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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / August 2007Ex-husband's Girlfriend
My ex and I have been divorced for 20 plus years. His on again and off again girlfriend is main reason we split up. She gave him ultimatum, her or me and the boys (3). Chose her. They never married, cause he bit the crap out of her one night, which he had been doing to me for the 15 years we were married. We are now about to have our first grandchild and she is once more fully in his life. This is her cycle, he even re-married once and she didn't want him until he was going to get married. He re-married and she ruined that too. I have no use for this woman.....He is retiring end of Sept and moving in with her (just as friends, yeah, right, like how silly to still be pretending they aren't sleeping together, who cares?) My grandbaby will now be going over to Grandpa's house, and she'll be right there all trying to be "The Grandma" She pulls this crap all the time. He has no back-bone when it comes to her, she leads him around with a ring through his nose. I can just sit down and cry to think that my little grandboy will be held and cuddled by this woman, she has 5 or 6 of her own grandchildren. I'm not jealous, I just hate the woman. She makes my skin crawl. My daughter-in-law's mom feels same way, especially after the girlfriend totally took over the baby shower we just had for the baby. You really would have thought that she was going to be the new grandmother.........she's so fake, she's so sickingly sweet........I know I have to just swallow it, anyone have any advice? I sent my ex a couple of pretty nasty e-mails about how I feel about all this crap...which should start WWII, my son says, "Can't we just all get along?" Nope. She has tried to steal my son's affections from me, she was good enough to take my husband and destroy my family, but she's never married him, never wants him until he wants someone or something else. HELP!!!!!! Any comfort or suggestions on handling this would be a great help. On top of this I have the guilt that I call my self a Christian and I am sure having the most un- Christian feelings toward this woman. Should just let it go, but, it's harder to do than it is to say.....Thanks!!!!! > My ex and I have been divorced for 20 plus years. His on again and > off again girlfriend is main reason we split up. She gave him [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > someone or something else. HELP!!!!!! Any comfort or suggestions on > handling this would be a great help. IMO, it doesn't so much matter what you think or feel, but how you behave. From what you have written, your son feels torn and in the middle. What do you want him to do? Tell his dad that he can't see the grandchild? He probably won't, and, if he did, he would blame you for it. I have two adult stepdaughters. In the last eight months or so, I've become quite close with one of them. She has frequently told me how much she appreciates me never putting down her mother, and how she resents her mother for putting her in the middle. You don't have to act as if she is your best friend. I'm pretty sure everyone has the message that you don't think much of her. But, for your son's sake, you can *behave* with decorum, even if you don't feel it. No more e-mails, unless it is one that says "I was in a bad mood. I want <insert son's name> to be happy. I'm sorry." Yes, she will function as another grandmother. Your getting angry and nasty about it is only going to make your son less likely to want to be around you, and therefore, more likely to make her look good by comparison. Sheila In a previous article, "WhansaMi" <WhansaMi@verizon.net> said: >Yes, she will function as another grandmother. Your getting angry and nasty >about it is only going to make your son less likely to want to be around >you, and therefore, more likely to make her look good by comparison. I think she knows that, though, from reading the original message. I think she's looking for coping tips; she knows what she has to do, she just wants to do it without throwing up! One thing that might help is to remember that, as sickeningly sweet as she is, a baby can't have too much cuddling or loving. If she acts as a caring and responsible grandmother, then it's good for the baby, even if it makes your teeth hurt. Just keep remembering that. It's good for your grandson. You have to love him more than you hate her. And as one practicing Christian to another, a couple of quiet minutes of meditation a day asking for serenity and understanding might do you a world of good. Taize music makes a good background for that. Vicki  Signature"I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott > In a previous article, "WhansaMi" <WhansaMi@verizon.net> said: > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > wants to > do it without throwing up! Except, she either doesn't know it, or doesn't act on it, because she wrote not one, but multiple e-mails to the ex-husband. So, in either case, I think it bears repeating. Sheila > Except, she either doesn't know it, or doesn't act on it, because she > wrote not one, but multiple e-mails to the ex-husband. So, in either > case, I think it bears repeating. > > Sheila Oops, and I meant to add: and she wrote: >>>my son says, "Can't we just all get along?" Nope. >>> which says to me she doesn't intend on making life easier for him. Sheila > > Except, she either doesn't know it, or doesn't act on it, because she > > wrote not one, but multiple e-mails to theex-husband. So, in either [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Sheila I actually way over reacted to this situation. In retrospect, I know that writing those e-mails were wrong, I have apologized, I actually told him not to read those....he hadn't as of yet. Which is a good thing. She's treated my kids well, we actually get along all right. It was just a bad day, a bad situation, I have not made it hard on my son, ever, about this girlfriend. I actually get along with her fairly well. I don't know what happened to me, I just went a little crazy. A little bit of "old" jealousy raising it's ugly head. For the most part we actually do all get along tolerable well. I just had a bad day, I have a wonderful life now and a beautiful 17 year old son with my husband of 18 years. So, what my problem was, I don't know. I just went crazy or something. I'm ashamed of myself and will not be repeating such childish and immature actions again. Thanks everyone for your imput. >> > Except, she either doesn't know it, or doesn't act on it, because she >> > wrote not one, but multiple e-mails to theex-husband. So, in either [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > repeating such childish and immature actions again. Thanks everyone > for your imput. That sounds good. As the others have said, if you need to just gripe and vent, better to do it someplace outside your real life, like here. So, just put "vent" in the headers, and I promise not to trounce you again. :-) Sheila >My ex and I have been divorced for 20 plus years. His on again and >off again girlfriend is main reason we split up. She gave him [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >cycle, he even re-married once and she didn't want him until he was >going to get married. He re-married and she ruined that too. He participated in the ruination of that marriage, yes? >I have >no use for this woman.....He is retiring end of Sept and moving in >with her (just as friends, yeah, right, like how silly to still be >pretending they aren't sleeping together, who cares?) Sorry, but it seems obvious that you DO care. Perhaps not about sex but that she's even in your ex's life. > My grandbaby >will now be going over to Grandpa's house, and she'll be right there >all trying to be "The Grandma" She pulls this crap all the time. He >has no back-bone when it comes to her, she leads him around with a >ring through his nose. And this is your business......how? > I can just sit down and cry to think that my >little grandboy will be held and cuddled by this woman, she has 5 or 6 >of her own grandchildren. So, why can't she love your grandson too? >I'm not jealous, I just hate the woman. You're expending far too much energy on her. >She makes my skin crawl. My daughter-in-law's mom feels same way, >especially after the girlfriend totally took over the baby shower we >just had for the baby. You really would have thought that she was >going to be the new grandmother.........she's so fake, she's so >sickingly sweet........I know I have to just swallow it, anyone have >any advice? Take back all the power over you that you're giving her! The more energy you spend griping about her, the more power she has. But then... some people enjoy griping too much to give it up. > I sent my ex a couple of pretty nasty e-mails about how >I feel about all this crap...which should start WWII, Hopefully your ex deleted them without reacting. What do you expect him to do? He obviously wants this woman in his life. Because of that, she is in your son and grandson's life. And by default, your life. Emailing your ex was pretty childish, IMO. >my son says, >"Can't we just all get along?" Nope. Then you care more for your own feelings than for your son or grandson. > She has tried to steal my son's >affections from me, she was good enough to take my husband and destroy >my family, but she's never married him, never wants him until he wants >someone or something else Uh, your ex destroyed your family when he met her. You're so busy blaming her you're failing to see his culpability in all this. If she's as bad as you say, she's your ex's problem, not yours. Be glad you're rid of him! > HELP!!!!!! Any comfort or suggestions on >handling this would be a great help. On top of this I have the guilt >that I call my self a Christian and I am sure having the most un- >Christian feelings toward this woman. Should just let it go, but, >it's harder to do than it is to say.....Thanks!!!!! I can't say anything about being a Christian and acting like one, but I really think you need to work out your anger against her. She's in your life at the moment and it sounds like she'll be around for a while. Your divorce is 20 years ago, and your son wants peace in the family. If you can't "let go" after all this time perhaps talking to a professional would help? Nan > >My ex and I have been divorced for 20 plus years. His on again and > >off againgirlfriendis main reason we split up. She gave him [quoted text clipped - 85 lines] > > Nan this is first time i ever posted or did something like this. just wanted to get an outside opinion...thanks for the input. i really over reacted to a situation that i do have no control over, nor do I want any control over it. going back to ex's house and with the girl friend there just brought back alot of bad/sad memories. actually, we do have peace in the family and i can be childish and catty. i react sometimes and think later, which is what i did in this situation. as long as my little grandson is born healthy and whole, the more who love him, the better off he'll be. you can't be loved too much or by too many people. but, do appreciate the input. In a previous article, byrde123@mybluelight.com said: >i react >sometimes and think later, which is what i did in this situation. as >long as my little grandson is born healthy and whole, the more who >love him, the better off he'll be. you can't be loved too much or by >too many people. but, do appreciate the input. I agree. This is a good place to post rants, too, but if you label them "rant" you'll get a lot less advice and a whole lot more understanding! Congratulations on you new little grandbaby. Vicki Signature"I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott > In a previous article, byrde...@mybluelight.com said: > [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy > bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott It was nice having someplace to "get it off my chest". This is where I should have gone in the first place. Griping or talking here isn't hurting anyone, no one knows who I am here, so I hurt no one. It was nice to get input, good, bad, or otherwise. Live and Learn! >this is first time i ever posted or did something like this. just >wanted to get an outside opinion...thanks for the input. i really [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] >love him, the better off he'll be. you can't be loved too much or by >too many people. but, do appreciate the input. It's good to see you're more grounded about it than you sounded! As Vicki stated, if you wish to Rant or Vent, just label the post and we'll understand! Nan > >this is first time i ever posted or did something like this. just > >wanted to get an outside opinion...thanks for the input. i really [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > Nan I must have sounded like a really horrible person, I re read and if I heard someone talk like that, I would think they are quite loathsome. I am sorry to have come across as such a nasty woman. I'm actually quite nice. I didn't know about the Rant/Vent. I feel awful about coming across as such a nasty person. I honestly do not cause trouble for my boys with this woman and what my ex does is his business. It has no effect on my life whatsoever. I ranted to the wrong person.....I really should have tried a friend or looked for someplace like this first. Thank You all for your input! |
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