Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / April 2007

Yep.

I don't really disagree with "Robert from Michigan" either, but I have a couple
of red flags I see flying when I read his post.  It's just so heavy-handed about
this stuff.

First of all, in this thread and also the "bio mom probs" thread, I see this
self-orientation that some step parents have about how someone else - a step
child, even a bio child, an ex, respects *them*.  This is that utterance or
incident shows how much the that awful other person don't 'spect them  :-/  
Well, yes, people should treat each other with basic respect, including
families, but inevitably people show their not-so-great sides to each other in
any family.  And all too often I've seen this "lack of respect" as a prelude to
"my way or the highway".  *Especially* with teens.

Well - life isn't always about oneself, and whether or not oneself is getting
respected (and, dammit, I think a lot of this "but in the Real World they have
to have learned respect" stuff is just self-justifiction for oneself thinking
one needs all that 'spect!).

Again, of course peole need to respect either other, but a heavy-handed emphasis
on this warns me that maybe there is either some desire for *power* really going
on, or a rationalization for impending *rejection* that's going on.  Not saying
it's so, but saying the needle on my BS detector is starting to move...

So that's one red flag.

The other one is the one I've talked about so often - teens.  Not too many teens
will be saying "yes, sir", "no, ma'am", setting the table on time, and sitting
on the couch with their hands folded, bringing in good grades and sports
trophies, now are there!  (Going to an extreme I admit for emphasis.)  They
*are* increasingly independant, they *are* still developing their thinking
skills, and they *do* push back.  Normal, good ones.  And ones who have gone
through all the upheavals that lead people to be posting in
alt.support.step-parents about them  - - even more so!!

And if that push-back and ordinary rebellion gets picked up by a parent (step OR
bio) as an excuse to reject them, it's a damn tragedy, show of weakness and
immaturity, and abandonment of obligation.

Banty

Well I never said they should be "obedient" especially blindly.  I simply
said they need to learn to respect, there is a line there.
children (over 4 or 5) know what is right and wrong for the most part.
Whether they chose to follow what is right is an issue of itself.
If the child is put in a position that is immoral, improper, illegal or
otherwise WRONG  they need to speak up and tell an adult they can trust.
Ultimately its the parents responsibility.   I happen to see parent actually
teaching children disrespect by either doing nothing to correct it or
teaching it by example toward the children or other adults in their life.
If parents did their job and taught respect, and tollerance toward others
that are different we would have a lot less violence in this world!

I can only say one thing about someone like that, I would dump her and if
doesnt then he has let that "evil" women get the best of him and his
children, I would never be with someone that did not love my children and
care for them in a manner that is fitting.. any sort of issues that I felt
uncomfortable to leave my children with would leave me no choice but to tell
her good bye.  My children are mine  by blood while my "wife" is by choice -
I would say "she" is the burden in that situation NOT the children.

snip"she sent them letters detailing what burdens they were.."
THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG!! children are NEVER a burden!! if they are thought of
that way then maybe the parent should have given the child up at birth to
another couple that tries to have children can not due to biologial reasons,
but would not only give of their heart, time and love, but for most would
give up almost anything to be a parent.

example I have a friend that lost 2 of her 4 children to "children and
youth" or CPS its called in some states because she was unable to care for
them.  My wife and I are trying to get her to give us the youngest of the 2
she has not yet lost to the state - the mother is stating she can not handle
both of them and her father had both of them till about 8 months ago (he had
them for last 8 yrs) when he sent the oldest to live with her, he is now
planning on bringing her the other child in the next few weeks.  she has
stated to me that she is not sure if she can handle both of them.  I have
offered to drive to her state 800 miles away to pick up the youngest (10 yr
old daughter) and have her move in with my wife and I (I already have a
bedroom with furniture set up for "just" her) I also have a large home with
enough room.
The girl knows me but not my wife and has stated she would like to move in
with us.

I have to praise this woman even though she is thinking of giving up her
daughter, (though they would still stay in constant contact as I would never
take that away) she at least knows what her limits are and is willing to do
what is best for her child.

What people do NOT seem to understand is that having children is a full
time, as well as a life time commitment and that whether they stay with the
other bio parent or not, they can not just simply "start over" and brush the
children off or pretend they no longer exist.  They need to put the children
FIRST!! I know fathers that refuse to date after a divorce due to the fact
that they fear how a "new" woman may treat his children or how the children
may respond to someone else in his life.  (I am not saying stay single
forever - however we need to pay even MORE attention in picking a new mate
when we have children and be upfront that the children will ALWAYS come
first!)

When I met my 2nd wife I told her right up front that I was going thru a
divorce, I had 3 children and I was not only talking to an attorney about
getting custody but I was going to get custody PERIOD!  I was up front that
if she wanted to be with me that it was a package deal and I was not going
to hide the fact that she would be helping me raise my children WITH me.  I
also asked my children how they felt about her.  I will tell you this what
my kids thought about her made a difference.  If they simply did not like
her because she was not "mom" I would have taken that as a concern, but not
a strong one as children do NORMALLY have a bond to both natural parents,
however if the children did not like her because of other issues that could
be seen as real than I would have either slowed the relationship or stopped
seeing her (which I did with 2 other women).  I lucked out, not only did my
kids fall in love with my 2nd wife, but she fell in love with the children.
we included the children in our decision to get married.

people need to understand what a dysfunctional relationship is and do what
they can to avoid it!!