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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / January 2007Bio Mom is Crazy
Hello everyone i am new to this so please don't be too upset if it seems that I ramble on!! So I have two step sons now in my marriage, both with different moms! Ok yes that doesn't sound so great but the first son is from a high school love that didn't go through but my husband took full responsibility for and now has living with us. His mom doesn't have a whole lot to do with him and I believe that he is a better person because of it, she has another son from a different marriage and doesn't really give two sh.ts about my step son. She even moved away without telling him and called him a week later to let him know, he was really upset. My other step son is only three months older than my daughter and his mom is completely batty!! She has a fit every time she drops him off because when he comes in he is really excited to see me and he calls me mom, something that neither me nor my husband has ever told him to do he just choses to do so. his bio mom works all day and when she is done work she drops him off at my husbands sisters house, it has become so frequent that she has made him a room at her place!! We have him 50% of the time and when he gets here is is really excited and tells us that he is happy that he is home, and when it is time for him to leave and go home with his bio mom he screams and throughs a fit because he wants to stay here with us. His bio mom makes up stories all the time that when she gets, as she say, "her son" back he is mean and agresive and says bad words!! At our home he does not hit, nor does he say bad words because he does not hear them at our house. She makes up all these stories and tells them to my husbands family about how we parent their son. She even came at me one time and threatened to beat the living day lights out of me because I would never be her sons mom. I know that I will never be his mom but that doesn't mean that when he is with my husband and i and our other children that I am not going to treat him as though he is my son. I want him to know when he comes here that he is loved just as much as the other children are. I mean I could be someone who treats her son like crud but I don't. And it gets to her because I at least make time for him, and she doesn't. Everything is more important to her, she is always out drinking and out with friends. I hate having to deal with her!! Is there any easy way to deal with the bio mom when she is crazy? In my case it was the Step that was crazy, and what "worked for me" (and I use that term very loosely) was that I just concerned myself about my own home, and let the ex and his wife take care of their own home. I tried as best I could to not let their attitudes and comments ruin our life here, and reminded myself that the best revenge was to be happy in spite of all the ugly things they did. So I just tried to focus on us, parent the way I believed I should parent regardless of what *anyone* thought of me or said about me, and when the subject of them or their "stuff" came up I said as little as possible and encouraged my daughter to do the right thing. "The right thing" as in to talk to them about issues she had over there, talk to the authorities when she got slapped or hit, etc. I didn't use the "right thing" to get her to do what I want or to trash her other family, *regardless of the way they constantly trashed me*. That is what worked for me. It wasn't easy, or fun, and it was a constant lesson, but I feel good about the way I handled myself through that (awful) period of my life. Not perfect, but as best I could with integrity and as much honor and respect as I could muster. Hope that helps. Take what you can use and leave the rest. With hope and heart, Kathleen -- He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. ~ C.S.Lewis > Hello everyone i am new to this so please don't be too upset if it seems that > I ramble on!! [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > friends. I hate having to deal with her!! Is there any easy way to deal > with the bio mom when she is crazy? Hi, welcome. > She has a fit every time she drops him off because when > he comes in he is really excited to see me and he calls me mom, something > that neither me nor my husband has ever told him to do he just choses to > do > so Yeah, this is a really hot button issue for people. No, you don't make him call you mom, but you betcha you and pop are glowing when he does it. Guarantee you the kid knows it makes you happy and pisses his mom off. Does that mean that he's not doing it out of love and respect and a feeling of wanting to belong with you? No. But don't act like you it doesn't even cross your mind that it's a big deal, and that maybe BM has a right to be uptight about it. Every family works this out differently, but it's definitely a Big Deal. > really excited and tells us that he is happy that he is home, and when it > is [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > family > about how we parent their son. Have you considered that she may not be making this up? I know it seems really strange to you that a child who behaves well for you may be acting out somewhere else, but it's amazingly common. If your ss is having trouble with the 50/50 custody, acting out like this might be happening. She also might be a poor disciplinarian. The first is somewhat yours to deal with, the second, well, you can't do much about her parenting. She even came at me one time and threatened > to beat the living day lights out of me because I would never be her sons > mom. Sounds like she has some impulse issues. What did you do when she threatened you? > I know that I will never be his mom but that doesn't mean that when he is > with my husband and i and our other children that I am not going to treat > him > as though he is my son. I want him to know when he comes here that he is > loved just as much as the other children are. This is a fine attitude to take. Just know that loving him as much as the other children doesn't have to mean treating him exactly the same. Every kid has different needs and circumstances, even in an intact family. > I mean I could be someone who treats her son like crud but I don't. And > it [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > friends. I hate having to deal with her!! Is there any easy way to deal > with the bio mom when she is crazy? Sure, stop dealing with her. This is your husband's problem, not yours. I bowed out almost completely a while back, when the insanity started really affecting my daily life. My husband was great about it, he stopped telling me things I didn't really need to know, he caught all her notes and phone calls, it was cool. Why do you have to deal with her at all? rebecca Wow, that is some story.. would you give me permission to republish it on my new site for blended families? ****************************************************************** Blended Families Group, Articles & Message Board. http://OneFamily.BornmannFamily.com Over 40 New Landlord Tenant .DOC, .XLX and .PDF Downloads http://www.FreeLandlordSoftware.com ADSENSE MASTER SPREADSHEET - 500 free link and article directories http://www.adsensemoney.qsh.in/default.aspx ****************************************************************** > Hello everyone i am new to this so please don't be too upset if it seems that > I ramble on!! [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > friends. I hate having to deal with her!! Is there any easy way to deal > with the bio mom when she is crazy? is this spammer annoying anyone but me? In a previous article, "rebecca" <justrebecca5@yahoo.com> said: >is this spammer annoying anyone but me? Yes, but I'm trying to be patient because I think s/he doesn't realize that s/he's posting spam. (Actually, I doubt that it even satisfies the demands of the Breidbart index and therefore isn't really spam, to tell the truth.) Documentation from the good old days of Cancelmoose can be found here: <http://www.cybernothing.org/faqs/net-abuse-faq.html> Vicki  Signature"I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott > is this spammer annoying anyone but me? I'm really put off by the fact that he/she is apparently grabbing select posts and reposting on his/her website. Makes me quite disinclined to post... Lee In a previous article, Lee <leronisnospam@att.net> said: >I'm really put off by the fact that he/she is apparently grabbing select >posts and reposting on his/her website. Makes me quite disinclined to >post... You own the copyright, as you know. If your posts are being reproduced there, you can require them to be taken down. But are you aware of how many sites just take the entire usenet feed and slap a front-end on it, tell people to register with them and then just serve as a posting gateway to usenet? Their poor users *think* they're posting to a private forum which munges their email addresses and forces them to look at advertising, but no, it's just good old usenet. Take a look at talkaboutparenting.com sometime. This person isn't doing that. But your words are being seen in a lot of places that you might not suspect. Vicki Signature"I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott > In a previous article, Lee <leronisnospam@att.net> said: > [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > This person isn't doing that. But your words are being seen in a lot of > places that you might not suspect. Yes, I knew about that. Bothers me less than what this character seems to be trying to do, for some reason. It's usenet, so I know it's out there for anyone to read, but I'd rather not have my words taken out of context of someone's website. Lee > Vicki |
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