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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / August 2007Finally - Back to Being Able to Post Something Positive
OK, if I'd have written Wednesday night, I'd have written that I'm totally giving up on Chewy and our marriage, that it was totally, definitely over. That last straw was another of those incidents of him not holding YD responsible for her behavior and attitude. I was done. Early Thursday morning, I woke up in a wonderful mood and had an absolutely wonderful start to the day. It felt like a clean, fresh slate. I felt like I was letting go of everything from the past and was starting fresh, from scratch. And wouldn't you know it - that's when Chewy realized just how serious this all is and the amount of work HE has to do if our marriage is going to be saved. He's actually taken ownership of his contributions to the demise of our marriage, he's put himself on track of fixing *himself* because he's realized that nothing in his life will ever be right as long as he's not emotionally healthy, and he's been positive. Yesterday, he had his first appt with the psych to whom he was referred. He said it felt *REALLY* good to talk to the guy and to take ownership of his issues. He also said that the psych was surprised that Chewy actually *knows* what a lot of his issues are and is ready to get to the work of resolving them. The big thing for Chewy, it seems, was the taking ownership instead of falling back on the old habit of blaming everything in his life on the people around him. He said that felt really, really, REALLY good. Last night, he and I had a discussion about the fact that I'm totally emotionally numb wrt him. He was wanting to get physically close, and I felt I had to tell him I currently have absolutely no inclinations to do so at this point. I'm feeling totally shut down when it comes to that. It hit him hard, but he understood. He said he's determined to work at re-building my ability to trust him. And he just called to say good morning and to ask what I'm up to today. I told him I'm checking my email at the cyber-cafe, and he said he'll be here in just a bit. He also said he's still in a really good mood, even with what we talked about last night. I think, just maybe, it's that ownership issue - if he's the one who owns his actions, then he's the one in control of what's going on in his life - NOONE is controlling him. At least, I HOPE that's what it is - that he's finally beginning to feel in control of himself and his own life. I know I always feel better able to handle the challenges of life as long as I feel I'm in control of my decisions on how to approach those challenges. Anyway, that's *my* positive post for the day. Kitten In a previous article, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe <st_brigids_gate_farm@yahoo.com> said: >OK, if I'd have written Wednesday night, I'd have written that I'm >totally giving up on Chewy and our marriage, that it was totally, [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] >this all is and the amount of work HE has to do if our marriage is >going to be saved. A day late and a dollar short, but good for him anyway. >And he just called to say good morning and to ask what I'm up to >today. I told him I'm checking my email at the cyber-cafe, and he [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >actions, then he's the one in control of what's going on in his life - >NOONE is controlling him. I'm glad it's finally getting through to him. And you're going to hold him at arm's length for some time? >At least, I HOPE that's what it is - that he's finally beginning to >feel in control of himself and his own life. I know I always feel >better able to handle the challenges of life as long as I feel I'm in >control of my decisions on how to approach those challenges. > >Anyway, that's *my* positive post for the day. That's really good, Kitten. I hope he can maintain that momentum. I hope you establish a life apart from him while he's doing his work, though; he's got to do this for himself, whether or not you're there waiting at the end. Best of luck, and please keep us posted. Vicki  Signature"I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott > In a previous article, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe <st_brigids_gate_f...@yahoo.com> said: > [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > > Best of luck, and please keep us posted. Yes, I'm still staying in town, still working on getting a good job with a retirement package, still not wearing my wedding ring. But we did spend the latter part of the afternoon and into the evening together, with friends. We went riding out on a friend of a friend's new 125 acre pasture, checking the fence line and just relaxing on the horses. Then we went back to the farm, where YD had made dinner for us. And now I'm sitting outside the cyber-cafe, checking msgs. :-) Kitten >>In a previous article, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe >><st_brigids_gate_f...@yahoo.com> said: [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] >> >this all is and the amount of work HE has to do if our marriage is >> >going to be saved. I know you hate "tough love", Kitten. But it would do a world of good to print out that post, with the date circled, and put it in somewhere you'll see it every day. Make an appointment with yourself six months from that date. February 11, 2008. Put that in bold red on your post. On February 11, 2008, if EITHER of the following two are true: 1. There still are problems with Chewy. 2. Chewy just had an epiphany after some problems, and you think you're on the precipice of a good life - *again*. <---- this is the most important one, Kitten!.. Break this off for good. Because how many times have you posted that before. February 11, 2008. Banty > In article <1186891761.663759.32...@19g2000hsx.googlegroups.com>, Caitriona Mac > Fhiodhbhuidhe says... [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > February 11, 2008. Six months? Hmmm... I'm thinking more like TWO. <shrug> But that's just where I'm at, for now. Remember, in 8 years, this is the first time he's actually gotten serious about getting counseling. We'll see. I'm still staying in town, still working on me, still focusing on getting to where I can be totally secure on my own. Kitten >>In article <1186891761.663759.32...@19g2000hsx.googlegroups.com>, Caitriona Mac >> Fhiodhbhuidhe says... [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > >Six months? Hmmm... I'm thinking more like TWO. OK :) The idea being, of course, not to go along with a repeating pattern of his only taking these steps when you're fed up, you going back, his relapsing, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc... <shrug> But that's >just where I'm at, for now. Remember, in 8 years, this is the first >time he's actually gotten serious about getting counseling. We'll >see. I'm still staying in town, still working on me, still focusing >on getting to where I can be totally secure on my own. Good luck to you. Banty > Six months? Hmmm... I'm thinking more like TWO. When I said it takes time to develop trust - I wasn't remotely thinking "two" months - closer to a year or longer depending on the judgment of those involved. Words have to match behavior and consistent actions supporting words can only be measured over an extended period. SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.) > > Six months? Hmmm... I'm thinking more like TWO. > > When I said it takes time to develop trust - I wasn't remotely thinking > "two" months - closer to a year or longer depending on the judgment of > those involved. Words have to match behavior and consistent actions > supporting words can only be measured over an extended period. I don't expect trust to be rebuilt at 2 months. But I figure there will be enough evidence for me to evaluate his sincerity in making the effort. Kitten > But I figure there will be enough evidence for me to evaluate his sincerity in making the > effort. Wrong assumption, led by some questionable issues on your part. SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.) > > But I figure there will be enough evidence for me to evaluate his sincerity in making the > > effort. > > Wrong assumption, led by some questionable issues on your part. OK. In your opinion, what are the questionable issues? What I am basing my assumption on is 8 years of him saying he'd get better, him making small improvements, but not ever putting in the effort to make significant improvements. He is now in counseling for himself, and it is *his* responsibility to arrange joint counseling for the two of us. I am in counseling for myself, to work on the issues that cause me to put myself in such situations. I know that it takes several months of consistent effort to begin seeing consistent improvement, but at 2 months, given past behavior, I *should* be able to evaluate whether or not there is a commitment to continuing on the path to improvement, I hope. Kitten > OK. In your opinion, what are the questionable issues? At this juncture - because you're in counseling, I'll leave that to your counselor. I will just hope... > I know that it takes several months of consistent effort to begin > seeing consistent improvement, but at 2 months, given past behavior, I > *should* be able to evaluate whether or not there is a commitment to > continuing on the path to improvement, I hope. It took you a long time to reach a point where you reacted to protect yourself, and see how you were contributing to the failed process; let alone his issues. Sorta like, a blind person assuming an image outline when they can't see or touch; all in hopes. That alone is cause for question regarding your ability to see and judge his actions for what they really are; not what you want them to be, so you don't have to stay on the road your on. SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.) > > OK. In your opinion, what are the questionable issues? > [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > they really are; not what you want them to be, so you don't have to stay > on the road your on. Valid points. That's why I look for "reality checks." Kitten > > Six months? Hmmm... I'm thinking more like TWO. > > When I said it takes time to develop trust - I wasn't remotely thinking > "two" months - closer to a year or longer depending on the judgment of > those involved. Words have to match behavior and consistent actions > supporting words can only be measured over an extended period. BTW, thank you for the way you're dealing with AY elsewhere. I've been deligently ignoring his taunts and attempts to draw me out. It'd be really nice if the people who attempted verbal smacks to me for responding to his prods last time would tell him the same thing they told me - stop it. Seems they don't see his posts in the same light as they do any responses to them from me. Anyway - thanks. Kitten > BTW, thank you for the way you're dealing with AY elsewhere. You're welcome... but, so you know, my actions regarding "AY" are not really about you. They are about his attempts at controlling posting habits, based on his thought processes... In some cases he offers sound advice - in others - as with you - his view is wrong as far as I am concerned. Saying that doesn't mean I support your "style" of NG posting. I am against "diary" style posting for a number of reasons; least of which is, diary's are suppose to be pvt. SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.) > > BTW, thank you for the way you're dealing with AY elsewhere. > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > posting. I am against "diary" style posting for a number of reasons; > least of which is, diary's are suppose to be pvt. I figured your responses to him weren't about me. :-) I still appreciate the effort. He needs to have someone he's not "against" calling him on his behavior. You do a good job of that. With me, he seems to still be angry over that old argument over whether or not anger is a bad thing. <shrug> He has a hard time accepting that some of us believe it's not anger in and of itself that's bad, but rather, how one reacts to feeling anger. If his approach works for him, fine. Kitten > I am against "diary" style posting for a number of reasons; > least of which is, diary's are suppose to be pvt. BTW, there's a whole lot I *DON'T* post. <shrug> I only post about the things I feel I need multiple perspectives about. I *know* what my RL friends and acquaintances perspectives are on what's going on. They all seemed to choose to tell me, all at once. :-/ It ranges from "Why the hell do you live with that?" to "We want to help you work through this." Kitten > "Why the hell do you live with that?" to "We want to help you > work through this." Both solid motives from RL friends:) SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.) > > "Why the hell do you live with that?" to "We want to help you > > work through this." > > Both solid motives from RL friends:) Well, I'm wondering about the ones who've decided to take on the roles of "mediators." They're also the ones he was spending time with when he stood me up last Sunday, and then again last night - resulting in his not getting up in time to get our renter, who is without a vehicle until later this week, to work on time this morning, in spite of his promise to do so. Kitten > They're also the ones he was spending time with when > he stood me up last Sunday, and then again last night - resulting in > his not getting up in time to get our renter, who is without a vehicle > until later this week, to work on time this morning, in spite of his > promise to do so. They have a vested interest - to support him, his wishes and you if possible to the point of keeping you two together, mostly because they hang out with you all couples. Another promise made and someone left hanging. That type of mistake is adults is personality based; forgetful, mostly self-oriented, makes promises because they sound good at the time; then fails to follow though because of inconvenience or laziness. Then the obligatory "I am sorry" line usually follows. This type (don't know if your SO fits) tends to say their sorry quite often; and, surrounds him/herself with people that tend towards needing someone to perpetually parent or help - codependent types come to mind. SignatureSD:) "Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)" My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.) > > They're also the ones he was spending time with when > > he stood me up last Sunday, and then again last night - resulting in [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > him/herself with people that tend towards needing someone to perpetually > parent or help - codependent types come to mind. Heh.. *I* am the co-dependent one. <shrug> I usually "over-book" obligations to help people. That's why logistics is so important to me. And speaking of helping people - nearly time to pick said renter up from her ft job and take her to her pt job... and in-between, check with one of our mechanic buddies to see when her transportation will be finished. Kitten >> > "Why the hell do you live with that?" to "We want to help you >> > work through this." [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >until later this week, to work on time this morning, in spite of his >promise to do so. Yep - those sound like his buddies, not your mutual friends. Of course they're 'mediators'. Sounds like that realization is a good one on your part. I've encountered that, too - people anxious to smooth things over, when it's really all about loyalty to one party of the problem. They just want it back the way it was, good for their buddy and screw you. Folks in that position all seem so very positive about forgiveness and good relations and putting the past behind - hard to resist that kind of enabler sometimes, even though they could really care little less about you. Banty > In article <1187025355.579451.300...@o61g2000hsh.googlegroups.com>, Caitriona > Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe says... [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > behind - hard to resist that kind of enabler sometimes, even though they could > really care little less about you. <shrug> Just another episode of it with one member of the couple. Years ago, I was there to support her, but her not there to support me when I needed it. Of course, she was going through some really rough stuff at the time, but she had no idea what we were going through in our home. Makes a person think. Kitten |
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