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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / January 2007stepson
I am having a problem with disciplining my stepson. He lives with us full-time and is almost 5 years old. When it is just me and our other kids with him he listens to me and is an absolute angel! He always tells me he loves me and we play games together and do all kinds of fun things. When my husband is around he is a monster and refuses to listen to me. He yells that he does not want me and he doesn't love me. My husband talks to him about it and puts him in time-out and tells him it is for saying mean things. It still doesn't seem to help. When my husband is home my stepson whines for everything and is constantly crying! It is so frustrating to me because he doesn't act that way when my husband is at work. He almost makes the time when my husband is home miserable with his constant whining and crying! Today my mother-in-law came over for a visit. My stepson wanted to play video games and I told him no because he played video games for hours the last few days. He went to his room and cried and then came out and told my mother-in-law he wanted to go home with her. I just don't get it. Why is he so well-behaved when it is just us? And then so awful to me when my husband or mother-in-law are around? They don't support his negative behaviors. When it is just me he accepts when I say no and he doesn't even whine about it. So why does he change when others are around? Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? >They don't >support his negative behaviors. When it is just me he accepts when I >say no and he doesn't even whine about it. So why does he change when >others are around? Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? They don't support his negative behaviors, OK. But what do they do when he's behaving? Does he get lots of attention from his dad when he's behaving well? Or does Dad sort of think "Thank God" and pay no attention to him? What you describe is the behavior pattern of a child who is ignored when he's good; when he's not causing trouble everyone is glad and then they forget about him. The only way he gets attention is to be a pain in the a.s, and then he gets lots of attention. It doesn't matter that it might be angry attention. In fact, there are lots of plusses to bugging people until they get annoyed. The attention tends to be very focussed, very high energy and very exclusive. It's also powerful; he can make everyone forget everything and everyone else and focus totally on him. I don't know what the dynamic between your SS and your husband is like, but does Dad pay a lot of attention to his son when he gets home from work? Or is it all "Not now, I'm tired/busy. Later, OK?" Vicki  Signature"I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott My husband is a wonderful father. When his ex wife left a few years ago he was left with their two kids to raise. My stepson is definately a "daddys boy". He plays with my stepson and pays attention to him when he is good. That is why I do not understand the negative behavior. > What you describe is the behavior pattern of a child who is ignored when he's > good; when he's not causing trouble everyone is glad and then they forget [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > does Dad pay a lot of attention to his son when he gets home from work? Or is > it all "Not now, I'm tired/busy. Later, OK?" > My husband is a wonderful father. When his ex wife left a few years > ago he was left with their two kids to raise. My stepson is definately > a "daddys boy". He plays with my stepson and pays attention to him > when he is good. That is why I do not understand the negative > behavior. Right, so mom's abandoned him, so in his mind, daddy's next. So if you're an inadequate caregiver, then maybe daddy will stick around longer? Or maybe when it was him and daddy, there was a cameraderie that he wants to maintain, or somehow recaptures by trying to make it him and dad against you? I wouldn't fret too much about this, if you and your husband don't make it an enormous problem, I'm guessing it will go away on its own. rebecca |
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