chastising is going to change her mind. You can bitch all you want. She is who she is. But just know that this is what you are getting into, an already established partnership and situation between your SO and his mother, and things are the way they are. And she CAN say what she wants. If you both don't like it, then find other sitting arrangements or quit letting the Grandmother have "mother" duties. Heather > > Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > daily - if you stay AND continue to let the Grandmother have such an > enormous say in the child's life. Sorry for "bitching" but I don't care if she is mother, grandmother or aunt. It's just not right in my opinion. It's the moral issue. I have two nephews whom I love to death, one of them I kept a lot when he was younger. Do I like his mother all that much? Not really she was kind of shitty to my brother, but do I proceed to talk sh.t about her around him? No. It's just not cool to me no matter what. And just because I appreciate them having a mother-daughter like situation doesn't mean that she is not going to do things that I don't like that we are going to have to address. I love his mom and think what she has done is great, but it doesn't make her imperfect me. Am I supposed to sit there and listen to her bad mouth BM in front of SD and just sit there and nod yes em' and proceed to engage in what is inappropriate to me? Maybe my question way miss guided... I was asking if anyone had to deal with the awkwardness of the situation, if the child eventually rebelled from this sort of behavior? That is my main concern here, what light she is going to see her mom in, what conflict this will cause for grandma and SD. I know how it feels to be told that your parents are worth sh.t from someone you care about, it hurts like hell and just made me angrier at the person who said it. And thank you for reading my older post, but it seems you failed to read the rest when I stated that I was okay with the idea of me being a complete stepmother, but right now wasn't my place because we are only engaged and don't live together. We are currently working very hard to meet our goals and we will have a different living situation in about a year. >> > Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? >> [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > Sorry for "bitching" but I don't care if she is mother, grandmother or > aunt. It's just not right in my opinion. It's the moral issue. I never said it was "right". > And just because I appreciate them having a mother-daughter like > situation doesn't mean that she is not going to do things that I don't [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > just sit there and nod yes em' and proceed to engage in what is > inappropriate to me? If it is her house then you don't have much say do you? All I'm trying to tell you is that maybe you disagree and maybe it is wrong but that is not going to change anything. But hey, if you want to fight that fight then go for it. Maybe she'll come to her senses and do things your way. Maybe my question way miss guided... I was asking > if anyone had to deal with the awkwardness of the situation, if the > child eventually rebelled from this sort of behavior? I think the fact is that, whether it is awkward or not, it is something you'll have to deal with. I don't think you have much say as to what she does in her own home. I guess you could mention it to her, but I believe you said you or your SO already did and the Grandmother stated that it was her house. So there you go. That is my main > concern here, what light she is going to see her mom in, what conflict > this will cause for grandma and SD. I know how it feels to be told that [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > complete stepmother, but right now wasn't my place because we are only > engaged and don't live together. Ok well then what say do you have? Who are you to get angry and say something to the Grandmother? I read your post, dear, and what I am pointing out is that if you are OK with being a complete step-mother then you are not going to have much say in how the "mother figure" acts. Heather >> > Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? >> [quoted text clipped - 31 lines] >meet our goals and we will have a different living situation in about a >year. Two things. As a practical matter, the way folks deal with inappropriate conversations is to change the subject. Gently. Or find a reason to change venue. Grandma's getting that way - hey, now's the time to go to the park or the mall, or just outside! All the hullaballoo getting everyone going will derail the conversation. Your other option is to find somewhere else to go. You don't have to sit there and listen when you're there. What you have other than that is your own actions and your own example. Don't badmouth the BM yourself. But the BIG thing is, there is a fundamental disconnect between you being happy with her having the stepmother role instead of you having it (for now), AND the kids being stepmothered the way YOU would do it! Right or wrong, she's just plain not going to be like a plug-in older version of you. There's a definite aspect here of you wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Now, that doesn't make what she's doing right - but it does go to how much control you can have. You're the girlfriend. That's it and all. Bring up your concern with your boyfriend. But he's the only one that has any leverage at all, and I can tell you he probably doesn't have a make-Grandma-say-only-what-I-want turnkey either! Cheers, Banty > Two things. > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > have to sit there and listen when you're there. What you have other than that > is your own actions and your own example. Don't badmouth the BM yourself. > But the BIG thing is, there is a fundamental disconnect between you being happy > with her having the stepmother role instead of you having it (for now), AND the > kids being stepmothered the way YOU would do it! Right or wrong, she's just > plain not going to be like a plug-in older version of you. There's a definite > aspect here of you wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Though I do see your point, I don't entirely agree with you. I think that a lot of this is about how I would deal with this *particular* situation that I'm sternly against with any kids, but I'm not unhappy with his mom having the role now. I think she does a fine job and I respect her for all that she has done. I don't think she'll expect me to be like her, so I def. don't expect that from her. This whole bad mouthing thing crawls under my skin, especially when my opinion is asked and she wants me to join in on the fun. Guess I'll just have to change the subject from now on. Perhaps the most disturbing thing about listening to my MIL badmouth the ex was knowing that in all likeliness she would someday badmouth me in the same way. With hope and heart, Kathleen -- He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. ~ C.S.Lewis > > Two things. > > [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > opinion is asked and she wants me to join in on the fun. Guess I'll > just have to change the subject from now on. > Perhaps the most disturbing thing about listening to my MIL badmouth the ex > was knowing that in all likeliness she would someday badmouth me in the same > way. > With hope and heart, > Kathleen That's actually really funny because I've had exactly the same thoughts. She raves about me to my boyfriend all the time, but something about this makes me a little nervous. Guess I'll just have to get over. Meloney > Issue # 3 for me. Things have been going well with my situation, > however there is something that is really, really bothering me. I love [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? SD loves her mom, and in a child's mind that means mom is good, even if no adult would ever reach that conclusion. Let BF know that no good can come of him allowing his mother to run down his ex, it just reinforced the whole us against them situation that already exists. A child doesnt need to know all the failing of their parents. Tell BF to speak to his mom, the only thing that can come of this is bad blood between SD and her grandma. BF needs to speak to her alone (without you present) and make it clear that he has told you to take the SD out of the room if grandma starts discussing adult issues in front of the kid. If during a visitation one side of the family starts speaking ill of another I generally have the advantage of short-circuiting the conversation by claiming ignorance of the whole situation. You really cant do that, but you can take SD out of the situation and depending of the future MIL you might consider making the removal obvious enough point out the pettyness of her behavior. Standing up for birth mom even if only second hand can go a long way to winning the kiddo's trust. Ghostwriter > SD loves her mom, and in a child's mind that means mom is good, even if > no adult would ever reach that conclusion. Let BF know that no good [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > present) and make it clear that he has told you to take the SD out of > the room if grandma starts discussing adult issues in front of the kid. Well see, future MIL is kind of sneaky. My BF has told her to cut it out and for the most part, in front of him, she does. But, as soon as he leaves the room or if her and I are out shopping together with SD, she'll start going on this tangent. I think she has picked up on the fact that for the most part, I'm pretty quiet, so I'm sort of her ear in all this. > Standing up for birth mom even if only second hand can go a long way to > winning the kiddo's trust. Yes, I try to be as nice as I can. Her BM does have some major issues that SD has begun to notice. My BF and I try to deal with it the best way we can, but she is becoming a little curious and some things are harder to explain than others. In a previous article, "Meloneyd" <meloneydill@aol.com> said: >Well see, future MIL is kind of sneaky. My BF has told her to cut it >out and for the most part, in front of him, she does. But, as soon as >he leaves the room or if her and I are out shopping together with SD, >she'll start going on this tangent. I think she has picked up on the >fact that for the most part, I'm pretty quiet, so I'm sort of her ear >in all this. Maybe you should just say, when you hear it coming, "Oh, look over there!" or whatever. (Not literally, but you get my drift.) Just pre-empt her every time. When she starts, change the subject. When she tries to change it back, just don't hear her. This is something you can control; not what she says, but how you react to it. Vicki  Signature"Penetrating so many secrets we cease to believe in the unknowable. But there it sits, nevertheless, calmly licking its chops." - H. L. Mencken > > SD loves her mom, and in a child's mind that means mom is good, even if > > no adult would ever reach that conclusion. Let BF know that no good [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > way we can, but she is becoming a little curious and some things are > harder to explain than others. I know that in foster parenting a lot of the time people have a hard time stepping up and intervening with birth families. The thought is that we really arent the parent and shouldnt interfere, and for the most part that is the right choice. But you are taking the position of protecting and caring for this little girl, forget about Biomom, it might be time to start flexing that muscle.. Make a blunt point of it say, "Thats adult business and doesnt need discussed in front of SD. She too young to understand, you'll just confuse her." You might agree with every word she saids, but you dont discuss complex adult situations in front of a child that doesnt understand but dearly loves one of the subjects under discussion, any more than you would discuss sexual positions in front of her. Protect the kid even if you eventually have to tell grandma to shut the hell up. As far as biomom issues stick with what works for me "I dont know if she can get better, I really hope so, but protecting you comes first." You need to start thinking in terms of what is best for this little girl and leave any personal fears, etc behind. Not that I am saying you dont already do that but you get my point. But that means that inviting bio-mom to a little more when practical and volunteering to monitor more telephone calls so that they talk a little more might be the best thing. Make your life more complicated and less enjoyable so that SD's life is better, something we can all relate with. The first thing I look for with a new placement is family members that can help. So have you ever spoken with BM's parents, siblings, etc. ? Assuming that you can find a sane one, let them talk to SD about mom's problems(at an age approprate level), since they are in the "other" camp. If possible suggest that SD call a safe adult when she has questions about mom's behavior. Encourage relationships there so that the love can be appreciated while protecting the safety. Hope that helps Ghostwriter > As far as biomom issues stick with what works for me "I dont know if > she can get better, I really hope so, but protecting you comes first." [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > the best thing. Make your life more complicated and less enjoyable so > that SD's life is better, something we can all relate with. Interesting... this situation is really a bit different. BM rarely has a phone in service and she lives miles and miles away. The BM's mom calls sometimes and SD really appreciates that, but it's really hard to get a hold of someone who usually doesn't have a phone. My BF is really, really good when it comes to dealing with the difficult questoins. I just sit there and try to support him. > The first thing I look for with a new placement is family members that > can help. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > questions about mom's behavior. Encourage relationships there so that > the love can be appreciated while protecting the safety. Like I said above, BM's mother is good with stuff like that. She understands that her daughter has some major issues and is actually trying to get custody of her unborn child. As far as me telling future MIL to shut the hell up, not going to happen. I'm not really one for confrontation and the other's are right, I just have to try my hardest to change the subject. My BF keeps on her when it comes to those kind of things, but she is grown so there is a limit as to what he can do. Grandma and SD are going to visit BM tomorrow. My BF is thinking about changing the arrangement so that BM can see SD more often, but that is going to be a huge battle between him and his Mom who want's BM to have nothing to do with SD, but in the end he's the one who has sole custody of her, so he makes those decisions. > > As far as biomom issues stick with what works for me "I dont know if > > she can get better, I really hope so, but protecting you comes first." [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > understands that her daughter has some major issues and is actually > trying to get custody of her unborn child. It's good that she's being supportive. You mentioned that SD is starting to notice the issues her BM has. What worked for me when OS and YD brought up such things was along the lines of, "Your mother has some things she needs to get worked out. She loves you a lot, and so she's focusing on getting better so that she will be able to spend more time with you." Not that I believed a word of it, but ... Ya know... > As far as me telling future MIL to shut the hell up, not going to > happen. I'm not really one for confrontation and the other's are right, > I just have to try my hardest to change the subject. My BF keeps on > her when it comes to those kind of things, but she is grown so there is > a limit as to what he can do. Well, there's also a limit to what goes on in your interactions with her, one you set. You could, in a very non-confrontational way, tell her that it makes you very uncomfortable when she talks badly about BM, especially when she does it in front of SD. Tell her that you're worried that it will upset SD and cause emotional and mental injury. Let it come gently and from your concern for SD. Let her see that concern for SD. > Grandma and SD are going to visit BM tomorrow. My BF is thinking about > changing the arrangement so that BM can see SD more often, but that is > going to be a huge battle between him and his Mom who want's BM to have > nothing to do with SD, but in the end he's the one who has sole custody > of her, so he makes those decisions. I'd advise going slowly, not only because of your future MIL's reactions, but also because SD will need the time to adjust. If he adds just a little bit of time here and there, monitoring how things are going with SD, then moving on from there, hopefully it will go more smoothly. Kitten |
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