Childless man entering into an existing family situation

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Dave - 10 Dec 2007 18:18 GMT

I originally posted this in misc.kids, but was told this might be a
better
forum for my question. So....

I'm currently in my mid 40's and have recently started seeing a woman
with two children: a girl aged 10 and a boy aged 13. I have never had
kids nor have I been involved with a woman who has had children so
this is new territory for me. My sister has children and I have
watched her raising them for the last 19 years but this hardly counts
as any true "parenting" experience on my part, although she may be a
resource I can call on periodically for advice.

I know I will likely never be a father to these children but I would
hope to be a good friend. My question to the group is if there is
anyone out there who has entered into a similar situation and can give
share their experiences and give some advice on what kinds of things
I'll likely run into and perhaps some suggestions on dealing with or
preparing for, these situations. If you have any good books to
suggest I would appreciate it.

Thanks.
Dave.

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Vicki Robinson - 10 Dec 2007 21:36 GMT

In a previous article, Dave <fzipplemier@yahoo.com> said:

>I'm currently in my mid 40's and have recently started seeing a woman
>with two children: a girl aged 10 and a boy aged 13. I have never had
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
>preparing for, these situations. If you have any good books to
>suggest I would appreciate it.

An absolutely crucial part of your answer depends on your girlfriend's
attitude. Huge. Does she expect you to act as a father? If so, will she
allow you to discipline (which does not mean "punish," but "guide and educate"
if it's done right)? If she disagrees with your handling of a situation, will
she contradict you right there and then in front of the kids, or will she pull
you aside privately and say "I'd prefer that we don't ground her for the next
6 weeks; that means we always have to be here with her. Let's make it two
weeks and no TV." and then present the change to the child as a united team?

How present is the biological dad? If the kids' dad is in the picture, then
you *can't* act as a dad, but you can still expect to be seen as a respected
adult authority figure in the house. Is the biodad going to give the kids
grief about building a relationship with you? Is that going to make you nuts?
Is it going to make your girlfriend nuts?

We have *all* been in a similar situation in one position or another. You and
she have to sit down and hammer out the ways you will interact with the kids.
Whatever you decide, it's necessary that you work together.

Vicki

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"We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day, the
plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and
the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
H.L. Mencken, July 26, 1920

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Karl - 05 Jan 2008 17:51 GMT

All I can say is good luck - it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

> In a previous article, Dave <fzipplemier@yahoo.com> said:
>
[quoted text clipped - 39 lines]
>
> Vicki

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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / January 2008

Childless man entering into an existing family situation