What are your thoughts on supervised visits...

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Meloneyd - 09 Jan 2007 19:37 GMT

My fiancé is in a bit of a pickle and has been asking what I think
about this situation and I really don't know what to say. Recently SD
went to go visit her Mom for a couple of days. SD is not allowed to
spend the night at BM's house; she has to stay at BM's mother's
house. BM was pregnant and had a case of diabetes where she was not
supposed to leave the house, so SD went over there for a couple of
hours which is in line with the rules, she's just not allowed to
sleep there. BM's mother left and went to go run some errands. Three
major things happened while she was over there:

1.)Everyone was smoking cigarettes - in the court order it is noted
that she has an allergy to smoke and they are not to smoke around her
but when she came back she had hardly any voice.

2.)She told my bf that her mom said that some people over there were
smoking something they were not supposed to be smoking other than
cigarettes (we can only guess she was talking about some sort of
illegal drug).

3.)And here's the kicker, BM's bf and her step grandfather got into
a fist fight and were throwing chairs, cursing and just being very
violent. They put SD in the car where she could see them fighting
through the window. She was very freaked out by this.

My BF doesn't know what to do. He asked SD if she still wanted to see
BM after all that and she said yes. He cannot get a hold of BM to see
what happened because she doesn't have a phone in service and has no
e-mail address. He can only talk to her mother. He's just torn about
this stuff because he knows when SD is down there, she is on their time
and he doesn't want to have to dictate what she can and cannot do,
but it's starting to get out of hand. He doesn't want to deny her
access to her mother, but at the same time, every time she goes down
there, he is terrified at what might be going on and something *always*
happens.

I suggested that he talk it over with the lawyer and make it so that SD
can only stay at grandmother's house and that BM may only see SD when
grandmother is present, either that or supervised visits. He's just
confused. Anyone have any experience with these sorts of visits? When
do you guys feel like supervised visits are necessary?

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Zipadee - 10 Jan 2007 15:33 GMT

> My fiancé is in a bit of a pickle and has been asking what I think
> about this situation and I really don't know what to say. Recently SD
> went to go visit her Mom for a couple of days. SD is not allowed to
> spend the night at BM's house; she has to stay at BM's mother's
> house. ...

[snip]

> BM's mother left and went to go run some errands. Three
> major things happened while she was over there:
[quoted text clipped - 13 lines]
> [snip] Anyone have any experience with these sorts of visits? When
> do you guys feel like supervised visits are necessary?

I snipped some stuff to shorten what I'm quoting. How far
away from your fiance does BM (and her mom) live - is it practical for
single day visits? Also, how old is SD? The younger she is,
the more likely you would want some other form of supervision. If
she's older and you don't live close by, perhaps getting her a cell
phone and the number of someone (any trusted neighbors there?)
she could call. Can your BF talk to BM's mother and find out what
happened or are they (BF and BM's mom) not on good terms?

-- Zip

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heather m. - 10 Jan 2007 23:51 GMT

>1.)Everyone was smoking cigarettes - in the court order it is noted
>that she has an allergy to smoke and they are not to smoke around her
>but when she came back she had hardly any voice.

I don't know what to do about that. I want to say it's not that big of a
deal but then again second hand smoke is kind of icky and she is allergic to
it. It's only for a couple of days, but if it affects her health that bad
then maybe it's best for her to stay at the BM's mother's house.

>2.)She told my bf that her mom said that some people over there were
>smoking something they were not supposed to be smoking other than
>cigarettes (we can only guess she was talking about some sort of
>illegal drug).

I dunno about that, either. I guess trust your instincts.

>3.)And here's the kicker, BM's bf and her step grandfather got into
>a fist fight and were throwing chairs, cursing and just being very
>violent. They put SD in the car where she could see them fighting
>through the window. She was very freaked out by this.

I draw the line at violence. My kid would not be over there.

>My BF doesn't know what to do. He asked SD if she still wanted to see
>BM after all that and she said yes.

Yea, of course she wants to see her, that's her mom. Doesn't mean it's a
safe environment, though, sadly.

>He cannot get a hold of BM to see
>what happened because she doesn't have a phone in service and has no
>e-mail address.

Why can't he go over there and talk to her in person? Get a feel of the
environment?

>He can only talk to her mother. He's just torn about
>this stuff because he knows when SD is down there, she is on their time
[quoted text clipped - 3 lines]
>there, he is terrified at what might be going on and something *always*
>happens.

Your BF is good to not want to dictate what she can and cannot do, but
despite the cigarette smoke the environment seems a little shady. The
substance stuff is kind of iffy, I mean you never know for CERTAIN if what
comes out of the kid's mouth is accurate, but that with the fact that some
violence went down just makes it seem like not a very good place to leave
his daughter. *I* wouldn't leave my kid where I couldn't talk to the other
parent and he/she came back freaked out from witnessing a physical fight
between grown-ups.

>I suggested that he talk it over with the lawyer and make it so that SD
>can only stay at grandmother's house and that BM may only see SD when
>grandmother is present, either that or supervised visits. He's just
>confused. Anyone have any experience with these sorts of visits? When
>do you guys feel like supervised visits are necessary?

I guess I would talk to the BM first and try to see what happened and what
is going on, you know get a feel for the situation over there. It doesn't
sound like a great place for her to be, unfortunately.

Heather

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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / January 2007

What are your thoughts on supervised visits...