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Family Forum / Parenting / Step Parents / February 2004Rude, Arrogant Stepson.......Help!
Hi Everyone! My almost 20 year old stepson lives with us. My husband thinks he "can do no wrong"....To me he is rude, arrogant and very disrespectful. He talks "down" to me like I am stupid or something. It really irks me!....He is going to college and lives home and won't be going away to State College for at least a year!....I am trying my best to get along with him, but he is very spoiled and refuses to "cut me a break". His car was in the garage for repairs after an auto-accident and he used my car for almost a month. I never even got a "thank you" for letting him borrow it. I was against letting him use my car but my husband "guilt-tripped" me into it since I don't work due to a disability. We have been married a little over a year and I am tired of being on the "bottom of my husband's list).....I recently found out I have high blood pressure after having low blood pressure all my life..(I am now 57) and I honestly think it is from suppressing my anger and frustration every day. ..Any suggestions on how to handle this? Thanks in advance...MaryAnn C >.Any suggestions on how >to handle this? Marriage counseling. ~~Geri~~ "The song "Omaha" by Counting Crows has nothing to do with the city. If you need to talk about music, hum the Husker fight song and eat your steak." --Nebraska Tourism Bureau > Hi Everyone! > [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > from suppressing my anger and frustration every day. ..Any suggestions on how > to handle this? Thanks in advance...MaryAnn C Hi MaryAnn, I'm not sure what I can offer you except the advice to disengage from your SS as much as you can. Don't let him have so much control over your emotions. When he's rude, just say calmly, "Wow, that was rude," and turn away. When you're feeling used, say so: "You know, you've been using my car for almost a month and I'm feeling resentful because you've never even said 'thanks.' I'll think twice before doing you a favor the next time." Practice rolling your eyes a lot. Laugh at his outlandish behavior. Shrug it off. Don't let this kid make you ill. As for feeling like you're on the bottom of your husband's list, that's bad. Is it just because you feel he favors his son over you, or are there other issues involved here? This is not a good sign, especially just one year into the marriage. You should still be honeymooners! You really need to talk to him about this. And if you have trouble with this kind of discussion, seeing a counselor, either with him or without him (his choice) could really be helfpul. Good luck, Martha Hi Martha! Thanks for your response. I like some of your ideas about pointing out how rude SS can be. I will try them. As for my husband's priority list, I do feel like I come in "Second" around here. I love him dearly but this has put a strain on our marriage. He can't see his son's faults. He says things like..."he isn't into drugs or drinking and he goes to school"....(like that excuses his bad behavior)....He feels that he is a "good kid"..and that I should ignore him when he behaves that way. My husband works swing shift and I am home alone with this kid when he isn't in school. I do try to make myself scarce when SS is home...but I hate feeling this way about him. And God forgive me but I am really starting to resent him. I have spoken to my husband about this but he tells me to talk to his son ....and the kid doesn't listen to me at all!...I am at my wit's end.... My marriage is wonderful except for this issue....I don't want it to drag us apart....Thanks for your advice.......MaryAnn C >I love him dearly but this has put a strain on our marriage. I can imagine it has, MaryAnn >He can't see his son's faults. I'm sorta kinda in the same situation you are in that, even though our oldest son is ours biologically, there is more than a little bit of a stepparent dynamic going on in that my husband and I didn't marry until our son was almost 7yo and there wasn't a lot of contact between them up until then (not face-to-face, father-son contact, that is.) I've also been a stepparent to my husband's three oldest children for almost 10 years now. This is just sorta background so you can see where I'm coming from. I'm going to offer the suggestion that your husband most likely *does* see his son's faults. But, if my last ten years has taught me anything, it's taught me that when all anyone points out to you is the weaknesses that your children have, the more a parent is likely to fall into protective mode. >He says things like..."he isn't into drugs or drinking and he >goes to school"....(like that excuses his bad behavior).... I think that my husband probably could have or has said the exact same thing. But when *I* say those things about our son, I'm not trying to excuse any behavior, I'm only trying to point out that our son is a person with their strengths and their weaknesses. He is not just the kid who forgets things, who is more interested in music and video games and the computer than he is in his schoolwork, who has a higher tolerance for clutter than my husband does. He is also a very caring, loving, funny, bright kid who loves us. And, well, when someone is only focused on your child's faults, it's hard to believe that they even *like* them and if they don't like them, it's even more likely that the parent will remain in that protective mode. >He feels that he is a "good kid"..and that I should ignore him >when he behaves that way. Well, I think you should, too, to a certain extent. >My husband works swing shift and I am home alone with this kid >when he isn't in school. And that's why. You can't really expect your husband to control what his son does when he's not even there. And you can't expect your husband to control what he does when he IS there. >I do try to make myself scarce when SS is home...but I hate >feeling this way about him. And God forgive me but I am really >starting to resent him. I have spoken to my husband about this >but he tells me to talk to his son ....and the kid doesn't listen >to me at all!...I am at my wit's end.... Well, to a certain extent, this is between you and your stepson. IMO, your husband should interject himself in your relationship with your stepson only to a certain extent. And, IMO, that extent would be something along the lines of 'Son, I love you. Wife, I love you. I am not going to require that you two love each other, I'm not even going to require that you *like* each other. But, I am going to say that you, son, need to speak to your stepmother in a respectful manner and you, wife, need to speak to your step- son in a respectful manner. The rest of your relationship is up to you two.' >My marriage is wonderful except for this issue....I don't want >it to drag us apart....Thanks for your advice.......MaryAnn C Counseling for you and your husband would be someplace to start. To learn how to talk to each other about this without getting defensive. To figure out what basic beliefs is fueling all of this and to try to accept the differences in your beliefs. For my husband and I, we've recently discovered that the same thing that has happened over the years is interpreted by each of us in a different way. When my husband is talking to our son about some- thing that our son did incorrectly or didn't do at all, I don't get involved. To me, to get involved is an indication that my husband can't handle it on his own. To my husband, it's an indi- cation that I'm not backing him up. How we're going to work this out, I don't know. Tracey Hi Tracey! You sound like a very wise person and I respect your views on this subject. You have much more experience being a stepmom than I have and I appreciate your suggestions. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!.... MaryAnn C > >I love him dearly but this has put a strain on our marriage. > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > I'm sorta kinda in the same situation you are Tracey, I just printed out your response to give to Chewy. ;-) Thanks. Kitten test 2658 Sandra Sisti > Hi Martha! > > Thanks for your response. I like some of your ideas about pointing out how > rude SS can be. I will try them. As for my husband's priority list, I do feel > like I come in "Second" around here. Chewy and I've been caught in a similar dilemma, although it has more to do with where our focus is. He's focusing on external things - fixing the barn, fixing the house, getting the garden ready for me to plant, etc. I'm focusing on more internal things - working out issues between the children, working out issues between parents and children, working on getting rid of emotional baggage, educational stuff (both for homeschooling and for my teaching job), etc. I've been exhausting myself with the things I'm working on and needing Chewy's support. Chewy was seeing my requests for help as my telling him he wasn't doing enough. His response was to spend even more time working on the barn, the fences, the house, etc. I finally got through to him that *I* need some of his time and attention. So now we're trying to work on spending more time together, plus on my getting a chance to have some time where I'm not feeling obligated to do *anything* (yeah, like that's gonna happen :-/ ). If you can figure out where the miscommunication lies between you and your husband (what he hears vs what you're trying to say), that can go a long way in helping. Kitten >So now we're trying to work on spending more time >together, plus on my getting a chance to have some time where I'm not >feeling obligated to do *anything* (yeah, like that's gonna happen :-/ >). Maybe you have taken too much on yourself, and only you can change that. ~~Geri~~ http://www.noblankchecks.com/ "The song "Omaha" by Counting Crows has nothing to do with the city. If you need to talk about music, hum the Husker fight song and eat your steak." --Nebraska Tourism Bureau > >So now we're trying to work on spending more time > >together, plus on my getting a chance to have some time where I'm not > >feeling obligated to do *anything* (yeah, like that's gonna happen :-/ > >). > > Maybe you have taken too much on yourself, and only you can change that. Moi?!?!?!? Take on too much? You've got to be talking about someone else. :-^ I've dropped the fire dept. It was too hard to focus on family issues if I was on a fire or wreck scene for 3-6 hours. Family has to take precidence. As for the time not feeling obligated to do anything, Chewy and I've solved that delimma. Thursdays, I will be going to a friend's Christian bookstore for lunch and time to chat. That's "my time." The kids have already been told. And they agree that it's necessary, especially when *they* can sit down and tell me that I'm spending too much time on everyone else and not enough on me. Kitten >> Maybe you have taken too much on yourself, and only you can change that. >Moi?!?!?!? Take on too much? You've got to be talking about someone >else. Yep. You're making the choices for you. Bed.Made.Lie and all that. ~~Geri~~ http://www.noblankchecks.com/ "The song "Omaha" by Counting Crows has nothing to do with the city. If you need to talk about music, hum the Husker fight song and eat your steak." --Nebraska Tourism Bureau Hi Kitten! It is nice to know that I am not alone in this issue. I had a few good days with my SS after our talk the other day. This morning, he was back to his old rude self!...aarrgghh I am hanging in there!....Thanks again....MaryAnn C > Hi Kitten! > > It is nice to know that I am not alone in this issue. I had a few good days > with my SS after our talk the other day. This morning, he was back to his old > rude self!...aarrgghh I am hanging in there!....Thanks again....MaryAnn C Cherish the good days when they come. When he's working well with you, be sure to thank him. I'm seeing longer and longer stretches of good days and shorter stretches of difficulties. It's taken 4.5 years, with homeschooling the last 2.5, for us to see this much progress, but it's there. Yesterday evening, OS started to go back into one of his moods. I told him that I understood that he was tired and hungry (dinner was late due to soccer practice from 5:30-6:30). Then I asked him to please get a hold on his mood and not go back into the bad reactions. And he actually did it!!! This morning, he was the first kid up and helping with the animals. (He's usually last.) He was out walking the dogs when I left to take Chewy some breakfast. When I returned home, he and YS already had their academic work out and were focusing on getting their lessons done. All on their own!!! I took YD to her babysitting job, and when I returned I found that they were STILL focused on getting their academics done. They told me that OS had had some difficulty with his spelling assignment. He'd actually ASKED FOR and ACCEPTED help from YS. This is a huge advancement for him. In addition, instead of having a meltdown over a difficulty in his algebra assignment, he CALMLY told me he was having trouble with one of the questions, waited PATIENTLY for YS to finish an algebra lesson, then found the problem he was having trouble with, and patiently LISTENED to me as I prompted him through the problem. I am soooo happy with OS today. Have patience, tolerance, and love. That's what's gotten us through to this point. It really works. Kitten I recently found out I have high blood pressure after > having low blood pressure all my life..(I am now 57) and I honestly think it is > from suppressing my anger and frustration every day. ..Any suggestions on how > to handle this? Thanks in advance...MaryAnn C Suppressing anger and frustration every day will not do your health any good, that is for sure! I think you have already been given some good advice but I'd just like to add that part of the problem could be to do with your lack of assertiveness. Everybody has a right to be treated with respect and if you feel that you are not being treated with respect then you have to take some of the responsibility for that. There are ways of relating to people that ensure they treat you properly. Heard of the term 'enabling'? People treat us badly only because we 'let' them. I'm not saying you are solely responsible for the situation with your SS. I'm saying you can make some changes within youself to see that the situation gets better. Amy |
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