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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / July 2007Children are the leading cause of second marriage divorces
I read this statement today and its pretty eye opening, if not a bit shocking. As someone in a relationship with a great single mom, struggling with how to do the step-dad thing it sure makes me think. Is it true? In a previous article, rod444rod@hotmail.com said: >I read this statement today and its pretty eye opening, if not a bit >shocking. As someone in a relationship with a great single mom, >struggling with how to do the step-dad thing it sure makes me think. >Is it true? If it's not the leading cause (I'd blame money, personally) it's gotta be up there. Don't underestimate how hard it can be. But it's also not impossible. DH and I have been married for 10 years. I have a 23 yo and a 20 yo, and he has a 20 yo and an 18 yo, all of them girls. Do the math; we've been through a lot, but we're still happily married and our kids are doing fine. One of the very important variables are the kids' other biological parent. They have a strong influence. Vicki  Signature"I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott > One of the very important variables are the kids' other biological parent. > They have a strong influence. Hey, now. It's not the other parent, it's how your partner deals with it (or doesn't). I'm totally f.cking doomed if DH's ex is the determinant of whether we make it or not. But he bends over backwards to keep me out of it, and I soooo appreciate that. But Doug, people aren't rational about their kids. It's totally up there with money and religion of things that you have to step carefully around with people you love. Rebecca In a previous article, "rebecca" <justrebecca5@yahoo.com> said: >> One of the very important variables are the kids' other biological parent. >> They have a strong influence. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >whether we make it or not. But he bends over backwards to keep me out of >it, and I soooo appreciate that. Oh, yes, of course. I wasn't thinking about direct influence, though you're right that the bioparent has a huge role in keeping the peace. I was thinking of "Remember, Honey, she's not your mommy. Do they tell you to call her Mommy? Don't call her Mommy, it will break my heart. Do you want me to be sad? I'll be very sad if you like her. I'm your Mommy, don't forget that, you don't have to do what she says. And don't believe it when she does nice things for you, she doesn't really care about you. I'm the only one who really cares about you." That kind of head game played with a kid can make a step-parent's life hell, and the other bioparent is less able to help in this case. When a manipulative ex is willing to break her/his own child's heart out of jealousy and spite, your options are limited. Vicki Signature"I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott <snipped> > Oh, yes, of course. I wasn't thinking about direct influence, though you're > right that the bioparent has a huge role in keeping the peace. I was thinking [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > manipulative ex is willing to break her/his own child's heart out of jealousy > and spite, your options are limited. Yep. And kids fall for it every time, even when the non-custodial bio- parent lives states away, sees the kids once every year or two, and only calls once or twice a year - if that often - and you're the one who's there every day, doing all the things they need done, there for them when things get hard. Kitten On Jul 16, 1:35 pm, rod444...@hotmail.com wrote: > I read this statement today and its pretty eye opening, if not a bit > shocking. As someone in a relationship with a great single mom, > struggling with how to do the step-dad thing it sure makes me think. > Is it true? I wouldn't say it's the children. To me, it's the parents not communicating and working out an effective way to deal with the children. It's a part of what's killing my marriage, but it's really only a symptom of what's at the heart of our problem. If we could fix what's at the heart of the problem, all the rest would work out. Kitten > If we could fix what's at the heart of the problem, all the rest would work out. Reason I am forever reiterating the importance of measuring a divorcée's family values, parenting skills and moral beliefs prior to marrying them. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives fighting over opposing issues that someone won't change... Besides, we can't make most of the old dogs do new tricks "permanently" that late in the game. Hence, many extended family's face insurmountable misery. Brings to mind some posters in ASD - imagine with their negative mean spirited feelings, what their parenting skills are like... ugly. SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" > > If we could fix what's at the heart of the problem, all the rest would work out. > > Reason I am forever reiterating the importance of measuring a divorc?e's > family values, parenting skills and moral beliefs prior to marrying > them. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives fighting over opposing > issues that someone won't change... Heh. I did that - had the in-depth discussions with Chewy before we got serious. Beliefs and philosophy are sometimes far removed from application. Kitten > I did that - had the in-depth discussions with Chewy before we > got serious. Beliefs and philosophy are sometimes far removed from > application. No disrespect - but, most women tend to look, listen and wonder, and ask in ways that the answer can easily be masked, or passed over; all in HOPES:) Men, on the other hand seldom "ask" and struggle listening mostly because they are out of touch with the aspect of their personality that helps determine needs, outside the little head. They make promises to women day in and day out - playing the percentages knowing more women will look to hope verses seek truth at any cost. When I look back at the dating rituals and how decisions were made long ago, I know why "time" always came up. Knowing there is no perfect measure or person and words are just to easy to misrepresent or mis hear; putting stock in allowing "time to pass" tells everyone's real truth. SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.) > > I did that - had the in-depth discussions with Chewy before we > > got serious. Beliefs and philosophy are sometimes far removed from [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > hear; putting stock in allowing "time to pass" tells everyone's real > truth. Well, he sure did talk a good game, and I gave it all I had. Now it's up to him to put some action behind the words. Until then, I'm staying in town - even though I'd love to be back out at the farm. Kitten |
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